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my boyfriend's mom - how to prevent conflict?


Winterina

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Im in California with my boyfriend meeting and visiting his mom for the first time. We are staying at her house. She has been sort of nice to me in general BUT she keeps treating him like a child that needs to be screamed at. She snaps at him for every little thing and it pains me to watch him put his head down and just be quiet while she goes off at him. Then in the next moment everything is ok, they are laughing and talking like nothing happened. I take those things in rather than just brush them off as "oh its just the way my mother is". This is the guy that I am planning my life with and watch his mom snap at him did not convey a feeling like this is the guy I want to have childern with. It cuts his balls off.

Yesterday his mom started doing something similar to me. While we were at the restaurant I paid for the dinner (because she paid the last two times) and she went off at me how I should not be doing that because she wanted to pay and she is saving money for when her kids (mind you, my boyfriend is 38) come, etc. I understand it to an extent that she needs to feel like her kids still need her, but I am not her kid, I am 35, I pay my own bills, and do not like people talking to me like I am disobedient 5 years old. Next thing is we went to the shop and I said something about my boyfriend putting in cart 4 bottles of some sugary and unhealthy drink, so he took two bottles and returned it to the shelf... his mom's comment was "oh so she made you embarrassed and now you are putting it back?". This is from the woman who did not let him drink that stuff as a child. I did not embarrass him, nor I said anything disrespectful or in disrespectful manner - it is just that we had a deal about buying unhealthy stuff like that and I was surprised that he would pick it out. He did not notice that anything happened as he is too used to her just speaking like that to people and does not put much thought to it. He does not see anything wrong and thinks I am exaggerating. I come from different family where nobody was treating me as a child since I was a child so this is all taking so much of my emotional and mental energy, and honestly, it hurts. It hurts that I feel lonely as my boyfriend is unable to make any boundaries happen in the way his mom talks to him and now started talking to me. For him it is all normal. I am already seeing a potential of her interfering and making inappropriate comments in every future situation in our lives. I want him to grow up. His sister is coming over and she is much worse than his mom. She never thought anyone was good enough for her little brother. I am afraid to stay here and just want to go back home as I do not feel like I have anyone on my team. He wants to be understanding but he gets only a small part of what Im telling him. I want to be cool with his familiy and to feel like a part of it. I would like him and his mom to have great relationship but the one that does not imply him taking loads of crap on the account that "it has always been so and she means well". All parents mean well but that does not give them right to do some things. I know she will not change in her attitude towards him but I wish he could set some boundaries and react differently to her outbursts, especially if they are directed towards me. Just that. In my family if someone talked to me that way it means I somehow deserved it and really screwed it up. It definitely did not mean that we are going to laugh 3 minutes after that and an hour after that have the same situation again. He does not even know that he is allowing these things to affect his future and our happiness. I don't want him to create any further issues just to respectfully ask her to try and stop with some things as they are not reflecting well on him in front of his girlfriend. I want him to grow up around his mom. Also, I wish he could protect me a bit when some comments are made as I will say nothing for the sake of keeping peace but it is his mom and he should be the one to talk to her. In the meanwhile, I feel like I'm alone in the world.

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You should be careful here.

Moms have a special place in most guys lives.

It doesnt matter how old he is.

It doesnt matter how big and strong and in control the guy is.

Mothers can have a special bond that you cant compete with.

 

However you should not be taking any undeserved flack from his mom. If she yells at you, tell her that you do not want to be talked to in that way.

Stand up for yourself

You and him dont share the same kind of relationship with her

if any other altercation happens after you stand up for yourself, then its your boyfriends responsibility to stand up for you after that.

 

If you know that your BF is a strong guy outside of the relationship with his mother, you dont have to know anything else.

I'm pretty sure youre not the only one in the world with in-law probs ;)

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I'll play devils advocate for a second.

 

You don't like the fact that your 38 year old boyfriend allows himself to apparently be henpecked by his mom. You don't think he has balls and it makes you question his manhood. Fair enough.

 

But also in your post you point out that your 38 year old boyfriend does not have your permission to purchase soda and you made him put them back. One could say that his mom might have unknowingly trained him to be perfect for you.

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I'll play devils advocate for a second.

 

You don't like the fact that your 38 year old boyfriend allows himself to apparently be henpecked by his mom. You don't think he has balls and it makes you question his manhood. Fair enough.

 

But also in your post you point out that your 38 year old boyfriend does not have your permission to purchase soda and you made him put them back. One could say that his mom might have unknowingly trained him to be perfect for you.

 

 

Thanks for the opinion. Him and I had a friendly deal about eating healthy. That's different.

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You should be careful here.

Moms have a special place in most guys lives.

It doesnt matter how old he is.

It doesnt matter how big and strong and in control the guy is.

Mothers can have a special bond that you cant compete with.

 

However you should not be taking any undeserved flack from his mom. If she yells at you, tell her that you do not want to be talked to in that way.

Stand up for yourself

You and him dont share the same kind of relationship with her

if any other altercation happens after you stand up for yourself, then its your boyfriends responsibility to stand up for you after that.

 

If you know that your BF is a strong guy outside of the relationship with his mother, you dont have to know anything else.

I'm pretty sure youre not the only one in the world with in-law probs ;)

 

I agree with everything you said. I don't want to interfere into any special bonds, I would wonder about him if he did not have a bond with his mom. At the same time, the kind of care and love we receive from parents should be adjusted to our age. Otherwise, it becomes a burden for our relationships.

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Thanks for the opinion. Him and I had a friendly deal about eating healthy. That's different.

 

Yes, I might have been a bit snarky there. But, I just found that point a little amusing. I didn't mean to take anything away from your legitimate in law issues. I'm pretty sure I would have married a particular woman about 15 years ago if her sisters were not so intolerable (and close geographically). If your exposure to the potential in laws will likely be limited to a week a year, you might be able to tough it out. If it is much more than that, I would think you would need to address it somehow.

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Yes, I might have been a bit snarky there. But, I just found that point a little amusing. I didn't mean to take anything away from your legitimate in law issues. I'm pretty sure I would have married a particular woman about 15 years ago if her sisters were not so intolerable (and close geographically). If your exposure to the potential in laws will likely be limited to a week a year, you might be able to tough it out. If it is much more than that, I would think you would need to address it somehow.

 

 

Logical thinking.

 

BTW, I know post isn't about you but sorry to hear something like that can happen... my opinion is that she wasn't the one for you. If she was, she would not let anything and anyone stand between you two. There is always a way to talk nicely to your family and stay firm on some issues so they know their boundaries and that they need to have respect.

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She's grasping to try to maintain control and some role in her grown kids' lives. Mothers are often desperate in that regard.

 

Here's the thing, though. YOU cannot make him grow up. And here's why: If you do, then YOU become his other mommy and romance goes out the door and then it's you nagging him and trying to buy his love. He has to choose to grow up and he may never.

 

If he's got too much mom interaction for you, then he's not the one for you. If he doesn't ever rebel and cut the cord, he will end up with someone just like her and then his two women will be competing the rest of their natural lives. You don't need that. He either sets boundaries or he's not a man yet. Doesn't mean she doesn't get to pick up the check once in awhile, but I agree not every time.

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She's grasping to try to maintain control and some role in her grown kids' lives. Mothers are often desperate in that regard.

 

Here's the thing, though. YOU cannot make him grow up. And here's why: If you do, then YOU become his other mommy and romance goes out the door and then it's you nagging him and trying to buy his love. He has to choose to grow up and he may never.

 

If he's got too much mom interaction for you, then he's not the one for you. If he doesn't ever rebel and cut the cord, he will end up with someone just like her and then his two women will be competing the rest of their natural lives. You don't need that. He either sets boundaries or he's not a man yet. Doesn't mean she doesn't get to pick up the check once in awhile, but I agree not every time.

 

True, true... I highlighted the part I am afraid of. But to throw it all away for this? Doesn't compute either. Sh*t!!!

Guess it is the indication of character that is more disturbing for me than actual problem.

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FOUND THIS BELOW ON THE NET... plenty of articles of this kind. Seems like it is not up to me to deal with the things, but in big part up to him.

 

 

 

"I am in my twenties and have been living with my boyfriend for four years. We plan to marry but have not set the date yet. My “mother-in-law” seems to be fighting to maintain control over as much of her only son’s life as possible. All the while making me feel really left out and unimportant. What should I do?"

If something doesn’t happen soon, you will have continuing problems. This problem will not go away of its own accord. It will invade your marriage, if you get married, and if you have children your mother-in-law will interfere with you raising her son’s children.

There is nothing wrong with a man having a close relationship with his mother. Such a close relationship can be the foundation of a great respect for women and a caring and warm approach to women.

No matter what you do, your “mother-in-law” will not listen to you. Her primary relationship is with her son. It may be that she was particularly close to him. She may really like mothering. Or it may be that she has little else of importance to do. The reason for her behaviour really doesn’t matter.

You do not mention your boyfriend. He is the only one who can effectively deliver the message to his mother. He has to make it abundantly clear to her that you are the most important person in his life. He has to insist that she treat you with respect and consideration. The first time she doesn’t, he has to firmly speak to his mother about it. If she continues to be interfering or disrespectful, he has to make a choice between being loyal to you or sympathetic to his mother.

The problem is not your “mother-in-law” but with your boyfriend. It may be that he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. He may enjoy the attention and services from his mother. He may have a distorted view of respect for his mother. It may be that he hasn’t realized that his mother is treating you poorly. Again, the reason doesn’t really matter.

Sit down and talk to your boyfriend. Don’t criticize. Recognize that his mother has good points and that she cares. Lay out the facts. Make it clear that you will not be second best to his mother. If you tolerate him taking his mother’s side, you will always be in her shadow.

He has to stand up and make a clear decision. Does he want to be a “mommy’s boy” for the rest of his life or does he want to forge a relationship with a partner? He can and should love both of you. But if you are going to make a life together, you have to come first.

He has to be firm and persistent with his mother. No matter how many times it takes, he must take the lead and make certain his mother does not interfere. He does not have to be rude or inconsiderate to his mother. He can be kind but firm, but he must be absolutely unwavering.

If he says “Just be patient, she will get better” or “She is only trying to be helpful” or “You are being too sensitive” he is dead wrong.

If he hasn’t made a commitment to you, he may be unwilling to take a stand.

Be understanding that he may feel conflicted, guilty or disloyal about standing up to his mother. But don’t let him off the hook by understanding his difficulty.

You should try and make a relationship with your “mother-in-law” but try as you will, you cannot change her on your own. If he denies it is a problem or thinks it is your problem, then you have some decisions to make.

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You know... Mothers will be mothers for as long as they are alive. That's it. Very rarely the way they act towards their kids, no matter how grown up they are, will change. I'm in my late 20es, been living away from my parents since I was 18, have a job and study at the same time, etc. Yet still when I visit my parents, my mother comes around to tell me to go to bed when it's midnight, tells me to dress well not to get cold everytime, basically things she used to do when I was a kid. And it's not like she's doing it on purpose, and she doesn't treat me like a kid, but there are things that are still with her to this day coming from the fact that she's a mother. So, yeah... :D

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acrosstheuniverse

I used to have an ex that'd snap at his Mother loads into his late teens and twenties, as though he was a teenager again. I found it horribly offputting, incredibly immature and embarrassing to watch. I would feel the same about a partner taking unwarranted levels of **** from their parent as an adult too, it doesn't scream 'I've matured and grown up', it makes it look like they're unable to see past their own little unhealthy family dynamic.

 

I'm 26 and my parents would never dream of speaking to either me or my partner, whoever he is, like that. I've never been disrespected by a partner's parents either and I'm sure there'll have been times when some of them didn't like me over the years or whatever because that's just human relationships.

 

Having said that, if she really wants to pay I would let her pay, it's obviously a source of pride for her and she probably feels so helpless now her kids are older that any little thing she can do to play Mom she wants to do. I know whenever I've tried to pay for a meal with me, my bf and his parents, or my parents, I haven't been allowed. Maybe it's because they know I'm not earning loads but maybe it's also embarrassing for some parents to have their child or child's partner pick up the bill. Try paying for coffee or doing more stuff to help out around the house when you're there instead?

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Adjusting to somebody else's family dynamic can be tough. You can't tell his mother how to treat him.

 

The soda thing was a bit odd & may show that you are more like his mom then you realize. :(

 

As for your interactions with mom, just kill her with kindness. When it came to the check I would have said something along the lines of, I didn't mean to step on your toes but I wanted to treat you to dinner for graciously allowing me to stay in your home. Make it all about her.

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I used to have an ex that'd snap at his Mother loads into his late teens and twenties, as though he was a teenager again. I found it horribly offputting, incredibly immature and embarrassing to watch. I would feel the same about a partner taking unwarranted levels of **** from their parent as an adult too, it doesn't scream 'I've matured and grown up', it makes it look like they're unable to see past their own little unhealthy family dynamic.

 

I'm 26 and my parents would never dream of speaking to either me or my partner, whoever he is, like that. I've never been disrespected by a partner's parents either and I'm sure there'll have been times when some of them didn't like me over the years or whatever because that's just human relationships.

 

Having said that, if she really wants to pay I would let her pay, it's obviously a source of pride for her and she probably feels so helpless now her kids are older that any little thing she can do to play Mom she wants to do. I know whenever I've tried to pay for a meal with me, my bf and his parents, or my parents, I haven't been allowed. Maybe it's because they know I'm not earning loads but maybe it's also embarrassing for some parents to have their child or child's partner pick up the bill. Try paying for coffee or doing more stuff to help out around the house when you're there instead?

 

Did that. We both cleaned everything in the house and cooked every day. She has a cleaner coming in once a week too.

 

BUT the epilog is that I packed up, bought a ticket and went back home 10 days before we were supposed to come back. Before that I talked to my boyfriend but he had every excuse in the book for anything that his mom was doing. This is because he is too used to her way of communicating to see that it may appear as extremely off putting to other people, that it is very disrespectable to him especially in front of his girlfriend, and ultimately selfish. She should learn to adjust to his age and treat him as equal. That does not affect her love and care. But it does affect her son's happiness because this way she will drive the vedge in any relationship he has or might have in the future. I am currently considering what to do and it is not easy as he is the love of my life and I am the love of his life. We both are in our mid to late 30s. The encouraging part is that he said he never though about that in his life (as he never brought a girl home before) and now that he thought about it he can see my point. He wanted to talk to his mom but I know she will so easily manipulate him and I know she is thrilled I am gone. Like when he told her I was gone se said 'oh Im so sorry to hear that'. But that was it. She did not talk to him about it after that when she arrived home from work and he did not want to confront her (well, I told him not to upset her as I wanted him to have a good time there and not argue with his mom which would come as a shock to her if he stood up for himself for the first time ever and asked her to change). If she were really concerned about her son's happiness she would bring up the issue of his girlfriend leaving from her home and ask him about it. Instead, now they are all having a great family time together and I am thousands miles away, alone (as I moved to US just to be with him). I really do not feel like I belong with them and I am now thinking if I perhaps do not belong with him either... I love him and would do anything for him. Now I am trying to understand him and where he comes from. I do not want him to do more but set the boundaries and start feeling free from pressure to please and not piss off his mom and older sister. I would like him to open his eyes and see that he is now an adult and whatever family dynamics might have been that it has to change for the sake of his own happiness.

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My mother snaps at me sometimes she still gives me a evil eye if I order a drink with supper like im under the age limit and yes its annoying and many other things, but I keep my mouth shut because its my mom she's always there for me a lifetime of support the things she does doesnt ruin our bond, ive mentioned it but I know she wont change shes going to be the same mom shes always been.

 

You're bf is prob the same way, just dealing with it out of respect.

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Adjusting to somebody else's family dynamic can be tough. You can't tell his mother how to treat him.

 

The soda thing was a bit odd & may show that you are more like his mom then you realize. :(

 

As for your interactions with mom, just kill her with kindness. When it came to the check I would have said something along the lines of, I didn't mean to step on your toes but I wanted to treat you to dinner for graciously allowing me to stay in your home. Make it all about her.

 

 

Here we go with soda again. Just because someone points out something to remind another person about the goals they want to achieve, it does not mean they are his mom. It is also a major health hazard. That was short story.

 

Long story is that my boyfriend is drinking big bottles of gatorade every day and other sugary drinks, at the same time is unhappy that he has big belly and telling me how he has to start doing some exercise... he never did exercise part so I told him good way to start is to get rid of soda and he said ok, I will cut it down. So my comment in the supermarket was 'oh you bought this drink again, look how much sugar it has' and he then took some of it back to the shelf when his mom commented 'oh she now made you embarrassed and you are going to put it back?'. How is what I did being like his mom? Can't it just be a friend? Plus, I myself avoid eating sugar and salt for the reasons that they are number one killers. I want my boyfriend to be healthy (he is getting sick often) and am looking out for him as a friend - he cannot do it for himself, I know, he has ADD and organising things and sticking to things is hard for him to do even when he really wants it. I wish that was different - it isn't - its ok.

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Also their relationship was fine and long made before you walked into the picture I would leave it alone before you start to cause some serious friction, he will pick his mom if it comes down to the bitter end.

 

If hes got an issue with it he will deal with it on his own

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My mother snaps at me sometimes she still gives me a evil eye if I order a drink with supper like im under the age limit and yes its annoying and many other things, but I keep my mouth shut because its my mom she's always there for me a lifetime of support the things she does doesnt ruin our bond, ive mentioned it but I know she wont change shes going to be the same mom shes always been.

 

You're bf is prob the same way, just dealing with it out of respect.

 

 

Taking crap from other person out of respect, you mean? I see your point, but once you bring another person into your family and they start doing the same thing to her and it starts ruining your relationship, do you think that your mom respects you? Even without that girl, don't you think that unhealthy habits are to be broken anyway and you deserve a bit of respect? I might be coming from completely different family in that sense, my mom is a mom and a friend to me, not someone who desires to control me. She did plenty of that when I was a child and needed control. But then one day, I grew up and SHE REALISED IT.

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Honestly, you sound more controlling than his mum. Forget the soda thing. You left, demand change, and drove a wedge between him and his mother. But you are the victim here being all alone in the world?

 

 

He and his mother were doing OK before you entered the picture. And hopefully still will be after you leave him, which is what you are considering. How hard can it all be? You have to fly over to her. It is not like she lives next door. Can't you live with that for maybe 2 weekends a year?!?

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Also their relationship was fine and long made before you walked into the picture I would leave it alone before you start to cause some serious friction, he will pick his mom if it comes down to the bitter end.

 

If hes got an issue with it he will deal with it on his own

 

 

He does have an issue. The love of his life is thinking to leave him, the love of her life, because of it.

Their relationship was never fine, he just did not realise it - she chose to stay in a relationship with a man who abused her children physically. She kicked her sister out of the house at the age of 16 because that man asked her to. She chose him over her children. She is now 65 and feels bad for the things she did to them, but still, selfishness is still there as a character trait, and she still thinks of her needs before she thinks of what is it that her son needs.

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Their relationship was never fine, he just did not realise it

 

 

Thank you for pointing that out to him.

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Honestly, you sound more controlling than his mum. Forget the soda thing. You left, demand change, and drove a wedge between him and his mother. But you are the victim here being all alone in the world?

 

 

He and his mother were doing OK before you entered the picture. And hopefully still will be after you leave him, which is what you are considering. How hard can it all be? You have to fly over to her. It is not like she lives next door. Can't you live with that for maybe 2 weekends a year?!?

 

 

They were doing ok? Seriously? Imagine this: adult guy of 38 with his head down like a submissive dog while his mom is going off at him by the dinner table? Then she started doing the same to his girlfriend. Ok to you? Would you love to be in my shoes in your relationship?

I think you are projecting something here from your own experience.

Also, read one post above about their history. Give me a break.

Just because I am not putting up with things like that does not mean I am controlling. Yes, I demand things to change as I disliked watching anyone treat the man I love in that way.

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Thank you for pointing that out to him.

 

 

You are telling me that nobody ever pointed out something to someone and the other person did not go - oh my God, how come I didn't see that before?

 

Even my boyfriend sees things differently now. He was always the kid who needed to submit, ask for permissions, etc. That has to change now at the age of 38 when he is planning his own life and family... According to you not.

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They were doing ok? Seriously? Imagine this: adult guy of 38 with his head down like a submissive dog while his mom is going off at him by the dinner table? Then she started doing the same to his girlfriend. Ok to you? Would you love to be in my shoes in your relationship?

I think you are projecting something here from your own experience.

Also, read one post above about their history. Give me a break.

Just because I am not putting up with things like that does not mean I am controlling. Yes, I demand things to change as I disliked watching anyone treat the man I love in that way.

 

The man you love yet are considering leaving because you dislike his mother an her past.

 

 

I am not projecting anything really. My mum irritates me sometimes but hey, she is still my mum. I imagine when I have kids and they are grown up I will still see them as little kids and get revenge on my mum by proxy by irritating my own kids. It is the circle of life.

 

 

I admit I would not have liked what happened either. You weren't there when his sister was kicked out, and she is sorry. I would not judge her for it or go with what my partner thinks of it.

 

 

And her telling you and your BF off. I would suck it up and hold my tongue and know this is something I will rarely have to deal with since she lives far away. That's also how you avoid conflict because you don't mess with family relations.

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The man you love yet are considering leaving because you dislike his mother an her past.

 

 

I am not projecting anything really. My mum irritates me sometimes but hey, she is still my mum. I imagine when I have kids and they are grown up I will still see them as little kids and get revenge on my mum by proxy by irritating my own kids. It is the circle of life.

 

 

I admit I would not have liked what happened either. You weren't there when his sister was kicked out, and she is sorry. I would not judge her for it or go with what my partner thinks of it.

 

 

And her telling you and your BF off. I would suck it up and hold my tongue and know this is something I will rarely have to deal with since she lives far away. That's also how you avoid conflict because you don't mess with family relations.

 

 

She is judged for the thigns she had done even without me. It is not a just a mistake kicking your kid out of family home for the sake of a man who was beating her and pushed her down the stairs. Great mom.

She is still selfish.

And I do not want my bf to do more than set boundaries. Thats all. Love and care has to exist on both ends as they are parent and child but respect has to exist also from both ends.

And if you think it is just a few weekeneds a year you are dead wrong. We were gone off to see her for 20 days. It is likely that some 10 days a year will be spend together again. That is a month dealing with dynamics like that. And that is of course not all. Moms and kids call each other often, talk often... they are always in our lives. And that is how it should be. But with respect for your kids, their needs, their partners and their place in their kids lives. One day as a mom you have to understand that you are no longer the most important woman in your little boy's life and let go and let your relationship take its natural turn where your son is adult with his own priorities. You have to stop treating him a kid.

Honestly, even if this means I am horrible, I would not live with a guy who sees his mom's needs and his mom as a number one woman in his life. The only people I would love him to put ahead of me and my needs is our possible future kids. Not his mom. Imagine having kids with a guy whose mom rules his life? How would his kids perceive their dad who is being treated by his mom in accordance with her impulses? Etc... I am thinking ahead, I know, but I have to consider these things as we had a plan to live together and maybe one day have family.

Here is the funny part: if his mom treated me and my bf and our relationship with respect, I would definitely want to spend time with her, would mean the world of her and become her best friend probably... I wanted to have that or anything close to that, or at least respectable relationship. I would myself do anything for her....

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