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How soon into a relationship can I bring up serious topics?


abby_tx

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I have been dating a guy since early June. He's 27. I'm a few years older. I know 100% I want marriage and kids. At what point can I ask if he wants the same? And how do I bring it up without sounding marriage or baby crazy?

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Themanwithaplan

I vote for waiting and letting the relationship evolve naturally. Babies and marriage are two very serious and very different things... It's been less than two months. What difference will another month or two make? If you're happy with this guy, then you're doing something right. Why risk that?

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I wouldn't bring up marriage. The topic of children is easier. Can't you bring this up without specifics? It is quite normal for a woman of your age to talk about nieces, nephews, children of friends, etc. and saying in some fun way that you want a dozen of your own. Or some amusing remark about your parents one day being grandparents. It is the most natural topic in the world...don't shy away from it. He can pick up the vibes of your conversation and add his expectations. Just keep it general and fun.

 

After you know each other better...then more serious talk if you haven't figured things out in a less formal way. When?... 4 months? Hard to be specific and only you know how much time you spend together, where things are going, etc.

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I have been dating a guy since early June.

That is barely a month...

 

I know 100% I want marriage and kids.

But with this guy? You need to know someone for at least a year -- through all four season -- before you can determine if someone is marriage/family material.

 

At what point can I ask if he wants the same?

Six months, at the earliest.

 

And how do I bring it up without sounding marriage or baby crazy?

Wait for it to come up in conversation naturally... Again, not for at least six months.

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Ha! When I first saw this I thought you said you were 37. I was like, um, that's first or second date material.

 

Okay, so thinking back to when I was 27, there are really only two main positions on kids: 1) um, ya, someday and 2) hell no. Most dudes don't have that sussed out any more than that. So probe around for the hell no. A quick trick to that would be when you find yourself around a bunch of kids just blurt out, "OMG, can you imagine being a parent someday?" He'll either say:

 

1. The dude equivalent of, "um, ya, crazy... oh look that's a funny place to put a piano!"

2. Hell no. I'm never gonna do that!

 

Poof! There is your answer.

 

On marriage - tread very lightly on this subject. Like really lightly. IMHO, dudes don't realize they want to get married until about a week before the propose. They don't contemplate this stuff. They don't imagine the future beyond where the next basket of chicken wings are coming from. I'd you had asked me if I wanted to get married even 2 months before I proposed I would have laughed in your face. It is like a switch that goes off for us dudes.

 

Best of luck!

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Ninjainpajamas

See, that's the problem with many women...you're more concerned about the agenda than you are with the actual guy. I constantly tell guys, when women want a commitment, marriage, kids, it's not REALLY about you, it's about what they want, you're just along for the ride..because they could have possibly chosen half a dozen different guys to fill the role previously, assuming the men were actually willing...but age has a lot to do with it for women in terms of a sense of urgency.

 

At any rate, you should have made intentions clear from the beginning...that you're looking for a serious relationship, not necessarily throwing the kitchen sink in his face with marriage and kids, and conduct yourself in a way that holds yourself up to that standard and with the type of relationship and your expectations.

 

If you let things go and flow casually, chances are you're just going to get another casual relationship that lasts X amount of time, sure you might get "lucky" but it's not the norm.

 

If the guy was on the same page you would know it though or at least looking for a similar future, if you have to force or bring up conversations...he's either going to be bothered and back away or you'r the one instigation the situation...something many women don't mind doing to "see where things are going", but it's better to communicate than not to, however you've already set a behavior pattern, so at this point just wait...generally if you have to wonder where things are going, chances are usually they're not really going anywhere...but at this point within this short of time, he's still getting to know you...he might not see himself getting married with kids till he is 30 or later, have you even talked about it?

 

So there's a difference between whether he's the "one" and you looking to settle down and get married with kids by X timeline...one has more to do with the guy, the other is just a personal goal...it doesn't mean either has to do with the man however, someone women just want with they want, they meet a guy who appears on the outside to be what they're looking for and bam, they're ready to call it life. In reality you should be looking for the right person to marry and have kids with, and a few months isn't enough time...but we all know how irrelevant that is to many people...it's like just pick a half-decent person and get it over with, make the mistakes and regrets after the fact.

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You should be finding out this stuff on the first few dates. Not in a 'let's have kids' way but 'do you want to be a parent someday' or 'where do you want your life to be in 5/10 years?'

 

What's the point in dating someone for months only to find out that you're completely incompatible on a fundamental level?

 

Ask early and it becomes a general question about him and his future. The longer you wait before asking, the more it looks like you're asking about 'with you', and the more stupid you'll feel if you don't get the answer you want.

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I agree with the men. I bring important things up very early on because I'm looking for someone I'm compatible with long term.

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I brought up children with my current gf on our 4th or 5th date. We went bowling, just before she took a shot I said 'Do you want kids?'

 

Apart from the (deliberate) sheer awkwardness of it, a conversation ensued and we got to ascertain each other's needs / expectations - the conversation opened up to marriage etc whilst still being quite fun / playful.

 

If you have that sort of chemistry / demeanour available with him, it can be a good way to bring it up.

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chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

Six months?! I have always made a point of establishing marriage/kids/homeownership/other serious issues by the third date. It doesn't need to be a big deal. You're not asking them if they want to be married to YOU, just if it's anywhere on their radar. Similarly, no matter how gorgeous and amazing he is, if he plans to move to Brazil in three months then I'm not going to even try. If you're mutually incompatible in the long term why would you attempt the short term?

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This is why I avoid (for the most part), the 33-35 bracket. Not that there is anything wrong with women in that bracket, but most of the dates I go on sound more like a job interview than having a good time getting to know each other.

 

I get it, you'd want to know early on and I don't blame you, but it's also off-putting when you are trying to get to know someone and 15 minutes into the second date, you get asked about kids/marriage. Now the date is onto "filter" mode where you just buzzkill everything.

 

It's a Catch 22. You don't want to wait too long to find out, but you also don't want to put pressure on. Whenever I feel like I am asked "too soon", I just shut down. There's no need for ME to rush, but I completely understand why other people would.

 

I think the delivery of the question is equally as important. You can tell when someone is asking to gain knowledge of the situation versus when someone is asking because the "expiration date" is coming soon.

 

Good luck.

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I probably should have mentioned that I am 31. I hesitated to go out with him because of his age, but he won me over and I'm so glad I did because I have never felt this way before. But I do know I'm not getting any younger. As much as I hate it, if I want kids (I do) I have to know that someone I'm with does too before I wake up 40 and miss my chance. That's not saying I'm only looking for a sperm donor. I look for a connection. If I don't find someone special, I would give up my chance of being a mom before I'd force any old guy who wants kids to marry me. I'm really scared to being this up because I'm a super laid back go with the flow type of person usually and conversations like this go against my nature

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sillyanswer
I have been dating a guy since early June. He's 27. I'm a few years older. I know 100% I want marriage and kids. At what point can I ask if he wants the same? And how do I bring it up without sounding marriage or baby crazy?

 

Why not bring these things up today? You're clear on what you want. Find out what he wants (or if he even knows). If you're okay with him wanting something different, or not knowing yet, or if you think you'd rather end things if he isn't on exactly the same page of the same book, then say so. Be prepared to discuss how quickly you want those things, too, as that might affect your (and his) view on whether you should keep dating.

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No joke, I once went out with a woman who brought a chart with a timetable with not only the years in which she wanted to take each step of the relationship, but also specific months.

 

So it went something like this:

 

Exclusive - May 2012

Engaged - April 2013

Married - May 2014

First Child - March 2015

 

I asked for the check.

 

Obviously, this isn't the case here, but I thought it'd be a funny story to relay.

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I probably should have mentioned that I am 31. I hesitated to go out with him because of his age, but he won me over and I'm so glad I did because I have never felt this way before. But I do know I'm not getting any younger. As much as I hate it, if I want kids (I do) I have to know that someone I'm with does too before I wake up 40 and miss my chance. That's not saying I'm only looking for a sperm donor. I look for a connection. If I don't find someone special, I would give up my chance of being a mom before I'd force any old guy who wants kids to marry me. I'm really scared to being this up because I'm a super laid back go with the flow type of person usually and conversations like this go against my nature

 

If you are laid back then why would this conversation be against your nature? It's the reverse.

 

If you can't open up and talk easily then why do you want to be in a relationship? I wouldn't. An intelligent, caring, rational adult male should be completely aware that a woman your age is thinking of children. A mature male is not a dumb 16 year old. If he is 'scared away' then good. He wouldn't be a suitable partner.

 

If video games and super hero movies preoccupy his thoughts, dump him and then find a mature male who is actually addressing adult life issues.

Edited by Eau Claire
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I agree with the men. I bring important things up very early on because I'm looking for someone I'm compatible with long term.

That's the smart way to go about it. I've done the same myself in order to help weed out those compatible vs non compatible. Plus I like to ensure I'm open and honest with women. I must be one of those rare fellas that actually wants to find a woman (just one, ideally the right one), get married and eventually breed LOL

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If you are laid back then why would this conversation be against your nature? It's the reverse.

 

If you can't open up and talk easily then why do you want to be in a relationship? I wouldn't. An intelligent, caring, rational adult male should be completely aware that a woman your age is thinking of children. A mature male is not a dumb 16 year old. If he is 'scared away' then good. He wouldn't be a suitable partner.

 

If video games and super hero movies preoccupy his thoughts, dump him and then find a mature male who is actually addressing adult life issues.

 

Point taken. But as laid back as I am, I don't want to scare away a guy who I could have something amazing with if I didn't make him

Feel pressure too soon.

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I have a great relationship with my 2 year old niece. Do you think me talking about how excited I get to babysit her shows I want kids?

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I have a great relationship with my 2 year old niece. Do you think me talking about how excited I get to babysit her shows I want kids?

No you have to have a direct conversation with the person. Why are you scared?

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No you have to have a direct conversation with the person. Why are you scared?

 

I don't know why. Maybe because the last time I attempted a serious talk with a guy, it weirded him out and things went south. Actually to the point of him breaking up with me.

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I don't know why. Maybe because the last time I attempted a serious talk with a guy, it weirded him out and things went south. Actually to the point of him breaking up with me.

Because he wanted something casual. It's good to get rid of those early, non?

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Because he wanted something casual. It's good to get rid of those early, non?

 

True. It does help speed up the process and healing time takes less.

The guy I'm with now is younger though and his last serious relationship ended when he was 20. I'm just uneasy about being that older woman who wants things to get too serious.

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But he has given me clues that suggest he might feel something "more" with me. Things feel different.

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True. It does help speed up the process and healing time takes less.

The guy I'm with now is younger though and his last serious relationship ended when he was 20. I'm just uneasy about being that older woman who wants things to get too serious.

Yeah with a good reason, the likelihood is that he isn't looking for anything serious with someone older - what's the age gap?

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But he has given me clues that suggest he might feel something "more" with me. Things feel different.

but what he feels and what he wants are two different things probably

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