Miscommunication early on in dating...normal or a sign of things to come?

[katinlc]

Hi all,

 

I've been talking/seeing this guy for about a month. Not exclusive/only in the beginning stages of dating. We do usually have some form of communication (talk, text, or FB) everyday. Any who, we were talking last night via text and had a misunderstanding. We talked it out but he did say that it worried him that we had this type of miscommunication this early on and he thinks it may be an indication that we will have troubles communicating with each other down the road if we decide to get into a relationship. My thoughts are that it is not an indication of future problems but simply the fact that we don't really know each other yet and are still trying to figure out how to communicate with each other. To me, how we handled the miscommunication was more important for potential future purposes.

 

I would just like to get everyone's take on this? Am I being naive to this potential problem in communication or is he over analyzing this? If you had communication problems early on did that indicate future compatibility problems?

 

And before you say it - I know text is a horrible means of communication, but you got to use what you got. I also think it is hear to stay in relationships, so we need to figure out how to effectively communicate through text.

[PegNosePete]

What kind of miscommunication?

[central]

Texting, IMO, is not really communicating. Relationship communication is face to face where body language and tonal nuances convey as much or more information than words. Texting is a very limited form of communication and easily subject to misinterpretation. Don't base any long-term conclusions on that alone. Besides, it will take months to fully understand each other's communication style. Until then, misunderstandings can easily occur.

[BikerAccnt]

It's so easy to miscommunicate via text, so easy. It's why I still prefer the old fashioned phone for any meaningful communication.

 

I've told not only my GF, but also friends, quit texting me and call me, I don't want to text about this! Sometimes you just need to talk. Texting leads to misunderstandings. You can't "hear" what the person means on text.

[katinlc]

I just found out a guy I had went out with a couple of times has cancer (he's only 32). It had upset me and was on my mind. I didn't move into the topic well (we were discussing crazy people we met on the Internet). He took it as I was telling him about a guy I was still interested in, I was telling him as this happened to a friend and I'm upset kind of story. I wasn't thrilled with his lack of compassion. Actual miscommunication wasn't a big deal - more worried about what it could mean in the future.

[Tbisb74]

.....

And before you say it - I know text is a horrible means of communication, but you got to use what you got. I also think it is hear to stay in relationships, so we need to figure out how to effectively communicate through text.

 

Bull.

If you're texting, you're texting on a device called a 'telephone'. Their PRIMARY function is to make telephone calls, which require vocal communication.

The telephone has existed in one form or another, since the 1840's, when the idea of mechanical transmission was first introduced. Texting is a relatively recent phenomenon by comparison. It's HERE to stay, for the foreseeable future, but speaking pre-dates it, considerably.

If you're holding a phone, then use it to speak. There is as yet, no effective communication through texts, and thousands of threads in this forum will attest to that. Why try to 'figure something out' when a better system already exists??

[katinlc]

Bull.

If you're texting, you're texting on a device called a 'telephone'. Their PRIMARY function is to make telephone calls, which require vocal communication.

The telephone has existed in one form or another, since the 1840's, when the idea of mechanical transmission was first introduced. Texting is a relatively recent phenomenon by comparison. It's HERE to stay, for the foreseeable future, but speaking pre-dates it, considerably.

If you're holding a phone, then use it to speak. There is as yet, no effective communication through texts, and thousands of threads in this forum will attest to that. Why try to 'figure something out' when a better system already exists??

 

Because sometimes people are in situations where they can't be on the phone, but can send a text every 10 minutes or so. This thread is not about whether text is an effective means of communication (as you pointed out there are already a jillion of them out there). I'm looking to stay on topic of miscommunications early on in dating.

[Tbisb74]

What was the miscommunication? And could it have been expressed better by calling, instead of texting?

And what situation could you possibly be in that means you can be distracted enough from it to text, but you cannot speak? Really, I'm curious.

[katinlc]

What was the miscommunication? And could it have been expressed better by calling, instead of texting?

And what situation could you possibly be in that means you can be distracted enough from it to text, but you cannot speak? Really, I'm curious.

 

I 100% agree that this particular topic would have been much better on the phone...I'm not arguing that. My concern was does early miscommunication (in whatever form) indicate future problems and I didn't want this to turn into a text vs. call discussion.

 

The most common situation I've encountered where text is required is work. I dated one guy who worked 12 hour shifts monitoring various systems. He had a lot of downtime if things were going right, but couldn't be on the phone. He could text though, so that's mainly how we had to talk because our schedules were so different.

[PegNosePete]

I agree with you, the manner of conflict resolution is more important then the miscommunication. Although naturally if miscommunication is a common occurrence then I would side with him, that it indicates a problem.

 

But the fact that he is thinking about future problems in your relationship, may indicate that he is hesitant to commit to you.

[soccerrprp]

I 100% agree that this particular topic would have been much better on the phone...I'm not arguing that. My concern was does early miscommunication (in whatever form) indicate future problems and I didn't want this to turn into a text vs. call discussion.

 

The most common situation I've encountered where text is required is work. I dated one guy who worked 12 hour shifts monitoring various systems. He had a lot of downtime if things were going right, but couldn't be on the phone. He could text though, so that's mainly how we had to talk because our schedules were so different.

 

I text often with my fiancee. Did during our LDR. IT IS A LEGITIMATE form of communication that is quite effective when used properly and carefully. No one should argue that. But, misunderstandings are more frequent using texting.

 

You should ask him if texting was the issue. If so, text less. But, I do feel that he is over-thinking things. How a single example of miscommunication now becomes something of grave concern to him is puzzling, especially since the two of you hashed it out afterwards. He clearly uses texting with comfort, so it's not the aversion to that form of communication that is the problem.

 

I believe your assessment is more palatable. He's, for now, making this more than it should be.

 

What was the miscommunication about?

[d0nnivain]

Sometimes mis-communications happen because the people don't know each other's styles.

 

DH & I had one early on. I had seen a save the date for his cousin's wedding. Then I saw the invite but he never mentioned it to me. I was very blue that he hadn't asked me. I kept hoping that maybe he wasn't invited with a guest & that I was being overly sensitive.

 

About a week before the wedding he mentioned something casually about his mother coming in for the wedding & us needing to leave earlier to drive her to the wedding too. It was the 1st time he'd mentioned the wedding. I was snippy. He was startled. He assumed that since I was his GF that I knew I was invited & he thought that was obvious. It wasn't

 

So sometimes misunderstandings are part of the getting to know you process.

[deathandtaxes]

I don't know if I'd call this miscommunication so much as insecurity on the guy's part, OP.

 

 

If this is an isolated incident, things are ok. If you find this happening more and more, then there's most likely a problem in the way you two communicate. I also like what a previous poster said about conflict resolution. It's just as important as any 'miscommunication'.

 

 

I dated this lady earlier this year. It was hot, it was heavy, it flamed out quick. The big problem? Our vastly different communication styles and our conflict resolution skills were wildly different. She would withdraw and I would keep talking. And the more she withdrew, the more I tried to pull her back out via talking.

[katinlc]

 

You should ask him if texting was the issue. If so, text less. But, I do feel that he is over-thinking things. How a single example of miscommunication now becomes something of grave concern to him is puzzling, especially since the two of you hashed it out afterwards.

 

I think he had issues with communication in his last relationship. I appreciate his concern and thinking long term, but am worried he is going to end up making a mountain out of a molehill and back out before we get anywhere.