Tips for successfully becoming friends with someone you dated briefly

[katinlc]

Hi all,

 

 

I was casually talking to/dating someone for the last 6 weeks or so that I had met online. It turned into us mainly hanging out at each other's house and watching movies and just hanging out. He never really made any moves (we didn't even kiss in that time) and I knew he was having issues with not feeling chemistry to move things forward romantically, and it just became more apparent that we weren't going to go forward as a couple. However, we enjoyed each other's company enough to keep hanging out (neither of us have a ton of local friends to hang out with).

Last night, we talked and basically agreed that we are good as friends, but not more. While I liked the guy somewhat, we are very wrong for each other to be a lasting couple, but I could so see us being friends that occasionally hung out and went to the movies because we really clicked on a friend level.

 

 

So anyways, we agreed to be friends since we both like hanging out and I guess my question is, is it feasible to actually transition to friends when you met each other under the guise of dating potential? I could see myself still texting with him and still having a movie night when neither of us have plans. I think part of the reason he let it go on so long was because he was enjoying the friendship part too. I'm also not sure he is 100% over his ex, but have no idea if that was part of the problem.

 

 

I guess I would also love some tips on how to successfully transition, as well. I really don't see how much would change for us other than a little less communication (we were texting everyday). We both could use a friend to talk and hang out with and I think that was really the void we were filling for each other, if that makes sense.

[Mrin]

Well, two thoughts:

 

1. I'm not sure you were ever really dating so it doesn't sound like you had any romantic bridges being built. So transitioning into friendship is easy. You're already in it. Just keep up what you're doing but now you don't have any pressure - no "will he kiss me and how will i react" type things.

 

2. Not sure if this applies in your situation but in the interests of completeness... I am friends with almost all of my exes - most notably save one. When you do actually have that romantic connection, it can be trickier. But i've had lots of experience at that. The very first thing you have to do is disrupt your normal routine. Sometimes that means taking a break from each other. Sometimes that means changing how you normally "connect". For instance, if you used to text all the time, switch to a call a couple of times a week or an person lunch. It is like rearranging the furniture and will cause you both to re-learn each other. It will also serve as a handy - before/after type milestone even if subconsciously.

 

It also helps if you both start dating others right away. Emphasis on both. Doesn't even have to be serious dating. But one of the things you can do is share dating horror stories or go through OLD profiles together trying to pick out matches for the other. This can be trickier business but you get the sense. You're establishing that the romantic phase is over but you're letting each other "in" as friends. Like a behind the scenes look that neither of you would have given if you were dating. If you start dating and he doesn't, try setting him up with one of your girlfriends.

 

I also believe in oversharing when you move into the friendzone. Don't brag about you romantic adventures, but ask about his. If you are out together and you see a cute girl, tell him to go approach her and you will be his wingman. Again, underscoring that friendly intimacy and in some ways, it is better than it was when you tried dating.

 

In the end you have to ask yourself, how badly do you want to be friends with him. Or should I say close friends. I have a lot of friends and a goodly amount of close friends. Honestly, I don't have room for any more close female friends. It is always good to end things on good terms and part as friends. But when it comes to picking close friends, don't pound a square peg in a round hole because of the principle of the matter.

 

So as I look back at my prior 4 relationships before meeting The One (yeah... I'm smitten), they played out like this:

 

Solar Flare: (4-ish months dating, exclusive - I ended it) Not friends at all. I actually had to tell her to leave my life completely. It wasn't anything she did it was who we were. We tried being friends for 3 months. The chemistry was off the charts and we simply couldn't be friends. Texting turned into sexting. Phone chats turned into phone sex. An in person meal turned into... well you know.

 

The Author (2 months dating, not exclusive - I ended it): Very little romance but great intellectual chemistry. Parted as friends but we're not close friends. She was always kinda melancholy and that was just tiresome.

 

The Slow Burn (3 months dating, not exclusive - we mutually ended it): Parted as friends. Would actually LOVE to have her as a close friend but will need to give us some time apart. Not sure if we had enough in common though.

 

The Doctor (2 months dating, exclusive - she ended it): Parted as friends. We still text from time to time. She asked to be a close friend but I rebuffed her. Honestly, she was too introverted and didn't interest me as a close friend. But I'll totally ski with her any day of the week.

[katinlc]

Well, two thoughts:

 

1. I'm not sure you were ever really dating so it doesn't sound like you had any romantic bridges being built. So transitioning into friendship is easy. You're already in it. Just keep up what you're doing but now you don't have any pressure - no "will he kiss me and how will i react" type things.

 

2. Not sure if this applies in your situation but in the interests of completeness... I am friends with almost all of my exes - most notably save one. When you do actually have that romantic connection, it can be trickier. But i've had lots of experience at that. The very first thing you have to do is disrupt your normal routine. Sometimes that means taking a break from each other. Sometimes that means changing how you normally "connect". For instance, if you used to text all the time, switch to a call a couple of times a week or an person lunch. It is like rearranging the furniture and will cause you both to re-learn each other. It will also serve as a handy - before/after type milestone even if subconsciously.

 

It also helps if you both start dating others right away. Emphasis on both. Doesn't even have to be serious dating. But one of the things you can do is share dating horror stories or go through OLD profiles together trying to pick out matches for the other. This can be trickier business but you get the sense. You're establishing that the romantic phase is over but you're letting each other "in" as friends. Like a behind the scenes look that neither of you would have given if you were dating. If you start dating and he doesn't, try setting him up with one of your girlfriends.

 

I also believe in oversharing when you move into the friendzone. Don't brag about you romantic adventures, but ask about his. If you are out together and you see a cute girl, tell him to go approach her and you will be his wingman. Again, underscoring that friendly intimacy and in some ways, it is better than it was when you tried dating.

 

In the end you have to ask yourself, how badly do you want to be friends with him. Or should I say close friends. I have a lot of friends and a goodly amount of close friends. Honestly, I don't have room for any more close female friends. It is always good to end things on good terms and part as friends. But when it comes to picking close friends, don't pound a square peg in a round hole because of the principle of the matter.

 

So as I look back at my prior 4 relationships before meeting The One (yeah... I'm smitten), they played out like this:

 

Solar Flare: (4-ish months dating, exclusive - I ended it) Not friends at all. I actually had to tell her to leave my life completely. It wasn't anything she did it was who we were. We tried being friends for 3 months. The chemistry was off the charts and we simply couldn't be friends. Texting turned into sexting. Phone chats turned into phone sex. An in person meal turned into... well you know.

 

The Author (2 months dating, not exclusive - I ended it): Very little romance but great intellectual chemistry. Parted as friends but we're not close friends. She was always kinda melancholy and that was just tiresome.

 

The Slow Burn (3 months dating, not exclusive - we mutually ended it): Parted as friends. Would actually LOVE to have her as a close friend but will need to give us some time apart. Not sure if we had enough in common though.

 

The Doctor (2 months dating, exclusive - she ended it): Parted as friends. We still text from time to time. She asked to be a close friend but I rebuffed her. Honestly, she was too introverted and didn't interest me as a close friend. But I'll totally ski with her any day of the week.

 

Thank you so much for this. This is exactly the kind of advice I was looking for. You're right - we had very little in the way of romantic bridges other than the expectation of that's why we met and what we were working towards. This is why I actually thinks friends could work.

 

 

I have never really been friends with a ex (although I wouldn't consider him an ex). Either the break up was bad or we didn't date long enough to want to be friends. That is why I'm interested in pursuing a true friendship with this guy - it's the first time I've actually cared or wanted it and could see us being friends.

 

 

The funny thing is we couldn't be more opposite. I'm an accountant that gets up and starts work at 6:00am and plans everyday of my life and he is a musician who sleeps til 10, cusses like a sailor, and is much more laid back. We have no mutual friends and very little in common interest-wise, but for some random reason we get along great as friends. I'm thinking it may be the opening up each other's world to the other's interest.

 

 

I like the shaking things up on your routine - this was the one part I wasn't sure about. We pretty much text or talked on the phone everyday...obviously that won't happen as "just friends". We also hung out once a week. I figure that should probably go to more like once or twice a month at most. As we finished talking about it last night, I threw the ball in his court and said if he wanted to hang out this weekend let me know. This way we can go ahead and get hanging out together as completely platonic friends for the first time out of the way and if doesn't take me up on it then it's up to him and I'll see if he truly wants to be friends.

 

 

Even though we weren't exclusive, neither of us really dated others while we were talking. I had been talking to someone else the last week or so as I saw this was going nowhere, so I have a coffee date set up for Sunday I'm honestly not sure if he is over his ex (and suspect he isn't as he doesn't seem to be too concerned with actively dating), so I'm going to play the discussing other dating by ear, but obviously won't hide the fact that I am.

[Mrin]

Glad I could help. On your routine... what was your most primary or intimate form of communication? My hunch is that it was text if you guys did the whole text each other throughout the day. Maybe intimate is not the right term - more what was the most couple like? So drop that. Talk a few times on the phone a week if that makes you happy. I wouldn't overthink the hanging out in person thing. I mean, you're already buds. If you can be buddy like, why wouldn't you want to hang out with your good friend a lot? But i would refrain from hanging out at each other's place unless it is with others. That's kinda couple behavior and to be honest, other dudes you date would be all like WTF??? and then come here to LS and post something like "my GF is WAY too close to her ex!?!" Ha!

 

Oh one other thing - not sure if casual expressions or pet names are your thing but one thing I've found is helpful is to change my language and tone. Whereas before I might say "You'll never believe what just happened to me" i would now say "Dude! You'll never guess what I just saw". And yes, I did just call a female a dude right there but I live in the mountains of Colorado so it's all cool bro!

 

So calling him "dude" is a good way to establish that he's a dude not a boyfriend. Unless you're into calling your BF's dude.

[TB Rhine]

Genuine cross-sex friendships are about as rare as attractive, single women over 30 who haven't gotten pregnant by at least one ex-con. Proceed with caution.

[katinlc]

Genuine cross-sex friendships are about as rare as attractive, single women over 30 who haven't gotten pregnant by at least one ex-con. Proceed with caution.

 

 

 

Hmm...well I've over 30, single, and without a child from an ex-con, so I'm either not attractive or there is a chance this will work

 

 

I know the odds of us actually remaining good friends are not good, but I figure it's worth a shot.