He came and visited me..but now says he doesn't care?

[LifeandPerseverance]

I've posted about this guy before, but I guess this is the last post. To summarize: We met in person in the beginning, we've texted/snapchatted/fb messaged for the last 4 months, had phone calls, etc. He's been 1800 miles away. I'm moving pretty close for law school (and I'm actually moving at the end of this week).

 

Last week I was back there, looking for a place to live. And I told him I was there (a few hours drive from him). And then..Last Tuesday, he miraculously had temporary duty all of a sudden (he's a pilot), south of me, and he drove down and saw me. We spent the afternoon together. Had lunch. He kissed me. We kissed a lot. We got along GREAT. He was just as funny, and smart, and wonderful as the guy I'd thought I'd been talking to for the last 4 months. And after he dropped me back off, he texted me a couple hours later. And we talked Wednesday, Thursday. And then he texted me on Saturday--and we talked until midnight.

 

Then there's today. I texted him to say hello. And he seems cold as ice. We talk a little..And long story short..I kinda asked if he cared, feels anything, and he finally texts me, "I hoped that seeing you would trigger something in my lizard brain and I would be head over heels for you but it didn't. It's not that I don't want to like you it just seems like I'm emotionally incapable of such feelings at this point."

 

I read it and I feel like something inside me died. Why did he tell me for the last 4 months he liked me, if that's it, right there. He's told me before he hasn't felt anything for a woman since 2009--when his last girlfriend broke up with him. He says something changed then, and he hasn't felt anything for ANYONE since. And now..he writes me that.

I can't deal with this right now. I'm packing, I'm finishing homework for my very last EVER undergraduate class, I'm about to start the rest of my life. And I'm hurt. I haven't cared about someone this much in years. I cared about him--why didn't that matter to him? Why would he even write me that? What the hell was I suppose to trigger when he saw me? It just doesn't make sense.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ouch. I know it's cliche, but be thankful at least that you discovered this now rather than a year from now. For whatever reason, this guy doesn't want to take it further. He's the one with issues here, that very likely are unrelated to you personally. It's very hurtful and you have every right to be upset about it. I think something has probably transpired in his personal life and he doesn't want to drag you into it. In any event, he's not relationship material.

[Mrin]

Ouch. Weird. Part of me says, good thing you dodged that bullet. But part of me says this is some defensive mechanism at work here. I've done this before - some sort of self preservation pull away thingy. Hopefully the latter but probably the former. You've put a lot of time and effort into this dude so I hate to see you toss in the towel. If I might suggest, he should read my most recent story here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/487529-chemistry-lesson-learned

 

THANK GOD I didn't jump to conclusions!

 

Best of luck!

[LifeandPerseverance]

I really want to know the hell happened. If he didn't "feel" whatever it was he thought he was going to feel when he came and saw me, why did he text me afterwards? Why was everything fine? It's just so weird. He can be moody--and it feels like one of his "moods" is going on now, too. Example: he is mr. super social...yet right now, he hasn't even snapchatted anyone a week. That's unheard of.

 

 

I don't think he's met someone online between Saturday night and Tuesday. So I don't think that's it. I almost feel like he tries to sabotage people who get close to him--Like if he ruins it, and pushes me away, he will have succeeded.

 

 

And suddenly I'm like..Why have I spent FOUR MONTHS communicating with you? He told me yesterday, "I don't understand why you care about me. You've really only hung out with me once." UM HELLO? We've been talking for months? What was the point then?

On the other side, it's a really violating feeling--"I hoped that seeing you would trigger something"..What, did I open the door and he didn't like what he saw (which doesn't seem true, because he told me Saturday night that I look even better than I do in pictures), or I wasn't as funny as I am in our billions of text messages and hours of phone calls? It makes me really self conscious. Yet again, the gross-creeped out-why-did-I-allow-myself-to-be-vulnerable and just be ME, feeling.

Edited July 30, 2014 by LifeandPerseverance

[Mrin]

Ah man this is tough. I don't know what to say except probably pull back and see if that jogs something loose in him. Four months is a long time and it sounds like you became heavily invested emotionally. So tough.

 

Something to think about: go NC on him right now. I would do it for two reasons - the first is to try to mitigate the blow to your heart. NC, as drastic as it is, is the best way to do this. The other alternatives are worse: chasing after him which will only make you feel worse or continuing on in this virtual friendship which just prolongs the agony. So I would do it as a defensive measure. No goodbye email. No final call or text. Just BOOM disappear on him.

 

The other reason I would do it is that it is really the only leverage you have. You guys have chatted for four months. You've build a rapport. Depriving him of that may jiggle something loose in him or at least make him realize what he appreciated about you. Like all NC moves - don't do it for this reason. Assume it is dead and start healing your heart.

 

Hang in there!

[crazybestie101]

Girl,

 

it sucks, i know. But it happens. Guys do loose interest. Of course on phone /social media everything goes well so you go head over heels for person. But 2 people and their interaction are different on phone and in person. Its good that it ended early and you should be thankful of him that he didnt drag you along for long time. See , i have been through same situation. For me everything was great , we were head over heels until we met. I still liked him but he wasnt actually thinking same. I was heart broken.. its worst feeling. I did everything that a girl does: pleading , begging and what not. Nothing came out it. I havent even heard from him from year. So let it go. There is no point of dragging this. Once other person makes up their mind there is nothing we can do to change it, unless they want to come back to their own senses.

[LifeandPerseverance]

NC on him right now.

 

Hang in there!

Thanks. I've gone no contact. I never texted him back after he sent me that blow to the heart text. Frankly, if I mean nothing to him and he doesn't care about me, it shouldn't be a big deal, right?

 

 

Part of this bothers me, because stopped talking once before--and he was the one who started all this again. He was the one who told me that quote: "He wants to be with someone who intrigues him and makes him want to be a better person." and even the other day, he still said I make him want to "Change and be better." He's never been good about talking about feelings, and I've tried to respect that, until Tuesday.

 

 

Something I told him on Tuesday: "You're something special." His response: "I'm something."

Guys..How do you throw away your biggest cheerleader, and the girl who has genuinely been proud of you and encouraged you the most? I guess I'm glad I didn't make him cookies to take with him last Tuesday when he was visiting--that probably would have been "too much for him", too.

Edited July 31, 2014 by LifeandPerseverance

[writergal]

OP, long distant relationships are hard and not everyone who goes into them is cut out for the long haul. For whatever reason, this guy changed his mind and rejected you which hurts.

 

Since you're moving close to where he lives for law school, maybe you can contact him again in a couple of months after you've settled in, to find out what happened. But why would you want to? Isn't it enough to know that for whatever reason, he just wasn't that into you? He did you a favor rejecting you now, rather than string you along any further, especially since you're moving so close to his city.

 

The only thing is, other people can't give you closure when a relationship ends. The resolution has to come from yourself. Easier said than done, I know. So if you only want to contact him to find out why he rejected you it will be a wasted effort, because he changed his mind about you and didn't want to continue seeing you. Will it make you feel better to hear from him why he doesn't like you? I don't think it will. It will only make you feel worse.

 

And since you'll be in law school, surrounded by many other single guys who you'll have something in common, why not focus your dating pool to your classmates? Who knows? You may meet your next boyfriend in a study group, or through a fellow law school student, or while you're doing an internship or work-study or part-time job at a law firm.

 

Forget this Top Gun loser Maverick. Let him fly, fly away in his little jet plane. Pilots are playboys anyway. Keep your feet on the ground, and focus on law school, making friends, and dating guys from your law school. The benefit to that is obvious; you won't have farther to go than his dorm room on campus or his off campus apartment to see or talk to him.

[LifeandPerseverance]

Just thought I'd post a conclusion of how this story ended, in case anyone was interested.

 

He and I stopped talking a month ago today. I went no contact--Haven't texted him, called, or sent him a single snapchat since. In addition to that, ive also not posted a fb status (and this is really hard to do when you're moving cross country and want to announce the biggest change in your life), or snapchat story--so there's been nothing for him to see. Period.

 

...And the result? He hasn't made an attempt to contact me. Not even once.

Absolutely nothing.

 

I thought, somehow, deep down, maybe me leaving his life would make him recognize the spot where I'd been--the placeholder and constant I had been in his life for 4 months. I guess instead, it did nothing. He didnt even miss me.

 

And that's okay--I'm not going to contact him. I started law school last week (and hate every minute of it--but that's a different story), so I'm busy enough to not be worried about it or care about this.

 

The one thing I have noticed--he became friends with a girl on Facebook the week I was moving, and she's now his best friend on snapchat, and I looked at his Facebook tonight for the first time in weeks--apparently, also as of today, she posts stuff on his timeline. So he didnt even miss a beat--he picked up and carried on like I never even was there. Good to know.

[FitChick]

Sounds like he prefers virtual women to real women. You don't need someone neurotic like that.

[travelbug1996]

delete him from all social media

[HappyLove]

He's emotionally unavailable. You've wasted enough time on him. Time to move on and find a man worth your time!

[LifeandPerseverance]

Hey guys. Just thought I'd post the final update to how this story ended.

 

 

As of Monday it's been 2 months since he and I talked. I always wondered why he never reached out. Not once. This morning, when I logged into facebook, I had my answer: BAM. Right there at the top of my news feed. He's in a relationship as of today with..the girl he became friends with immeadiately after we stopped talking.

The guy who self admittedly hadn't a relationship in 5 YEARS, let alone made something facebook official. The guy who couldn't quote "feel anything for anyone anymore".

 

 

She's a 21 year old college senior..He's a soon to be 27 year old pilot. I don't see it. I don't mean to sound mean, because I know I'm not the prettiest girl in the world by any means, but I'm not by any means ugly. This girl...

 

 

And I'm a 23 year old law student sitting here 250 miles south of them, getting ready to cry. And I don't know why. I told myself I would get busy enough not to care. But there's a quote that stands out to me: "It's about who you miss at 2 in the afternoon when you're busy, not 2 in the morning when you're lonely." Unfortunately that quote is true.

 

 

I hate law school (there's a lot more to it than that), I'm alone, I hate the people I go to school with, and this is not what I needed to see this morning as I'm finishing a very important memorandum that's due in a few hours.

 

 

Now I know why he never even attempted to reach out to me, not once, and say anything.

[Diezel]

First course of action: DELETE HIM OFF OF FACEBOOK.

[Mrin]

First course of action: DELETE HIM OFF OF FACEBOOK.

 

This. Remove any possible connection to the guy. You're a 1L - your brain is getting shoved into a blender right now and the purée button is about to be hit with you first set of exams. You don't need any added stress. Cut him completely out of your life. I had to do this a while back and literally the day after I sent the goodbye email to the woman I had to cut out of my life, the love of my life winked at me on Match. You do not need this negative energy and so certainly don't need an LDR in law school.

 

Focus on law school. Get a good study group for exam prep. Pull old exams for your professors - they should be file at the library. If you don't have one already get a sustainable exercise routine. And good luck!