New to dating … burned already

[hardandfast]

I'm in my twenties but have never really dated around. I've only had three long term monogamous relationships lasting almost four years each. In each of those, the guy was intensely interested in me from the get go and things have always progressed in such a way that I was never confused about where things were going. I ended the last relationship recently though we had both been anticipating the end for awhile. At first, I resolved to not get emotionally attached to a new person because I have never really been on my own for a significant period of time (and I realize how bad that sounds).

 

Well, I messed up already. I found myself being physically attracted to this new guy and I couldn't resist the thrill of that new attraction feeling. Going into it, I had no expectations from this due to a variety of reasons and I just wanted a pleasant distraction. He always initiated texts every day, checking up on my day and often sending the first and last texts of his day. The flirtation was intense on both ends. But even so, I initiated most in person meet ups, which I was not used to and I know made me look too desperate, but I just craved his company and attention. And he knew all too well that I was very into him.

 

Still we had a blast each time we met up and each time there was a little more physical escalation, which he always initiated (no surprise ). We also have a lot of common interests and conversation came easily. We went on six dates in a span of three weeks. Earlier this week was the first time he initiated a date which made me (a little too) happy. And yep, on this most recent date, it escalated to sex.

 

And you can guess how this story is ending up… since then, he has dropped contact. I did reach out by text two days after the deed despite all advice against it. He responded (apparently not feeling well) but the tone of his texts did not convey the same interest as before. Even though rationally, I still have no expectations and all signs point to him losing interest after sex, I'm finding it pretty hard to deal with going from him initiating contact every day to nothing. While I don't feel used because I enjoyed it, it is also hard for me to understand why he wouldn't want to see me more after giving it up. I don't view first time sex as a big deal and really wanted to actually get past all that built up tension and start to enjoy each other's company for what it is, so feeling sad that I don't seem to be getting that chance…

 

Sorry for the long post. I really just wanted to get it all off my chest. Feel free to lay your brutal feedback on me

[Zippy2000]

First of all I m sorry if you got burned.

 

Its nothing to do with you. Im a bloke and I ve done this do a girl who I initially I thought I liked.

 

I did my disappearing act but let it be known I ve only done this once in my life and only when I was younger. I ve learned I should give closure but at the time the girl who I did the disappearing act with. She kept on phoning me and texting me which put me off her and made me walk further the opposite direction.

 

Its nothing to do with you. People I say not just men. Women do it too. They are allowed to change their minds.

[hardandfast]

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply

 

I also feel the irresistible urge to seek closure by just asking for a direct answer as to whether he's not interested in continuing to see each other. I think most people would advise to just let his lack of contact be that answer, but it's hard for me to leave it dangling.

[Zippy2000]

I d leave it alone. If its meant to be then he`d come back.

 

Bearing in mind some people do cool down with texts and calls if they`re busy. Give it a coupe of weeks to compare his actions.

 

Remember. If a guy is into you. "He`ll make it happen".

[Assasda]

Well you 2 shared nothing together.

He initiated everything, so he was the one seeking, then he got what he wanted.

then he's off... Thats the long and short of it.

 

You 2 didnt share a balanced relationship.

He got what he wanted out of you, you wanted notrhing from him - it seems.

And now youre a notch in the bedpost

[GemmaUK]

You're a notch on each others bed posts..

 

If you consented you have equal responsibility.

 

It was fun...yes?

 

Leave it as that.

 

 

No closure required.

 

No need to think about it either.

[somedude81]

My suggestion to all women is to only have sex once you are in an established relationship.

 

If a guy can't wait a couple of months, then that just says that all he wanted was sex.

[hasaquestion]

You're a notch on each others bed posts..

 

If you consented you have equal responsibility.

 

It was fun...yes?

 

Leave it as that.

 

 

No closure required.

 

No need to think about it either.

 

Yeah, you had fun, he had fun. Long-term there's someone better out there. Everyone wins.

[hardandfast]

Well you 2 shared nothing together.

He initiated everything, so he was the one seeking, then he got what he wanted.

then he's off... Thats the long and short of it.

 

You 2 didnt share a balanced relationship.

He got what he wanted out of you, you wanted notrhing from him - it seems.

And now youre a notch in the bedpost

 

I don't know how you got that from my post? If anything, one of the points I feel utterly foolish about was me initiating most of our meet ups. Also, I didn't "not want anything from him" - I wanted to spend time with him doing any of the common interests I said we had.

 

But yes, it turned out as everyone else says; just another notch on the bedpost. I'm just feeling disappointed there won't be a chance for more.

[FortunateSon]

My suggestion to all women is to only have sex once you are in an established relationship.

 

If a guy can't wait a couple of months, then that just says that all he wanted was sex.

What if they don't want to wait until they are in an established relationship? What if she just wants sex too?

 

OP, as you mentioned, you had fun, he had fun, a better long-term fit will likely come along.

[Assasda]

I don't know how you got that from my post? If anything, one of the points I feel utterly foolish about was me initiating most of our meet ups. Also, I didn't "not want anything from him" - I wanted to spend time with him doing any of the common interests I said we had.

 

But yes, it turned out as everyone else says; just another notch on the bedpost. I'm just feeling disappointed there won't be a chance for more.

 

Oh, you wanted to spend common time doing interests that you had. OK, well did you do that? or did I miss that as well.

I hope that you expressed that, because if you didnt, and he just thought you were desperate for sex, he probably thought that everyone that persued you would just persue until you banged, and then you really didnt care about anything else.

 

If you expressed time in doing common interests, he should have least stayed around a little bit more.

We cant all pick the right ones though.

[hardandfast]

Oh, you wanted to spend common time doing interests that you had. OK, well did you do that? or did I miss that as well.

I hope that you expressed that, because if you didnt, and he just thought you were desperate for sex, he probably thought that everyone that persued you would just persue until you banged, and then you really didnt care about anything else.

 

If you expressed time in doing common interests, he should have least stayed around a little bit more.

We cant all pick the right ones though.

 

Yes, we did. And on the same night but prior to having sex, he actually brought up the idea of doing another specific activity we both like in the near future. So it's tough for me to think of everything that happened as just a "hit it and quit it" strategy.

 

I acknowledge what everyone is saying but because this is my first experience with such a situation, I feel really hard hit by it even though I know I should just stop thinking about it.

[ap10]

I'm in my twenties but have never really dated around. I've only had three long term monogamous relationships lasting almost four years each. In each of those, the guy was intensely interested in me from the get go and things have always progressed in such a way that I was never confused about where things were going. I ended the last relationship recently though we had both been anticipating the end for awhile. At first, I resolved to not get emotionally attached to a new person because I have never really been on my own for a significant period of time (and I realize how bad that sounds).

 

Well, I messed up already. I found myself being physically attracted to this new guy and I couldn't resist the thrill of that new attraction feeling. Going into it, I had no expectations from this due to a variety of reasons and I just wanted a pleasant distraction. He always initiated texts every day, checking up on my day and often sending the first and last texts of his day. The flirtation was intense on both ends. But even so, I initiated most in person meet ups, which I was not used to and I know made me look too desperate, but I just craved his company and attention. And he knew all too well that I was very into him.

 

Still we had a blast each time we met up and each time there was a little more physical escalation, which he always initiated (no surprise ). We also have a lot of common interests and conversation came easily. We went on six dates in a span of three weeks. Earlier this week was the first time he initiated a date which made me (a little too) happy. And yep, on this most recent date, it escalated to sex.

 

And you can guess how this story is ending up… since then, he has dropped contact. I did reach out by text two days after the deed despite all advice against it. He responded (apparently not feeling well) but the tone of his texts did not convey the same interest as before. Even though rationally, I still have no expectations and all signs point to him losing interest after sex, I'm finding it pretty hard to deal with going from him initiating contact every day to nothing. While I don't feel used because I enjoyed it, it is also hard for me to understand why he wouldn't want to see me more after giving it up. I don't view first time sex as a big deal and really wanted to actually get past all that built up tension and start to enjoy each other's company for what it is, so feeling sad that I don't seem to be getting that chance…

 

Sorry for the long post. I really just wanted to get it all off my chest. Feel free to lay your brutal feedback on me

 

Sorry to hear about this. Like others have said this can happen to both women and men.

 

I have recently been posting about my experience (i am male). The girl was all over for me for two months, initiated 90% of contact, missed me all the time. Slept with her several times. Things moved fast. We went exclusive and then she withdrew. Was still in contact daily, but didnt really see eachother properly. Then she brought up the break up chat, saying she didnt want to do it.

 

No contact rule by me and then she contacts me the next day, day after and then lastly tells me she really misses me and wants me back.

 

Basically being so into him at the start is not a problem, at least you are following your feelings and want more! If he has withdrawn from this, there is something wrong. Like my situation starts similar to you, but ends with her withdrawal and then her return to want me back. These things happen. HOWEVER if he does come back you have to be very careful as it could repeat itself. Just remember that. Right now this is happening to me and i very highly doubt that i will give in to it.

 

Like many people say when two people like each other things will just flow without major silence or any major hiccup. That is the reality. We all think like you are right now, but realise we just needed time to overcome that feeling (i am still going through it)