marycc Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 A few days ago we were arguing with each other, and I noticed he was really upset by the way he was talking and his tone. Then, he touched me while he was talking to me. He would touch my arm sometimes (not grab it) while he was talking, and when he had his arms crossed, he kind of pulled me back a little when he touched with his elbow on my arm (not in a violent way). Anyway, I'm just worried about this actions because my father used to hit my mom, and my ex-boyfriend punched me once. I'm tired of this and I don't want it to happen again. We have been dating for 7 months and he always seemed like a calm person, always very sweet and relaxed...I told him that I didn't like what he did and why (he knows about my father and ex). He said he didn't mean anything with that, that he wasn't trying to be agressive, but said he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. So, would you consider this an "agressive behaviour"? Should I do something? I've alreay thought about faking that I was mad about something and start an argument to see if he would do it again (or something worse), but I don't know if that's a good ideia...I just don't want to spend another year, or more, with him, to find out that he is just like all the other men I met before, I'd prefer to end it right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Maybe you guys should have a rule about no touching when arguing. It doesn't seem to me that he's violent though. Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Sorry your ex punched you but you are blaming your current bf for others mistakes. Nowhere do I read that he is violent or went out of line. I've alreay thought about faking that I was mad about something and start an argument to see if he would do it again (or something worse), but I don't know if that's a good ideia...I just don't want to spend another year, or more, with him, to find out that he is just like all the other men I met before, I'd prefer to end it right now. Just don't. That is ridiculous. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 You're being dramatic This man isn't your father or ex bf leave him out of your past, he shouldn't have to suffer for what other people have done. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 He may just be trying to establish connection when fighting. If he wasn't violent and the touching was light and non threatening, it doesn't sound like he was trying to establish control so he did nothing wrong to me. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him how you feel and ask that he not touch you during fights. Also, never blame your partner for others behavior and never stage fights to manipulate him. That can be seen as emotional abuse and is just as bad as physical abuse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 I don't see it as a problem but because of your past you are hyper sensitive to the possibility of physical abuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveIsABattlefield36 Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I don't see it as a problem but because of your past you are hyper sensitive to the possibility of physical abuse. Right. OP if I were you, I would sit down and have a talk with him about it. This way you put him on notice and he can learn what not to do in an argument. Maybe even put him on a timeout? I encourage you to follow your gut as you can never be too sure nowadays. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I've alreay thought about faking that I was mad about something and start an argument to see if he would do it again (or something worse), but I don't know if that's a good ideia...I just don't want to spend another year, or more, with him, to find out that he is just like all the other men I met before, I'd prefer to end it right now. What? Why would you want to do this? The drama some people seek out astounds me sometimes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 ....if you don't like your bf touching you during arguments let him know that is all you have to do...tell him when you arent arguing sit down and have a rational discussion......how you want to deal with disagreements in the future... i have been beaten and this is what i would do and i would explain why i would prefer that he didnt touch me......i do have a reason....i could switch ..sometimes i do sometimes i dont ...depends on the situation i am in......i am a multiple personality and its best i am not touched while arguing or feeling insecure..or scared...not because i would hurt someone either but because i regress..havent won a fight against a guy ever, so yeah i dont hurt people........but thats me...your bf to me wasnt doing anything wrong..next time let him know before a disagreement occurs what you dont like him doing and explain why.....give him a chance.....you arent being fair at all i feel......deb Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I've gotten the distinct impression from some women that they wanted a whack but still would have called the cops on me anyway if I gave them one. Talk about being in conflict. Maybe that's what's going on here. Link to post Share on other sites
Lani Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I've gotten the distinct impression from some women that they wanted a whack but still would have called the cops on me anyway if I gave them one. Talk about being in conflict. Maybe that's what's going on here. ^ the f*ck? OP- only you can decide whether this is the start of abusive behavior. You didn't like it and you told him so, he's apologized and promised it won't happen again.. Give him the benefit of the doubt here. You've given your boundary and it's up to him now to accept that. Time will tell. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 ^ the f*ck? OP- only you can decide whether this is the start of abusive behavior. You didn't like it and you told him so, he's apologized and promised it won't happen again.. Give him the benefit of the doubt here. You've given your boundary and it's up to him now to accept that. Time will tell. It's not that hard to understand. The guy puts his hands on her during an argument and she can't wait to start another argument to see if he does it again. Which means she liked it on some level. But she's really not supposed to like it so she's left with a conundrum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lani Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 It's not that hard to understand. The guy puts his hands on her during an argument and she can't wait to start another argument to see if he does it again. Which means she liked it on some level. But she's really not supposed to like it so she's left with a conundrum. Of course! Because women never really say or do what they mean, right? Sometimes I forget how stupid we are! Durp! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 A few days ago we were arguing with each other, and I noticed he was really upset by the way he was talking and his tone. Then, he touched me while he was talking to me. He would touch my arm sometimes (not grab it) while he was talking, and when he had his arms crossed, he kind of pulled me back a little when he touched with his elbow on my arm (not in a violent way)....... I've alreay thought about faking that I was mad about something and start an argument to see if he would do it again (or something worse), but I don't know if that's a good ideia...I just don't want to spend another year, or more, with him, to find out that he is just like all the other men I met before, I'd prefer to end it right now. First of all, do not deliberately start an argument, just to be provocative. That sends out all the wrong signals, and is childish, immature and to be blatantly honest, with the wrong person, could be dangerous. but I don't think in this case, your BF is dangerous, although I can understand your unease and concern. When you have known a violent past, you tend to bridle more, become more defensive, and presume - a lot more than most would - that this could escalate. I think everyone has the potential to lash out and use force, at some point. The same people telling you to not be ridiculous (I'm paraphrasing here) are the same people who may think nothing of giving their child a swift belter when they step out of line. Risking the danger of veering off-topic here, the two scenarios are not that much different. If a parent can get angry and snap, lose control and smack their child because the provocation has proven too great, it is not outside the realms of possibility that one who is not normally given to outbursts of temper, might also, with the provocation, do likewise.... Talk to him. Explain just how fearful physical contact during an altercation, makes you. You don't doubt his word, and can believe him when he says it won't happen - but you would ask him to please make allowances for the fact that a heated argument unsettles you in more ways than one. Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I've gotten the distinct impression from some women that they wanted a whack but still would have called the cops on me anyway if I gave them one. Talk about being in conflict. Maybe that's what's going on here. Gaius, I seriously think you need some mental help. OP, trust your instincts, don't tell yourself you are crazy or justify his behaviour. Make you boundaries clear (as you have done). If he crosses them that's it, no 3rd chances. Not sure about starting another argument on purpose but if you do, make sure you can leave if you have to. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Of course! Because women never really say or do what they mean, right? Sometimes I forget how stupid we are! Durp! Sometimes they don't, just like men sometimes don't. If you don't enjoy food from a restaurant you don't get an urge to keep going back just to see if it's still terrible. You exhibit the behavior you think will get the reaction you want. And if she wants to keep starting fights after he put his hands on her during one, well there's only one explanation for that. If she really didn't enjoy it she'd want to be away from him after that. Not performing the same behavior that caused the reaction she claims not to like. I feel kind of bad that a lot of women aren't allowed to speak honestly about this. And they're stuck in the position of going for what they want or being run through the wash by the people around them. It's a disservice to them and their sexuality. Why it is such a horrible thing if a woman gets something out of a situation like that? Is it a great insult to modern women or something? Oh and TAV, good one. I saw you like my post. Freudian slip on your part. Link to post Share on other sites
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