Chalkdust89 Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Hi everyone! I know this is something I shouldn't be concerned about because it happened in the past, but there is something bugging me. My new boyfriend and I are 6 years apart (I'm 25, he's 31), and I mentioned that this was the biggest age gap I've ever had in a relationship so it might take some getting used to on my end. In an effort to make me feel better, he told me that this was nothing; his last girlfriend (who he dated for 2 years and broke up with 6 months ago) was 9 years younger than him! I know a lot of people say "age is just a number", but for some reason it really bothers me that he would date someone that young. At the start of the relationship, he was 29 and she was 20. Basically a teenager! I just think it's really gross. Maybe if she was 30 and he was 39, it would be different, but at this age the gap seems really huge (even if she was "really smart for her age"). He said his friends told him he was crazy because they were at totally different points in their lives, and she broke up with him because things "weren't working out". He thought it was annoying that she was very inexperienced and basically wanted him to make all the decisions and show her how to do everything. Of course she was inexperienced; she was 20! I didn't ask for any details at all, but he told me because he thought it would make me feel better about the age difference. I told him it didn't. It actually made me feel a little creeped out and (I didn't tell him this part) a little less attracted to him sexually. I don't know. I'm hoping someone can say something that will make me feel less uncomfortable with the idea. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. Especially the fact that she basically wanted him to control everything for her...it just seems kind of creepy to me. Link to post Share on other sites
CharlieFox Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Especially the fact that she basically wanted him to control everything for her...it just seems kind of creepy to me. What do you find creepy about that? It's a 20 year old inexperienced and probably insecure girl. Do you want him to do the same for you or..? If you don't, and he pretty much said he found that annoying, then what's the problem with that? I don't think you should worry that much about his previous girlfriend, your whole post is basically about her, you're giving her too much thought I think... I always got the impression that younger girls like her are always attracted to older men. In my social circles, almost all the girls were running after guys ~10 years older than them, if not more. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chalkdust89 Posted July 24, 2014 Author Share Posted July 24, 2014 I know girls are attracted to older guys. It's creepy to me that he reciprocated and was in such a dominant, controlling position. I know he said he wasn't in to it, but he didn't really do anything about it either. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 I understand why you're uncomfortable. You have to wonder: does he have a pattern of dating younger women because he wants someone who he thinks will be easier to control? It is a bit strange that a person nearly 30 would date someone barely in their 20s....I have found that people who tend to date younger are shy of serious commitment and find that younger women are less likely to pressure them for marriage/babies and all that. Especially at 31 - lot sof women his age would be getting ready to settle down and have that expectation. Do you think he's shy of commitment? If he was into control, you would know that already - if you think about how he behaves with you. Do you get that feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
CharlieFox Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Well, when you put it like that, dominant and controlling might sound very differently from what it might have been. You mentioned that she wanted him to make all the decisions and show her how to do everything, which doesn't necessarily sound dominant and controlling as in a creepy way. In a relationship between a 20 year old girl and a 29 year old man, that's sounds quite normal. How does he treat you in this relationship? Isn't this what's more important? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Some twenty year olds are more mature than others. the different life stage aspects of this could be a bit awkward. I dated a man 11 years my senior when I was 19. Keep repeating your mantra: Age is just a #. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Age isn't just a number for me. I have seen a 55 y old dating a 40 years old. It was fine when they met. Now the gap is showing, and I am not talking about the physical aspect of things only. Link to post Share on other sites
isisisweeping Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Some twenty year olds are more mature than others. the different life stage aspects of this could be a bit awkward. I dated a man 11 years my senior when I was 19. Keep repeating your mantra: Age is just a #. I married a man 11 years older than me when I was 19. It doesn't sound like it was a "pattern." It sounds like it was a singular relationship. If it were a pattern, it *might* make more sense to be worried about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 I married a man 11 years older than me when I was 19. It doesn't sound like it was a "pattern." It sounds like it was a singular relationship. If it were a pattern, it *might* make more sense to be worried about. There is nothing wrong with this HOWEVER it does tell you something about the individuals involved and what they are looking for (at the time at least). As we age our desires can change too... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
isisisweeping Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 There is nothing wrong with this HOWEVER it does tell you something about the individuals involved and what they are looking for (at the time at least). As we age our desires can change too... Not in an individual relationship. An individual relationship can just tell you two people got on well despite age... A pattern might say something, or targeted pursuit, but you'd need more information than ages in ONE of a person's relationships to say anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 When I was 31, I dated a 20 year old. I was hardly in a "dominant, controlling position." She was very intelligent and mature for her age. She was actually more mature than I was in several areas, and had more relationship experience than I did. Age does not determine the dynamics of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Not in an individual relationship. An individual relationship can just tell you two people got on well despite age... A pattern might say something, or targeted pursuit, but you'd need more information than ages in ONE of a person's relationships to say anything. That's true. My ex is twelve years younger than me. She was just somebody I clicked with before I knew her age. An age difference may not "mean" anything. Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 When I was in my early 20s I had a relationship with a man in his mid 30s. My dad didn't like it.. It was pretty serious and lasted a few years. I outgrew him. I don't think it's automatically creepy unless (as others have said) it's a pattern or the guy puts down women who are his own age Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 I always had a thing for guys older than me. When I was 23 I dated a 34 yo. My current bf is 10 years older than me. I don't think it's a big deal.. Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Absolutely everything seems to be 'creepy' these days. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 It's easy to jude, our society has raised us a such. If you're on the same page/level as someone age doesn't matter. My former roommate was dating a 19 year old when he was 26. I totally thought he was robbing the cradle but once I hung out with them it hit me that they were on the same level, seldom did I notice an age difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 It's gross when you are not him or her... I mean it's gross to the outsider when you see a guy with a girl 10 years younger or girl with a guy 10 years younger You will think it's gross. But what they feel is real and we have no right to judge them 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 When I was 36 I went out with a 21 year-old. He is a great guy and we are still in touch to this day. It seems both him and I survived it unscathed 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Well, I don't really have much to offer you in the way of advice given that I just recently found out my current's ex is just now barely 18. And when I say "barely" I mean he's not quite sure if she's even had her 18th birthday yet . He's 23!!!! It's gross and disgusting IMO and it really irritated me to hear that because wtf is a grown man in his 20s doing with a literal girl that age!? She couldn't have been more than 15 when they met..... Because this info is so new to me I can't give you some pretty words about how you'll eventually get over it or something because I'm still at the point where I think he's practically a predator. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
iiiii Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Like another poster said, if he exclusively looks to date women far younger because he feels he can control them or because he is so superficial he can't be attracted to women his own age, then yes that would be a problem for me. If it's one relationship with someone of a different age... I'd say give him a break! It's perfectly possible to "click" with someone of a different age to yourself, and date them (or try to) despite their age. I also think it's very relevant that he says she wanted to be controlled, and he didn't like that. That sounds like he's actually a very decent guy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chalkdust89 Posted July 25, 2014 Author Share Posted July 25, 2014 Thank you to everyone who answered. Big age differences are not that common where I'm from...when I was 20 and much older guys would hit on me or show interest, I always thought they had ulterior motives. You're right, he said it was annoying to him that he needed to do everything for her. However, he has also mentioned more than once that it is really important for him to feel needed/important. I was raised to be very independent and have already told him no a few times when he tried to do things for me or when he wanted to hang out when I had schoolwork to do, which I think really bruised his ego. He said he likes the fact that I'm independent and really wants an equal partnership, but I have a feeling he is so used to being in control (I don't mean that in an aggressive way, by the way) that he has to adjust to someone actually making decisions with him and disagreeing. Maybe he really did like having a young, impressionable, insecure girlfriend who always agreed with everything he said because it made him feel important and he was always the one to help her with things. It is really surprising to me that he needs so much validation but I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 I personally don't think the 6 years between you and your bf is that large. Actually it's pretty normal. Link to post Share on other sites
littleplanet Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Thank you to everyone who answered. Big age differences are not that common where I'm from...when I was 20 and much older guys would hit on me or show interest, I always thought they had ulterior motives. You're right, he said it was annoying to him that he needed to do everything for her. However, he has also mentioned more than once that it is really important for him to feel needed/important. I was raised to be very independent and have already told him no a few times when he tried to do things for me or when he wanted to hang out when I had schoolwork to do, which I think really bruised his ego. He said he likes the fact that I'm independent and really wants an equal partnership, but I have a feeling he is so used to being in control (I don't mean that in an aggressive way, by the way) that he has to adjust to someone actually making decisions with him and disagreeing. Maybe he really did like having a young, impressionable, insecure girlfriend who always agreed with everything he said because it made him feel important and he was always the one to help her with things. It is really surprising to me that he needs so much validation but I don't know. Quite an astute summary. One of the most distinct yardsticks to measure maturity by - is independence. Not necessarily indifference....... I was always prone to measuring people (and especially at young ages) by how willing they were to fight for their own independence. And understanding that freedom does come with a cost. So in the evolution of a person's life....these things make a difference in our relationships. Perhaps your boyfriend's earlier relationship is just a step along the road. Any particular age difference, or choice....is not always a conscious decision. Laws of attraction are all over the map. It is after a certain level of maturity is reached, that we begin to narrow down the desired parameters, in what we look for in a partner. But one must be careful these days with the low end of the scale. It is true enough that in this day and age, many young people have not achieved any real independent lifestyle until after they are done with their schooling......and this can often stretch well into their mid to late twenties. But this doesn't mean that they're not adults. We don't want to get carried away with convincing ourselves that the thirties are the "new" twenties. Otherwise, we've surrendered a whole decade of adult life to some weird backward ageist deflation. And frankly, life's too short for that, as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
readynow Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 There's a very wide age gap between my bf and I going up to the high teens. For me, 9 years is absolutely nothing. Also, I think age gaps depend on the actual age. A 15yr old girl dating a 24yr old man is a problem for me but a 40yr old dating a 49yr old isn't. A little about my situation, my bf's past exs were around the same age (this is the largest age gap for him) but mine were always older (from 1yr - 20years) With my bf, he doesn't have a dominant or controlling bone in him, bless him. I'm the dominant, feisty one. The only controlling relationship I've been in has been with a man 1yr older than myself. Being controlling has nothing to do with age but with the person themselves. Like someone else said here, people on the outside can be grossed out by it, it's what the actual partners think that matters and so if you are grossed out by it, it might be best to start to end the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hasaquestion Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 My parents are 15 years apart. Been together since '85. My old man must be a scumbag. Mind blown:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
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