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When they say they need space


Push_Through_It

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Push_Through_It

Been going on dates with a girl for about 2 months and just as things started to move a little closer to an "official" relationship she pulls the "I'm not sure Im ready for all this, I think I just need some space" line. I told her I appreciated her honesty and will back off a bit so that she has time to figure out things from her end, partly because I'm just as hesitant to jump into something serious as well. The only difference is I'm not looking to back up or cool things off, I'm just not ready to take another step forward.

 

It's now been a week with very little contact (initiated by her) and all of our conversations are very "surface level" in that a stranger probably wouldnt even be able to tell there was any type connection between us outside of a basic friendship. During this time I've been keeping myself busy with friends and even started talking to a new girl from Tinder that I've actually grown quite interested in. I'm set to meet this new girl on Tuesday and really excited to see if we connect as much in-person as we have through texts/calls.

 

My question is when someone says they need space - are you free to then pursue other people?

 

Part of me says yes, the space is meant to re-evaluate things and see if you still the other person as a potential candidate but the other part seems to think that it's almost a bit sleezy.

 

(BTW we're all mid or late-20s.)

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My question is when someone says they need space - are you free to then pursue other people?

Providing you're honest and you say you are, yes. "I need space" just has the "...away from you" missing, It's usually an attempt to break up, but gently....She's really not sure she wants this, so there's something missing from the attraction....

 

Part of me says yes, the space is meant to re-evaluate things and see if you still the other person as a potential candidate but the other part seems to think that it's almost a bit sleezy.

It's so soon in your relationship - that it's not even a relationship, really....Suggest to her that it's either on or off - you don't intend to live in limbo while she sorts her head out, so does she want to make a go of this, yes or no? If there's any hesitation, or she protests and being pressured, you can basically take that as a 'no'.

 

(BTW we're all mid or late-20s.)
'All'...? or 'both'....? :confused:

 

EDIT: Sorry. Dumbo here didn't read on.... Neither of you seem completely invested in the blossoming relationship. I'd just go your separate ways,. If the butterflies and excitement aren't there, don't flog a dead horse....

Edited by Tbisb74
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Push_Through_It

I agree that something is probably missing from the attraction (from both sides) but I guess I don't see it as a reason to completely stop or distance things, just as a hesitation to take another step forward.

 

 

"Suggest to her that it's either on or off - you don't intend to live in limbo while she sorts her head out, so does she want to make a go of this, yes or no? If there's any hesitation, or she protests and being pressured, you can basically take that as a 'no'. "

 

I like this idea but isn't a week of space too short of a timeline? I have a feeling it will be looked at as being pressured just given that she asked for it just 5-6 days ago.

Edited by Push_Through_It
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Look: All I know is that "I need space" means "I want to back off." And generally speaking, 'I want to back off' means, 'I'm not investing in us, so much as doing my own thing.'

As it's only been 2 months, AND you have this other lady on the potential sidelines, I'm not sure what it is exactly that you want....

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Another guy she likes more than you has appeared in her life and she wants him. Let her go and do not start any type of contact with her. It's ironic we watch on tv shows how a girl will come searching back or a guy will make a gesturing move but doesn't happen in real life. Date this new girl and date others. It's ironic, the moment she realises you've got options and seeing someone else, the more she will be inclined to chase you back.

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This recently happened to me. My BF of 8 months began "pulling away", not as excited to make plans, see me, got "busier", doing more things for "himself", not discussing scheduling with me, what weekend we would share together (we both have kids from exes/divorces). In the beginning we talked about our schedules ALL the time, trying so hard to find that time together! He was so on top of it, and including me in his decisions of what weekends would work for me, for both of us. It worked!

 

That changed and it became more about "him" and his plans, he would tell me he didn't know what weekend he had his kids, was confused about his schedule, etc.

 

One month later, he broke up with me. I saw it coming. We had discussed ending things from time to time. Very complicated situation, in our 40's, exes, kids, careers, etc. I was his first serious relationship post divorce. A lot of other issues... I suppose I was a rebound for him. Whatever, I'm moving on.

 

Just remember - don't ever go where you are not wanted. And you will know. Look for the signs. Watch for those red flags. Trust your instincts. And don't go for sloppy seconds, if you want an exclusive relationship with someone. Just won't work... YOU will end up being the one hurt. As I was.

 

If she doesn't know what she wants, tell her, "fine". Get back to me when you know, if you want us to work things out. Then go NC and go about your business, meet other people. Because you know SHE IS.

 

Best!

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It usually means someone's having doubts or feeling pressured and may break up. If they ask for space, then it's only fair you should be able to take space too. If you want to date someone, I'd recommend you make clear to the partner wanting space that you see this as a temporary split from what was an exclusive relationship. See if she still wants space then.

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You started being needy, and she told you to back off, as she should.

Yeah you should see other people in my opinion, try not to suffocate the other ones.

And you can still be a little more friendly with that girl

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Did you ever discuss with her before the "space" conversation that you two were official & exclusive? If not, you are absolutely free to see other people.

 

If you did say you were exclusive, then you need further clarification as to what space means? Does it mean that hey I need 1 day per week away from you to do laundry & grocery shop or does it mean that I want out but I'm ripping the band-aid off slowly in a lame attempt to try to lessen the pain of a break up?

 

I'd sit her down or at least call on the phone & say if we're on a break I am assuming that we're free to date other people & you will come back if you are done with this space business. If she says no, say you are either together & exclusive or it's over. This ambiguous middle ground grey area is frustrating & unfair

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