True Gent Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Hi guys, Just wanted to put this out there, I guess it's a pointless post. Tonight I've had my first ever bad 1st date. I'm just a bit shocked by it... The thing I don't get is we were chatting well enough and when I had to nip to the bathroom upon my return she said she better get going. We'd only had one drink and spent an hour talking. I walked her to her car give her a peck on the cheek and it seems pretty obvious that's that with this one. I've never ever had such a short date. If anything my first dates are usually too good and last for hours. I just wasn't expecting to return from the bathroom and have her immediately say she was leaving. I was well presented and polite, ok fair enough if she doesn't feel anything I don't think there was any electricity there... but one hour?! You can't really gauge someone in an hour and decide you want to leave can you? I don't get it I didn't do anything wrong. I guess I should just put it down to experience and not contact her again. Just feels weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Author True Gent Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Maybe I should mention that it's only 6 weeks since she moved back in with her parents after a 7 year relationship. A running thing with women from OLD seems to be ex hang ups. 6 weeks is really too soon. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Until she cut the evening short in your eyes did you otherwise like her? Would you have asked her out again? She may have had an early morning. She may have been trying to appear mysterious & not overstay her welcome. She may have been trying to limit herself to one drink. there are a number of reasons why she had to go that have nothing to do with her having a bad time So if you otherwise liked her, I don't see the harm in requesting a 2nd date. Link to post Share on other sites
Author True Gent Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Until she cut the evening short in your eyes did you otherwise like her? Would you have asked her out again? She may have had an early morning. She may have been trying to appear mysterious & not overstay her welcome. She may have been trying to limit herself to one drink. there are a number of reasons why she had to go that have nothing to do with her having a bad time So if you otherwise liked her, I don't see the harm in requesting a 2nd date. Yes I would of happily seen her again. I had so many things I wanted to talk to her about, I feel a bit short changed. She did say one drink is enough for her and she had been saying she's trying to cut down on socialising expenses to save for her own flat, but I dunno... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 You & I cross posted. I didn't have the info about her just ending a 7 year relationship 6 weeks before your date. She was trying to put herself back out there. During the date, she realized you weren't her EX & that was enough to send her running home. She's just not ready. Sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author True Gent Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 You & I cross posted. I didn't have the info about her just ending a 7 year relationship 6 weeks before your date. She was trying to put herself back out there. During the date, she realized you weren't her EX & that was enough to send her running home. She's just not ready. Sorry. Yeah that's what I'm thinking. It just seems every woman I meet seems to have a similar problem and it's getting a bit tedious. I'm ready to properly date someone new and none of the women I've met so far seem to be in as good an emotional place as me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Hang in there. A good man is hard to find. Some woman will snatch you up but it might be kind of annoying until she finds you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Just stay clear. I just got out of a toxic relationship with a woman who had been married for 10 years. She has been single about a year. It became very clear to me she does not like being lonely and longs for a relationship. But she has no understanding of relationships and is not ready to hang up the single life entirely. A relationship of 7 years is going to take time for her to digest and move on from. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author True Gent Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Hang in there. A good man is hard to find. Some woman will snatch you up but it might be kind of annoying until she finds you. Thank you. It is quite good that these women have pursued me and I do find them attractive. I guess that's an ego boost. I do get great feedback on my initial emails with these woman and they always seem keen to meet me and I've had some great 1st and 2nd dates. It just does get tiring to find so many are just trying to fill a void. I'm really doing the being alone thing really well at the moment. I enjoy doing my own thing and I keep myself really busy and entertained. I would like to meet an equally independent female who isn't just wasting my time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author True Gent Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Just stay clear. I just got out of a toxic relationship with a woman who had been married for 10 years. She has been single about a year. It became very clear to me she does not like being lonely and longs for a relationship. But she has no understanding of relationships and is not ready to hang up the single life entirely. A relationship of 7 years is going to take time for her to digest and move on from. Yeah it's a major red flag. Good thing is I'm not getting too excited too soon with the dates. Just never had such an abrupt ending before! Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Yeah it's a major red flag. Good thing is I'm not getting too excited too soon with the dates. Just never had such an abrupt ending before! This is really just playing on your ego more than anything, because yes...you can decide whether you like someone or not within an hour, that's plenty of time to feel out chemistry...chemistry can take seconds or minutes alone, it can be an instant look. Just shrug it off and keep moving forward, don't chase after her...I don't understand why you even went in for a kiss or peck on the cheek if you weren't even feeling any vibes, is that just something you try and do to establish some quick chemistry? I get that, but this girl was up an out after one drink and an hour, and didn't seem keen or necessarily interested in seeing you again if it was like "ok well, thanks...gotta go!", you gotta have more sense and awareness than that, just be respectful and bow out...not the end of the world, don't let it become a crisis for your ego. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TXGuy Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 A few thoughts: An hour is plenty of time to decide that things are not going to work out. She might have realized this and chose not to waste anymore of her or your time. Or...when she said she was trying to minimize socializing costs, that was your cue to say that everything was going to be on you (as a 'true gent' would do). If you failed to say that, she might be one of the many women that expect men to pay for dates. That could explain why she left abruptly. Or...while you were in the loo, she checked her texts and saw a better opportunity with someone else that night and decided to see the other guy instead. Or...as you suggest, she might just be too emotionally damaged to recognize that you would be perfect for her. It's impossible to know which one it was. It doesn't matter. At least you only lost an hour plus commute time on her. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 You need to set some standards for yourself. If you keep running into this, one of your early questions should be something like 'when was your last relationship'. If a woman tells you she just got out of a 7 year relationship you should run for the hills! If she says "ages ago" and seems ready to date, that's the one you take out. You're setting yourself up for this. Other than that it sounds like your date was on a Monday or Tuesday night? Most people have to get up early for work so I wouldn't expect a long date. Also the first meet should only be about an hour long. You may still hear from her. Still unfortunately tons of women use OLDing just to boost their ego when they know they are no where near ready to date. Which is why I always suggest dating IRL. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I agree with HappyLove - if you are running into this you need to screen better. This is definitely a place I used probe early on. <---- look at me, I've been out of the dating mix for a whole 4 days and I talk about it like it is ancient history. Ok back to your post - as for this woman, you want an LTR so whatever reason she had for bolting doesn't matter. She's not keeper material. Link to post Share on other sites
Author True Gent Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 This is really just playing on your ego more than anything, because yes...you can decide whether you like someone or not within an hour, that's plenty of time to feel out chemistry...chemistry can take seconds or minutes alone, it can be an instant look. Just shrug it off and keep moving forward, don't chase after her...I don't understand why you even went in for a kiss or peck on the cheek if you weren't even feeling any vibes, is that just something you try and do to establish some quick chemistry? I get that, but this girl was up an out after one drink and an hour, and didn't seem keen or necessarily interested in seeing you again if it was like "ok well, thanks...gotta go!", you gotta have more sense and awareness than that, just be respectful and bow out...not the end of the world, don't let it become a crisis for your ego. The peck on the cheeck was just politeness and to give her the indication I could be potentially interested. She actually went in for a peck at the beginning of the date. I know you can decide within an hour if there is any chemistry at all, but I think I was getting mixed signals from her. She certainly didn't seem disappointed or uninterested. That's why I was surprised at her deciding to leave when she did after just an hour. A few thoughts: An hour is plenty of time to decide that things are not going to work out. She might have realized this and chose not to waste anymore of her or your time. Or...when she said she was trying to minimize socializing costs, that was your cue to say that everything was going to be on you (as a 'true gent' would do). If you failed to say that, she might be one of the many women that expect men to pay for dates. That could explain why she left abruptly. Or...while you were in the loo, she checked her texts and saw a better opportunity with someone else that night and decided to see the other guy instead. Or...as you suggest, she might just be too emotionally damaged to recognize that you would be perfect for her. It's impossible to know which one it was. It doesn't matter. At least you only lost an hour plus commute time on her. With regards to the costs, she didn't really give me a chance to offer. I was going to buy the next drink, but she already decided she was leaving. I know nothings lost. Just found her abrupt excuse to leave a bit out of touch with how it seemed to be going. You need to set some standards for yourself. If you keep running into this, one of your early questions should be something like 'when was your last relationship'. If a woman tells you she just got out of a 7 year relationship you should run for the hills! If she says "ages ago" and seems ready to date, that's the one you take out. You're setting yourself up for this. Other than that it sounds like your date was on a Monday or Tuesday night? Most people have to get up early for work so I wouldn't expect a long date. Also the first meet should only be about an hour long. You may still hear from her. Still unfortunately tons of women use OLDing just to boost their ego when they know they are no where near ready to date. Which is why I always suggest dating IRL. Maybe I do set myself up for this... I'd of been on much fewer dates by now if I established this much earlier on. It's a Wednesday night and I start at 6am the next day. We met at 7pm, the biggest issue is just how it ended. It just seemed so out of tune with the conversation flow. I obviously miss a few tricks, I'm still learning the ropes myself. Thanks for the replies people Link to post Share on other sites
rewl Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 We'd only had one drink and spent an hour talking. :eek: Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Yeah it's a major red flag. Good thing is I'm not getting too excited too soon with the dates. Just never had such an abrupt ending before! I have and the simple truth is you'll likely never know why. Unless she decides to tell you which is unlikely and rare. I would imagine it is possible to go from 10 years of marriage or a 7 year relationship straight into another relationship. But they have to be done with both being single and their ex. You would also have be 100% perfect match.. if that had been the case she would not have left last night. She's likely not done with her ex yet. Be thankful she was mature enough to just walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Most women judge whether or not they would date you in about 1 minute. I agree with you on the nature of most of the women who use online dating, that's part of the reason I stay away from it. I disagree on the part about online dating, but as a woman I can say that I know if I'll never find you attractive in about thirty seconds. Generally speaking, I subconsciously sort men into three categories: "hell yes I'd tap that", "nope", and "no judgment". The last box is for guys that are pretty average-looking, or men who I wouldn't ever date so it doesn't cross my mind (coworkers, friend's boyfriends/husbands, etc). It's just a matter of basic chemistry, and it's instantaneous. I don't need a long time to know if it's there or not. Having said that, it's a first impression and there's some room for movement. I've known guys in the third category that I eventually came to find attractive because as I got to know them I found their personality, behavior etc. made them desirable. There are also super-hot dudes who say something racist or idiotic and I'll write them off immediately. But I've never put a guy in the "nope" category and reconsidered it later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Having done a TON of internet dating. I can tell you it is some what complicated. That said you really have to cast a wide net with internet dating. But you don't want to come off as generic. You need to look interested in a relationship but not desperate. You have to be very careful what you say and what you post. No selfies, No pictures with a hat on side ways and so on. You also have to be patient. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts