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I've never used a site like this before but the only advice I get from friends over this issue is "its a nice problem to have" - except its not - its driving me nuts.

 

 

If I was to make a checklist of what I want in a 'perfect guy' it would read: loyal, attractive, funny, ambitious, driven, successful, outdoorsy, a 'family focused' man. I'm enough of a realist to know no one is 'perfect' theres no such thing, but I've met two guys who could come perfectly close right at the same time.

 

 

I'll call them Ryan & Brad.

I meet Ryan through a mutual friend, tall, dark & handsome, he's really smart. He's a lawyer, super successful/ambitious, designer suit/car/house. He's very charming, romantic, took me to a beautiful little restaurant on out first date and ballroom dancing on the second, he gives me total butterflies when were together. We share a passion for travel, he's been all over the world! And speaks 3 languages same as I do.

...not quite as keen on kids as I am - but I don't meet many guys who are as a primary school teacher myself.

 

Same week I meet Brad, also good looking in more of a Jonas Armstrong as Robin Hood kinda way. He does some work with horses and works on his dads farm. He's just so funny, makes me laugh till it genuinely hurts, we get on so well, have all the same values, I can talk to him for hours about absolutely nothing. Plus he's half irish - like me, and from a big family - like me. He's a proper proper family man, a devoted uncle, desperate for his own kids. ...doesn't value money in quite the same way as me, we both grew up with out much money - its made me want more for my kids, its made him feel its not important

 

 

 

 

Its so difficult, how do you weigh up people who are so different? I could be perfectly happy with either I think.. although the potential life each of them offer couldn't be more different - they're opposites in so many ways.

 

 

I feel worse and worse for not committing to one of them but a sway back and forth like a yoyo.

I think I'll spend some time with both of them where they live and then decide and Ryan takes me on a boat on the themes and its beautiful and he tells me about all these amazing places he's visited and he sweeps me off my feet and then we go this wicked intimate concert and I think its him I want. Then of course I go down to see Brad and we have this big BBQ for one of his many brothers birthdays and there all so lovely and grounded like him and I watch him playing with his nephews and he takes me to his favourite camping spot and we toast marshmallows and sip whisky, and I just spill my guts to him - I feel like I've known him forever, he's so easy to talk to.. and them all confused again.

I thought id ask them both up to mine this weekend gone, spend a day with each make my decision and stick to it only I was sick.. Saturday brad turns up anyway and he'd brought me chocolate cake and we just chilled at home all day and watched movies and played poker and I looked a hot mess im sure but it doesn't seem to matter with him, its just comfortable. I think to myself definitely Brad - problem solved. Following day I get a huge bunch of flowers delivered from Ryan and a lovely little note.. and I did tell them both not to come so at least he follows instructions well.

 

 

Even my mums met both and likes both, she just says Ryan would give you the lifestyle you wanted but Brad would give you the family you wanted - but how do you know which one you should go with?

 

 

Arrgghhhh whoever said this was a "nice problem to have" never had it!!!

Edited by Soph
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It all comes down to the personality match. Don't pay too much attention to the gifts and flowers because any "no-personality" guy can do it. May be you can set up an identical date with both of them (of course on different days), without the fancy restaurants, boats, and other people around. You can set up something simple like just grocery shopping, or having a coffee at a cafe without all the distraction and see which one clicks more. Another option is to purposely set up something that is stressful, like waiting in long line for a movie or sitting in awful traffic. This way you can see how each responds to unpleasant situations/how each can turn an unpleasant situation into something pleasant.

 

I know it sounds kind of unethical, but trying seeing them in non-distracting setting, where they don't get to use other things to make the date exciting. Pay attention to which one is able to keep their ego in check, too. You are a one lucky girl.

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I agree with above poster. Exclude the gifts and flowers; whose personality matches you more? And most importantly, who makes you happy? Take note of how they treat strangers (especially waiters in restaurants, cashiers in grocery stores, etc) - are they polite to them or do they treat them rudely?

 

Definitely a tricky situation. With one man, you can have the fancy lifestyle you seem to enjoy, but possibly without kids, while the other you can have a huge loving family but with an ordinary life. Ask yourself, what do you value more: money or family? This seems to be quite a big deciding factor.

 

(For me, I think I'd choose chocolate cake over flowers haha)

 

Good luck to you :)

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I think I am getting the feeling you want both ;) Here what I feel when I read your story, For Rayan seems a fake. Might be he has a luxury life style, and but he is not keen about kids as much as you want. And Rayan seems will do anything till he get your confirmation you choose him. And he is dark as you say,,, they are very good at playing.. that comes from my own experience.

If I were you I will choose who I can think as a family , that is the best than the living style or the way of dressing or showing off. The important thing is how you and Rayan or Brand getting on in real life than dating period. So it is really hard to see from this point. I hate choosing things,,, But if I were you I go for Brad. Good luck Girlie do we get an update you choose ;)

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Supernatural

As I read this... I was like "What the hell, does this woman think she is on the bachelorette?" And I think you probably do. As much as you say you don't like the yo-yo, I bet you're having a blast being swooned by both. Women... Haha

 

Anyways... Nuff teasing. Let's get down to brass taxes...

 

Ryan

Everything you mentioned about him, he uses his money to woo you. Little personality is wooing you. Take away the dance lessons, the boat, the suit, the car... Does he still woo you? You're mum was right; he can give you a great lifestyle. Nice house and fancy things.

 

Brad

Everything you mentioned about him has to do with who HE is. He is not defined by his wealth or social status. You said it yourself "and I just spill my guts to him - I feel like I've known him forever, he's so easy to talk to.." Your mom was right; he can give you a really happy family.

 

You said this: "...doesn't value money in quite the same way as me, we both grew up with out much money - its made me want more for my kids, its made him feel its not important"

 

If this was the bachelorette; every person would say "CHOOSE BRAD!" but, when you're sitting on someones boat and speaking in different languages, get flowers when your sick, traveling the world... How could you choose him? The viewers know which is more 'loving' but only you know which is filled with more possibilities. Ryan is much more enticing.

 

I bet you can picture the rest of your life with Brad, and that bores you, but also fills you with satisfaction.

 

I bet you don't know what to expect with Ryan, and that's exciting. So much could happen. Such pretty things, amazing views, etc.

 

If I was you, I would probably choose Ryan. It's the same reason I chose a career in Film rather than be a Sports Therapist. One has this amazing "What could happen?" -- its risky and sexy. And the other is like "Ya, I would have a pretty good life, with a nice picket fence" -- it's safe and predictable.

 

 

Quite the situation. :bunny:

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Supernatural
oh boy:D would you do that?

 

Tales - Brad

Heads - Ryan

 

*Flips Coin*

*Lands tales*

*Grabs coin*

*Turns over*

 

HEADS! :love:

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M, W, F - Ryan

T, H, S - Brad

 

Rest on Sunday. I could be a nice problem to have, if you simply manage it. And don't worry, it won't last forever.

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Supernatural

I re-read your post...

 

You DEFINITELY feel much more romance with Ryan. 100%. Just the words you use when describing him and your connection. Compare the two. These are YOUR words describing to us.

 

Ryan Words

Beautiful

Passion

Butterflies

Amazing

 

Brad Words

Devoted

Funny

Comfortable

Grounded

 

 

It seems like Brad would be your best friend who is a guy. He's so incredibly great at being a friend. He's there. Shows up. Is super genuine. Every person needs a person like him in their life.

 

But... This is romance. You're not looking for a best friend. You're looking for a mate. And that's where dating gets complicated for everyone. And that's why being a really good guy to a woman, doesn't work -- treating her like your bestie. Because there is just too much comfort. And comfort feels like sitting in molasses.

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Supernatural
M, W, F - Ryan

T, H, S - Brad

 

Rest on Sunday. I could be a nice problem to have, if you simply manage it. And don't worry, it won't last forever.

 

Looks like my gym/stretching routine.

 

M,W,F - Weights

T, TH, SA - Stretch

Sunday - International Me Day

 

...I really need a girlfriend... :o

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Thanks so much for all the advice guys!!

 

 

Definitely a tricky situation. With one man, you can have the fancy lifestyle you seem to enjoy, but possibly without kids, while the other you can have a huge loving family but with an ordinary life. Ask yourself, what do you value more: money or family? This seems to be quite a big deciding factor.

Its hard, it is. Of course money or family, if I had too, I'd choose family, I would, that's what I've always wanted since I helped bring up my own little brother from when I was about 13 and him 10 and my mum worked 3 jobs. I've always wanted kids, I've always wanted my own family - I used to think id be settled down with my first child by now. But I so don't want my kids growing up in a broken family cause I've done that! And Brads probably the most family orientated guy I've ever met - he'd be a doting husband and a doting father and that's as attractive as hell! But likewise im a big big dreamer which is something I share more with Ryan, he dreams big and he's been successful and that's really attractive too.

 

 

My mum said before I met either of them that you'll never find one guy who thinks completely within the family box whilst at the same time dreams outside all the boxes. Which I get but I didn't see myself being presented with both options at exactly the same time like this.

 

 

What if you put it on its head - which one would you be most sad not to see/speak to again?

Blahh that's hard.. I guess i'd miss Brad more at this present moment because I'm like, closer to him, I know him better as a person, I know where he went to school, I know he was on the swim & football team but sucked at chemistry, I know he loves to surf, I know about all his horses, and I think like he knows more about me too cause I tell him stuff about like my family, or work, or.. favourite pizza topping. And I think it would be harder to tell Brad I didn't want to progress things - he's a softer guy and he does these break-your-heart-puppy-dog-eyes whenever anyone so much as mocks anger at him.

With Ryan things are never the same, we're always doing something different, seeing something different, so I wouldn't miss the stuff we've done so much as i'd miss the...possibilities, the stuff we could of done and maybe the relationship we could of had.. like, I don't know half as much about Ryan, nor him me, because like when we're together we talk more about like broader things.

 

 

Its just so hard.. If the chips were down and I needed someone who wouldn't let me down, someone to put there arm round me and know just what to say to make me smile, I'd call Brad - I'd call Brad even over most of the people I've known for an awful lot longer.. we just seem to have a really good connection, we get each other in as much as I can read him like a book.

But while life's pretty steady and calm Ryan's a bit of an unknown entity, and I can't read him, I have no idea what he's going to say or do next, and so I'm definitely not as relaxed in his company as in Brads, but he is exciting, he keeps me on my toes...

 

 

Basically

If this was the bachelorette; every person would say "CHOOSE BRAD!" but, when you're sitting on someones boat and speaking in different languages, get flowers when your sick, traveling the world... How could you choose him? The viewers know which is more 'loving' but only you know which is filled with more possibilities. Ryan is much more enticing.

 

I bet you can picture the rest of your life with Brad, and that bores you, but also fills you with satisfaction.

 

I bet you don't know what to expect with Ryan, and that's exciting. So much could happen. Such pretty things, amazing views, etc.

your pretty damn close to the mark!

I'm not loving it like some episode of a TV series - not gonna lie it was fun for like two weeks - now its like being on a rollercoaster and I cant get off, and im getting deeper and deeper with both of them and all the time I leave it its getting messier and messier and I feel so much time pressure to make like a potentially life altering decision. Because I'm not 17/18 anymore just dating for fun, I want to be heading for a future.

 

 

Like I say Ryan sweeps me off my feet and I have no idea what to expect with him - which is exciting but also a little like climbing a rock blindfolded. He's very much in control and that's an odd feeling, romantic.. but also kind of.. I duno whats the opposite of being in control. Whereas yeah, I can picture my whole life with Brad, grandkids & great grandkids and the white picket fence - the works. And that's safe, comfortable yeah, I wouldn't say boring but of course theres an element of predictability in that.

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I don't know... Do you really like Ryan or is it just his lifestyle and his material things that appeal, and the expensive dates that give you the butterflies?

 

Personally I think brad sounds better. But don't let my obvious bias influence you :)

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The very last thing you should do here is choose. Clearly you're not ready to commit or you wouldn't be all into two guys, so what you do here is refuse to commit to either of them. If one gets ugly and jealous about it, he may leave and so there you have the survivor. Most guys can deal with not committing as long as you don't talk about your other dates and as long as they too have other dates.

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Blahh that's hard.. I guess i'd miss Brad more at this present moment because I'm like, closer to him, I know him better as a person, I know where he went to school, I know he was on the swim & football team but sucked at chemistry, I know he loves to surf, I know about all his horses, and I think like he knows more about me too cause I tell him stuff about like my family, or work, or.. favourite pizza topping. And I think it would be harder to tell Brad I didn't want to progress things - he's a softer guy and he does these break-your-heart-puppy-dog-eyes whenever anyone so much as mocks anger at him.

With Ryan things are never the same, we're always doing something different, seeing something different, so I wouldn't miss the stuff we've done so much as i'd miss the...possibilities, the stuff we could of done and maybe the relationship we could of had.. like, I don't know half as much about Ryan, nor him me, because like when we're together we talk more about like broader things.

 

But that's your situation right? You do have to make a decision now, either you can make that choice now AND say bye to the other guy putting him right out of your head OR neither of these relationships will work - you cant invest when your wondering If the grass is greener, and you'll risk losing both anyway if you keep playing both sides.

 

 

Do you like either enough to totally ditch the other?

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Which one's sex drive best matches yours? If you are high drive, don't date a low drive person, and vice versa, as that can eventually destroy a relationship. If neither match, then keep looking. If one matches, then is he any good in bed? If both match, pick your favorite and have sex with him. If after a few times it isn't good, try the other!

 

If you haven't been in any long term relationships and really don't know where you are on the libido scale (it takes about two years to know how you'll be with someone after the initial hormones wear off), then it's a risk for you and him, and only time together will make this known.

Edited by central
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Smilecharmer
Have them wrestle each other. Who would win?

 

 

Have them wrestle each other naked. That would help me to make up my mind which you should choose if you take a photo of it and describe it in detail. :laugh:

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Have them wrestle each other. Who would win?
Have them wrestle each other naked. That would help me to make up my mind which you should choose if you take a photo of it and describe it in detail. :laugh:

 

Hahah now that would be fun! I don't know if it would help but it would be fun :laugh:

 

Ryan's a much bigger man, a good 5/6 inches taller, but Brads a country boy, from experience if you can tackle a sheep I'd fancy your chances in a wrestling ring :laugh:

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Supernatural

Possibilities...

 

You say you and Ryan talk about much broader things. Look how much you have talked about and you haven't even gotten to pizza toppings yet... If you want a future; there has to be tonnes of conversation. Not the same things over and over in different words.

 

With Brad; well ya, you guys have a very wholesome relationship because... That's who he is. Of course you're going to feel comfortable and want to call him up about anything.. Because that's the type of relationship which has been built so far. But I wouldn't expect him to change and all of a sudden be talking about deeper broader things in life.

 

Everything aside...

 

Who stimulates more emotion in you?

Who makes you feel satisfied?

Who makes you dream?

Who excites you?

Who makes you present in the moment?

 

I want these answers on my desk by tomorrow.

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You say you and Ryan talk about much broader things. Look how much you have talked about and you haven't even gotten to pizza toppings yet... If you want a future; there has to be tonnes of conversation. Not the same things over and over in different words.

 

With Brad; well ya, you guys have a very wholesome relationship because... That's who he is. Of course you're going to feel comfortable and want to call him up about anything.. Because that's the type of relationship which has been built so far. But I wouldn't expect him to change and all of a sudden be talking about deeper broader things in life.

This is all true! They are who they are, Brad can make a great campfire and he can fix just about anything that's broken - and i can call him up and tell him about the finer details of my day at work and i know he'll be genuinely interested....but he's never going to worry about the label on his suit, nor choose wine or more than the picture on the label - and he's not going to talk to be in fluent French about European culture.

 

Whereas Ryan is like his mirror opposite.. I'm more nervous prior to seeing Ryan because I can't just whittle on about my day fingerprinting with 10 6year olds to him, but once I'm there I enjoy it...cause being with him is so polar opposite to my day to day life...and your right it's exciting - it kind of doesn't feel real...brads very real, I could quite easily imagine coming home from work every evening to cuddle up to brad on the sofa. I know that wouldn't be enough for someone like ryan...that's why it's hard to compare them - Ryan constantly surprises me, I can't read him, I don't know what makes him tic so I don't know what life with him up would be like, in order to be in a solid possesion to compare

 

Tough questions! Haha

 

Who stimulates more emotion in you? ....hmm.. brad. I'm not a heart on the sleeve kind of girl so I need to feel really connected to someone before opening up emotionally to them.

Who makes you feel satisfied? Brad

Who makes you dream? I'd say both of them do for different things - I can see myself exploring the world with Ryan, and I could see myself bring up a family with brad.

Who excites you? Ryan

Who makes you present in the moment? Ryan

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