LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Have known this guy for sometime now and in the beginning he used to always look at me in a lustful way (i.e. look my body up and down and would also check out my shoes, etc.) however, he is a huuuuuuge flirt but I was never one of the girls who would reciprocate. He also gave me a single heart candy on Valentines' Day and I had a feeling in my gut all day that if he got me alone he would do something. Also, I notice he is often nervous around me (his right leg is always shaking) and his lustful stares have graduated to him always looking at me in an adoring manner. He is not so much trying to hide it, but I see him do it often from my peripheral. Buuuuuuut....oh oh, we had a little debate the other day and I came down kind of hard. Needless to say, before the debate, we have never had a platonic relationship/friendship but have just started building one as of recent. We have started having really great discussions surrounding various life topics as of late and they are purposeful, honest, and we have even started to make direct eye contact (something I didn't even realize we weren't doing much of before.) I really went out of my way to try to talk to him and be his friend (which is something I normally don't do) because I felt really bad and...I'm somewhat attracted now because he's started to grow on me. However, he no longer looks at me lustfully (although he postures quite a bit) but still appears quite nervous (leg still shakes) and I must admit, this made me a little sad, lol. I used to hate when he looked at me that way but now I kind of miss it (stupid I know.) Could this mean that he has lost interest and just sees me as a friend or could it mean that he likes me more? Thanks for your help, Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 OK, I have to ask: What was the 'debate' about? If you came down hard, presumably it was something you felt strongly about..? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I have to ask.....do you want this guy to be your BF? Link to post Share on other sites
SmartDude Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 He may think that because you challenged his ideas, he has been rejected. The leg shaking could mean he is nervous around you which means he might be just as smitten as you are. But now he is afraid to show it. He might not know what to do! He may just need to feel acceptance from you, which will bring his confidence back up. The ball is in your court. You need to not be passive about this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 OK, I have to ask: What was the 'debate' about? If you came down hard, presumably it was something you felt strongly about..? Hi Tbisb74, Thanks for responding. We were debating about a work issue (yea, we work together...a whole other issue, I know). He basically inserted himself into a situation with myself and one of my clients. Let me just add: he's competitive (so am I) and seems to get upset and shut down whenever you stand up to him/when he can't his way and I don't go for that so I made my point very clear. Yes, I felt very strongly about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Do you mean by 'leg-shaking' that he has his foot on tiptoe and he rocks the leg up and down, rapidly? If yes, this is nervous energy. And if he's competitive, he sounds (and I could be way wrong, I'm just getting a feeling through your post) as if he likes the intellectual repartee he has with you; he enjoys your intelligence, and likes the fact that he can have a cogent discussion with you - but suddenly, your argument and 'debating' with him, means you're standing up to him - and he's unsure whether he enjoys that bit....What is his opinion on who gets to be the bread-winner in the home? That kind of thing...? And who do you think actually got the upper hand in the debate? You? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 I have to ask.....do you want this guy to be your BF? Hi smackie, Well, guess I'd like for him to be. Like anyone else, he's got his annoying factors (like some of the things I pointed out to the poster above) but overall, he is a good guy. He is very intelligent, hard-working, ambitious, kind, goal-oriented... cute to boot...and many other positive things. I admit, he was not on my radar at first but now I'm really starting to dig him. Why did you ask this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 He may think that because you challenged his ideas, he has been rejected. The leg shaking could mean he is nervous around you which means he might be just as smitten as you are. But now he is afraid to show it. He might not know what to do! He may just need to feel acceptance from you, which will bring his confidence back up. The ball is in your court. You need to not be passive about this. Hi SmartDude, Excellent insight. He shut right down on me...so not him! I realized that I needed to show him that I was still interested and not upset with him and that I still enjoyed his company and want to get to know him better, hence the reason I have been working hard to initiate communication with him again...and he's been quite receptive...so much so that I get nervous now! I was a little scared at first thinking he would never talk to me again. This has definitely been a lesson for me. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
oberkeat Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Your association with this guy doesn't seem to be going anywhere. He's too chicken to ask you out in a direct fashion and you're not sure that you're even interested in him. If I'm wrong and you are interested in him, I think you should get with him and ask if he'd be interested in doing something together outside of work. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Not a guy but>>>>first of all, in general most guys I've ever talked to about WANT a girl with her own opinions who has a point of view. They find it attractive. All you have to do is stay on this board a day or two and you will see a guy who has a perfectly lovely girlfriend who is fine apart from the fact that she bends to his every whim and seems like she has no real opinion--and the question they are asking is if they should dump her or not because they are bored and see no real future with her. That said, it's a fine line when it comes to a work situation coupled with the fact that you have interest in each other but nothing's been established yet. So he's probably a little insecure about your interest in him. Therefore he wants to be seen in best light by you. For guys, THE area where they really tend to do this is work. He would want you to be proud and impressed by how he conducts business. Sooooo if you're not and disagree with how he has done, well then he's not happy. Hurts his ego. Plus a lot of times when a guy is "wrong" (butting in with one of your clients) and you notice/call him out on it, they have respect for you but at same time are embarrassed and stand firm just to not look stupid to you. So this is all a touchy area. I wouldn't roll over though especially if you've done nothing wrong. Believe me, he's taken notice and may back off for a bit but will not like it if you turn into a doormat to keep his interest. Just give it a bit of time for the "incident" to pass. From the description you put here, I do think he's interested in you. If it's changing a little bit, probably because he is a little more comfortable with you. Then the incident makes him feel vulnerable and he doesn't have the security of knowing where he truly stands with you (ie that you are interested too!). Good luck. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 If by "debate" you mean dis-respect, yes I would completely lose interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 Do you mean by 'leg-shaking' that he has his foot on tiptoe and he rocks the leg up and down, rapidly? If yes, this is nervous energy. And if he's competitive, he sounds (and I could be way wrong, I'm just getting a feeling through your post) as if he likes the intellectual repartee he has with you; he enjoys your intelligence, and likes the fact that he can have a cogent discussion with you - but suddenly, your argument and 'debating' with him, means you're standing up to him - and he's unsure whether he enjoys that bit....What is his opinion on who gets to be the bread-winner in the home? That kind of thing...? And who do you think actually got the upper hand in the debate? You? Yes! That's exactly what his leg is doing. Oh, Tbisb, you are gooooooood. Yes, he is very cerebral and knows a lot about many things. I'd like to think that I can hold my own and he appreciates having someone to talk to that's on his level. No, he doesn't like the standing up to him part. I can tell you that right now. He's used to damsels and that I am not! Can't help it...it's never who I've been and don't think I can start now ( however, I realize being like this doesn't get you the guy and I will need to display my soft side more often) Who got the upper hand???..... Me! LOL! One more thing: There's another girl he usually hangs with a lot. Like almost to the point of being clingy that many thought they were dating (they're not.) sometimes when he would see me coming, it's almost like he would hide behind her, lol, and act as if he were ignoring me, but I would still see him looking my way from corner of my eye. Lately however, since we've started talking more, when she comes around, he doesn't get up and leave with her or treat me like he doesn't know me. *shrugs* still don't know if I can really trust him yet, though. He also asked me if I wanted children? *shrugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 Your association with this guy doesn't seem to be going anywhere. He's too chicken to ask you out in a direct fashion and you're not sure that you're even interested in him. If I'm wrong and you are interested in him, I think you should get with him and ask if he'd be interested in doing something together outside of work. Hi oberkeat, You're quite right. Maybe he doesn't really like me. I do sense he's a little scared of me but that doesn't mean that he even wants to ask me out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 Not a guy but>>>>first of all, in general most guys I've ever talked to about WANT a girl with her own opinions who has a point of view. They find it attractive. All you have to do is stay on this board a day or two and you will see a guy who has a perfectly lovely girlfriend who is fine apart from the fact that she bends to his every whim and seems like she has no real opinion--and the question they are asking is if they should dump her or not because they are bored and see no real future with her. That said, it's a fine line when it comes to a work situation coupled with the fact that you have interest in each other but nothing's been established yet. So he's probably a little insecure about your interest in him. Therefore he wants to be seen in best light by you. For guys, THE area where they really tend to do this is work. He would want you to be proud and impressed by how he conducts business. Sooooo if you're not and disagree with how he has done, well then he's not happy. Hurts his ego. Plus a lot of times when a guy is "wrong" (butting in with one of your clients) and you notice/call him out on it, they have respect for you but at same time are embarrassed and stand firm just to not look stupid to you. So this is all a touchy area. I wouldn't roll over though especially if you've done nothing wrong. Believe me, he's taken notice and may back off for a bit but will not like it if you turn into a doormat to keep his interest. Just give it a bit of time for the "incident" to pass. From the description you put here, I do think he's interested in you. If it's changing a little bit, probably because he is a little more comfortable with you. Then the incident makes him feel vulnerable and he doesn't have the security of knowing where he truly stands with you (ie that you are interested too!). Good luck. Hang in there! Thank you for the encouragement, Versacehottie! You hit.nail.on.head as I am sure I did hurt his ego...didn't mean to but why oh why couldn't he just mind his own business? lol He doesn't like it when I involve myself with his clients so why would he do the same with me? *sigh* men! Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 It depends on what you mean by debate. I think many men appreciate a knowledgeable woman who can share her ideas, but very little is more irritating than an argumentative and combative woman. It's a matter of degree and how you do it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 Do you mean by 'leg-shaking' that he has his foot on tiptoe and he rocks the leg up and down, rapidly? If yes, this is nervous energy. And if he's competitive, he sounds (and I could be way wrong, I'm just getting a feeling through your post) as if he likes the intellectual repartee he has with you; he enjoys your intelligence, and likes the fact that he can have a cogent discussion with you - but suddenly, your argument and 'debating' with him, means you're standing up to him - and he's unsure whether he enjoys that bit....What is his opinion on who gets to be the bread-winner in the home? That kind of thing...? And who do you think actually got the upper hand in the debate? You? Oh! And I'm not sure about the bread-winner thing. Haven't gotten that far in convo yet. I get the sense though that he believes it should be the man. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 He took your opinion as a rejection of himself personally. His brain is back in the 1950's where men though of themselves as superior, the winner, the supporter. Your little disagreement blew up his perception of you. Don't let his good attributes cloud your better judgement. An attitude like that will make any relationship cave in on itself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 He took your opinion as a rejection of himself personally. His brain is back in the 1950's where men though of themselves as superior, the winner, the supporter. Your little disagreement blew up his perception of you. Don't let his good attributes cloud your better judgement. An attitude like that will make any relationship cave in on itself. Thanks smackie9. Had been thinking about that a lot myself. He definitely has an attitude of superiority and he's so used to women fawning all over him and telling him he's right about everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Thank you for the encouragement, Versacehottie! You hit.nail.on.head as I am sure I did hurt his ego...didn't mean to but why oh why couldn't he just mind his own business? lol He doesn't like it when I involve myself with his clients so why would he do the same with me? *sigh* men! The ego stuff hurts double when it's you that he is trying to impress!! He couldn't mind his own business because it's YOU he's trying to impress and it backfired. And he could just be overly competitive in general (like if he does it to everyone's clients). Guys have a hard time putting themselves in others shoes that's why he couldn't do same with you. Plus he probably did it for a good reason: to come across as a protector/hero. When you didn't respond positively to it, he felt like a failure. Ego crushing. Guys tie up so much of their worth into their jobs. I can do this experiment with ANY guy I run into where I act super interested in their work and then impressed by how "successful" they've been at it once they are explaining it. AND it is GOLD. I just did it Thursday night. No one need be hating on my experiment. It's curiosity, showing an interest in people and gets guys to open up. I like learning about people. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 The ego stuff hurts double when it's you that he is trying to impress!! He couldn't mind his own business because it's YOU he's trying to impress and it backfired. And he could just be overly competitive in general (like if he does it to everyone's clients). Guys have a hard time putting themselves in others shoes that's why he couldn't do same with you. Plus he probably did it for a good reason: to come across as a protector/hero. When you didn't respond positively to it, he felt like a failure. Ego crushing. Guys tie up so much of their worth into their jobs. I can do this experiment with ANY guy I run into where I act super interested in their work and then impressed by how "successful" they've been at it once they are explaining it. AND it is GOLD. I just did it Thursday night. No one need be hating on my experiment. It's curiosity, showing an interest in people and gets guys to open up. I like learning about people. Really Versacehottie? He was trying to impress me? I thought he was just being territorial. lol, it really did backfire. Actually, he and I had a little snafu a few months ago...one day when he entered the office, I could see he was gearing up to confront me about another issue with a client. I could see from the corner of my eye that he was literally flexing his muscles and poking out his chest...too cute. Needless to say, I won that debate too. Teehee I love your style. The acting super interested stuff. It really does get them to open up. Why should anyone hate? You have to be strategic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CharlieFox Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 ...but I see him do it often from my peripheral. ...and act as if he were ignoring me, but I would still see him looking my way from corner of my eye. I could see from the corner of my eye that he was literally flexing his muscles and poking out his chest... One thing's for sure, you do use that peripheral a whole lot while he's around you... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Really Versacehottie? He was trying to impress me? I thought he was just being territorial. lol, it really did backfire. Actually, he and I had a little snafu a few months ago...one day when he entered the office, I could see he was gearing up to confront me about another issue with a client. I could see from the corner of my eye that he was literally flexing his muscles and poking out his chest...too cute. Needless to say, I won that debate too. Teehee I love your style. The acting super interested stuff. It really does get them to open up. Why should anyone hate? You have to be strategic. LOL, it was prob both!! Trying to impress and territorial! I'm interested to see if he also steps out of bounds with others (especially other guys) that do same position as you? Once you pick up on this ego/work thing for guys you can make it work for you just about anywhere. You will also see evidence of it left and right. I guess if you are going to "debate", ie when you do, make sure that it's not nasty or below the belt. I don't think many people at all respond to just generally argumentative. It's like flirty-challenge-y. Or if the flirty part is inappropriate for time/place then be strong with facts and keep up with him toe to toe OR a step ahead. But I already knew you would be. Now that he prob respects you on some level work-wise, you have even greater chance to win his affection with your praise of stuff you do like that he does. You should try that. Thanks for loving my style. I'm always curious. Love talking to people. Give guys attention for what they put attention to kind of endears you to them. People potentially would hate because they think it's game playing. I prefer to think of it as a flirting experiment. There are so many different points of view about dating and attraction, etc. But I like to make the other person feel good and see what they bring to the table. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 When I date someone, I want to be able to relax. If I find myself constantly arguing, or "debating", that's a turn off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 One thing's for sure, you do use that peripheral a whole lot while he's around you... BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! I just knew someone was gonna say that! LOL! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 (edited) LOL, it was prob both!! Trying to impress and territorial! I'm interested to see if he also steps out of bounds with others (especially other guys) that do same position as you? Once you pick up on this ego/work thing for guys you can make it work for you just about anywhere. You will also see evidence of it left and right. I guess if you are going to "debate", ie when you do, make sure that it's not nasty or below the belt. I don't think many people at all respond to just generally argumentative. It's like flirty-challenge-y. Or if the flirty part is inappropriate for time/place then be strong with facts and keep up with him toe to toe OR a step ahead. But I already knew you would be. Now that he prob respects you on some level work-wise, you have even greater chance to win his affection with your praise of stuff you do like that he does. You should try that. Thanks for loving my style. I'm always curious. Love talking to people. Give guys attention for what they put attention to kind of endears you to them. People potentially would hate because they think it's game playing. I prefer to think of it as a flirting experiment. There are so many different points of view about dating and attraction, etc. But I like to make the other person feel good and see what they bring to the table. You make so much sense and I have a new revelation with each post. I know in the beginning he didn't think I was on his level...silly rabbit. It's frustrating, actually. I have gotten this from guys all my life and when that "turning point" comes - when they realize that I can hold my own - they shut down, back off, get super competitive...some go for blood. Seriously, I've actually had to leave a job or two because of it in the past. It's like when they discover I have a brain, they lose theirs. I pray to God for greater self-awareness everyday because I'm no victim and I understand that the fact that I can be relentless with my opinions, don't kiss tail and definitely don't act interested the way you do (which I think is a great tactic...with the ones I like), will continue to keep me in this cycle. I know that going forward I will need to do things differently if I want different results. Someone told me that I need to learn how to stroke egos, or just be more friendly with guys in general so this way things won't be so hard for me. *sigh* I guess I could try it. Edited July 27, 2014 by LoveIsABattlefield36 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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