All mixed up, what do i do?

[BunkyBunk85]

Ok so here's my story. I dated this girl for a short time 10 years ago. We went our separate ways with no ill will. A few months ago we began to talk again. She's had a rough few years therefore she has baggage. She was abused many times by her ex and has three kids with him. So i knew right away this was all red flags because if she's not well in her own mind then how could we have a healthy friendship/possible relationship right? Yea knowing that and doing it are very different! So we have slowly gained our friendship back and got close. We both seem to know somethings there. We have hung out a few times but never any affection.

 

This past Friday we had a good time really clicked so i had one too many beers and got the courage to just tell her that i had feelings. So i did and she just smiled at me and didn't really say anything. I think I got a yes she feels the same but before i knew it i was mumbling my words and saying "this didn't go well" and heading for the door.

 

It's not the rejection that got me all mixed up, i can handle that. If you don't like my face, someone else will that's how i am. It was her reaction. Maybe she was shocked or didn't know what to say but all the signs are pointing to she has feelings so its not like she just didn't like me. It was beyond embarrassing for me and I'm sure for her. We have talked since but very little. I fear i ruined our friendship and am thinking of sending her a letter about my feelings and my regrets that i didn't clearly say because of the way her reaction rattled me. I wished to convey that the feelings i have are there but i understand if now is not right. I would be fine with being her friend.Her being well is more important i just don't want to be a plan B. Boost her ego and then she finds someone else. It's a risk i know. Her past has a lot to do with her lack of willingness to show emotions and i feel like saying what i said, took the air out of the balloon and pushed her away. Im not just talking about her interest level or the whole chase aspect i'm talking about the entire friendship. So, should i send her the letter and just feel better that she knows and move on? Or should i just wait and hope when she's ready she will contact me? I am leaning towards sending it if things don't change soon. i may just put it out there. Life is short. Id rather have her remember me as a caring guy than the idiot that ruined what was building by expressing my feelings too early to a woman who wasn't emotionally "ready". I just don't want the letter to push her further away. Jesus, i'm over thinking this! Any thoughts that help me find some clarity would be appreciated.

[Assasda]

Dont send any letter. You will look like even more of a psycho.

 

 

Yet again, A guy who feels the need to verbalize his feelings, and gets shuts out for putting pressure on her. You must be new here.

 

Bro thae stuff that youre doing only works in the movies

[BunkyBunk85]

I am new here, thanks for the warm welcome..I realize i don't know everything, maybe you should too. I came here because i didn't send any letter and obviously im all mixed up. Your advice is pretty crappy, not because i don't agree with it but because you just seem like a dude that wants to say he can play but is too afraid to get up to bat. There's nothing wrong with verbalizing my feelings to a woman. I don't feel like a wuss. Hope you enjoy giving out your opinion in thousands of posts on a love forum but god i hope it's not your day job.

[todreaminblue]

i will be probably the other side ....but i tend to like the other side ....so send the letter......it is no loss to express emotion...what is a loss if you have regrets about not sending it....so send it ...whatever happens you followed your heart......that isnt a regrettable thing.....its honest..most good women appreciate an honest man who admits vulnerability and expresses how he feels it takes courage and guts so do it.......deb

[spiderowl]

You said how you felt, she smiled. I don't think you said she rejected you. I don't see what's so awful so far?

 

You are rekindling a relationship and, for her at least, a lot of water has gone under the bridge since you were first together. She has had a bad relationship. She has children (a great responsibility). She may or may not be still involved with her ex - that's something to establish for sure anyway. Point is, she may not be ready for anything heavy yet but that is not a rejection of you. It just means she might not be able to handle anything overly emotional yet.

 

So, keep it light, stay friends, see how things go. Don't invest too much at this stage, though I know it's hard if you do have feelings. At least you've let her know. The good thing about this is that hopefully she will be careful not to encourage you to fall in love with her, but will set boundaries herself (if she really doesn't feel the same way as you do). I'm sure it will have helped to clarify things between the two of you.

 

Keep it casual as friends, maybe more if she's interested, but keep your heart in check until you know she reciprocates. If you can't do this because of your feelings, drop her and look elsewhere. She might be getting to know you again and back off if it seems too heavy and scary. Keeping it light is probably just right for both of you at the moment.

[BunkyBunk85]

Thank you for your logical responses. She didn't out right reject me but she wasn't exactly clear. My thinking is because of her past, any kind of closeness brings up fear/pain and she kind of emotionally distances herself. She was beat for 5+ years has had some counseling but not nearly enough. I'm leaning towards shortening my letter and sending it. I'd much prefer to go down with the ship than jump and swim to shore not knowing which way to go. Then my mind will be more clear. If it pushes her away ill know where I stand and then I can move forward without regret.

[Assasda]

hahaha I do love giving my opinion out. What can I say, I have a lot of free time on my hands. Thanks for the concern.

 

I dont play any games with women. I bat all the time. And when I go to bat, I dont tell a woman I'm going up to bat, I just bat. Goes great for me. I hope you got my little figurative statement.

 

Thing is. I think you still have a chance with this woman, if you dont send her an emotional message to drive her away.

- Kinda like you putting pressure on her, and telling her you have feelings for her.

 

I hope you can take this constructively, although it seems that its your nature to rush things and get emotional.

[BunkyBunk85]

I am emotional right now but rarely any other time. Who on here asking a question isn't emotional? I will take your last opinion constructively but it was a bit two sided. Rushing things is how i got here yes but it would suddenly been better to just make some move on a girl who is afraid of every guy? Doubtful. You don't know seriousness of that.

 

Your actually probably right tho about continuing to push her away, you really hit that outta the park. Everything else you spewed about how you don't play any games is hilarious. You sit on a website, reading other peoples problems. Regular Rico Suave over here. Tell me I don't need another baseball reference.

[GemmaUK]

I'm with the advice to not send the letter.

It will put undue pressure on her and pressure and rushing into relationships are similar traits to those she will have experienced in her abusive relationships I would imagine.

I think a letter would cause drama that just needn't be there.

 

This only happened on Friday.

How often do you both usually contact each other and is it equally initiated?

I would just call her up and arrange to do something else. See her reaction.

Any call or face to face conversation is going to ease the situation one way or another.

 

She didn't outright reject you. She actually smiled.

[ktya]

Drop her. You have feelings and she doesn't. Its unfortunate but these things happen. It will only hurt you to continue, and you were right to leave.

[BunkyBunk85]

Well, i had a good nights rest and i feel a lot better, hope it holds. I'm not going to send the letter i think the more advice i get the more it gets into my stubborn head. Prolly why i came on here in the first place, i knew it could back fire. As for how often we talk, Mostly every other day but past few weeks almost every day. She mostly started the conversations. Called/Text

 

Now, we have talked twice since Friday but it was short quick texts about nothing more or less. It sucks because I know we enjoy each other but I ruined that. I know she has some feelings, she laid it on in many ways. I pushed her away and i gotta live with it and have patience. If i don't chase her and she never comes back around, then I saved myself a bunch of wasted time. Them's the breaks i guess!

Edited August 21, 2014 by BunkyBunk85

[GemmaUK]

Well, i had a good nights rest and i feel a lot better, hope it holds. I'm not going to send the letter i think the more advice i get the more it gets into my stubborn head. Prolly why i came on here in the first place, i knew it could back fire. As for how often we talk, Mostly every other day but past few weeks almost every day. She mostly started the conversations. Called/Text

 

Now, we have talked twice since Friday but it was short quick texts about nothing more or less. It sucks because I know we enjoy each other but I ruined that. I know she has some feelings, she laid it on in many ways. I pushed her away and i gotta live with it and have patience. If i don't chase her and she never comes back around, then I saved myself a bunch of wasted time. Them's the breaks i guess!

 

 

Are you seriously giving up because it's gone a bit awkward?

 

Gawd! I would never have had a 14 year relationship if I had given up due to awkward!

 

If her red flags really do turn you off then fair play.

If they don't and you know you would not be controlling/needy/clingy/stifling and .....you really like her....well..see what happens rather than assume things.

 

Don't live and regret the questions that you never asked.

Your assumptions could be really wrong...most assumptions are.

If they are not wrong then you will know and can move on in your head.

If you don't find out you will dwell.

 

I know from experience. I have done the asking out (and sometimes dammit I haven't! Only to find out years later......you get the picture) and I'm a woman.

[BunkyBunk85]

You are right. Thanks for saying that. I've never been so jumbled over a woman. I don't want to live with regrets at all. However, I do know that sending the letter and overly showing my emotions, like you said would probably push her away because of her past. It's a tough situation but no i don't want to give up.

 

I just don't know the right course of action to break the awkwardness. It's a tight rope walk. So in a few days if she does not contact me, i suppose i will call her or text and keep it as normal as possible and if that works and we can continue our friendship with no pressure for anything. If it goes the other way then so be it. Can't force someone not ready to love, to love

Edited August 21, 2014 by BunkyBunk85