Jump to content

Texting Relationship


GtothaC

Recommended Posts

Hi this is a weird situation for me and I would really appreciate some perspective.

 

So I was dumped by my LT BF in feb. In april my friends put me on Tinder to move on - I wasn't keen. But I met this guy who seemed sexy, smart, funny and hot. We started texting and agreed to meet up on the sunday. I made it clear that I only wanted something casual as I still wanted to get back with my ex he said he only wanted casual as well and things got cheeky. By the friday he got demanding and it got weird so we stopped.

 

Fast forward 6wks and I drunk text him, except he is in Europe for a month. So we start texting again and its really fun and it gets more explicit which is exciting.

Then he comes home and I freak out because I'm a "nice" girl who doesn't do things like this - he says he never has either!

I try to stop but can't so I suggest that as I know what he looks like (he doesn't know what I look like) we stop texting for a while and then I'll just go and chat him up at the bar he goes to and we can meet "normally" to see if we click without him thinking about my vajayjay.

But we can't stop texting!

 

There are some things that worry me… so obviously if it's a text relationship I am analysing everything to try and figure out the real man.

I am 30 and he is 43. 3yrs ago he dumped his partner of 10yrs. It's weird because he says that he was really unhappy but that she never knew and that they were trying to have a baby. He says that he knows he hurt her deeply but that he needed to do it.

He also says that she is telling people that he financially ruined her and that he was seeing someone else (he denys). I said it wasn't possible that she could be financially ruined as she would've got a good settlement after 10yrs (he is well off) and he said "she was way better off after we broke up than before, she had debts that I pay off."

He also told me he was celibate until this year and when he had a relationship with a 23yr old. He also only seems to socialise with people in their late 20's

I also *think* he might be seeing someone now? I have told him that I don't want to stop him from a real life relationship but that obviously this would have to stop. He says he is happy with how things are.

So please tell me what you think???

Link to post
Share on other sites
blue_jay_bird

I don't know it seems a little complicated for a casual relationship. It seems like a lot of s hit you will have to put up with for it to be casual.

 

Check how you feel, and how much you think you can put up with. Cause, personally if its casual, make it simple.

 

GL

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Sorry! I forgot to add that by the time we got to know each other when he was travelling my feelings changed and I started to see things in terms of a relationship rather than just a way to get over my ex. Which was why I freaked out - I don't want to start a relationship in this way. apologies for the confusion (but at least you know how confused I am in my head!)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Haha thats ok, i think there are a lot of red flags here though.. For casual it would be fine but is he relationship material? He got demanding early on, how so? The fact that he was unhappy with his wife of 10 yrs and seems to have blindsided her when he left.. You think he is seeing others and it happy how things are, it really doesn't sound like a relationship is going to happen.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly

What do you mean, he got demanding?

 

He says he's happy with the way things are. This tells me he's not interested in developing a relationship. He doesn't even know what you look like and (based on what you've posted) hasn't initiated a meet-up. I don't think much is going to come of this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the response Smiley :)

He has made it really clear that he wants to meet up - it's just that I don't want to meet up just as a shag or something casual - because I've developed feelings I don't want to be seen as a casual girl.

Also as I was dumped so brutally I am really cautious as he seems to have as you said blindsided his ex without regret.

Also I told him I was a little creeped out that he was shagging someone young enough to be his daughter - a friend suggested that he might be having a midlife crisis and I don't want any part of that.

He was honest and told me that another young (mid 20's) girl had hit on him and he was going on a date with her but she pulled out at the last minute and when he got back from Europe he said he went on a Tinder date but nothing happened (I know because he texted me when he got home)

re the young girls thing he said don't judge me till you've met me which is totally right but even I think I'm too young for him!

I don't know! there are red flags though

Thank you!

Link to post
Share on other sites
torturedartist
Hi this is a weird situation for me and I would really appreciate some perspective.

 

So I was dumped by my LT BF in feb. In april my friends put me on Tinder to move on - I wasn't keen. But I met this guy who seemed sexy, smart, funny and hot. We started texting and agreed to meet up on the sunday. I made it clear that I only wanted something casual as I still wanted to get back with my ex he said he only wanted casual as well and things got cheeky. By the friday he got demanding and it got weird so we stopped.

 

Fast forward 6wks and I drunk text him, except he is in Europe for a month. So we start texting again and its really fun and it gets more explicit which is exciting.

Then he comes home and I freak out because I'm a "nice" girl who doesn't do things like this - he says he never has either!

I try to stop but can't so I suggest that as I know what he looks like (he doesn't know what I look like) we stop texting for a while and then I'll just go and chat him up at the bar he goes to and we can meet "normally" to see if we click without him thinking about my vajayjay.

But we can't stop texting!

 

There are some things that worry me… so obviously if it's a text relationship I am analysing everything to try and figure out the real man.

I am 30 and he is 43. 3yrs ago he dumped his partner of 10yrs. It's weird because he says that he was really unhappy but that she never knew and that they were trying to have a baby. He says that he knows he hurt her deeply but that he needed to do it.

He also says that she is telling people that he financially ruined her and that he was seeing someone else (he denys). I said it wasn't possible that she could be financially ruined as she would've got a good settlement after 10yrs (he is well off) and he said "she was way better off after we broke up than before, she had debts that I pay off."

He also told me he was celibate until this year and when he had a relationship with a 23yr old. He also only seems to socialise with people in their late 20's

I also *think* he might be seeing someone now? I have told him that I don't want to stop him from a real life relationship but that obviously this would have to stop. He says he is happy with how things are.

So please tell me what you think???

 

The first red flag I see with this guy is the fact that he's okay having some kind of "texting relationship" with you, and never actually meeting you.

 

Also, I'd be leery of someone who got demanding or created/participated in any kind of serious drama with you via text messaging. I'd predict they'd be 10 times more dramatic in REAL LIFE.

 

I guess maybe there's some thrill in sending and receiving text messages from someone you really don't know. But I'd be thinking that at some point you're going to have to meet this person if there's any hope of having a long term, or even short term relationship with them.

 

I think "relationship" is the key word, and I'd be on the side of those who'd argue that you're not really having a relationship with him. I'd say you're having some kind of e-drama.

 

I guess that's okay, if you're planning on having e-dinner with him, followed by some passionate e-sex, then e-meeting his parents, then getting e-married to him, having e-kids, and finishing it all of with an e-divorce.

 

But if you'd prefer something a little less "digital", you're going to have to meet him, and I suspect your questions would be answered, hopefully not after he chloroforms you and drags you off to an abandoned warehouse.

 

I hope that helps.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi

thanks for your replies. As you say torturedartist I won't know until I meet him but there is definitely the possibility that he is dodgy - but he does seem nice :) I guess the next question is do I continue with my plan to meet him anonymously or just say lets meet for a drink?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Meet him anonymously???? What does that mean? Meet for a coffee during the day in a crowded place!! (If at all!!!)

Link to post
Share on other sites

what in the world is your goal?! You want to date him? You just want sex? What is it..

 

You can't have some gray zoned relationship with this man. If you want it to be casual it has to be just that casual. No deep conversations, none of that..

 

If you just want to have a FWB it has to be just sex. Get in get off get out. When you start mixing other things you'll start to have emotions pop up. If as you suggest your goal is sex that's all it needs to be. You're not his girl friend, your not his friend, your not his therapist...

 

Friends do not have sex. Friends don't get sexual with each other. I have female friends any talk of sex grosses them out. Like wise when they talk about it it makes me uncomfortable.

 

You're a fool if you think you can maintain a friendship and mix in sex.. You'll eventually start dating someone and have to toss this guy under the buss. If you don't your SO will figure it out or you'll fool around with him.. That will cause serious problems.

 

I have a 12 year friendship with a woman. We've fooled around as FWB on and off for years. We can never just be friends.. But I know at some point this friendship will have to end. Just to much conflict potential.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
Hi

thanks for your replies. As you say torturedartist I won't know until I meet him but there is definitely the possibility that he is dodgy - but he does seem nice :) I guess the next question is do I continue with my plan to meet him anonymously or just say lets meet for a drink?

 

What does this mean?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hello and again sorry for not being clear :)

by anonymous I mean't stick to the original plan which was I would go to the pub he goes to and start chatting to him so he doesn't know it's me (he has only seen a photo of my face from the tinder profile which was months ago so he doesn't know what I look like)

that way I will feel safe that if I don't like him in person there is no connection my texts so he can't do anything crazy with my pictures.

Alternatively I can just say "lets meet for a drink" and trust he's a good guy. Apart from the concerns I have detailed (ex & young women) he does seem like a good guy? but I thought my last bf was a good guy so I'm not the best judge!

Also just to be clear I am not interested in casual now - I have developed feelings for him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
Hello and again sorry for not being clear :)

by anonymous I mean't stick to the original plan which was I would go to the pub he goes to and start chatting to him so he doesn't know it's me (he has only seen a photo of my face from the tinder profile which was months ago so he doesn't know what I look like)

that way I will feel safe that if I don't like him in person there is no connection my texts so he can't do anything crazy with my pictures.

Alternatively I can just say "lets meet for a drink" and trust he's a good guy. Apart from the concerns I have detailed (ex & young women) he does seem like a good guy? but I thought my last bf was a good guy so I'm not the best judge!

Also just to be clear I am not interested in casual now - I have developed feelings for him.

 

Don't do that. Be a big girl and agree to meet him if you wish. But don't go sleuthing around. If I were chatting with someone and found out they'd done as you planned, I'd think they were far from ready for a relationship...not to mention strange.

 

I don't think you're quite ready for this, to be honest.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...