griffinchicken53 Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 The older I get it seems more women already have kids. I'm not opposed to this but it does seem like there could be drama. I'll admit I have baggage, everyone does. There are circumstances we can't control. My concern is a woman who has several kids from different fathers. This sounds bad of me to say, and in no way do I mean to imply anything negative to single mothers. I know a few, had a kid with a college boyfriend, that didn't last, got married, had another kid and then the husband turned out to be abusive. Obviously the kids will be their primary focus and that is understandable. I probably couldn't afford this type of relationship, if she was a stay at home mom. It seems like a scenario where a guy might have to work two or three jobs. I will go ahead and assume I'm a jerk. Of course I realize there is a flip of the coin and single guys with kids also have these issues Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I'm not sure how a single mother would be able to be a stay at home mother to be honest. She'd really need a job to pay the bills. I can't imagine asking any guy to take over that responsibility. That's me though. I am a single mother and I would never expect anyone to pay for me to be a stay at home mom. Does it make you a jerk? No, it means that you prefer not to date women with children. It's that simple. The flipside is true also... I'm not sure how many women would really want to date a man who has several children by several mothers either. As for drama.... well there could be drama but there could also NOT be drama. It depends on the situation. Plus... there could be drama even if your potential date doesn't have children. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author griffinchicken53 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 Thank you for your input. There is no guarantee about drama or no drama. And I'm not against dating someone with a kid or kids. I've seen examples where the woman was a stay at home mom in the relationship and then gets some kind of financial support from the ex. And the new guy is asked to help about legal fees for custody, sells off his assets, ends up working several jobs, then she goes back to the guy Worse case examples obviously, I just don't want the second date to be discussing college finance plans. Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 No I don't think it makes you a jerk. The dynamics of a relationship where you have to take kids into account is completely different to one without. It just means you're not at that stage in your life. When my kids were younger and I was dating, I never minded if someone didn't want that in their lives. Now that my kids are grown up, I specifically didn't want to meet a man with young kids, because that part of my life was over. There are a lot of men in my age group (40+) who had left having kids quite late, and didn't see why that would be an issue for me - but as I say, I'm not at that stage of life any more. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 No what is more a of a jerk scenario is guys who would date us single mums for sex thinking we are an easy lay..... and then disappear... you are honest......that si better if you dont date a single mum who is looking for a permanent man in her life.....it is not your responsibility to pay for another mans child......i dont want another guy to feel responsible fro my children havent needed another guy to pay fro my children nor will i.....the fathers pay child support......and even if they didnt i wouldnt expect a guy too....my ex took on my sons as his.....i dont expect all men to be like my ex as far as financial means go....i actually wanted to work he didnt want me too......... you are being honest so stick to your beliefs ...dont end up resenting a woman for having children or the children for existing.......they are her responsibility not yours..find a woman to date who doesnt have children..........best wishes...deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
morrowrd Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 My girlfriend is a single mom, or was. She has two young boys, both are very high maintenance and honestly, in the three years she and I have been a couple I have never bonded with either. While that makes me feel guilty at times, theres nothing I can really do other than what I have been doing, treat them right, be there for them in the event they need me. (Which occasionally happens) Mine is the case of when a man dates a much younger woman. My son is twenty, her's were 8 and 9. She now has custody of her step daughter, whom I actually do like because she actually appreciates things; says thank you, offers to help around the house, has a sweet non-complaining attitude. More to the point, when it comes to the raising of her children, I maintain boundaries..I am there to help and support her, but not own anything. Honestly, I think she likes it that way too. As for the relationship, she's exactly what I always wanted in a girlfriend. Small, pretty, blonde, bubbly, sweet - the type that always belonged to someone else. So, I feel lucky. My advice, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Love is all about risks, accept the baggage she brings, but don't own it. Be part of her support system instead. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I probably couldn't afford this type of relationship, if she was a stay at home mom. It seems like a scenario where a guy might have to work two or three jobs. I will go ahead and assume I'm a jerk. Not a jerk. It seems your attitude is reasonable. Again, we all have preferences and personal levels of acceptance. When dating someone with children, you MUST consider whether the SO is in it to be a partner or some other more selfish reason. No way should you have to tolerate to be with someone who is unwilling to be equally responsible for the welfare of all children involved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
isisisweeping Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I don't think it's wrong. You're not stereotyping. You're not saying nasty things. That's fine. That said, to an earlier post, I do know actually know a single mom who has two kids from two different fathers who is a stay at home mother. Both her exes make significant amounts of money (both left her - one decided he didn't want to be a dad after they already had a planned child and 5 years married and gave her full custody and doesn't take his visits, and the other one cheated with his secretary of all the clichés in the book when they'd been together 12 years, he is involved but with their two young kids actually preferred she remain with them, She gets $1500 from the first and $2500 from the second--- I think the first guy makes 125k and the second makes 175k per year.) I don't fault her for it. She's an awesome mom and her kids are real treats. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I see nothing wrong with this. They are simply standards. We ALL have them, whether they are huge standards or smaller standards. Whether it's a situation like this or a situation like women with short hair or men who are balding, etc, etc, etc... No one should ever disrespect you for the things that you have set for relationship parameters. They are yours and yours alone. Ultimately your happiness from a relationship is based on whether you can meet those or not. Who cares what other people think about YOUR standards? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 If I had to do it again, I would never get involved with a woman who already had kids. But hopefully I'll never be in a position to have to make that choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 If anyone ever tries to convince you to change your preferences because they don't agree with them, it is THEM who are being the jerk, because they are trying to change who you are in order to make themselves feel better. If you don't want moms, then moms would not be compatible with you. Why anyone would want to convince you to be unhappy is beyond me. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I was set up with a woman who has two kids from two different guys. I went on a simple date and I couldn't get out of there fast enough... these women are damaged. That's the harsh truth. Any single guy willing to inherit that kind of baggage is either a saint or a sap. You're going from single, freedom, to lockdown and instant dad. These women are looking for a guy to be the dad and gladly take on all the sh-t they bring to the table. Also, I will tell you this: a friend of mine (single, never married, no kids) is engaged to a woman who is divorced and has a kid. She admitted to me that she chose my friend because she is in control and makes the decisions. My friend is very passive, i.e., a b-tch, truth be told, and doesn't realize within 5 years he will be discarded. I know at some point, just from the times I've been around her and listened to her talk, she will take out all of her anger on him for what her ex did to her. Bottomline: single with no kids should meet other singles with no kids. If you're over 40, divorced with kids, you should be in the market for someone similar who can relate to you. It also eliminates any power control moves, as you're dealing with someone else who understands what it is like to go through a divorce and have kids. That's my take. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I am a single mom, but I have a job. My exH pays child support and takes care of the kids every other weekend as well as when I work. All of my kids are from the same man, but the amount of kids that I have generally scares guys off. Not all of them, but a lot. And that's okay. I'd rather they back off immediately rather than get my hopes up and get me attached to them when they have no intention of staying. Most of the guys I meet seem to have kids, too. I'm totally okay with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I was set up with a woman who has two kids from two different guys. I went on a simple date and I couldn't get out of there fast enough... these women are damaged. That's the harsh truth. Any single guy willing to inherit that kind of baggage is either a saint or a sap. You're going from single, freedom, to lockdown and instant dad. These women are looking for a guy to be the dad and gladly take on all the sh-t they bring to the table. It's definitely best for them that you're not hanging around, it sounds like. FTR, I'm not looking for a dad for my kids. They already have one. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 It's definitely best for them that you're not hanging around, it sounds like. FTR, I'm not looking for a dad for my kids. They already have one. Best for them? Wrong. Best for me. Why should I take on all of that? Yes, they already have a dad, but the new guy coming in is expected to take on a role of dad - that's the truth! Hence the term: step-dad. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 FTR, I'm not looking for a dad for my kids. They already have one. And for me, this is what grinds my gears the most...my SO's daughter has a close relationship with her father and so I see her as nothing more than a friend...yet I still have to pay for her sh*t because her mom left her job to move and be with me... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Yes, they already have a dad, but the new guy coming in is expected to take on a role of dad - that's the truth! Hence the term: step-dad. Not always... I will never associate myself as any kind of step anything to my SO's daughter and she will never associate me as any kind of step anything to her... Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 And for me, this is what grinds my gears the most...my SO's daughter has a close relationship with her father and so I see her as nothing more than a friend...yet I still have to pay for her sh*t because her mom left her job to move and be with me... Isn't that the truth... Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I'm 38 with no kids, I've never dated guys with kids, and I'd prefer to marry and make babies with a guy who's never had kids. My experiences and perspective are very different from those of parents, and I can relate much better to men who have no kids, like me. I think your point of view is perfectly reasonable. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Not always... I will never associate myself as any kind of step anything to my SO's daughter and she will never associate me as any kind of step anything to her... Not always but most times than not, likely. Look at you, you're acting like a dad paying for your gf's daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Best for them? Wrong. Best for me. Why should I take on all of that? Yes, they already have a dad, but the new guy coming in is expected to take on a role of dad - that's the truth! Hence the term: step-dad. Best for all of you, really, I guess. What I meant, though is it's best that you're not hanging around despite how you feel because you would all likely end up resenting each other and regretting it. That's not good for anybody. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 There was a woman I met who has a kid and is divorced. We talked, were attracted to each other and I said to her - "I just want to have fun". She told me the same and to me that seemed like a beneficial arrangement. Not too soon after this talk, she brings up the ex and how she wants a guy to replace the void her ex left her and the kid. She pretty much was looking for a guy who could rescue her. F-ck that. I walked away. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 Not always but most times than not, likely. Look at you, you're acting like a dad paying for your gf's daughter. I prefer to think of it as paying for my SO to pay for her daughter's sh*t... Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I was set up with a woman who has two kids from two different guys. I went on a simple date and I couldn't get out of there fast enough... these women are damaged. That's the harsh truth. Any single guy willing to inherit that kind of baggage is either a saint or a sap. You're going from single, freedom, to lockdown and instant dad. These women are looking for a guy to be the dad and gladly take on all the sh-t they bring to the table. Also, I will tell you this: a friend of mine (single, never married, no kids) is engaged to a woman who is divorced and has a kid. She admitted to me that she chose my friend because she is in control and makes the decisions. My friend is very passive, i.e., a b-tch, truth be told, and doesn't realize within 5 years he will be discarded. I know at some point, just from the times I've been around her and listened to her talk, she will take out all of her anger on him for what her ex did to her. Bottomline: single with no kids should meet other singles with no kids. If you're over 40, divorced with kids, you should be in the market for someone similar who can relate to you. It also eliminates any power control moves, as you're dealing with someone else who understands what it is like to go through a divorce and have kids. That's my take. you know who are more damaged since you are a truth seeker i will tell you what i feel...the fathers who abandon their children through selfish reasons and then expect single mothers to go it alone...... who are also really damaged are the children they are the ones who really suffer with abandonment often from being left in one parent families.....and for sure i don't want to be a dominant woman with any guy i am with, i dotn expect financial support i dont expect a guy to save me...but what you said about a saint......yeah i want a saint ...a nice guy who wont abuse me or the kids who wont use me for sex and wants to share my life including my kids, all the good times and all the bad and still be able to smile at the end of the day.......so a sir galahad or saint is welcome at my rectangular table that has eight chairs......the damaged guys who think single mums are sex vehicles he can go ......somewhere else...if that makes me damaged and a risk ....well so be it.. i have been a single mum for quite a while, seven plus years now, dated on and off....only recently though...i have five children one grandchild and exes who pay child support..and i am blessed not damaged....i think its quite unfair to expect single mums to be bitches ....i am not and i know many single mums who are hard working responsible adults.....they just have kids to consider .....first......i think its right for the op to not date single mums if it is his preference ...it is fair and not jerk like...your post was quite rude and judgmental on single mothers.....do you honestly think when mothers have children they set out to become single mothers....or do they just handle it best they can...i am actually submissive in a relationship with a guy but not when it comes to my kids or abuse......i step up ...that is not being a bitch ....i am a good mediator and prefer that to arguments or power struggles..deb 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 And for me, this is what grinds my gears the most...my SO's daughter has a close relationship with her father and so I see her as nothing more than a friend...yet I still have to pay for her sh*t because her mom left her job to move and be with me... So you had no say in your SO moving and leaving her job to live with you? Just woke up one morning with her and her daughter on your doorstep? You two are the adults. The child doesn't have a say in any of the adult choices you two made. Tell your SO to get a damn job. Should be simple. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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