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Are these flags or am I overthinking?


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First off I feel stupid for making this thread, but I really can’t figure this girl out who I have been dating for 2 months. Met this girl in May, slept together that same night. In the first 3 weeks of the relationship we spent more time together than we did apart, often spending the night at her place. I’m 23, she is turning 23.

 

Anyways, here are where the questions pop up for me. Sorry a lot of **** to read, but tbh I feel all of it is relevant..

 

 

She had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship 3 months ago, and before that was in a 4 year relationship throughout high school. From the sounds of it she had actually been checked out of her relationship for a long time, and said within a week she was pretty much over it. She had dated around quite a bit and had a few guys messaging her while we were first hanging out, which she ended on her own accord because she was into me only. I was worried that this was just a rebound, but after bringing up that I didn’t want to rush into things/worried about how fast everything was moving, she assured me that it wasn’t and that she had been checked out of her relationship for awhile. Also the fact that she had seen some other guys since her last relationship made me feel a little better about the situation.

 

From the very beginning she seemed extremely into me. Often making jokes about “if/when I fall in love with her” or if I’d say something like “I like you” she’d be all “only like though?”. First time I met her mom was on a trip I went with the both of them shortly after we made it exclusive. While we were there her mom was joking about grandchildren and ever since then my gf often brings it up almost as if she’s throwing out “feelers”. Like “ughh my mom keeps bugging me about wanting grandchildren”, "isn't it funny how she said that" or she’ll tell me how she always planned on having kids at around this age.

 

She also needs to move out of her apartment pretty soon and find a new place. She hinted quite a bit that she’s not sure what she wants to do, and that her friends want to move out too but she doesn’t know. Until finally she asked me if I would be willing to move out with her in a couple months. She says she's not sure if she would be able to afford living on her own, and committing to a year of living on her own may not be smart if we eventually want to move in together down the road anyways. And as for moving out with her friends, she says the lack of privacy would be annoying if I stayed over. I plan on getting my own place soon too, and she says that in her last relationship she ended up staying over at her bfs more often than not, and disliked the fact that everything was “his” even though she eventually moved in with him. Says she doesn’t want that again.

 

 

She’ll often tell me when other guys are hitting on her at a club or when she’s out with friends. She’s called me a couple times while she’s been out from the bathroom saying how some guy was hitting on her and she “needed to get away”. She also just recently told me that her ex didn’t show her very much attention and he pretty much never went out with her when she went to the club, but while she was out guys would often hit on her and she felt guilty but she said she liked the attention and would talk to them because of it. I told her that that raised some questions for me, and she said she won’t be like that now because she is dating someone who actually wants to do stuff with her. Part of me is like, well I guess this is understandable because her bf would never do anything with her/show her attention so it felt good when she did get it. But another part of me almost takes it as sort of a threat…like hey, if you don’t show me enough attention I can easily get it elsewhere. Another sign she is the attention type is the amount of selfies she has on her phone/pictures on Facebook.. well over 1000. And she’ll often send me pictures of herself showing me new outfits and what not. And she has some health issues (frequent headaches/upset stomach) that she is not hesitant to tell me about whenever she gets them..

 

 

Having said all that, she has told me that this feels different than how she has felt with anyone else. That I am already making her a better person. We are super comfortable around each other and have a blast when we are together. Although she seems sincere when she says these things, I’m worried that she is trying to force these feelings. Also worried that I’m just the new guy that’s showing her all this attention that she clearly never got in her last relationship, and in a couple months when she’s ready she’ll be over it. Also the whole “kids” thing and talking about the future, seems rushed.

 

But then, she’s talking about wanting to move in together, she texts me all the time etc.. I’m working away right now on night shift and she’ll literally stay up with me sacrificing her sleep to talk to me, and we’ve literally done that pretty much every night I’ve been here, mostly her suggesting we Skype. Tells me how excited she is to see me etc. And her dating experience says that she seems to know what she wants. The fact that she has slept with other guys/had other guys who have clearly been interested in her and she stopped contact with them once she started seeing me.. I feel like she could be out clubbing and talking to guys while I’m out here, but instead she’s up with me every night, has went out with my friends even a couple times and called me/texted me/snapchatted me throughout the whole night. She's also met my family and we have plans to go on vacation with them later next month.

 

Yet somehow it still feels slightly forced.

 

I just can’t figure out if I’m getting myself into trouble or if this is a good thing that’s happening. Is she just a relationship type? Or am I just someone to make her feel good for awhile? I fear I've made myself seem too available to her now and she's just using me for the attention (possibly without realizing it).

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Terrorblade

I am going through the exact opposite of what you are. There are people who stay AWAY from relationships (which is a defence mechanism against being hurt) and some people love to RUSH into relationships (to not be alone).

Anyway, I was with a girl who was too much into me from the start. She wanted me to profess my love for her pretty soon. Even though I did like her, I realised it later that she was quite insecure about her looks and required some sort of validation from other people.

Maybe you can have a chat with this girl.. tell her that rushing into a relationship is bad for both of you (and believe me when I say that it can cause some serious resentment issues).

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There are risks dating someone so fresh out of a LTR. Instead of going through the healing process, she jumps into a relationship to fill the void of what she has lost. Insecure? I would say so if she is already hinting for you two to move in together, and her sacrificing sleep to chat with you. It's a bit obsessive yes. I would say your gut is right, it is too forced. You could end up being a rebound. Emotionally she may not see it happening.....yet, but it's a strong possibility it will. Don't move in with her, that would be a huge mistake. I'm not sure how she's going to handle it but you need to express your concerns and talk it out with her.

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I know it's so easy to get caught up in a whirl wind relationship, but at least you know something isn't feeling right and you need to get some perspective. best of luck

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She's on a bit of an accelerated time table. You have only been dating 2 months & you are in your early 20s. I think it would be a bad idea to move in together, especially if she has never lived outside mom & dad's house before. She should get an apartment with her GFs 1st. There will be enough privacy behind closed doors. The mother pushing grandchildren this early is also too much IMO.

 

I'd say the flags you see are yellow caution signs so pay attention to them.

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Dating for 2 months.

Just got out of a 5 year relationship.

Attention seeking.

Talking consistently about having kids.

Wants to move in with you.

I didn't even read the rest.

 

PUT THE BRAKES ON THIS RELATIONSHIP.

 

Seriously, she needs to respect that you need to go at a certain pace. She's already trying to corner you in. And that's only happening because YOU have allowed it.

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I just get the impression that she is scared of losing you and wants to get further in, in hopes that she will feel more secure. All the talk about moving in, having kids, etc... she wants to make sure you are committed to her.

 

So I wouldn't bail on her. But I also wouldn't let her pressure or push you into moving faster than you are comfortable with.

 

Tell her that you are really enjoying getting to know her and look forward to what is coming next, and keep finding creative ways to say that, so that she knows how you are feeling and doesn't get anxious about things possibly ending.

 

But also tell her that two months is too early to talk about moving in together and that she should get an apartment with her gfs. Tell her that if she signs a year lease and plans change, that you will figure it out together.

 

When she's talking about kids, she may just be prodding you for your take on having kids. Have you told her whether you want kids, and if so, when you see yourself having them? That may be enough to shut that down.

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Oh and the talking about other guys is just a not-so-subtle reminder that she has other options. Again, that's insecurity talking. She is trying to inspire you to grab onto her and not let go.

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todreaminblue

the fact is you are feeling rushed and you need to slow it down,if she truly does care about you for the right reasons she will slow it down, if a girl is just into you for attention then it doesn't matter which guy gives it,girls who like attention from guys only would logically prefer to stay single and play the field, when a woman gets attention from men on a regular basis you dont really need to look for attention, it happens naturally and you dont need a boyfriend to provide attention....you would just prefer it to be that guy you care about who does give you the attention you need to feel satisfied.....

 

so i would assume her feelings and intentions towards you are ones for a long lasting relationship,if you dont feel comfortable with the pace or progression of your relationship be honest and let her know, if she cares she will want to go at the pace you are comfortable with...speaking as a woman who does get attention from men.....doesnt mean i would ever be unfaithful to a guy i cared about...i believe part of my attraction to the opposite sex is because i have a carign loyal nature......and i listen to them ...that sit....h as nothing to do with my looks with nice guys ....except for unwanted attention from not so nice guys which is about a size k rack and i can normally tell when that is what a guy is interested in their eyes seem to gravitate....still doesnt mean i would consider infidelity as something i would participate in no matter what anothers guys attentions are trying to achieve..........good luck with your relationship i hope you find happiness in it...deb

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