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New to OLD-Report your Methods for Success and Sanity


SunnyWeather

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SunnyWeather

Hi Community

 

I'm finally re surfacing after several years post divorce, and took the plunge into OLD. I would like to know what are your guidelines to OLD success? And, what are the pitfalls I should watch out for? disclosure: I've been reading here for four years now, so I've read about lots of horror stories, but now that I've dipped my toe in, I'm a bit at a loss as to how to proceed smartly.

 

For example: Do I give my email address right away to get the conversation off the site? I don't want to give out my phone number, do I ask for theirs? Do I wait for the guy to message me and merely "like" him and hope he responds with a message if he feels it too? I've noticed there are some guys who we match, but no one sends a message.

 

I could write a million questions, so I'll leave it open ended. Please post your methods and the steps you take before meeting someone.

 

I will add one more thing: I'm very private and have a lot of reservations about putting too much info about myself or writing a lot in the chat functions/messaging functions, I'd rather just take it to an email conversation then to a phone then possible even a coffee date...

 

What I've noticed in the last 48 hours, is that I've gotten a lot of interest. I respond (or like and rate them), but most conversations seem to just fizzle and the pffft fade out. I'd like it if the man took a bit of charge here, but I'm not sure what is exactly going on! When I've been a bit more assertive, they go dark, lol.

 

so much has changed since before I was married :confused:

 

thank you!

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SunnyWeather

one thing that's pretty interesting is that the photos I posted are pretty coy in how they disguise me, yet show my face and body- I cropped my face in strategic locations that add a lot of mystery yet still show the complete pic when combined with all of them.

 

I still can't believe how many responses I've gotten :cool:

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SunnyWeather

:bunny: i believe i've made contact, haha

 

a guy who went dark reappeared and asked to meet for coffee/tea this fri or sat.

 

i know many of you would say 'no' to weekend first meet ups, yes?

 

anyone??? i'm conversing with myself :eek:

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I would say yes depending on the time. I usually don't ask people out for first dates on Friday or Saturday night because I assume they already have plans. But if the coffee or tea was in the afternoon I think that would be fine and I would go.

 

As to the steps I take before meeting someone:

 

Here is what I do, it is pretty simple.

 

1. I find someone I might like I send her an email.

2. If she responds I'll send another email or two.

3. Then I'll ask her out for coffee or drinks depending on how close it is to the weekend and put my phone number in the email.

4. Then she will either text me or email me back with her response and I'll follow up with whatever medium she chose to communicate in.

5. If the answer is yes and there are multiple days until the date I'll usually call one time a day or two before the date

6. I might send a text on the day of the date just to confirm but it all depends on how spaced out the communication has been

 

So for me I don't want to try to communicate through email or OLD sites for any longer than needs be. I can't tell if I'm going to like someone until I've met them face to face. But I'm a guy so I don't have as many safety concerns with meeting someone. Perhaps I should be more careful but I'm not really investigating someone before I meet them so I'm not sure what I'd be trying to find out.

 

I really haven't had a lot of bad OLD experiences but I have been using the more expensive pay sites until now. I just signed up for OKCupid so maybe I have a rude awakening heading my way. I haven't been reading this site for too long but I have seen some crazy stories already.

 

I'm not sure why conversations are fizzling out for you. When I email someone I'm pretty much committed to meeting them in person if they want to.

 

So that is what I think is normal and I haven't had too much trouble meeting people.

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Don't let it consume you. It's a tool. Realize that when you are new, you get more interest because they have been on there a while.

 

The old rules -- men initiate -- don't apply. You can reach out.

 

Have a dedicated e-mail & possibly a phone # for this.

 

The faster you can get off the site & to a real conversation leading to a meet the better. You don't need a new texting buddy.

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PHOTOS: You should have a good selection of photos, at least 4-6. They should be good quality, well lit, preferably outdoors, you should be smiling and in a variety of locations, poses and outfits. No bathroom selfies.

 

PROFILE: It should be interesting and exciting, avoid the OLD cliches, you should not be bitter or negative, and make yourself sound like a lot of fun to be with. Most importantly you need to stand out from the crowd. Everyone and their dog is laid back, enjoys watching Game Of Thrones, likes all music except rap and country, likes spending time with friends, loves their family, and is looking for their partner in crime - no need to say those things. You need to give message and conversation hooks. For example don't just say you like travel, say you went to Seville last year and loved shopping for local crafts in the narrow streets. Instead of saying you like animals, say you own a ginger cat called Dave who likes to climb curtains and he will be interviewing all potential new partners. Basically write things that let people communicate with you easily and quickly. Give enough detail to make yourself interesting but don't make it a wall of text. Don't use adjective lists or in fact any kind of list.

 

INITIAL MESSAGES: Your photos and profile are the most important things in OLD. Get them right and your message content doesn't matter much - if they like you, they will want to talk to you no matter what you write (within reason!). Keep initial messages short and sweet. 2-3 sentences, commenting on something in their profile, and asking a simple question that doesn't have a yes/no answer. For example "I see you like skiing, did you manage to get away this season? I spent a week in Italy, I got onto my first black run! Pete" is good as a first message.

 

MESSAGING: Normally I would exchange 3-5 quality messages (that means messages with genuine getting-to-know-you content, not one-liners). If all goes well then I would say something like "how about we continue this conversation on the phone? My number is XXXXX, give me a call or text me your number and I'll call you". Then on the phone after a couple of minutes chat I would ask to meet up, usually a weekday evening or sunday morning, not more than a week away. There is absolutely no need for any other communication method (email, facebook, etc), you should go straight from OLD messages to phone to RL meeting. Sometimes people (mostly women) don't like to give out their phone numbers so you may need to skip this step... be careful if this happens, chances of being stood up are higher and you can't inform the other person if you're running a bit late.

 

MEETING: The first meeting should be something simple (and cheap) like coffee or a drink in a pub or a walk and ice cream in a park. I would plan for about 1-2 hours. It avoids all of the issues that can pop up such as who pays. If it's going well then you can always extend to a few more drinks or a meal or a walk by the river.

 

BE PICKY! I have met 30+ women from OLD and never been stood up, never had a fake, liar or psycho. A couple of times they have cancelled the day before but that is the worst I've had. Of course I haven't always got on with them and most didn't go beyond the first meeting, but they have always been genuinely looking for a relationship and all were pleased to have met me. How have I done so well? I was extremely picky in who I message, who I continue to talk to, who I met. I made sure their profile was interesting and we were a good match before even messaging them. Not only did I make sure they were my type, but I made sure I was their type too. The more you filter out earlier on, the less bad experiences or wasted time you'll have later.

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You got very good advice on here, especially by Pete (and the others too). I'm a woman, and I also had good experiences with OLD, but only after about 5 months of practicing. Before that it was a mix. I think you should just approach this with the attitude that you practice first. Don't get invested in the guys right off the bat, see it as fun, as a way to learn how to do this, what you like, what you don't like, what works and what doesn't.

 

You'll have people who will disappear on you after a few messages. You have to keep your messages short and to the point if you want to minimize that, but even then you'll have people go poof. I noticed that men that I contacted first usually disappeared. I contacted a few people but for me it never went well. The biggest secret is what Pete said, filter a lot, weed out the people. Now in the beginning you might want to filter less just to get the practice but when you are truly ready to find someone, being very very selective is the secret to success. Meet only serious prospects. Don't talk their head off. Don't go overboard with the privacy thing. Meet in a public place. I never had a problem.

 

I think the secret to not becoming insane is to have low expectations, right off the bat, and especially for the first few months of dating. Don't expect you'll get a relationship right away. And if you do, great! But it's not typical. Take everything that happens just as an experience that is enjoyable (or not), and live just in the moment, no projecting into the future.

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Im a veteran of OLD and being doing it on and off for up to 10 years!

 

I ve had around 20 dates out of that period and only 1 successful(ish) relationshoip thta lasted about a year.

 

A LOT, and I mean a LOT of people contact you and disappear.

 

A few of them are complete time wasters and only want a pen pal. To weed these people out I ask them after about a week or 2 weeks of cimunicating for a drink. If theyre into you they will want to meet up. I had this only woman who liked my message and thought I was funny with my banter. I gave her my number around the first week.

 

It wasnt until the second week I asked her to text me and she asked for my number again. Obviousily wasnt interested enough to take it down first time which I consider is a red flag.

 

To test her I mentioned I was free at the weekend and we should meet and then "poof", she disappears from reply. LOL.

 

I just feel now the older you get the more history or baggage these online people have. Its like were have the left overs on OLD.

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I still can't believe how many responses I've gotten :cool:

 

From this I am gathering that you are a woman.

 

As a woman you cant really lose on online dating.

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SunnyWeather

hi Everyone,

 

Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it.

 

OK, so I've just had my first phone conversation- he left his # on the site and I called with my # blocked :p we talked for about 15 mins and immediately discovered we have some things in common

 

he seems nice enough and we are going to meet for a drink tomorrow.

 

My sense is this guy is doin it right :)

 

Just as an aside, I'm noticing some characters will message me with odd questions or statements sans any introductions. For example: "are you 420 friendly?" or "I like sushi, thai and itailian, what about you?" or "you look hot in the beach pic"

 

i'm learning not to respond to these as it seems if they can't put together a simple "hello, I'm ---, I was wondering if..." i figure they probably have other social issues.

 

Keep your input/experiences coming! thank you

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Just as an aside, I'm noticing some characters will message me with odd questions or statements sans any introductions. For example: "are you 420 friendly?" or "I like sushi, thai and itailian, what about you?" or "you look hot in the beach pic"

 

i'm learning not to respond to these as it seems if they can't put together a simple "hello, I'm ---, I was wondering if..." i figure they probably have other social issues.

Yes you'll get a load of dumb messages. Just ignore them.

 

But don't expect introductions in every message, the "Hello I'm ---" stuff is quite unnecessary really, this is what the profile is for. The 3 messages you wrote above are pretty much straight to the recycle bin unless for example you asked what kind of food they like in your profile... in that case the 2nd one would show that he has read your profile and is taking an interest and starting a conversation. If the types of food subject is totally out of the blue then it's likely a copy/paste message and should be ignored. The 420 and the beach messages are obviously throwaway.

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Deactivating my account, was the best thing that I did regarding online dating. I know a few people who have had success with it, though - people on this board.

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Sweetnothing

To stay sane my best advice is to invest zero emotion in a person until you've been on a few dates. Don't get wrapped up in a fantasy if you haven't met them

even if they seem perfect. People are very different in person.

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SunnyWeather

Hi sweetnothing, ya, i have zero emotions regarding any potential prospects (excepet, perhaps, amusement but I don't think that's an emotion), and I'd like to think I'm pretty capable of keeping things in check. I'm old enough to have been around (and pretty darn content being on my own, honestly) to get invested before getting to knwo someone.

 

Thanks Pegnosepete for the insight, I'm learning to just delete those messages, it's a bit shocking actually the level of disconnect out there. I gather there is a whole back story related to these types that I'm not interested in finding out. maybe there are women out there who are into that way of conversing.

 

I'm finding that there are some guys I'd like to A) be friends with, b) have sex with and c) get to know as a potential partner d)have nothingwhatsoeverinanyway to do with them : )

 

lol, hope that isn't too much TMI. trust me, i've put this off for a solid four years now, this whole dating world is quite new and strange. in a way, it seems to be a bit of a bordello out there cyber-date-land, :p

 

tonight i'm meeting someone, the first one ever! he seems nice (in a good way). how do I identify skeletons that most surly will be rattling about? or put another way, red flags specifically related to OLD first meet ups?

 

thanks everyone!

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SunnyWeather

Report:

 

First date down. The man was nice enough, did everything right, but just didn't do it for me. I would've given it a second try (because I did feel fondness for him in a detached sort of way and the convo flowed), but when we said goodbye it was just that, goodbye, and no mention of a second by neither of us. (I think a question I asked made him get all defensive and ruffled a bit, who knows .) next

 

I promptly returned home and checked my messages from the site, :laugh:

(and to make it look like I wasn't trolling for other guys), and messaged him a thank you, haha. what a racket.

 

ok, so I've made it through my first date, might have a coffee date with surferdude tomorrow :o we'll see, i might have already reached my expiration date with this rodeo

 

quite frankly all of this ruckus is a bit distracting, these OLD sites seem to be a bit of a time sucker a la facebook

 

One thing that is quickly becoming apparent is the minimal pool of available men Id be interested in. whew, its a jungle out there. haha

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Step 1. Getting someone to at least respond to you.

 

Step 2. Wait... :laugh:

 

 

Hi Community

 

I'm finally re surfacing after several years post divorce, and took the plunge into OLD. I would like to know what are your guidelines to OLD success? And, what are the pitfalls I should watch out for? disclosure: I've been reading here for four years now, so I've read about lots of horror stories, but now that I've dipped my toe in, I'm a bit at a loss as to how to proceed smartly.

 

For example: Do I give my email address right away to get the conversation off the site? I don't want to give out my phone number, do I ask for theirs? Do I wait for the guy to message me and merely "like" him and hope he responds with a message if he feels it too? I've noticed there are some guys who we match, but no one sends a message.

 

I could write a million questions, so I'll leave it open ended. Please post your methods and the steps you take before meeting someone.

 

I will add one more thing: I'm very private and have a lot of reservations about putting too much info about myself or writing a lot in the chat functions/messaging functions, I'd rather just take it to an email conversation then to a phone then possible even a coffee date...

 

What I've noticed in the last 48 hours, is that I've gotten a lot of interest. I respond (or like and rate them), but most conversations seem to just fizzle and the pffft fade out. I'd like it if the man took a bit of charge here, but I'm not sure what is exactly going on! When I've been a bit more assertive, they go dark, lol.

 

so much has changed since before I was married :confused:

 

thank you!

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Kid_Charlemange

 

anyone??? i'm conversing with myself :eek:

 

OLD is very different for men vs women. I didn't reply at first because I didn't know your gender.

 

As per your questions:

 

- I wouldn't advise giving out your email until after you've met. You can communicate through the site. If you feel the need to take it offline, create a temporary freebie email addy; don't use your real one.

 

- The safest and least stressful ways to meet for the first time are during the day, on a weekday, some place busy and public. It's a cliche, but a coffee shop is perfect. If things just aren't there, you can get away quickly -- it's just coffee and "I need to get back to work." The first date isn't really a "date" in most cases. It's an interview.

 

- Remember that this guy is probably in this phase with a few other women. You will have first date overlaps as well. That's normal, and it's OK. There should never be any pressure or expectations at these early stages.

 

If there's comfort and a spark, then start thinking about a real date. Drinks, dinner, etc. And at that point, OLD becomes just like IRL dating.

 

Some women have been very close with any kind of personal information until after the first few dates. As in, I didn't know their last names. At first that seemed odd to me, but the more I thought about it, they didn't know anything about me, and it made sense to not give away too much info until they had a better feel. Let's face it, there are creeps and psychos out there. Or worse.

 

Good luck. I met my late wife 10 years ago on eHarmony. Started it up again this year using mostly OKC and Match, for a while. A lot of first dates, a few second ones, very few that went past four but a couple. Typical funnel process. Finally met one a couple months ago who I really hit it off with, and thought it could become an actual committed relationship, but it didn't work out. I've given up on dating, but it has nothing to do with OLD, just my own disappointments .

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SunnyWeather

Hi Kid- thanks for your input. I'm glad you understand the importance of maintaining privacy. I created an email for the specific purpose of OLD, so that is why I was willing to give that out. It's my phone # I'm more concerned about. I'm thinking of checking into a getting a google #, maybe someone can chime in about how they manage this aspect.

 

I've sorta acquiesced and have had some conversations on the site, I still feel uneasy about this because my sense is these sites are like Facebook, and all of the info one puts in (whether chatting or posting pics) is stored and made into a personal profile and used for various nefarious purposes :sick:

 

irc333- I'm not sure how much waiting I'm doing here. I am a bit proactive in that I rate those who I think I might like, that at least sends them a message that someone likes them, and if they like me too then it leads to the next interesting phase.....

 

which is: this weird push/pull I'm noticing. As a women, I've learned after my first couple of hours NOT to message a guy first. I will rate them, and like them, and if they feel the same and do not send a message, I move on. My first regret venturing into this new area is that I jumped right in and messaged about 4 or 5 guys, the likes of which never got back. Well, one did and said he didn't have much to go on (this was before I had posted any pics and had even less about myself than I do now). Truthfully, those that I messaged were the hottest of the lot, hehe

 

So, things have slowed down quite a bit after the initial flurry. I messaged back and forth with another prospect today. He asked if I'm free on Sun, told him when I was and that I was open for meeting up, and then he went dark, :rolleyes: rotf Literally, we were going back and forth today, head to head so to speak, and then when I agree, pffffft. I'm kinda getting a kick out of this very strange behavior. BUT, I'm really good at tweeking back because I really am not that invested so I don't care much, I find it amusing.

 

I do know that if and when someone of substance comes along, games will not be a playin

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The online dating experience is very different from a guys vs girls point of view.

 

I'm a guy so from my point of view when looking at a female's profile

 

Photos: Have at least one full body shot, it's clear when a girl is trying to hide something. Also, if you have a picture with you and a bunch of girlfriends, make sure it's clear which one is you.

 

Profile: No negativity, No chip on your shoulder mentality. Avoid generic adjectives and provide examples instead. Also, include something funny or quirky about you, which will serve as a good conversation hook for a guy when emailing you. Women want quality emails from a guy, so give him something to work with.

 

Online dating takes on an online shopping mentality and that's the unfortunate part of it. There will be plenty of guys you would chat with if you had been introduced to them in real life but won't in an online setting due to volume. Also, you never know who's talking to whom since it's one big dating pool so don't take it personally if someone goes dark. Follow up with them later on as their prior exchanges may not have resulted anything.

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SunnyWeather

bu2000, i completely agree with the consumeristic mentality, it's a bit overwhelming, truth be told, and I find it a huge time/energy sucker. That is why it is so important to keep things in perspective.

 

I find many similarities to Facebook also in how each is vying for attention, and also how the site manipulates things--I'm completely aware this is happening, and thus set parameters to how much time I spend on it (I came here instead of leaving it open and being distracted by the visitors/messages etc. :p)

 

I do have some new photos up, one full body bathing suit shot :D (which some guys have messaged just to say: "you look hot in the beach pic". To which I responded, "yes, it was rather warm that day" :cool:

 

I've kept the words to a minimum so far, succinct and flirty. I may go in at some point and add some poignant remarks that reflect my area of research/study

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SunnyWeather

:lmao: I'm having a wth moment right now. I got a message (they go to my email so I don't have to stay on the site) asking "Hey you, wanna meet for coffee/tea/drink or a walk this weekend?" with the guys name signed. Not sure what to make of this at 7pmsh on a Friday night. Kinda sweet and bold, actually, I'll give the guy props for cojones.

 

I have to say, I've not been asked out on a date for the weekend in a very looong time, so I think it's actually quite endearing. Maybe I should go check him/his profile out? :bunny:

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bu2000, i completely agree with the consumeristic mentality, it's a bit overwhelming, truth be told, and I find it a huge time/energy sucker. That is why it is so important to keep things in perspective.

 

I find many similarities to Facebook also in how each is vying for attention, and also how the site manipulates things--I'm completely aware this is happening, and thus set parameters to how much time I spend on it (I came here instead of leaving it open and being distracted by the visitors/messages etc. :p)

 

I do have some new photos up, one full body bathing suit shot :D (which some guys have messaged just to say: "you look hot in the beach pic". To which I responded, "yes, it was rather warm that day" :cool:

 

I've kept the words to a minimum so far, succinct and flirty. I may go in at some point and add some poignant remarks that reflect my area of research/study

 

I don't know what site you're on, but since Match is paid, there should be a higher quality of man, than say a free site like OkCupid or POF. Match also allows you to hide your profile, but still allow you search other profiles if you want to take some initiative in seeking out guys. You can then wink at those that peak your interest.

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SunnyWeather

hi bu2002

 

i think i may some day progress to a paid site, i'm getting my feet wet a bit here in the bordello of okstupid!

 

so, i had tentative plans to set something up with someone for tomorrow night, but instead the dude just goes dark again, pops in briefly and dashes back out before anything is set. why would he even bother?

 

hohum, this is getting quite boring, actually. I've noticed that there is a lot of evasive maneuvering right at the point when specifics are being discussed. whatever!

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so, i had tentative plans to set something up with someone for tomorrow night, but instead the dude just goes dark again, pops in briefly and dashes back out before anything is set. why would he even bother?

 

I mentioned this earlier in my post dated 20 Aug on the previous page.

 

You can filter out the time wasters usually by arrnaging a date say after you`ve been talking for a bout a week or two.

 

I ve had people disappear, not write back. I had asked one woman 4 times and she still dodged the question. Now I dont ask. I just say Im free this weekend. Lets go out for drinsk.

 

If theyre keen they`ll drop everything and be there. If not they`ll dodge you.

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