sm2281 Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 He called another woman (who has been hanging in his friendzone) right in front of me. We have been dating for 4 months and have not had any public dates He refused to give up women in his friend zone Doesnt seem like he wants to do anything with or for me and acts like he has other things to do (that are more important during times wr are together [once or twice per week]) Idk if this is normal as im new to dating aftet a divorce. Please let me know, taking a poll so i can see how its going. There is some good stuff too but i want an objective well rpunded opinion before i go jumping to conclusions. So please tell me if these behaviors would be acceptable yo you or examples of unaccwptable or acceptable behaviors. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 He's not that into you. Yes, it is perfectly fine for him to openly have female friends, but it is clear that he doesn't really see you as girlfriend material. There's no future here - move on. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 For me, I'd say no.....however i don't think what you're describing yourself as in, is not a "relationship". You've had no public dates? Is he married? Are you only sleeping together. I think you need to establish what your relationship IS and then set your boundaries. That said, whatever makes you uncomfortable should be non-negotiable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 He's not interested in a relationship with you. Geesh I don't even treat FRIENDS as poorly as he is treating you...ignoring you to call other women in front of you, refusing to take you into public, not doing anything nice for you? Does that seem like a guy who is interested? Do you treat people that poorly? No? Then why would you think it's "normal" or okay for him to do so to you? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 He called another woman (who has been hanging in his friendzone) right in front of me. We have been dating for 4 months and have not had any public dates He refused to give up women in his friend zone Doesnt seem like he wants to do anything with or for me and acts like he has other things to do (that are more important during times wr are together [once or twice per week]) Idk if this is normal as im new to dating aftet a divorce. Please let me know, taking a poll so i can see how its going. There is some good stuff too but i want an objective well rpunded opinion before i go jumping to conclusions. So please tell me if these behaviors would be acceptable yo you or examples of unaccwptable or acceptable behaviors. Sorry, your story doesn't say... what exactly is wrong about him calling another woman? Did he say something inappropriate to her? Or do you just think you deserve 100% of his attention and shouldn't do anything else when he's with you? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 Hell no! dear it's a no brainer. Tip: stay away from guys who have a lot of women friends in his harem. You are not dating if he hasn't taken you out on proper dates....you are FWB. Holy crap you have no experience or something? you 20 and he is in his 40's? You are just an option, not a priority. Dump the bastard. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 I was married for 10 years prior to this so it all all very new. I am very traditional in alot of ways. He tells people im his girlfriend...we just dont go out. I dont ecpectbhim to give up his life but i found it to be disrespectful for him to call this chick after i hadnt seen him for a week and he was supposed to be spending time with me. He did get me a flower. Friendzones are tricky because you never know if they are geniune frienfs or love interests hanging around (on either side) Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 Sorry, your story doesn't say... what exactly is wrong about him calling another woman? Did he say something inappropriate to her? Or do you just think you deserve 100% of his attention and shouldn't do anything else when he's with you? I am a little old fadhioned. I think if you are showing to to someones house and going to let them buy you dinner and at some point in the night going to gey your guts poked....i would think a bit of one to one time would be in order. Yes. Im not a phone zombie. Id like to spend time with the person ibwent to visit. Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 I was married for 10 years prior to this so it all all very new. I am very traditional in alot of ways. He tells people im his girlfriend...we just dont go out. I dont expect him to give up his life but i found it to be disrespectful for him to call this chick after i hadnt seen him for a week and he was supposed to be spending time with me. He sounds like a complete and total loser. Either that or a cheapskate. Whatever the case, DUMP HIM! He did get me a flower. oh good lord. He's putting in less than zero effort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Are you honest with him and what you expect as far as friendzone girls go even though it would be cool if guys could read our minds so we dont have to speak at all....we have to voice what we expect......because they cant read minds.....so have you spoken with him on what you really see in the future for you two.....as far as exclusivity goes four months is a fair whack of time to know someone..... why havent you had a public date yet is once or twice a week enough for you and what do you do on those dates? what are the good things you like about him and your relationship with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Go by his actions....he has women on the side. Why do you think he doesn't take you out? He's just making sure you are kept out of site as to not cramp his style with the ladies. He is keeping his options open. Stop defending this guy....he is using you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 So thanks for all of the replies btw. Im back and forth with it. I dont want to go out to clubs etc because im a parent of a specual needs child, and it is difficult to find a sitter for evenings out. That being said the offer has only been solicited once in 4 months. To go out. And it was to crossfit. And i didnt go because i am tired and if i pay an over priced sitter its not going to be just to go to crossfit. (Thats why) the offer generally isnt there to go out and it is difficult on my pocketbook for a sitter $16/hr for special needs. This friend zone girl he sweeeeears that they are just good friends from hs and yada yada. That being said hes let go of everyone else in the friendzone that was a forner interest. What do i like about him. He does tell his friends (even the friendzone girl) about me. He thinks about the future and includes me in it. We stay with eachother twice a week normally amd sometimes for a couple of days at a time. He is a bit cheap but i think i make more money than he does and his job is downsizing. (He has his own plans for that and has stated them and working on a better fin. Situation) i havent asked a dollar amoubt because i think its inappropiate at this stage. What he makes is his business unless things progress to living together. The paying for things....idk its important in some ways but in others its not. The important thing is that he is self supporting. We have alot in common but are both very different. Our ideals and beliefs ade very much the same in a lot of ways, as well as future goals. He is a sweetheart to my face and we rarely disagree and if there is a problem we hash it out (healthily /no swearing yelling abuse etc). He is encouraging and inspiring to me in some ways and he says those things about me. One drawback is that we have 2 differenr ciecles of friends and none of them are mutual. So i cant "hear ir through the grapevine." If anything fishy is up. But he seems genuine when he is talking to people (in my presence) and about the tjings he says he tells people. (Minor trust issues but let go of them mostly on my part) So hmmmmmn. I do appreciate the responses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 Also i do have to say his apartment was what he had with his ex and he is letting that go and moving out becaude i dont feel comfortable going over there with my kid to some place full of his exes stuff. And all of the stuff that he says it stuff he says. I think its genuine but who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 Go by his actions....he has women on the side. Why do you think he doesn't take you out? He's just making sure you are kept out of site as to not cramp his style with the ladies. He is keeping his options open. Stop defending this guy....he is using you. I can see that, this is why i am asking. The relationship is still very new and while i can spot a loser as well im wondering if it just needs more time. *time does not exist* i have to keep telling myself this. Time does not exist. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 I understand it is difficult with a special needs child. Call your local ARC; they can get you respite care so you can go out. If he's being romantic even inside the house, that may be OK but the lack of actual dates would bother me. Half the world is made up of the opposite sex. Everybody has to deal with the other gender. I'm a big proponent of maintaining pre-existing friendships even when in a romantic relationship but they must be true friends not EXs or other people who would like to become romantic partner. The fact that he called another women in front of you may be OK because it's not behind your back & the if the conversation was neutral I wouldn't freak. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 He called another woman (who has been hanging in his friendzone) right in front of me. We have been dating for 4 months and have not had any public dates He refused to give up women in his friend zone Doesnt seem like he wants to do anything with or for me and acts like he has other things to do (that are more important during times wr are together [once or twice per week]) Idk if this is normal as im new to dating aftet a divorce. Please let me know, taking a poll so i can see how its going. There is some good stuff too but i want an objective well rpunded opinion before i go jumping to conclusions. So please tell me if these behaviors would be acceptable yo you or examples of unaccwptable or acceptable behaviors. I don't mean to be rude: But for the life of me I have NEVER understood the logic that because one hasn't dated in a while one doesn't know when you're being treated shyttty! Of course you know. As a married woman would it fly if your husband were doing those things? If not, why would it fly in dating? Also...doesn't sound like you guys are an exclusive couple. He doesn't take you on public dates and doesn't want to give up other women???? Huh??? You guys aren't in an exclusive relationship then. You have to know your worth and boundaries in dating...FIRST OFF. If not, people will use you. I don't think having not dated in a while is a good excuse. You have to set your own standards before dating. You have to know what is acceptable TO YOU. Not what other people think. If you hate how you're being treated then it's not acceptable. I would dump this dude personally as there isn't even much of a relationship. If in 4 months he hasn't taken you out publicly, doesn't want to give up other women and doesn't want to do anything with you and doesn't prioritize you...things won't change and you're a convenience to him. Run, don't walk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 I understand it is difficult with a special needs child. Call your local ARC; they can get you respite care so you can go out. If he's being romantic even inside the house, that may be OK but the lack of actual dates would bother me. Half the world is made up of the opposite sex. Everybody has to deal with the other gender. I'm a big proponent of maintaining pre-existing friendships even when in a romantic relationship but they must be true friends not EXs or other people who would like to become romantic partner. The fact that he called another women in front of you may be OK because it's not behind your back & the if the conversation was neutral I wouldn't freak. I have done the respite thing and im waiting on that but anyway that is not the only point. Its that he just hasnt asked. I would be willing to pay the sitter but the point of all that was is it normal for him to ask once in 4 months. I dobt mind maintaining friends either. But i can be a bit insecure (not crazyily but im human) I try not to be. He does still contact his ex and she is coming over to seperate things from his apartment due to his move (as mentioned on an earlier post) I didnt freaknout about it, just checking myself. Thats all (ha) I thibk i might be falling in love and i am trying to not only approach it from thw heart but also to be smart about it so i do not compromise my childs well being or the other aspects that might be affected in my life by having a new partner. This is why i am picking itt o pieces. I want to be sure. Especially if there is talk of makig life changes (moving closer together, or whatever comes next) Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Share Posted August 11, 2014 I guessthe conclusion that i have come to is that i think he id holding onto his past. Its not the friends. Its the past in general. And i grt thst he likes md and eants to be with me but is relictant to let go of it to move foreward. I dont think im rushing. But im not taking a backseT to the past forever. Could just be me overthinking too. (I say this because he also still has pictured of his ex up on socisl media and still talks to her. Ive asked about that and he says there is no chance. But who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 Go by his actions....he has women on the side. Why do you think he doesn't take you out? He's just making sure you are kept out of site as to not cramp his style with the ladies. He is keeping his options open. Stop defending this guy....he is using you. Awww come on. he got her a flower. Doesn't matter if he picked it from the neighbors place after he hoped out of his car, its the thought that counts. Okay he might be a bit self centered + not making his gf a priority....but the flower. The flower cancels out all that other stuff. He's a good guy Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted August 12, 2014 Author Share Posted August 12, 2014 So what do I do? I am about to google signs to know its time to break up rather than talk in this forum any more. Im not sure. Usually I can read a person, but this one person bugs me. Because she does. So idk what to do. maybe I should just let it go and you guys are right. I just am not sure though. I feel like I may be letting go of a good guy who is just shy at times or I am getting played. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted August 12, 2014 Author Share Posted August 12, 2014 I didn't go snooping or anything crazy, but I asked for a quick ride to run some errands today and saw on his phone that this lady is asking where he was. Here is that piece. She just moved here from another state and asked to stay with him. I haven't been at his apt (because i am without a car) but he spends most (all) weekends and talks openly all the time with me on the phone. So idk she might be staying there behind my back because I don't have a car to go over to his place atm. This is what worries me. The story is she is staying with the neighbor (his best friend) and I am not entirely sure if this is true or not. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 sm2281 there are more things he's doing wrong then he's doing right, imo. You can like him as much as you want but if he can't manage to ask you on a date more than once in 4 months, what's the point? It doesn't seem like you are a priority to him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 If a relationship makes you uneasy or uncomfortable then you shouldn't be in it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted August 12, 2014 Author Share Posted August 12, 2014 So just to get another opinion, about my own self. You guy do not think I am being crazy insecure and I have a valid issue to address and that this is NOT normal behavior from an exclusive couple. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 13, 2014 Share Posted August 13, 2014 uduh.................... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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