Kid_Charlemange Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I wonder if this is unusual? In the last year, I've "slept" with three women. Just slept. -My ex, last fall. According to her, we "completely broke up" in the summer and were just friends; according to me (and many texts and emails from her to back this up), we were in a "time out." No matter. About... hmm... 10 times, we slept in the same bed, wearing pjs, and snuggling. (because after all, that's what "friends" do, right. Hmph). -A woman I've known for some time. We never dated. We're friends. But she invites me over quite often. We sit on the couch, watch tv, drink a little too much. She will often lean against me, put her feet on my lap, that sort of thing. I'd say we've spent the night together 5-8 times. No sex. Hell, never kissed her. -A woman I dated for a while. Definitely dating, and we'd make out quite often. Slept over at her place twice. Undies for both of us. We've never had sex, even though we dated at least ten times. Pretty sure I got friendzoned somewhere along the way. It just occurred to me that these are the first examples in my life that I can remember in which the sleeping happened more than once (I got drunk on a date once years ago, and she let me sleep in the bed. But she was bundled up like an Eskimo. That was a one-and-done 25 years ago). I wonder if this sort of thing is out of the norm. Do you do this sort of thing? Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I can understand you letting the no sex go with your ex especially if there was feelings of betrayal / bitterness / animosity / regret, etc, but not the other two. Unless there is something getting left out, as far as I'm concerned those women inviting you to sleep with them, were putting out the welcome mat. Unless they made it really clear up front with a stern look - 'look there is absolutely going to be no sex, so get any such thoughts out of your head..okay' I reckon you blew some opportunities there...especially with the woman that was drinking. They were totally setting up the situation for stuff to happen, but just waiting for you to seal the deal by making a move. Even if they brushed your hand away initially, so as to not look too easy. you'd have been pleasantly surprised if you continued the touching & the dirty talk. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalCastles Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I wonder if this is unusual? Idk, but I've done it with my current boyfriend. Very early on in our relationship, we went to a late-night event one time and I crashed at his place. I'm a virgin, and I wasn't ready for sex but it was so late that I didn't want to make him drive me all the way back to mine. We did plenty of cuddling and kissing, it was very comforting to sleep next to him. We're getting a lot more sexual now so I doubt this will repeat itself. My best friend had this happen to her and her bf as well, also early on in their relationship. Some guys think that this means you're "friendzoned". My boyfriend was never "friendzoned" when he did this- in fact, I felt very respected by him because he showed me and my body such respect and gave me space. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I can understand you letting the no sex go with your ex especially if there was feelings of betrayal / bitterness / animosity / regret, etc, but not the other two. Unless there is something getting left out, as far as I'm concerned those women inviting you to sleep with them, were putting out the welcome mat. Unless they made it really clear up front with a stern look - 'look there is absolutely going to be no sex, so get any such thoughts out of your head..okay' I reckon you blew some opportunities there...especially with the woman that was drinking. They were totally setting up the situation for stuff to happen, but just waiting for you to seal the deal by making a move. Even if they brushed your hand away initially, so as to not look too easy. you'd have been pleasantly surprised if you continued the touching & the dirty talk. ^This Basically, you blew it bud. Link to post Share on other sites
Supernatural Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Honestly, At the start of any new relationship, I hate jumping straight in to sex of any kind. It ruins the fun; that new excitement. You really only get one kick at the cat to make that tension super tight. And the beginning is the most memorable. As once you have sex or do any of that... It just becomes normal and you fall in to a routine, sometimes. And that feeling of laying next to her; changes. But when she lays in your bed that very first time... Wow... You're so aware of EVERYTHING. Completely present. It's like bliss. I actually prefer just sleeping with a girl, cuddling, light back rubs, being close - having that new scent of shampoo on her hair in my face - for the first 3 times I share a bed with her. I honestly hold out as long as I can without sex. Just because it's really amazing. Plus, it builds more trust and you can deepen the friendship/relationship in other ways. All the while creating a thick romance and intensity. And the makeout sessions get better... and better.. and better. Then when it finally happens, that you slooowly unbutton her shirt and pants, then take of each others clothes... It's like a dream. Because you have done it so many times in your mind before that moment. It's like Euphoria. And waking up to a girl that you like in the morning even with no sex in the early stages... It's really great. It's like walking a tight rope... it could fall either way. But it usually falls in to amazing. Disclaimer No self conscious girls aloud for this. As they will think you're just not interested. When in reality, the guy is actually very interested. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kid_Charlemange Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 I actually prefer just sleeping with a girl, cuddling, light back rubs, being close - having that new scent of shampoo on her hair in my face - for the first 3 times I share a bed with her. OK. That pretty much describes how I felt. So I'm not alone. As for the three: -The ex, we'd gone through a rough patch, and I didn't want to scare her off. I wish to hell now that I'd gone ahead and escalated -- the way things turned out later, I clearly had nothing to lose. -The friend, no regrets. She's a little fragile, and she thinks the world of me. I'd rather have her as a friend than lose her, and there's no way I'd ever get into a relationship with her. She doesn't really do the casual sex thing, from what I can tell... hell, I don't think she really does the sex thing, period! -The potential gf. OK, I should have escalated that the second time. Possible TMI: She's told me fore that she prefers morning sex, and I think we were headed that way, had she not felt pretty hungover. She kind joked about it later when we were having breakfast. Truth be told, she's not really out of the picture yet. I guess. Got a text from her tonight, in fact, just checking in. Maybe I need to rekindle that one... Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Truth be told, she's not really out of the picture yet. I guess. Got a text from her tonight, in fact, just checking in. Maybe I need to rekindle that one... Well...not so much "rekindle" as just take the (sexual) lead. But first, make sure that nobody drinks too much or is too tired or whatever other excuses there have been in the past. Sometimes ladies just like men to be gentlemen. Not in some weird domineering, "alpha male" stupid way...but in a good alpha male way, with her as his good alpha female complement. Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I have a very good female friend. We have known each other since we were in Junior high. We have shared hotel rooms. She has stayed at my place and. I at hers. Yes we slept in the same bed. We have NEVER had sex. Not even a kiss. So can it happen? Sure.. But it is unusual. I have also had a few other female friends that I knew for shorter time periods stay the night and nothing happened. But it is unusual.. I think most of these instances there were motives for more. But I did not pursue it.. Typically when I stay at a womans house for the night if they are just a friend I'm not invited to their bed. I get the sofa or something a long those lines. Friends typically have boundaries. The one exception would be a BEST friend of the opposite sex. But even still that friendship will have boundaries and sharing a bed is pushing the limits on that. Link to post Share on other sites
irc333 Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I'm the odd guy out in this conversation. If I'm in the same bed with a woman, it is for some type of sexual activity. Not to just cuddle, be friends, etc. I get to know a new woman in other ways....activities, on the sofa, a kiss goodbye. Could be a few or many get togethers before sex. But in bed! I am a confident male with a healthy sexual need and expectation. It may not be intercourse but will certainly involve some type of physical intimacy. Then we can cuddle and sleep. Yes, you can't leave the bed room without at least a handy, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I've had that a few times. I would say it is pretty common in my experience. Happens when she is not quite ready to have sex with you yet but becoming more comfortable with the idea of being physical with you. I would find it weirder to ramp it up with hand > oral > intercourse what you hear about sometimes. That has not happened to me yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I would find it weirder to ramp it up with hand > oral > intercourse what you hear about sometimes. That has not happened to me yet. Agree. I had that with a guy years ago, he insisted on 'ramping it up' that way the first couple of times. I was like 'huh are we kids'? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Sure. I wouldn't do it with platonic friends, but definitely have with the bf and ex. Cuddling and feeling a warm body pressed against your own, falling asleep with your arms around each other... that's a pleasure all on its own, for some of us. Like Crystal, it actually makes me value and respect a guy more if he's able to appreciate all aspects of a R, including emotional intimacy in and of itself. But different women will view this in different ways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 we slept in the same bed, wearing pjs, and snuggling. (because after all, that's what "friends" do, right. Hmph). I did it with my now fiancé then "friend" - she staid at mine, me at hers, shared hotels, tents, you name it! I even remember her turning up at my house at gone 1am just like "I didn't want to go home, can I crash here?' Link to post Share on other sites
BikerAccnt Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Sure, I wouldn't sleep with my female friend, any more than I'd sleep in the same bed with my male friends. However, I've slept with my GF, my ex-wife, and others in between, without having sex. Slept just to sleep. Sometimes, that's all either of you want! Link to post Share on other sites
ktya Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I'm the odd guy out in this conversation. If I'm in the same bed with a woman, it is for some type of sexual activity. Not to just cuddle, be friends, etc. I get to know a new woman in other ways....activities, on the sofa, a kiss goodbye. Could be a few or many get togethers before sex. But in bed! I am a confident male with a healthy sexual need and expectation. It may not be intercourse but will certainly involve some type of physical intimacy. Then we can cuddle and sleep. Amen. First time you end up with a chick in bed even if your not in the mood bang her like a rockstar. You dont have to do it every time your in the sack with them and just sleeping and cuddling is fine but the first time around like a previous poster said unless they have specifically told you no way Hose (in which case I'd gently try anyway) time to go for it. Save the cuddles and backrubs for the second night together and going forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Wow! maybe they were waiting for you to make a move? Maybe they're kind of traditional and don't want to initiate sex? There is NO WAY in hell I am going to lay next to a man in my bed and not have sex with him. I don't 'cuddle', life is too short. Who in their right mind cuddle in bed that many times and don't have sex! I know !! pre-teens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Only woman I ever slept with, meaning occupying the same bed, without having active sexual relations with, was my exW, and that was our 'off' nights. I can't imagine sleeping with a woman where sex is not part of our dynamic. It doesn't compute in my heterosexual mind. Guys, when we're camping or sharing hotel rooms commune style, sure. TBH, I can't recall ever personally knowing a woman who didn't feel the same way, and I had numerous close female friends over the decades. Sure, we may have slept in the same house together, but never in the same room. That's why there are 'guest' bedrooms. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I've had a lot of guys around just sleeping. It's because we're friends. Sometimes more, but seems like there's always some stage we're comfortable to just share a bed. One was frustrating because I was in love with him and he was always doing that. He had problems but took years to get to the bottom of it. Sometimes it was just because we were concert hopping and just sharing space. One guy I dated, not sure what he was waiting for, but came down on weekends and slept and cuddled -- I got tired of it. The conversation was stilted too. On paper, he looked great which is the only reason I stayed in there as long as I did. I think he was timid with women or else just taking it slow. But he had to know I was in the fast lane. He knew my old roommate. Anyway, it wasn't a waste of time. It was interesting until I got tired of carrying the conversation and no sex. My roommate told me it might have been he was insecure about not being "big." I didn't care about that, but I guess he'd have no way of knowing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kid_Charlemange Posted August 22, 2014 Author Share Posted August 22, 2014 Well...not so much "rekindle" as just take the (sexual) lead. In this particular, yes. But I haven't actually talked to this woman in a while, so it's going to take a little effort to get us back into dating mode. A couple weeks ago, I'd decided to give up on this stuff. And I pretty much have -- I've deleted all my OLD profiles and basically decided that being solo isn't so bad. But this lady and I never really broke up, we just sort of went in different directions. And her text last night tells me I'm not completely out of her head. So, what the hell, give it one last shot before I retire from the dating game Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 If I am sleeping in the same bed with a man, he has a job to do. Otherwise, go sleep elsewhere so I can have a peaceful night's sleep. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 As others have stated...we are adults. Healthy men and women have sex. If I was attracted to a woman, I could no more not have sex in bed together the first time than a bear could resist gulping down a pot of honey. I'd have to get up and play with myself a few times during the night. If I was a woman and a male didn't get horny in bed and want me, alarm bells would go off if I saw him as a future partner. With that attitude I am afraid I would not have been able to post this message, or maybe I would, but in striped pajama's and thick iron bars locking me in a small room Link to post Share on other sites
Photofinish Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 I slept in the same bed with my ex. I didnt think much of it as he always told me he would wait until I was ready . he would get upset if I asked to sleep in separate beds and eventually I craved in. it was always amazing to me but I did want to have sex but wasnt ready. I guess it was a lie that this was okay(ended Up throwing it in my face during break Up that I was making him wait too long). His parents also were confused / suspicious that we didnt have sex when I stayed over.... Link to post Share on other sites
Photofinish Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 How did his parents know or not know? I would never discuss this with my parents or anyone else. It would be a private issue between the two of us. 'Mom, we slept together but didn't have sex'...how does this even come up? He lived with his parents. I felt it was a little disrespectful that I would go to his house and lock ourselves in his room so I asked him to tell them that we werent having sex in their house. It was a one time thing, probably stupid. After a while they began to ask and even judge him . To be honest, it could've been a lie . I dont trust anything he told me in the past. He claimed his father said "So why was she staying over?" Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 unless they have specifically told you no way Hose (in which case I'd gently try anyway) time to go for it. Save the cuddles and backrubs for the second night together and going forward. Wow just wow...even if they clearly said no? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ktya Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Wow just wow...even if they clearly said no? Has worked for me before. Even a girl who initially didn't want to get laid has a right to change her mind once she's turned on. A girl has a right to change her mind, no? Link to post Share on other sites
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