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No longer allowed to talk to friends


ConfusedOne79

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ConfusedOne79

Hi,

 

I was informed last night by my partner of 10 months that I am no longer allowed to discuss him with my friends. This is due to a joint friend (who actually introduced us) becoming angry with him, sending him angry messages and being more on my side than his recently. He named a few other friends who he is still on the fence about, but I'm not allowed to talk to any of them about him.

 

I have always lent on my friends for comfort, and sometimes I do reach out on facebook (without naming him) when I am low and need encouragement. That has to stop too apparently.

 

He's cheated and dumped me twice. We had a major argument recently that left me crying uncontrollably for two solid days. We also argued over my birthday most recently as I had arranged a meal out with the joint friend as our birthdays are close together. I knew he wouldn't be able to attend as he was busy on the day we chose. He went ballistic when he found out I'd organised it without discussing it with him first.

 

I've now cancelled the joint meal and made it just a meal for my friend which I've promised my friend I would organise for her to make up for the mess I made.

 

I now feel completely alone and isolated. I think this forum is the only safe place to discuss my fears but I'm already worried he'll somehow find this site and I'll be in trouble or dumped. Really not sure what help I need to feel better about this

 

Thanks for reading x

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acrosstheuniverse

I can understand people who don't want their partners discussing their relationship problems with friends. It's never bothered me and I do talk about my relationship issues with very close friends in private, as that support is valuable. But some people feel violated, especially if after every argument their partner runs off to their friends or family bitching about them like crazy, getting people on 'their side' and it leaves lasting repercussions once the argument is resolved.

 

But having said that... why are you putting up with this crap from him? You say he's cheated and dumped you twice, in less than a year. He's in no position to make demands on your. Why are you still with him? You sound like a pushover so that's probably why he's making increasingly isolating demands. You don't deserve to feel as though you're being isolated from your friends, and for somebody who disrespects you so much they've proven twice they don't want to be with you... what is that all about?

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He is treating you terribly. Why are you accepting this? If anyone treated me half as bad as he has treated you, I'd dump them so fast they would get whiplash. Yet you keep on going back for more. Is your self-esteem really that low? You need to get rid of this idiot and think about your own long-term happiness for once. You are never going to get a good, happy relationship with this douche canoe. Dump him and move on.

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He doesn't feel trusted with you hence the sour behavior with you. He feels like you will always stab him in the back.

 

He has cheated on her twice in their 10 month relationship so no, he cannot possibly be trusted. And if anybody has done the stabbing in the back, it is him.

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fortyninethousand322

First of all, you're allowed to talk to whomever you want about whatever you want. If he doesn't like it he can go take a hike.

 

I don't think I'd like people talking about me behind my back either, but the thing is his actions have necessitated you talking about him. Perhaps if he hadn't made the choice to cheat on you, this situation wouldn't exist.

 

Dump him. His behavior shouldn't be encouraged.

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You are an idiot if you put up with this. The very first thing abusers do so they can get away with abuse is isolate you. You get to talk about him with friends. You should use some sense about who can be trusted and who can't to comport themselves well. But that man of yours cheated and now he's mad because he got fallout for it. He wants to have bad behavior without anyone calling him on it and the scary thing here is apparently he is so sure YOU won't call him on it that his only worry is your friends. Why on earth would you stay with someone who doesn't respect you and demands you can't talk about him with friends.

 

Now, it would be one thing if you talked about things that aren't his fault, like he has a small penis or smells bad, but getting feedback when he behaves badly? NO WAY.

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ConfusedOne79
In a relationship, it's not ideal to discuss your going-ons with other people. Especially on social media. It doesn't matter if you name him or not. It doesn't take common sense for anyone that knows that you two are together to know you're talking about him.

 

When I say I post on facebook, its stuff like feeling down or not having a good day. Its not an obvious post but I agree I do need to stop doing it and its not right. He has done it as well so I think we should both stop

 

I'm also not trying to paint him as a villain - just giving some background as to why I have been discussing our relationship with my friends. I've found it very hard to cope with the on/off part and the cheating, and I find it difficult talking to him about it as he gets very angry.

 

He has friends he goes to when he needs to discuss our relationship, so it now feels little one sided that he can talk to his friends but I can't.

 

If a friend of mine described her relationship to me like this, then I would give the same advice and tell her to leave. But it feels totally different when its your relationship and the man that you love and really want to be with.

 

I guess I just always feel like its a little bump in the road that we have to get over, and then we'll be ok. It doesn't help that we live an hours drive apart and I don't drive. We sometimes have to rely on texts/messenger to communicate and its caused a lot of arguments and misunderstandings

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He's cheated and dumped me twice.

 

In 10 months?

 

All the other petty drama is the least of your problems. If that hasn't sent you running the other way, there really is no point venting about the other drama because it seems like you're fine accepting deplorable behavior.

 

And you shouldn't be complaining to your friends and dragging them into this drama. You either do something about it (leave the assclown) or accept whatever he dishes out. After a while you're going to find yourself with no friends and a shytt boyfriend.

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You should contact that same friend and complain about what he did and why. I bet you get dumped one more time.

 

Make that one stick.

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I was informed last night by my partner of 10 months that I am no longer allowed to discuss him with my friends. This is due to a joint friend (who actually introduced us) becoming angry with him, sending him angry messages and being more on my side than his recently.

 

He's cheated and dumped me twice. We had a major argument recently that left me crying uncontrollably for two solid days. We also argued over my birthday most recently as I had arranged a meal out with the joint friend as our birthdays are close together

 

I've now cancelled the joint meal and made it just a meal for my friend which I've promised my friend I would organise for her to make up for the mess I made.

 

 

I see two parallel things happening here.

 

First is that you are complaining to your friends (joint or not) about him. My ex did this with my friends and it infuriated me, mostly because she told only her side of the story and when approached by my friend I had to set the record straight and let him know my side of the story. The back and forth became really taxing and tiring. I almost dumped her for doing this the first time. Nobody likes it when people complain about them behind their back.

 

Second is that he has cheated on you and dumped you twice. Which means, of course, that he's probably cheating on you again and this apprehension and anxiety is probably what your complaining to your friends about. He feels that he has absolute power over you because he can cheat on you, dump you, take you back at will and you seem to be OK with being used like a doormat by him. So he figures he can drop an ultimatem that you cant talk to anyone and isolate you.

 

This is the pattern of someone who has a personality disorder paired with someone with low self esteem. Likely borderline personality disorder or possibly narcissistic personality disorder. You have fallen into the co-dependency of making exuses for his actions ("the mess I made") and you are supporting his disordered way of dealing with the world.

 

You need to go to counselling to determine why it is that you are allowing this man to walk all over you. I would recommend that you break up with him and dont look back - go to counselling to ensure the next guy isnt the same thing.

 

All that said, in a relationship there are doors and there are windows. You complaining to a third party about the relationship is risque behavior because (a) if you are not communicating your problems with your partner directly to him, he cannot fix your problems and correct his behavior, and (b) you are now involving a third party into your relationship (ie. your mutual friend getting angry with him) which will only complicate matters, and finally © you are breaking the trust of confidentiality which is inherent in a romantic partnership that certain things will stay within the confines of your relationship and other things are Ok to say in public.

 

I will leave an example. My ex had absolutely no boundaries when it came to complaining about me behind my back to my friends. One weekend I was away, I came back and she advised me that my friend said that he would have sex with her and made a blunt offer which made me furious. I wasnt stupid however and got to the bottom of the conversation. She had been bitching to not only him but my roomates about how stagnant our sex life had become, how one time she had given me a blowjob and she asked me to reciprocate and I didn't and she was upset about it, and basically dumped gory graphic details of our sex life on the table for everyone whining about how horrible everything was. My friend said "fine if he wont f*ck you I will" mostly just to get her to shut up after hours of her whining about our sex life. I nearly dumped her over that.

 

But your BF is a jerk, ditch him.

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But it feels totally different when its your relationship and the man that you love and really want to be with.

 

WHY do you want to be with him? You need to really analyze that and figure out if you want to be with who he is, or if you want to be with who you believe he is under the cheating and controlling behavior.

 

I can understand him not wanting you to talk about him to a friend who is then going to come back to HIM and yell at him about whatever you told her. I wouldn't be happy about that either.

 

But he has no right to tell you what you can and can't say.

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That is why I like life long friends than short term relationships. What ever you put on FB is yours girlie,, your buddy gotta mental problem for sure. Dump him keep your friends,,

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Discussing your relationship with all friends is not appropriate for numerous reasons. We all need people we can talk too. But it needs to be limited to 1 or 2 friends. They should not be people who are going to gossip about it with other people.

 

They also should not be morally bankrupt people. I've had ex'es who have done this. The morally bankrupt friend will lend bad advice, justify your bad behaivor, and in general will make your relationship worse.

 

That said your male friend texting your boy friend was wrong. He was directly getting involved in your relationship. None of your friends should ever get involved in your relationship. It is between YOU and HIM no one else.

 

The cheating and other issues were completely wrong of him. But it's for you to decide how to deal with that. That said you can not use his past mistakes as ammo for future arguments.

 

The Birthday party I think both you and him were wrong. You should have discussed it with him. He should have been a bit more understanding. Just think about it.. You're in a relationship with someone you care about for 10 months. The Birthday rolls around and they go off and make plans not even involving you or asking you about it.. Uhh how do you think you'd feel? Like wise if he could not be there he should be understanding that you want to celebrate your birthday.

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If someone thinks he can tell me that I can't see my friends...I'm out.

 

Maybe you do whinge too much to mutual friends..but if you do you need to listen to your instincts and get out rather than whinge.

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He cheated, but you're the one getting punished. Explain to me how that is all right under any circumstances.

 

All he is doing is trying to deflect the blame back on to you to help his situation. Do not fall for his crap!

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aussietigerwolf

what the hell??? Am I missing something here? This guy is treating her like he's an abusive douche and you're acting like she deserves it.

 

Are the cheating and dumping relevant in anyway to the topic at hand or are you just once again trying to paint him as the villain in order to get support.

 

In a relationship, it's not ideal to discuss your going-ons with other people. Especially on social media. It doesn't matter if you name him or not. It doesn't take common sense for anyone that knows that you two are together to know you're talking about him.

 

He doesn't feel trusted with you hence the sour behavior with you. He feels like you will always stab him in the back.

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DazedandConfused8
Hi,

 

I was informed last night by my partner of 10 months that I am no longer allowed to discuss him with my friends. This is due to a joint friend (who actually introduced us) becoming angry with him, sending him angry messages and being more on my side than his recently. He named a few other friends who he is still on the fence about, but I'm not allowed to talk to any of them about him.

 

I have always lent on my friends for comfort, and sometimes I do reach out on facebook (without naming him) when I am low and need encouragement. That has to stop too apparently.

 

He's cheated and dumped me twice. We had a major argument recently that left me crying uncontrollably for two solid days. We also argued over my birthday most recently as I had arranged a meal out with the joint friend as our birthdays are close together. I knew he wouldn't be able to attend as he was busy on the day we chose. He went ballistic when he found out I'd organised it without discussing it with him first.

 

I've now cancelled the joint meal and made it just a meal for my friend which I've promised my friend I would organise for her to make up for the mess I made.

 

I now feel completely alone and isolated. I think this forum is the only safe place to discuss my fears but I'm already worried he'll somehow find this site and I'll be in trouble or dumped. Really not sure what help I need to feel better about this

 

Thanks for reading x

 

Why are you with this guy!? He's cheated twice, yet dumped YOU!? His friend gets mad at him and he tells YOU to stop talking to that friend?

 

Sounds like an excellent time to get away from this guy and move on.

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todreaminblue

I think you have to be careful about talking to friends about your relationship..what tends to happen sometimes is you only give the worst side when there are problems, which gives a skewed perception, a one sided one where your friends are going to be bias anyway....

 

in saying that...controlling behaviors and isolation are not on, he has cheated on you and made you feel isolated, you have to sit down with him and tell him honestly how you feel.....that what he has done has made you feel insecure about the relationship and even more so with what he has asked you to do in regards to your friendships ..he doesnt want you to rely on your friends for support well that means you would rely more on him and how does eh feel about that..see if you can work out a compromise a half way meeting point......i wish you well....no one should have to feel like they are alone in anything...but talking to your friends about intimate details of your relationship is a cautionary situation in my experience...what impression do you feel your friends have of your beau.....good luck.....deb

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