Jump to content

The "It's not you it's me"


Darren2013

Recommended Posts

I made a thread awhile back about telling a woman who asks me out that I'm not her type.

 

This pretty much ties in similarly to saying to a woman "It's not you it's me". Usually when people use that line it is basically a way to reject someone gently but I am sure there are rare cases when a person is sincerely saying "I'm interested but I have too many problems in my life to fix before I am ready to enter a relationship".

 

I know there has to be those rare cases because I am one of them. The only problem is that majority of people would not believe it. If I tell a woman it isn't you it's me and if she were to come on this board seeking advice on what I meant by that statement 99% of posters would say he just isn't into you if I wasn't here to explain myself.

 

Just goes to show how even majority advice can be wrong sometimes when rare situations come up. Then that woman would get the wrong impression of me thinking I was not interested when in truth as God sees my heart that I was interested in her but too afraid to progress the relationship at this time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How do you know what her type is?? If she asked you out, she obviously feels you're within her type.

 

I would be annoyed if someone rejected me by saying that.

 

What you said about being too afraid to progress in the relationship is more true to reality than trying to mind read and tell her what is her type or not. I'd MUCH prefer a man say he is too scared to progress or feels insecure rather than telling me what my type is if I asked him out.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

What difference does it make whether he says he isn't your type or whether he verbally tells you that he is insecure and afraid of a relationship? The end result is the same which is you won't consider him a candidate for dating and demote him to the friend-zone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's always about "me". How can it ever about "you" unless it involves some sort of physical dominance?

 

Say whatever you want to save face when confronted with your fears, but you're not arguing a "rare case".

 

The woman on the other side of the table could just as well interpret your "I'm too afraid of getting into a relationship" as "I'm too afraid of getting into a relationship with you" i.e. "You do not make me feel secure".

 

Why even bother pursuing women if not somewhere in your mind is the hope that you'll meet someone you feel safe enough revealing yourself to? Making yourself vulnerable to?

Link to post
Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh

I had that "it's not you, it's me" thing pulled on me about ten years ago. The reason she said it was that her old boyfriend came back and she never bothered to tell me that she was still involved with him but a friend of hers told me.

 

I noticed that she had changed and something wasn't right and finally it go to the point when I told her that time is up and the panel is stumped so what the hell is up and she said that she didn't want to see me any more and it wasn't me, it was her.

 

Well in a polite way told her that she was right and it is her and not me and that it would be in her best interest if she showed a little more manners and be honest before she starts dating while still seeing another guy. I also told her that I can live with the fact that she's seeing someone else but can you live with yourself cheating on him and then pretending that your faithful.

 

She wasn't happy with me after that and honestly I didn't give a rats ass since she wasn't a very trustworthy person.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I do agree this term gets tossed around a lot as an easy way to reject someone nicely.

 

 

How ever there is a lot of truth to it. I was dating a very beautiful amazing and loyal woman. At some point in the relationship I realized I had nothing to give her and ended things.

 

 

But it can be a legit reason to end things.

 

 

I would say the majority of the time this line is used. It's not the entire truth and it is partly you. It can be as simple as them feeling you are different people. Which is partly you.. To them feeling you are not a person they can have a quality relationship (again you).

Link to post
Share on other sites
I do agree this term gets tossed around a lot as an easy way to reject someone nicely.

 

 

How ever there is a lot of truth to it. I was dating a very beautiful amazing and loyal woman. At some point in the relationship I realized I had nothing to give her and ended things.

 

 

But it can be a legit reason to end things.

 

 

I would say the majority of the time this line is used. It's not the entire truth and it is partly you. It can be as simple as them feeling you are different people. Which is partly you.. To them feeling you are not a person they can have a quality relationship (again you).

It's not up to you to decide what she wants or what you think she should get out of the relationship. That's her choice!

 

Preemptively ending relationships "for" the other person is just as self-motivated as ending it for yourself. The martyr act is just a way for you to feel good about it - that your actions were somehow selfless and driven by the sacrifice of love.

 

You got scared. You bailed.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I dont see myself dating anybody for another 4 months. I have school, the burden of looking for a job, and a medical issue I want to address. Nothing that makes me undatable, but it takes so much out of me, it really is "me" and not "him".

 

However, life does happen. If someone made their way into my life, Id be honest with its current state, and would give it a chance.

 

So I agree that it is you and not her, but if someone gets close to you, it might be the chance to add to your life, rather than feel like you are adding another burden to it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's always about "me". How can it ever about "you" unless it involves some sort of physical dominance?

 

Say whatever you want to save face when confronted with your fears, but you're not arguing a "rare case".

 

The woman on the other side of the table could just as well interpret your "I'm too afraid of getting into a relationship" as "I'm too afraid of getting into a relationship with you" i.e. "You do not make me feel secure".

 

Why even bother pursuing women if not somewhere in your mind is the hope that you'll meet someone you feel safe enough revealing yourself to? Making yourself vulnerable to?

 

 

Because once I meet someone who I feel too comfortable around then the fun and games are over. There's no longer the thrill feeling. Once I've revealed myself then it won't take long before the relationship gets boring from here on out. Once I win then all I can think about is what's next? What's the next challenge? Perhaps that's one of the reasons I don't want to get married because then what's next after that? I don't want to do the same thing sleeping next to her every night for 40 plus years. Once a woman knows too much about me then it isn't fun anymore.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

But what about all the preaching on this board about how people should get their lives in order first and improve themselves before getting into a relationship?

 

I mean in theory it sounds good but if someone puts this into practice by telling a potential love interest that "I'm not ready for a relationship and I want to improve myself in some areas first before I get too close" then some might just interpret that as an excuse for low interest level in the person.

 

And yes granted some folks do use these lines as excuses while on the surface it sounds like they are doing the mature thing to want to get their lives in order before getting into a relationship.

 

It is a very responsible thing for a man to have his ducks in a row financially before marrying a woman and getting his house in order. However some guys who have no intention of marrying their girlfriend will use these lines as a stalling tactic and she thinks "ok well that's responsible of him to want to finish getting his house in order before marrying me" when he may just be stalling her. How can you tell the difference between a man who is trying to be responsible vs. the ones who are just stalling or making excuses not to commit?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Because once I meet someone who I feel too comfortable around then the fun and games are over. There's no longer the thrill feeling. Once I've revealed myself then it won't take long before the relationship gets boring from here on out. Once I win then all I can think about is what's next? What's the next challenge? Perhaps that's one of the reasons I don't want to get married because then what's next after that? I don't want to do the same thing sleeping next to her every night for 40 plus years. Once a woman knows too much about me then it isn't fun anymore.

Win what?

 

What challenge?

 

How does her knowing too much about you spoil the "fun"?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's not up to you to decide what she wants or what you think she should get out of the relationship. That's her choice!

 

Preemptively ending relationships "for" the other person is just as self-motivated as ending it for yourself. The martyr act is just a way for you to feel good about it - that your actions were somehow selfless and driven by the sacrifice of love.

 

You got scared. You bailed.

 

So what's the alternative? Are you suggesting he should have just continued with the relationship and waited for her to dump him? Just wait for her to drop him on her terms? If he had enough foresight to see that it was only a matter of time before she would be unhappy with him then what would be the point of him continuing that relationship? Why continue with something if there are early signs that it is likely a sinking ship?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Win what?

 

What challenge?

 

How does her knowing too much about you spoil the "fun"?

 

Because now that we know everything about each other the question in my mind becomes what's next? Okay so we know everything about one another inside and out. What now? Mystery is what makes living exciting to me. I don't want to know everything there is to know or I may come to the conclusion that there's no reason to live anymore. I get the sense that my purpose in the relationship has run its course once we know too much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
How do you know what her type is??

 

Yeah! WTF does that even mean? I had to think about it for a minute, and I guess if a woman said that to me, I'd come to the conclusion she was trying to tell me she's gay.

 

That's the only thing I can think of that would make her not my type, and it would still be a weird way to say it. Other than that, I have no idea what in the hell that means.

 

It just sounds weird. No offense, OP.

 

And "It's not you, it's me"? To me, that means I'm a decent guy, but she's just not interested. No big deal. I'd be more concerned if she said "It's you, not me."

Link to post
Share on other sites
So what's the alternative? Are you suggesting he should have just continued with the relationship and waited for her to dump him? Just wait for her to drop him on her terms? If he had enough foresight to see that it was only a matter of time before she would be unhappy with him then what would be the point of him continuing that relationship? Why continue with something if there are early signs that it is likely a sinking ship?

This line of reasoning is a return to "it's you" since the relationship is being ended because of a fear/belief of what "you" will eventually end up doing.

 

Yet it's also a deeply "me" issue, as they all must be, since the foresight seems to be more a projection of deep insecurity.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Because now that we know everything about each other the question in my mind becomes what's next? Okay so we know everything about one another inside and out. What now? Mystery is what makes living exciting to me. I don't want to know everything there is to know or I may come to the conclusion that there's no reason to live anymore. I get the sense that my purpose in the relationship has run its course once we know too much.

So then you see each relationship as a resource of fun that is eventually depleted?

 

Do you tell the women you're embarking on these relationships with that you have no intention of making it last?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So then you see each relationship as a resource of fun that is eventually depleted?

 

Do you tell the women you're embarking on these relationships with that you have no intention of making it last?

 

 

Only if they ask for marriage. I do not feel I have to tell them anything about my long term intentions until they express a clear interest in wanting something long term. I think it is a mistake to assume that all women want to marry you just because they agrees to go out with you. You are just dating. There hasn't been any contract signed that says you agree to make it work for the long haul. That's what separates dating from marriage. I prefer to live in the moment when I go out on a date and not worry about where it may lead in the future. I could die tomorrow and if I do then all this worry about making it last or not is moot. There's alot of uncertainty in life in general and very few things within our control. Whatever control we think we have is an illusion.

 

If I get a date then I'm going to enjoy it and not think about where it may lead tomorrow or not lead.

Link to post
Share on other sites

To some level, the it's not you it's me is true, there are many people who have different issues that prevent them from being available for love. The it's not you, it's me means that the other person is OK, nothing wrong with them, but YOU are not into them for whatever reasons. Or YOU cannot give them what they want. It's the same as "I'm just not that into you" though, because if you were really really reaaaaly into them, you'd get over whatever other issues you have and you would make it work. It doesn't mean it's "them", or they are not beautiful, or smart or nice.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
To some level, the it's not you it's me is true, there are many people who have different issues that prevent them from being available for love. The it's not you, it's me means that the other person is OK, nothing wrong with them, but YOU are not into them for whatever reasons. Or YOU cannot give them what they want. It's the same as "I'm just not that into you" though, because if you were really really reaaaaly into them, you'd get over whatever other issues you have and you would make it work. It doesn't mean it's "them", or they are not beautiful, or smart or nice.

 

 

But some issues take time to work out and cannot be resolved overnight. For example if I am 20 pounds overweight and a woman shows romantic interest and I explain that I'm not ready for a relationship because I gotta work on myself and get in better physical shape then it is going to take awhile to lose those 20 pounds first. The ideal goal is to be in the best shape possible before getting involved with someone. I'm going to look sexier at 20 pounds thinner than I would now. Why should either one of us settle if I am capable of improvement in areas that make me sexier than I currently am?

Edited by Darren2013
Link to post
Share on other sites

Conventional wisdom often given to women is if a man tells you they're not good enough for you, to believe them. And it's true. So if someone would tell me that, and they have, I believe them and think it's not about me, it's about them and am glad they were up front. Because it usually has meant they're mentally unstable, an addict, violent, or indigent.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Conventional wisdom often given to women is if a man tells you they're not good enough for you, to believe them. And it's true. So if someone would tell me that, and they have, I believe them and think it's not about me, it's about them and am glad they were up front. Because it usually has meant they're mentally unstable, an addict, violent, or indigent.

 

Well that's a much more respectable character trait on their part that they were willing to tell you upfront instead of waiting for you to find out after getting emotionally invested. Most people are not upfront with volunteering information about their issues and it takes courage to do that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
But some issues take time to work out and cannot be resolved overnight. For example if I am 20 pounds overweight and a woman shows romantic interest and I explain that I'm not ready for a relationship because I gotta work on myself and get in better physical shape then it is going to take awhile to lose those 20 pounds first. The ideal goal is to be in the best shape possible before getting involved with someone. I'm going to look sexier at 20 pounds thinner than I would now. Why should either one of us settle if I am capable of improvement in areas that make me sexier than I currently am?

 

That example is really....not convincing to me at all! If there is love, there is love and 20lb don't make a lick of a difference. If someone came up with that I'd totally think they are not into me. If you love someone you love them at their best, and at their worst and waiting to lose 20lb is not really a good reason to bail on someone who likes you just the way you are.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
That example is really....not convincing to me at all! If there is love, there is love and 20lb don't make a lick of a difference. If someone came up with that I'd totally think they are not into me. If you love someone you love them at their best, and at their worst and waiting to lose 20lb is not really a good reason to bail on someone who likes you just the way you are.

 

But there are degrees of attraction. A person is generally that much more attractive when they are at a healthy weight than if they are overweight. I'm not saying a little tummy sticking out disqualifies one as a candidate for dating but losing the tummy is much more attractive.

 

There's degrees of exciting sex. Sex is more exciting after improving ourselves in certain areas than before. But if one is content with mediocre sex life then fine.

 

In a perfect ideal world people would love each other for better or for worse but we do not live in heaven.

Edited by Darren2013
Link to post
Share on other sites

"It's not you, it's me" is a cop out. Because the truth is it is the other person when you say that. If it wasn't the right time, than you would say, "I am really interested, but right now the timing is bad". In other words, you tell the truth. As for taking it the wrong way, in this day and age, when you say the whole it's me thing, everyone knows how the other person is going to interpret it. If you know it comes across the wrong way, than you wouldn't say it now would you?

 

relationships are all about communication.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Kid_Charlemange
If you love someone you love them at their best, and at their worst and waiting to lose 20lb is not really a good reason to bail on someone who likes you just the way you are.

 

I dunno. It could be a pre-emptive move. Even though the partner says "you're great the way you are," it doesn't mean they mean it. My ex told me that all the time. Right up until she cheated on me with a much younger, much more attractive man -- and then told me "Well what did you expect? That I should settle for you?"

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...