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Girl oversharing information on first date


DazedandConfused8

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DazedandConfused8

I was on a coffee date with a girl a while ago. She was great, we had a good conversation for almost two hours. Her body language was open and she was happy, I made her smile and laugh a lot. When it was cold (we talked past the coffee shop closing and sat outside) I offered her a blanket, but she said she was okay. (She later said it was because she wanted to appear tough.)

 

However, over the course of the date I also learned a lot of personal, intimate details: past (attempted) rapes, her parents splitting up, her family, her ex-fiance, how she's growing away from her friends, her numerous broken bones and accidents, etc.

 

On the one hand, it seems like she trusts me if she's sharing such personal details. On the other, these could be details she's trying to downplay as not being "important" if she tells them to everyone.

 

Long story short, it didn't scare me away. Just curious what your read is on it, positive or negative :)

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I, for one, feel it's a great sign of trust that she feels OK telling you this much about her painful past. Having said that, it can be unpleasant hearing anyone share this kind of information, and that's OK too. You squirming when she talks about being raped or severely injured just means you're human.

Good luck with date #2!

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My experience with a guy who overshares right away is that its a manipulation tactic on his part. The faux emotional intimacy is like a lure he uses, to disarm you into thinking he's this charming, caring guy who is sensitive and deep because he's been through a,b, and c, and learned oh-so-much about himself and the world; that he's just as vulnerable (if not moreso) than you and needs your sympathy and needs you to take care of his ego b/c he's so wounded.

 

Oversharers lack healthy boundaries too and are horrible listeners. They don't reciprocate because they feed off the attention that you give them. Oversharers are emotional vampires in that sense.

 

If you want to share something with an oversharer, good luck getting them to actively listen and hear what you're saying, and give you real emotional support. They can't do it. They don't want to do it. Why? Because it takes the attention away from them.

 

Relationships are about a balance of power. Oversharers manipulate the other person right off the bat, so they can have the upper hand and use guilt tripping and other manipulative tactics later on when the other person tries to get his/her emotional needs met from the oversharer.

 

Oversharers also tend to be extremely charming and have great social skills. They know how to get empathy from complete strangers without doing the work required to build real trust between two people.

 

Oversharers have narcissistic tendencies I think. They are very popular b/c they appeal to everyone's vulnerable side. People don't see them as superficial because they have disguised themselves to look like everyone else: someone who is empathetic with good boundaries.

 

Yeah, no. Oversharers know how to manipulate vulnerability to suit their own purpose: have your undying attention.

 

When a guy has overshared with me on a first date, it's like a form of unhealthy vulnerability, if that makes any sense? Couple of examples from my life come to mind; a guy I dated who was divorced complained about how he was the victim of his ex-wife being a bully to him on our first date.

 

Um, I really didn't need nor want to know that about him that soon. Another example of unhealthy vulnerability from a guy I met for a first date, was when he told me he was a recovering alcoholic (emphasis on alcoholic b/c he was belonged in treatment, not out in public dating women) and how far he'd come. Or another guy I met for a date told me about the sexual abuse in his family.

 

Healthy vulnerability between two people who are dating needs to unfold naturally as they get to know each other. I think it's a huge red flag if someone I meet for a date shares really intimate details of their life with me before I've had time to get to know him.

 

Even if the context is there in the conversation that makes it seem ok to overshare private information, I think it's a mistake. The only time I think oversharing is justifiable is when you're trying to set boundaries with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries to begin with.

 

Oversharing with someone you barely know is the act of false emotional intimacy. It's a manipulation tactic. Real emotional intimacy with another person takes time to develop. Trust takes time to develop and it has to be give and take from both people, not one sided like with someone who always overshares but never listens or reciprocates.

Edited by writergal
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Meh could be like me.. I hide nothing and I'm fairly open.. I really do not care what others think of me. Everything is on the table and if it gets brought up it gets brought up..

 

I hide nothing. It really just stems from the fact that I do not care what others think.

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It really just stems from the fact that I do not care what others think.

 

That's not always a good thing you know. It shows a lack of consideration for others.

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WrinkledForehead

I'd give her another date or two and reasses how I feel at that point. What oversharing could indicate, if it indicates anything, should make itself clear soon.

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What did you talk about?

Was she nervous? I'm guessing so, given she made comment over the rug.

Did you encourage this line of conversation?

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ExpatInItaly

What was the context of these topics? ie. how did the rape and ex-fiance come up?

 

I'm generally wary of people who over-share on the first meeting. She hasn't known you long enough to establish trust, in my opinion.

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...her parents splitting up, her family, her ex-fiance, how she's growing away from her friends...

 

Does she live alone, without family or close friends?

 

I'm asserting that she might not have people to talk to on a regular basis, about things that most matter to her and she's glad she's found someone to talk to about things she normally reminisces about when she's alone.

 

I'm also guilty of this (not to that extend though) so it might be as simple as that. And as you pointed out, it means that she trusts you and that she's not afraid to let her guard down around you.

 

Good luck!

Edited by DeluxeYou
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chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

I'm siding with writergal; sharing this much information is usually manipulative. Also, from what you said, it sounds extremely dramatic. Are you sure it's all true? Did any of it sound like it could be a lie or exaggeration?

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Apart from the sharing itself, you may also want to consider if you are ready to date a person who went through all that. She will most likely need more emotional support than the average person. You need to be quite strong yourself to be able to cope with that, it's not for everybody. I am not sure if I would be able to shoulder it.

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My experience with a guy who overshares right away is that its a manipulation tactic on his part. The faux emotional intimacy is like a lure he uses, to disarm you into thinking he's this charming, caring guy who is sensitive and deep because he's been through a,b, and c, and learned oh-so-much about himself and the world; that he's just as vulnerable (if not moreso) than you and needs your sympathy and needs you to take care of his ego b/c he's so wounded.

 

Oversharers lack healthy boundaries too and are horrible listeners. They don't reciprocate because they feed off the attention that you give them. Oversharers are emotional vampires in that sense.

 

If you want to share something with an oversharer, good luck getting them to actively listen and hear what you're saying, and give you real emotional support. They can't do it. They don't want to do it. Why? Because it takes the attention away from them.

 

Relationships are about a balance of power. Oversharers manipulate the other person right off the bat, so they can have the upper hand and use guilt tripping and other manipulative tactics later on when the other person tries to get his/her emotional needs met from the oversharer.

 

Oversharers also tend to be extremely charming and have great social skills. They know how to get empathy from complete strangers without doing the work required to build real trust between two people.

 

Oversharers have narcissistic tendencies I think. They are very popular b/c they appeal to everyone's vulnerable side. People don't see them as superficial because they have disguised themselves to look like everyone else: someone who is empathetic with good boundaries.

 

Yeah, no. Oversharers know how to manipulate vulnerability to suit their own purpose: have your undying attention.

 

When a guy has overshared with me on a first date, it's like a form of unhealthy vulnerability, if that makes any sense? Couple of examples from my life come to mind; a guy I dated who was divorced complained about how he was the victim of his ex-wife being a bully to him on our first date.

 

Um, I really didn't need nor want to know that about him that soon. Another example of unhealthy vulnerability from a guy I met for a first date, was when he told me he was a recovering alcoholic (emphasis on alcoholic b/c he was belonged in treatment, not out in public dating women) and how far he'd come. Or another guy I met for a date told me about the sexual abuse in his family.

 

Healthy vulnerability between two people who are dating needs to unfold naturally as they get to know each other. I think it's a huge red flag if someone I meet for a date shares really intimate details of their life with me before I've had time to get to know him.

 

Even if the context is there in the conversation that makes it seem ok to overshare private information, I think it's a mistake. The only time I think oversharing is justifiable is when you're trying to set boundaries with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries to begin with.

 

Oversharing with someone you barely know is the act of false emotional intimacy. It's a manipulation tactic. Real emotional intimacy with another person takes time to develop. Trust takes time to develop and it has to be give and take from both people, not one sided like with someone who always overshares but never listens or reciprocates.

 

 

I'm with Writergal on this!

 

I could relate to the description here in a whole host of ways about one particular relationship I had which started out with him over sharing information.

He said at the time that I made him feel comfortable enough to say all that he was saying but looking back he was the text book of Writergal's description.

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Some people have no boundaries. I certainly wouldn't share much personal info or anything confidential with a person like this because they give the impression that they can't keep a secret.

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They didn't give any secrets away, unless she was telling him secrets she was told to keep under her hat, the world is a vast place with many people and asking all of them to fit their conversation skills into a template such as that on the first date is asking a bit much, IMO.

The fist date is all about getting to know someone, and she was letting him know who she was.. it's up to him at this point to accept who she seemly is or not.

 

Of course.. that doesn't mean she doesn't have baggage, I think we all know that people have baggage, myself included and hopefully if she has baggage then it is stored in the overhead bins.

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DazedandConfused8
My experience with a guy who overshares right away is that its a manipulation tactic on his part. The faux emotional intimacy is like a lure he uses, to disarm you into thinking he's this charming, caring guy who is sensitive and deep because he's been through a,b, and c, and learned oh-so-much about himself and the world; that he's just as vulnerable (if not moreso) than you and needs your sympathy and needs you to take care of his ego b/c he's so wounded.

 

Is there a difference between men and women who overshare? Honest question.

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DazedandConfused8
What did you talk about?

 

Over the course of coffee? The usual: family, interests, school, jobs, future plans, travelling, etc.

 

Was she nervous? I'm guessing so, given she made comment over the rug.

 

She was definitely weary of the situation (being out late for coffee). I picked up on it because: a) she chose a seat inside facing the exit; b) she asked the staff where the exits were outside from the patio; c) when we went outside, she sat close to the exit and faced it; and d) she would keep looking around at noises (people walking by, a car passing by), although I noticed that she eventually stopped looking around and focused on the conversation (feeling safe?). She explained that she wouldn't have stayed after the coffee shop closed if she didn't feel safe; that I was giving her "good vibes" that made her feel okay with staying out late®.

 

I didn't let her know I was noticing this, but she opened up about it without me asking, maybe as a way of acknowledging her nervousness? Once she explained herself, I told her I picked up on what she was doing and she replied with a "oh, you picked up on that did you?"

 

Did you encourage this line of conversation?

 

One of the problems is that her ex-fiance and I work in the same line of work, for the same organization (although in different cities). So I can't talk about what I do for work without her obviously recalling memories of her ex. I didn't stop her stories, since they obviously mean a lot to her. This will be a balance.

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DazedandConfused8
What was the context of these topics? ie. how did the rape and ex-fiance come up?

 

Ex-fiance: he and I work in the same line of work for the same organization, but in different cities. She was open from the start (even before meeting in person) that she was formerly engaged, broke it off, tried to make it work, then broke it off for good. It tied into her story of how she moved away then back home to be with her family.

 

Rapes: because of her nervousness around men, with being out late, etc. I didn't ask anything remotely close to the topic. I believe she brought it up starting with "so you know how I said I'm really cautious about meeting new men..."

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DazedandConfused8
Does she live alone, without family or close friends?

 

I'm asserting that she might not have people to talk to on a regular basis, about things that most matter to her and she's glad she's found someone to talk to about things she normally reminisces about when she's alone.

 

I'm also guilty of this (not to that extend though) so it might be as simple as that. And as you pointed out, it means that she trusts you and that she's not afraid to let her guard down around you.

 

Good luck!

 

She moved away to be with her fiance, now she's back living with her family; seems to be on a "I can't believe I ever left them" kick.

 

From what she describes she has lots of friends and family to speak to, and if she's so open with me from the start then I would assume that she's the same with her friends and family. But maybe not?

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DazedandConfused8
It might be her way of weeding out the dates who she feels aren't the right fit in her life.

 

+1

 

I was wondering that too. Kind of like "well, this is me, this is my life. Don't like it? Tell me now before I get invested in you."

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Some people have no boundaries. I certainly wouldn't share much personal info or anything confidential with a person like this because they give the impression that they can't keep a secret.

 

And I don't think oversharers *can* keep a secret. That's been my experience with "oversharers" I've been involved with. They either blab to someone else about me, or blab to me about someone else very private, personal information that I shouldn't (and sometimes didn't need) to know. That's one of the ways I feel manipulated with these types of men. It's like telling me someone else's secret manipulates me into being loyal to the oversharer, "well you can't say that I told you or he/she'll get upset." Well then why did you tell me?!

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Is there a difference between men and women who overshare? Honest question.

 

Although men and women communicate differently in general, I think both genders who lack an internal verbal filter (i.e. self regulation), "overshare" for the same reasons: need for external validation (they have low self esteem so they don't internally validate themselves and need a steady supply of people to constantly validate them with empathy and sympathy), come across as unique or different, (either as a victim that they've chosen you to be the caretaker for, or another "character" they portray to the outside world) to have the upper hand in a relationship (i.e. control so they can manipulate the other person), to be the center of attention (oversharing is the result of a deep insecurity and need to be accepted).

 

So my answer is that no, I don't think there is a difference between men and women who overshare. I think someone who overshares has an agenda (like the examples I gave above).

 

I agree with Art Critic that we all have baggage. No one is without it. But imagine someone you just met hands you their baggage and demands that you except it at face value. What do you do with that information then? Right away the oversharer has forced you into a weaker position by telling you something really personal. It offsets the balance for any healthy, reciprocation b/c they've dropped a bomb on you and expect you to deal with the fallout by yourself. Too much too soon can skew how the relationship develops and effect the balance and ability to trust. If you have deep, dark secrets and want to share them, wait until the right time.

 

I think it's very selfish for someone to dump baggage on another person they barely know, the way the OP's date did. It creates confusion and uncertainty and doesn't exactly start things off on equal ground with that person. Where's the boundaries? If she had good boundaries OP, this woman would have waited to share what she did with you later on down the road. But on a first date? Too much too soon.

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I get this a lot. A life story in an hour. Maybe she feels very comfortable with you? Or maybe she is desperate for someone to listen to all her reasons for a rotten life so far?

 

 

I was on a coffee date with a girl a while ago. She was great, we had a good conversation for almost two hours. Her body language was open and she was happy, I made her smile and laugh a lot. When it was cold (we talked past the coffee shop closing and sat outside) I offered her a blanket, but she said she was okay. (She later said it was because she wanted to appear tough.)

 

However, over the course of the date I also learned a lot of personal, intimate details: past (attempted) rapes, her parents splitting up, her family, her ex-fiance, how she's growing away from her friends, her numerous broken bones and accidents, etc.

 

On the one hand, it seems like she trusts me if she's sharing such personal details. On the other, these could be details she's trying to downplay as not being "important" if she tells them to everyone.

 

Long story short, it didn't scare me away. Just curious what your read is on it, positive or negative :)

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Here is a question:

 

Say you meet someone for 1st date and they tell you they are a recovering addict. They say they want to tell you, bc they feel comfortable telling you, because they feel a connection with you, they want to be upfront and get it on the table. Because they think you need to know this, before moving forward...

 

Yes, that's telling a pretty personal thing about yourself, but isn't that being responsible and getting it right out there - so the other person can decide if they want to go for that 2nd date?

 

Or is that too personal of info to share so early?

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