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My reason for not wanting kids may be a turn off


Darren2013

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Perhaps there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids but my reasons for not wanting kids may turn most women off whether they want kids or not.

 

Let's say I luck out and find a woman who does not want kids. Chances are her reasons for not wanting them may be different than mine. I don't want kids because I am afraid of the responsibility. This fear of responsibility may concern her and even though she does not want kids she may wonder what other areas of life am I afraid of responsibility?? The fear itself may be a turn off and she may not consider me to be a suitable candidate for boyfriend.

 

So regardless of a woman's desires to have children wouldn't a man's fear of responsibility be a turn off? She is going to find it hard to believe that I'm not avoiding responsibilities in other areas of my life.

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chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

Big props for being honest, but you're absolutely right. If my date said "I'm afraid of the responsibility", I would definitely have second thoughts. Life brings lots of huge responsibilities whether or not you're having kids: ailing parents, unexpected illnesses, four-digit car repairs, mortgages, and so on. I'm not going to enter into a serious relationship into someone who's afraid of major responsibilities.

 

"I'm not ready for that responsibility" sounds much better, but you shouldn't say it if it isn't true. Are you sure it's really fear? If so, you may want to look into therapy.

 

The fact that you're honest about the issue---and you're very accurately aware of how people are going to perceive it---makes me think you're already making progress.

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ExpatInItaly

I am a woman in my early 30s, not sure if I want children either. But yes, that would turn me off. It would indeed make me question what other types of responsibilities you might avoid.

 

I have to disagree with another poster, in that you should not be telling women you're not ready for the responsibility. A woman could interpret that as meaning you do in fact want kids but just not at the moment. That would create a false hope from the get-go which isn't good.

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Life is full of responsibilities but some are greater and lesser than others. Having kids is one of the biggest responsibilities and can't really be compared to car repairs. No matter how expensive a car repair is most people don't take 20 years to pay it off. Children however are at the minimum of 20 year payments. As far as mortgages people don't have to buy a house. It depends on their lifestyle and how much space they want. One could be content living in an apartment and paying reasonable rent money especially if they luck out and know the landlord very well. And if you happen to live in a big city where everything you need is in walking distance then you don't really need a car anyway.

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Why else would a guy not want kids other than fearing responsibility for the little termites? It's the same reason why people don't get pets, they just can't see the value in taking care of it, in other words, they are a liability.

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Both of my parents are already deceased so I won't have to worry about taking care of them when they get ill. I live in a town where my workplace, doctor visit and grocery store are within a 40 minute walking distance. For that reason I do not have a car. Which is good as I get 40 minutes of exercise a day with walking.

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Why else would a guy not want kids other than fearing responsibility for the little termites? It's the same reason why people don't get pets, they just can't see the value in taking care of it, in other words, they are a liability.

 

Agreed. There really is no greater responsibility one could have in life than caring for the life of another who can't care for themselves. Perhaps it's not that you fear responsibility, but that you just choose not to subject your life to that kind of responsibility.

 

I have no doubts that I could take on that responsibility, but I just don't want to.

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I am a woman in my early 30s, not sure if I want children either. But yes, that would turn me off. It would indeed make me question what other types of responsibilities you might avoid.

 

I have to disagree with another poster, in that you should not be telling women you're not ready for the responsibility. A woman could interpret that as meaning you do in fact want kids but just not at the moment. That would create a false hope from the get-go which isn't good.

 

 

But let's say that tomorrow hypothetically you came to the conclusion that you do not want children and that was a settled decision then would you still be turned off if a guy said he did not want children because he was afraid of the responsibility?

 

Hearing it from a woman who is undecided about kids doesn't carry as much weight as a woman who is settled on not having kids.

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Well why don't you just say "you just don't want kids" and when they press, just say "because I don't. end of story"

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Agreed. There really is no greater responsibility one could have in life than caring for the life of another who can't care for themselves. Perhaps it's not that you fear responsibility, but that you just choose not to subject your life to that kind of responsibility.

 

I have no doubts that I could take on that responsibility, but I just don't want to.

 

 

Well it is the same thing with buying a house then. I know I am capable of managing a house but that doesn't mean I want the responsibility of owning a house. Wanting and capability are 2 different things. And there's a certain portion of responsibility that people choose to take on in life even though some responsibilities can be avoided. Everybody has different priorities and what they consider most important. Not everyone wants that American dream.

 

So perhaps it is not only important to find someone who shares the same vision about the kids subject but also who has similar priorities to our own.

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Well it is the same thing with buying a house then. I know I am capable of managing a house but that doesn't mean I want the responsibility of owning a house. Wanting and capability are 2 different things. And there's a certain portion of responsibility that people choose to take on in life even though some responsibilities can be avoided. Everybody has different priorities and what they consider most important. Not everyone wants that American dream.

 

So perhaps it is not only important to find someone who shares the same vision about the kids subject but also who has similar priorities to our own.

 

Then why divulge that you're "afraid of the responsibility"? Why not just say you don't want that particular American dream...?

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Perhaps there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids but my reasons for not wanting kids may turn most women off whether they want kids or not.

 

Let's say I luck out and find a woman who does not want kids. Chances are her reasons for not wanting them may be different than mine. I don't want kids because I am afraid of the responsibility. This fear of responsibility may concern her and even though she does not want kids she may wonder what other areas of life am I afraid of responsibility?? The fear itself may be a turn off and she may not consider me to be a suitable candidate for boyfriend.

 

So regardless of a woman's desires to have children wouldn't a man's fear of responsibility be a turn off? She is going to find it hard to believe that I'm not avoiding responsibilities in other areas of my life.

 

I don't have children and I as a woman now in my forties 'take responsibility' for my decision. :)

 

I still do, however have to 'take a lot of responsibility' for my life.

Adults have to and those with common sense and integrity do.

If your reason is not wanting the responsibility and if you generally avoid that (eg call all of your ex's psycho's) then you wouldn't be what most women want unless they also do the same and lack integrity.

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Rephrase it like this;

 

"i dont want kids because i enjoy having the freedom to go wherever life takes me"

 

You are not afraid of responsibility, and you are quite responsible for clearly knowing that. Sounds like you dont want to be tied down thats all.

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I think this is pretty much the reason MOST people who don't want kids don't want kids. Would it sound better if you said "I don't like the way they yell and scream and carry on all the time?"

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Darren, there are plenty of child-free social boards all over the internet where you will meet plenty of people who simply don't want kids, either because they don't like being around them, don't want to fritter their money away that way, or simply don't want the responsibility. Many have pets; some do not. Just google "childfree" and check them out.

 

I will tell you though that just because wanting kids or not is a huge issue that there really shouldn't be any compromsing on doesn't mean that you will automatically have anything in common with childfree people. I moderated a board for some years and while overall, the population are certainly less conventional than the general population, aside from that they seemed to have very little in common with one another, no more than the general population.

 

Still it's a way to zero in on some childfree women. They aren't dating sites. And what they say over there about dating sites is that even though they put in their profile that they don't want kids, this is pretty much ignored and most of their responses on OLD are from people who contacted them anyway who had kids or wanted kids. Crazy, huh?

 

I just left one because I realized I'd been there for years and liked only a couple of people there and that even with them, I'd not formed any personal bond. But not everyone is me. Younger people would do better in that regard.

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