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Is he arrogant, am I hypersensitive, or both?


chemistrix

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now. We are both doctoral students in the sciences at the same university.

 

I have been having doubts for a while now about whether to continue in the relationship. There have been a lot of little issues, but I guess that I have been putting up with my doubts for a while because I am not quite sure how things are supposed to work in a long-term relationship and what is normal and what isn't. One of the issues that I have been having is that my boyfriend has a tendency to say things that come off as insensitive, and as time goes on, it gets a little harder to overlook. However, I am wondering if I am just being hypersensitive. Some examples of the things that he says that have bothered me:

 

When we were talking recently, he brought up one of his friends, who is pursuing a Ph.D. in clarinet performance. Apparently one of them had made a Facebook status about the difficulties of finding a job to support themselves during an unfunded Ph.D. program. He then looked at his friend's pursuit of the Ph.D. as a "poor decision," saying that he doesn't know why somebody would ever bother with an unfunded Ph.D. While honestly, if I were in his friend's position, I would never pursue an unfunded Ph.D., I played devil's advocate a bit, saying that she might just really love music so much that she doesn't mind going into debt or working very long weeks in a side job to support herself, and that maybe her husband can help her anyway. He then started on about it is "immoral" that people go into Ph.D.'s that they will never pay back, and we argued a bit because I didn't appreciate the assumption that his friend will never pay off her loans. I then said that, in my life, when one of my friends makes a decision that I don't really approve of, I just let it go and support them (unless it's something that's physically harmful or criminal or something). He then responded that he generally calls them on it by saying to them, "I really disagree with your decision, but it won't affect our friendship." Everyone has their private opinions about everything, but if a friend of mine ever said that to me, I would find it condescending.

 

In another case, referring to a group of people he met during his vacation this past weekend, he said that he met a group of "failures," apparently because they work at Quizno's all day and smoke weed in their spare time. He used this word previously to refer to another friend of his who is in a rut, partly because he is gay but very religious and very closeted.

 

Finally, when talking about his best friend's parents, he was telling me about how they met, and he said that they both are artists with advanced degrees in art, "whatever that means." He has previously said in so many words that only graduate degrees in things like the sciences are worthwhile (he's studying chemistry, and I'm studying chemical engineering). I called him on this one too, and he said that he really loves them, and that they themselves say that they don't really use their degrees or that they weren't necessary, but...I don't know, it didn't sit right with me.

 

I know that I am occasionally hypersensitive to things, but I am trying to see through this. Do any of you think that these sorts of statements are arrogant, or am I just being hypercritical? I would appreciate your honest opinions, if you would like to respond. Thanks very much.

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I don't believe you are being hypersensitive.

 

He has some attitudes about people that are at odd with your own values.

 

You are a person who gives people the benefit of the doubt, who believes that everyone has a right to live the life they want, and who believes that every person has worth.

 

He is a person who judges others, labels them, and believes that people who don't live according to HIS definition of a good life are "failures".

 

It would bother me too, and this could be a red flag for a major compatibility issue.

 

Can you get to a place where you can detach from his opinions, and accept and respect that he has a completely different viewpoint than you do?

 

Can you deal with the idea of him judging YOUR life decisions, and know you can go ahead and do what is right for you even if he disapproves?

 

If you can answer YES to those questions, I wouldn't necessarily break it off.

 

But I can tell you - life will be a whole lot sweeter if you end up with a partner who is not a judgmental critical guy, and who can see the good in people.

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HeartbrokenNewbie

I think he stereotypes people. I don't think he is necessarily arrogant nor you hypersensitive but you do have a personality clash going on here x

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Seems like he's pretty arrogant, ofcourse its unattractive, but only you alone can decide if its a deal breaker.

 

Arrogance sometimes is a sign of immaturity, when the real world hits it can go away, but if he lives a life of affluence, it can last a lifetime

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now. We are both doctoral students in the sciences at the same university.

 

I have been having doubts for a while now about whether to continue in the relationship. There have been a lot of little issues, but I guess that I have been putting up with my doubts for a while because I am not quite sure how things are supposed to work in a long-term relationship and what is normal and what isn't. One of the issues that I have been having is that my boyfriend has a tendency to say things that come off as insensitive, and as time goes on, it gets a little harder to overlook. However, I am wondering if I am just being hypersensitive. Some examples of the things that he says that have bothered me:

 

When we were talking recently, he brought up one of his friends, who is pursuing a Ph.D. in clarinet performance. Apparently one of them had made a Facebook status about the difficulties of finding a job to support themselves during an unfunded Ph.D. program. He then looked at his friend's pursuit of the Ph.D. as a "poor decision," saying that he doesn't know why somebody would ever bother with an unfunded Ph.D. While honestly, if I were in his friend's position, I would never pursue an unfunded Ph.D., I played devil's advocate a bit, saying that she might just really love music so much that she doesn't mind going into debt or working very long weeks in a side job to support herself, and that maybe her husband can help her anyway. He then started on about it is "immoral" that people go into Ph.D.'s that they will never pay back, and we argued a bit because I didn't appreciate the assumption that his friend will never pay off her loans. I then said that, in my life, when one of my friends makes a decision that I don't really approve of, I just let it go and support them (unless it's something that's physically harmful or criminal or something). He then responded that he generally calls them on it by saying to them, "I really disagree with your decision, but it won't affect our friendship." Everyone has their private opinions about everything, but if a friend of mine ever said that to me, I would find it condescending.

 

In another case, referring to a group of people he met during his vacation this past weekend, he said that he met a group of "failures," apparently because they work at Quizno's all day and smoke weed in their spare time. He used this word previously to refer to another friend of his who is in a rut, partly because he is gay but very religious and very closeted.

 

Finally, when talking about his best friend's parents, he was telling me about how they met, and he said that they both are artists with advanced degrees in art, "whatever that means." He has previously said in so many words that only graduate degrees in things like the sciences are worthwhile (he's studying chemistry, and I'm studying chemical engineering). I called him on this one too, and he said that he really loves them, and that they themselves say that they don't really use their degrees or that they weren't necessary, but...I don't know, it didn't sit right with me.

 

I know that I am occasionally hypersensitive to things, but I am trying to see through this. Do any of you think that these sorts of statements are arrogant, or am I just being hypercritical? I would appreciate your honest opinions, if you would like to respond. Thanks very much.

 

Interesting. You know, a person who may happen to work at Quizno's yet takes care of their cancer stricken mother wouldn't be deemed a failure in my book reguardless of the pot they smoke. Just like the guy that sweeps floors for a paycheck, yet he's an incredible husband and father to his children. Yeah the world is full of little people, not as educated as your pretentious BF, sounds like you're soon to find out the world is also full of better people. Life will teach a person far more than books and obtaining degrees can. I feel sorry for your BF, hopefully he won't stay ignorant his entire life.

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I don't think you're being hypersensitive. His arrogance and condescendence would be a turnoff for me. Has he ever said such words or been so critical of your decisions before? If not, it may happen eventually and arguments will definitely ensue. How would you handle it? Life with someone who's so critical of others could be quite tiring and negative, unless you have a way to totally block his criticism.

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Didn't you post about the exact same topic a while back under a ddifferent name?

 

Not sure if he is arrogant or just need a filter. I mean the guy is overall right.

 

If it bothers you, I think you should bring it up. You guys may not be compatible.

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deathandtaxes
Didn't you post about the exact same topic a while back under a ddifferent name?

 

Not sure if he is arrogant or just need a filter. I mean the guy is overall right.

 

If it bothers you, I think you should bring it up. You guys may not be compatible.

 

 

 

I remember this same situation. Different name of OP....

 

 

OP - if you're posting under a different name, why?

 

 

Guy sounds like an arrogant douche. Lacks tact and should keep his opinions to himself.

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