He doesn't know what he wants...

[WorryGirl]

...and he's trying to figure out if he's just insecure or if his thoughts hold some truth.

 

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for just over a year. We have had a magical relationship, though just lately things have changed. I put it down to him getting a new job, nothing more. However, a week ago he met me after work and told me he's having doubts about us. He says he loves me but he isn't happy about having to wait, and he doesn't trust me.

 

I made a career change a few years ago (long before I met him) and have made a big financial sacrifice as I have been unable to earn a wage because I spend so long studying and working full time with no pay because I need to so that I can qualify. I was supposed to qualify about now, but a few problems have kept me back. I broke my back over a year ago but didn't have the opportunity to make up the hours I lost in sick time, and I had a period where I was withdrawn from university which was a massive mistake on their part. Two appeals later, I am now able to continue. It now means that I won't be qualified and able to get a proper full time job until April next year.

 

My boyfriend says he doesn't believe I will finish. In his last relationship, he was waiting for his girlfriend to move to London from Africa for him, and she kept putting him off. Eventually he realised she was just making excuses and would never come, and they finished he. He believes that I am doing the same thing, and that I will not succeed and not finish my degree and qualification. I work so hard because it is what I want more than anything, but it is not good enough for him. I started this degree long before I even met him, so he is not even a factor in my wanting to succeed. However he picks up on things like how I submitted an essay last week 30 minutes before the deadline and says my attitude towards this is at fault. I just don't know how to make him see that I am doing this for me, and I will pass and succeed in life whether he is my boyfriend or not.

 

He is also offended by how I treat his friends and family. I am very fond of his friends but I am a shy and quiet girl when you first get to know me. He finds this an issue. A few months ago we were staying in a large cottage with his friends, and I admitted that I was a little uncomfortable about spending a weekend in a house with a group of people I didn't know. He was so upset and wouldn't listen when I said I was still looking forward to going, but I just felt nervous. At one point he came into our room and I was there sitting on the edge of the bed checking my phone that was on charge. He was so annoyed, thinking I'd disappeared to get away from everyone when I had only nipped to the loo and other look at my phone for a few minutes. He was also annoyed that I was a little bit quiet that weekend and doesn't accept that I was happy.

 

I finally met his family a few weeks ago and initially it started off terribly. I was meant to meet him at 2 to go to his house, but I was running about 10-20 minutes late. He is at least an hour late every time he comes to my house! He just lost it. He was so angry and I spent the journey to his house in tears, feeling like I didn't want to go. When I met him, he apologisedid and told me he loved me. Then he took me home to his parents house, and we had a wonderful day. I liked them so much and felt so comfortable that I never felt shy. However, my boyfriend has just recently told me that he was angry that I couldn't remember if my brother had just turned 44 or 45 when his dad asked me.

 

My boyfriend also hates that I have very little money. I have just got myself a part time job working completely flexible hours, but it is taking me ages to run through all the checks (occupational health, DB'S etc) and I am waiting to do the compulsory training before I can work my first shifts. He doesn't believe that it could take so long and he doesn't believe that I am doing anything about it. My family have helped me out financially and I get a very small amount of money each month for doing the degree and training that I am. The other day when I told my boyfriend I can afford a day or two out, he got annoyed and said it isn't even my money, it's from the bank or whatever and I didn't earn it. He did shut his mouth when I pointed out that he is terrible with money, as he earns a good wage and spends more than this on his credit card and has no savings what so ever.

 

He confessed that his mum asked him why he wants to be with a girl who can't stand on her own two feet at the age that I am and it got a cog turning in his head. My boyfriend is the same age as me and lives at home and spends all his money. The only reason he is looking to move out of his parental home this year is because his parents are giving him a deposit for a mortgage.

 

I am completely broken. My boyfriend is a wonderful person with many positive personality traits and I want to spend my life with him. But he does not believe or trust me. He thinks I am a big waste of space. I have told him I will try to talk things through with him in future so that he can get some reassurance, but he says he doesn't believe me.

 

We are now on a break but still communicating. I worry that he cannot see how insecure and judgemental he is. Do I just need to leave him to figure this out alone, or is there something I should be doing to help him see? Goodness, it hurts so bad! The worst part is that he knows he's putting me through hell, he said so himself.

[WorryGirl]

Wow, sorry that was so long.

 

I should also point out that I have depression and anxiety. It stems from exam pressure and from being wrongly thrown out of university, although I have now passed all my exams and sorted everything out with university.

 

I have also taken steps to get better. I did a course of CBT and I regularly practice the techniques I learnt. I have improved my diet, taken up exercise and cut down on alcohol and caffeine. All because I want a better life for me now, and for the future.

 

I know my boyfriend wants to settle down and get married and build a home with children. I do too, and I want to do so with him. He just has issues about waiting until the end of April before we can actually start planning our future.

[PegNosePete]

I am completely broken. My boyfriend is a wonderful person with many positive personality traits and I want to spend my life with him. But he does not believe or trust me. He thinks I am a big waste of space.

Can you see the contradiction in what you wrote?

You want to spend your life with someone who thinks you are a waste of space??? Seriously?!

 

We are now on a break

What were the circumstances of the break? Who asked for it, and why?

 

The worst part is that he knows he's putting me through hell, he said so himself.

As above... you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who deliberately and pre-meditatively puts you through hell?

 

Get some self-respect girl. Ditch this guy. You deserve a lot better than this.

[deathandtaxes]

 

He thinks I am a big waste of space.

 

 

 

 

OP - why are you in a relationship with a person who thinks the above?

[WorryGirl]

Can you see the contradiction in what you wrote?

You want to spend your life with someone who thinks you are a waste of space??? Seriously?!

 

 

What were the circumstances of the break? Who asked for it, and why?

 

 

As above... you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who deliberately and pre-meditatively puts you through hell?

 

Get some self-respect girl. Ditch this guy. You deserve a lot better than this.

 

Thanks man. Yes, I see the contradiction. Well I do now you pointed it out. I guess I'm just struggling to weigh up the pros and cons and I'm searching too deep for the pros!

 

Initially we didn't talk about a break. He said "I don't want to go on a break or break up..." but after a couple of days I said "this feels like a break. We're not together as we normally are, not as close". I did say we should give it a time limit and reassess the situation, to which he agreed, but then neither of us actually suggested a time. He is going on a family holiday on Friday for a week. I'm thinking it would be a good idea to let this all stew in his head and then talk once he's back.

 

I know he's insecure. Even he does. He says "I don't know if this is just my insecurities or if they're real reasons...". Such a pillock.

[WorryGirl]

OP - why are you in a relationship with a person who thinks the above?

 

I guess things were wonderful in the beginning and now they're not. I don't know if he really thinks I'm a waste of space, but it sure feels like it.

 

I asked a friend what he thought and he said I have chosen the most credible career to go into that he can possibly think of. It doesn't matter if it takes me a little longer to get there.

 

I feel like I know what to do, but breaking up isn't what I want either.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy sounds like a jerk, OP. Sorry, but he isn't the wonderful man you claim. I see him putting you down and being intolerant of you in general. Why are both forcing this? I couldn't be with someone who thought so little of me and essentially didn't believe in me. Yuck.

[Els]

Aside from the 'magical' honeymoon period (which IMO doesn't determine the long-term health of an R)... what are the GOOD parts of him? Why are you staying?

[WrinkledForehead]

It is completely unfair of him to project his insecurities about how his ex handled her life onto how you're handling your life.

 

How do *you* feel? Are you satisfied with the progress you made? You've had some hurdles but do you ultimately feel you're doing the very best you can? If so, his concerns should only align with your own, and he should voice them from a place of love, not a place of criticism.

 

His attitude regarding the type of person you are is also concerning. When meeting family and friends, some level of nervousness is normal. You expressed to him that this nervousness existed, but you still went to meet the people important to him. A proper way to handle the situation would have been to discuss any expectations he or his parents may have had (seriously? Not knowing exactly how old his dad is? But if that was so important to him, he should have let you know in advance) so as to make the best impression.

 

You deserve a partner who supports you through your life, and admires the steps you are taking. If you're living up to your own standards, why do you put up with someone who undermines and belittles those standards? That's not love.

[WorryGirl]

Aside from the 'magical' honeymoon period (which IMO doesn't determine the long-term health of an R)... what are the GOOD parts of him? Why are you staying?

 

The good parts are that we have SO much fun when we're together. We can laugh until our socks fall off. We share the same ridiculous humour, we enjoy wonderful days out, we share hobbies, we both have a passion for eating out and for cooking and trying new things. My family absolutely adore him, I love how hard he works, we can talk and talk and talk and never get bored, and our sex life is utterly amazing. Those are the good parts, not just about him but about us as a couple. These are the reasons I've stayed thus far. Because I would love to spend my life with someone who holds these traits, who I can have so much fun with and completely cherish.

 

I just don't know what's what anymore. I've seen this ugly side, and it scares me.

[WorryGirl]

It is completely unfair of him to project his insecurities about how his ex handled her life onto how you're handling your life.

 

How do *you* feel? Are you satisfied with the progress you made? You've had some hurdles but do you ultimately feel you're doing the very best you can? If so, his concerns should only align with your own, and he should voice them from a place of love, not a place of criticism.

 

His attitude regarding the type of person you are is also concerning. When meeting family and friends, some level of nervousness is normal. You expressed to him that this nervousness existed, but you still went to meet the people important to him. A proper way to handle the situation would have been to discuss any expectations he or his parents may have had (seriously? Not knowing exactly how old his dad is? But if that was so important to him, he should have let you know in advance) so as to make the best impression.

 

You deserve a partner who supports you through your life, and admires the steps you are taking. If you're living up to your own standards, why do you put up with someone who undermines and belittles those standards? That's not love.

 

I'm so satisfied with the progress I've made! Of course I wish I hadn't had these hurdles altogether, but I have and I feel like I've dealt with them the best way I know how. I'm trying every day and I'm getting there, I am actually succeeding.

 

You are right. I completely agree when you say I need someone to support me and admire the steps I am taking. I feel like I want a boyfriend who will be proud of me for pulling out the stops and achieving what I have. I'm proud of me and I want someone to share my pride, not try and take it away.

 

When I think about this logically, I know I'm setting myself up for hurt. But when I think with my heart instead of my head, I love him very much and I want to work for it. I just don't want to get broken in the process.

[Els]

The good parts are that we have SO much fun when we're together. We can laugh until our socks fall off. We share the same ridiculous humour, we enjoy wonderful days out, we share hobbies, we both have a passion for eating out and for cooking and trying new things. My family absolutely adore him, I love how hard he works, we can talk and talk and talk and never get bored, and our sex life is utterly amazing. Those are the good parts, not just about him but about us as a couple. These are the reasons I've stayed thus far. Because I would love to spend my life with someone who holds these traits, who I can have so much fun with and completely cherish.

 

I just don't know what's what anymore. I've seen this ugly side, and it scares me.

 

Ah, okay, fair enough. Yes, it seems like you're just coming out of the honeymoon phase. But do the cons justify staying for the pros? Only you can answer that. Based on what I've seen in your OP, I'd go with 'no' unless he acknowledges that he was wrong to do that and seriously attempts to change.

[Elle1975]

Well.. he might be wonderful with great qualities, at the end of the day he still broke up with you. No such thing as a break.

 

Work on finishing your school, and in the mean time, I'd just cut contact with the guy. I don't see the point in staying in contact. That's not going to change his mind, if anything that's going to reinforce his decision.

 

I believe that if he loved you, he'd have no problem waiting till April.

[preraph]

You never said how old you are. Without knowing if your 20 or 40, it's hard to judge if he or his mom have any reason to be worried. Sounds like they're awful mercenary anyway. Usually it's not all that important whether a woman is getting paid a whole lot since most of them aren't even though they're working as hard or harder than men.

 

Love isn't about trying to perfect the person you're with. Especially not be criticizing them and doubting them. The person who loves you will be supportive when you hit a bad patch and triumphant with you when you have little successes. Your bf sounds too negative in general to be someone you'd want to put up with the rest of your life.

[Leigh 87]

Gosh. So you work full time for free in order to get a job in the field you have studied years for.

 

You study full time and work full time (for free) AND you have a paid job part time?

 

WTF. How is that NOT good enough for him?

 

Does he even realise that most people don't have the intellectual capacity to work AND study full time? Much less earn a decent income and get good grades..

 

Your boyfriend is awful and you need to know that you deserve so much better.

[ja123]

he's trying to figure out if he's just insecure or if his thoughts hold some truth.

 

 

 

Sounds like he's an insecure abuser, if you ask me: cutting you and dreams down like that ... pfft ... who needs him?!

[WorryGirl]

Sounds like he's an insecure abuser, if you ask me: cutting you and dreams down like that ... pfft ... who needs him?!

 

I know ja it's gut wrenching!

[WorryGirl]

Gosh. So you work full time for free in order to get a job in the field you have studied years for.

 

You study full time and work full time (for free) AND you have a paid job part time?

 

WTF. How is that NOT good enough for him?

 

Does he even realise that most people don't have the intellectual capacity to work AND study full time? Much less earn a decent income and get good grades..

 

Your boyfriend is awful and you need to know that you deserve so much better.

 

Oh Leigh I know! It's amazing how strangers on the Internet can see and appreciate the hard work you put in and yet your nearest and dearest struggle to see even half of it.

 

Thank you!

[WorryGirl]

Ah, okay, fair enough. Yes, it seems like you're just coming out of the honeymoon phase. But do the cons justify staying for the pros? Only you can answer that. Based on what I've seen in your OP, I'd go with 'no' unless he acknowledges that he was wrong to do that and seriously attempts to change.

 

I really don't know I would love to be able to say that the pros outweigh the cons, but I'm sensitive and it hurts way waay too much.

 

Part of me wonders if he will acknowledge how wrong he is and if he will make attempts to change. The other part of me is very sad because it feels like this relationship slips away a little more each day! And we do still communicate. It just isn't the same though.

[WorryGirl]

I just wanted to post my update.

 

My boyfriend went off on holiday with his family two days after dropping the initial bombshell of not knowing what he wanted. He used it to try and think things through. Two days after being away for a week, he phoned and said he still didn't know. We had an emotional 3 hour conversation where he said he felt that the right thing to do was to break up, but he didn't want to lose me either because he loved me so much, and he wanted me with him and in his life. He still didn't know what he wanted.

 

We couldn't meet the following week (the week just past) because I was working two nights and he was busy with one of his best friend's weddings for the rest of the week. All 5 days! He asked me not to go to the wedding because of our current circumstances (which I didn't make a fuss about although it hurt). So we arranged to mee the following week (this week coming) to see where we are up to. Then three days later, a day before the wedding festivities started (in fact in the small hours on the day), he phoned me up and broke up with me. Over the damn phone! It was hurtful, it was horrible. I was furious that he didn't have the nerve to sit down with me and discuss this face to face. It's as though he was being selfish, making sure he knew where he was up to before he went to celebrate his friends' marriage as best man.

 

So now, I feel broken. I have tried to keep busy, but I only end up exhausted and having to rest, and then I feel incredibly sad and upset. The worst part is, the break up isn't over. When I asked him if I was meant to just hang up the phone and never speak to him ever again, he said no. He said we should still meet up this week. I just don't see the point and I'm leaning towards not doing it, although people in my life think I should see what he has to say. I bought a new dress in case I do. It's nothing special but it'll make me feel confident.

 

I told him I would probably delete him from my Facebook because I didn't want to be reminded, or see this weekend's wedding pictures. He immediately said I could just unfollow him. That wouldn't work though because he has friends at the wedding who are on my Facebook too, so I would need to delete them too. So far I haven't, and I've seen the pictures of everybody there together, and I feel dreadful that I wasn't. I wonder if because I was uninvited by my boyfriend so late, I still had a place in the seating plan.

 

He tells me this is the hardest thing he ever had to do, because I did nothing wrong. This all happened so quickly. He took me home to meet his family and told me he loved me for the first time on the same day. 4 days later we celebrated our 1 year. It was lovely. In that time he had started planning introducing our parents at the end of September, he'd started planning my birthday (he said he wanted to whisk me away) and I had absolutely no clue that this wasn't working. Because he went on a stag do to Spain 2 weeks later, and apparently he spent the whole time contemplating our relationship. Something happened in those 2.5 weeks that made him do a 180. I have my suspicions, but I'll never ever know what it was.

 

We have had no quality time alone together since the very beginning of July, because he has been at weddings and abroad on stag dos. For one wedding a few weeks ago, he was a groomsman and the groom apologised that they couldn't invite me to their wedding because the numbers were maxed. It's not like we are in a new relationship, it just sounds like they had the wedding they wanted which meant they couldn't invite everybody. I think this wasn't very helpful.

 

I told my boyfriend we needed quality time together. I wonder if the reason he has done this now and primarily over the phone is because it's easier for him that way. Perhaps he doesn't want to be reminded of how wonderful a couple are when we are together.

 

The comment his mum made about him wanting to be with a girl who couldn't stand on her own two feet at the age that I am, could have been it. When I told my own mum what had been said, she was furious. She thought it was cold and nasty, especially a whole year into our relationship when it could have been said in the beginning. I told my boyfriend that he was supposed to stand up for me. He said he had a massive go at her. I didn't need him to do that, she's his mother! I just needed him to correct her, to put her straight, to tell her why and for him to be my advocate. That's what I told him.

 

So now, I feel like I'm just in the middle of my break up. I feel like for what was such a wonderful relationship, the break up has been cruel, selfish, disrespectful and drawn out. I feel like his decision was sudden and rash, and that he is a judgemental and insecure commitment phobe, and he trashed our relationship.

 

I feel utterly broken, but a little better for venting here. I don't know who will see this, but I would love a comment or two if somebody does. Thank you.

[Zeurich]

Answer for the page one:

what I can see your magical boyfriend is a real tempered abuser. Where did you find this king of morons honestly? Girl walk away don't get your self hurt please. He wont be good he is a kind of a person good for spend winter together with drinking coffee but not for a marriage or a serious commitment.

My boyfriend says he doesn't believe I will finish. In his last relationship, he was waiting for his girlfriend to move to London from Africa for him, and she kept putting him off. Eventually he realised she was just making excuses and would never come, and they finished he. He believes that I am doing the same thing, and that I will not succeed and not finish my degree and qualification.

Grr,, your story bring my mind back in 14 years ago. He wont giving your a moral support. He won't back you up for anything but complaining nagging and bugging. It is not your fault he was in love with a woman from Africa. If he wanted the girl to move he should support visa wise. Haven't you ask that from him?

However, my boyfriend has just recently told me that he was angry that I couldn't remember if my brother had just turned 44 or 45 when his dad asked me.

I have 4 brothers I have no idea how old are they honestly what I know is I am the youngest that is it so he might kill me then.

My boyfriend also hates that I have very little money.

There you go girl he is a treasure digger. He want money not you. He might aiming about how much you will earn after your studies, and when it is getting slow he gets mad. Oooh your story pain in my a......s.

He confessed that his mum asked him why he wants to be with a girl who can't stand on her own two feet at the age that I am and it got a cog turning in his head. My boyfriend is the same age as me and lives at home and spends all his money.

oh boy mommas child I see so unhealthy in the future!

I want to spend my life with him.

honestly are you in sane?

The worst part is that he knows he's putting me through hell, he said so himself.

and you want to spend rest of your life? Is not that better you find a Jack-O- Lantern ? Girlie I don't understand you now honestly. Yeah as a grown up I see things differently. But I have chosen also when I was very young to be with clone of your BF. And after 12 years I am divorced that was 6 years ago. your story threw me to University of Arizona. Don't do it. He wont change. That is who he is. Insulting, assaults, condemns, ignorance wont go away from him. Use your head.

[Zeurich]

So now, I feel broken. I have tried to keep busy, but I only end up exhausted and having to rest, and then I feel incredibly sad and upset

Because that jerk dump you? Are you sure what you want? I am now doubting about you as well. You know him for a year, you went through that year what I went for 12 years and still you feel sad ?

Go for jogging, practice yoga, read marriage trouble articles and attitude related articles you find a lot and then you realize what other people say being with people like your magical boy friend and read how they feel regret giving them a chance. He knew that he is going to break with your over the phone that is why he said you to not go there. He knew that you will be broken. He might given the idea that you kick him out. Please let it go.... you deserve much better than this.

[WorryGirl]

Oh Zeurich. I appreciate your response and that you've brought things down a notch. It's always helpful to see things from someone else's point of view, without the rose tinted glasses. And I'm very amused that you think a pumpkin would be a better other half!

 

Some of what you say I don't understand though. Not meaning to be rude, but is there a language barrier here?

 

I am sorry you lost your love after 12 years. But I don't understand how our situations are comparable. Was your relationship wonderful (or so seemed) for 12 years and then you had a selfish break up? I don't get it. My relationship was very real, thank you. I know what it is to be in a long term relationship, and let me tell you that this was my shortest relationship to date. It doesn't matter how long you've been with somebody, be it a year or 10, the pain of losing somebody you love can be just as severe.

 

I certainly don't want to read marriage trouble articles and the like! How sad. I don't need to know that somebody else went out with a moron too, I won't find comfort in that. I do however enjoy frequenting these forums, seeking coping advice and the opinions of others who come here, and for leaving my own opinion for people to read in relation to their situation too. Sometimes it's just about seeing it from the outside. That's enough.

 

To answer your biggest question; yes I am sane. I am just in love. Sadly it's with somebody who doesn't have his head screwed on straight.

 

Again, some of what you said I don't understand. But I get the gist. Many thanks for your reply and advice!

Edited August 17, 2014 by WorryGirl