Jump to content

GF Strange Habits - Talking to Ex


longjohn

Recommended Posts

I know I've posted similar previously and I apologize for rehashing but trying to get some additional perspective on this. I'm in a relationship that's a few months old. We are exclusive and have been early in. I'm still trying to figure things out in this relationship. Am I over analyzing?

 

 

 

Early in my gf had some strange habits which I've questioned her on to try and understand. I'll be honest and say I didn't believe her answers.

  • She'd be up all hours online - cant sleep
  • On Facebook at all hours and hit it the second she got a message - bored
  • Take her phone to the bathroom repeatedly - didn't want to appear uninterested in me
  • Got a few odd texts and racy pictures that feel like they were meant for someone else - assured they where for me

We've been seeing more and more of each other so she's no longer up all night on FB (she could be I don't know) but is up at night at times. We had a discussion recently where I asked she remove her ex bf from facebook which she did. However I've also noticed something very interesting. Since she dumped him off facebook her facebook activity has hit near zero. Previously she'd hit it every 30 minutes or when she got a message. Now it's hours apart even an entire day offline? She did go back to hiding in the bathroom with her phone right after she dumped the ex on facebook which I asked about again and was told it was habit? I don't believe it to be honest. My gut and her actions is saying she's talking to her ex. He has made it clear he wants her back. She says she'd never go back.

 

I was in a relationship in the past where I was lied to repeatedly and cheated in the end. Therefore I now tend to pay very close attention to a partners actions more so than their words. I should note this is my first serious relationship since I left my ex many years ago therefore my judgment could be clouded by the past?

 

I've this flip flopping feeling that she's telling the truth then I've a feeling she's lying. I can't seem to tell the difference. When I'm with her which is often it's fine as she's stopped the bathroom phone thing since I brought it up yet again. I'm confused to put it lightly by this behavior and on a knife edge as to wither I should remain and ride it out in the event I'm over analyzing things. :confused:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Seriously, drop her. Her actions are not trustworthy. Chances are she is just going to try and hide her behavoir from you better.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You say she's not on FB all night....hah there is nothing stopping her from opening up a different account fool.

 

Like I always say if it doesn't feel right, it's not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Seriously, drop her. Her actions are not trustworthy. Chances are she is just going to try and hide her behavoir from you better.

That's what I originally thought too.. then thought no I should be a man and be up front and honest and ask her what's going on. I'd be lying if I didn't say I think she's hiding something.

Link to post
Share on other sites
littleplanet

Howdy Longjohn,

 

I recall the previous thread about this a while back.

 

 

My instant response to this now, is that she needs to know that you need to know the truth.

A litany of accusations about cheat / intent to cheat can make for bad relations. Defensive and hurtful.

 

This is a strange one. It isn't that she isn't responding to your requests. She is. But apparently not in as completely a way as you'd like.

That may have as much to do with your past....as with hers.

 

On the other hand: it strikes me that sometimes....people aren't ready to completely let go of an ex, even though they don't want them back.

This can happen when a breakup is not done in anger and disgust....but is put through because both parties, although loving and caring about each other, know that they're not a good fit. (for a long term realtionship.)

So there can still be an emotional attachment.

That doesn't require physical affection.

(It is not always about addictions to physicality!)

 

This is the strange part. A person can be faithful in all the ways that matter the most......yet still retain an emotional connection.

I've experienced this myself - and in other couples as well.

No hanky panky, no running around, no wish to be with any other than who they're with.......

But there has to be honest dialogue about it.

 

A little story which may illuminate:

 

Two of my best friends are in a band of mine.

He's my guitar player, she's my drummer.

They've been together for three years, and planning to get married some day.

About nine months ago, their relationship hit a bit of a skid - largely his fault. He was ignoring her far too much. Especially after blowups. I knew all about it because I talk to them both.

One night I showed up for a rehearsal. He was there, she wasn't.

He was furious. He'd caught her cheating.

By text.

(He'd read her messages while she was asleep.)

 

She'd been talking to an old friend she'd known from childhood.

So I asked her about it.

She admitted that some of her friend's texts had been out of line.

But each time he'd done that...she had just ignored the messages...blew it off.

The distance between those texts.....and any real intent to cheat (for her) was as far away as in some alternate universe.

But I knew that. Her finance didn't.

 

So I confronted him. About why those texts were happening in the first place. About the difference between how he read the evidence, and what was really going on (and what wasn't.)

Time went by. He cooled down.

They're both fine now.

 

The point being: that behaviour with a phone isn't always what we expect it to mean.

Sometimes life throws us curves, in which we must examine in our own hearts how "true" we need someone to be. And why.

The obvious conditions for fidelity apply. That's a given.

But, what else do we own?

 

I myself, have lived for many long years within a faithful relationship. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yet both of us have powerful feelings for other very significant people.

That never meant wanting to jump other bones..........

 

You see - this was never the weakness in our relationship.

On the contrary.....it was its greatest strength.

 

Like building up a mansion on good foundation. No tremors cause a fall.

 

And yes......I still send two or three letters a year to my very first girlfriend. Which get replies back.

Any urge on either side to renew affiliations otherwise? No.

Not even pictures.

We remember each other as we were.

That past is safely contained in distant memory.

It cannot be brought forward into the present.

Knowing that makes all the difference in the world.

 

Important: these aren't furtive clandestine communications. These are open letters. About very powerful primal memories. When we were very young.

 

And the significance of it? The twinkle in my missus' eyes when she discovers that I'm not just a boring open book......some little bit of mystery still abides.

(and the same for me) :D

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
That's what I originally thought too.. then thought no I should be a man and be up front and honest and ask her what's going on. I'd be lying if I didn't say I think she's hiding something.

 

All this talking and confronting and you're still in the same position. Ask her what's going on and she'll give you some story and you'll believe it. Then she'll run back into the bathroom every 30 minutes with her phone and you'll be back here repeating the same story.

 

I don't know of anyone that takes their phone into the bathroom unless they're trying to hide something. The only person I know who has done this is an ex and while he said he was answering work emails, he was 1) cheating 2) didn't want me to have any possible access to his phone while he was doing his business.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Howdy Longjohn,

 

I recall the previous thread about this a while back.

 

 

My instant response to this now, is that she needs to know that you need to know the truth.

A litany of accusations about cheat / intent to cheat can make for bad relations. Defensive and hurtful.

 

This is a strange one. It isn't that she isn't responding to your requests. She is. But apparently not in as completely a way as you'd like.

That may have as much to do with your past....as with hers.

Thanks for the response it does give me yet another perspective to look at it from. However if I'm asking her openly and directly a question and being told "I'm bored" or "I cant' sleep" or "It's habit" it isn't confidence building or doing anything to build trust. I don't in particular suspect she's cheating. However she is up to something and I've tried a number of times to get an honest answer and failed. It's quite confusing for me as her actions when I'm with her without a doubt suggest she wants the relationship. Then she does some of the above which causes me to pause and think.. how can you say this then do that?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
All this talking and confronting and you're still in the same position. Ask her what's going on and she'll give you some story and you'll believe it. Then she'll run back into the bathroom every 30 minutes with her phone and you'll be back here repeating the same story.

 

I don't know of anyone that takes their phone into the bathroom unless they're trying to hide something. The only person I know who has done this is an ex and while he said he was answering work emails, he was 1) cheating 2) didn't want me to have any possible access to his phone while he was doing his business.

I have to agree. I'm not getting anywhere by being honest and direct with her. I too know no one that takes their phone into the bathroom like that. However that's stopped.. then again for how long? I'm not doing that anymore. I'd be insane to kept doing the same exact thing hoping for a different outcome.

 

This is very confusing to say the least. Her actions while I'm with her are that of someone that wants to be with me. Then at times she does the whole phone thing either in the bathroom or a lot of texting yet on her phone are only texts to me and her mother. I'll admit I feel like I should have said nothing early on and either caught her in a lie. I'm starting to feel "doing the right thing" was the wrong thing and allowed her to cover her tracks.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

This can happen when a breakup is not done in anger and disgust....but is put through because both parties, although loving and caring about each other, know that they're not a good fit. (for a long term realtionship.)

So there can still be an emotional attachment.

That doesn't require physical affection.

(It is not always about addictions to physicality!)

Funny you say that. From what I understand her breakup with her ex was mutual without any major anger involved. He's made it very clear he wants her back. Which is exactly why I asked her to dump him off facebook. She was defensive about the request at first but later complied. She has and still does talk about him from time to time in the sense that "her old roommate did x,y or z" which I know was her ex.

Link to post
Share on other sites
littleplanet
Thanks for the response it does give me yet another perspective to look at it from. However if I'm asking her openly and directly a question and being told "I'm bored" or "I cant' sleep" or "It's habit" it isn't confidence building or doing anything to build trust. I don't in particular suspect she's cheating. However she is up to something and I've tried a number of times to get an honest answer and failed. It's quite confusing for me as her actions when I'm with her without a doubt suggest she wants the relationship. Then she does some of the above which causes me to pause and think.. how can you say this then do that?

 

 

 

The degree of subtlety here is a puzzler. You don't in particular suspect she's cheating, yet she is up to something.

The question is, what is she up to?

(And whatever that is......why?)

 

Perhaps the real point here is - as you say - something in her behaviour is not conducive to building trust.

The fact that her actions confuse you - should be of concern to her, if in fact it is her wish to build a strong relationship.

Her actions when she's with you convince you of this................

yet what happens when she's not with you?

 

Is she perhaps susceptible to downswings on her own? (Or - when you are asleep and she is awake.)

If she does not exhibit any dissatisfaction with you or act in any way when with you that she would rather be with someone else - then this does strongly suggest that she accepts you. As far as that goes.

(and this may be farther than you think.)

Which poses an interesting question:

Is this perhaps the behaviour of a troubled soul whose trouble is not thoughts of cheating at all.....but in fact - something other?

Something I could imagine might be quite difficult to talk about.

 

Boredom....can't sleep......force of habit.......

are all things intensely personal, and not necessarily governed by the conditions of a relationship per se.

 

I recall when younger.....I quite often used to wake up in the middle of the night and get out of bed, leaving my partner.

I would read, write, work on songs....sometimes go for solitary walks....a restlessness that I had to settle in those ways.

However, this never led to suspicions. It was accepted as the way I am.

I still do these things.....(just not as frequently or flamboyantly!)

Or.......with the same sense of troubled thoughts.

Initially, yes - my partner did think my actions were something to do with dissatisfaction with her.

But I was able to convince her of the actual truth, over time.

That I had been that way since childhood (minus the midnight strolls!)

 

What my mum used to describe as "fey."(and understood as such.)

 

The partner for a time, just thought it was weird. But that was a long time ago. She knows me infinitely better now. Though previous relationships didn't fare as well. (insecurities played a big part in that.)

And yes - back in the pre-internet days, I do recall - sometimes those middle of the night wakings involved conversations by phone.

(Musician friends are often wakeful at those times.)

 

I guess the point I'm getting at - certain times when this restlessness involved a particular kind of feeling.....almost of lonliness......but not the kind where one is conscious of reaching out to someone else instead of that significant other......but more of a supplemental condition - where you know that no one single person can absorb every single need we have of human contact, communication, thoughts, ideas.....

The difference was always of huge importance to me.

And of course, we're not all built that way.

 

I'll elaborate here: You don't want to inundate someone you live with - with every single ounce of human contact that you're capable of. It's just too bloody much. (At least I think so.)

 

But bringing it all back home. This is all fine when trust is established. And a relationship is truly secure. And of course, that requires consistent behaviour.

So of course - if she is confusing you, she needs to un-confuse you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
littleplanet
Funny you say that. From what I understand her breakup with her ex was mutual without any major anger involved. He's made it very clear he wants her back. Which is exactly why I asked her to dump him off facebook. She was defensive about the request at first but later complied. She has and still does talk about him from time to time in the sense that "her old roommate did x,y or z" which I know was her ex.

 

 

Ah.

The sticky wicket.

A potential condition most foul.

If this doesn't work out, perhaps I can always land upright back in the previous trampoline.

 

A softer landing than upon the hard brick of solitude.

Understandable, but entirely outside of the rules of a fair game.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The degree of subtlety here is a puzzler. You don't in particular suspect she's cheating, yet she is up to something.

The question is, what is she up to?

(And whatever that is......why?)

 

Perhaps the real point here is - as you say - something in her behaviour is not conducive to building trust.

The fact that her actions confuse you - should be of concern to her, if in fact it is her wish to build a strong relationship.

Her actions when she's with you convince you of this................

yet what happens when she's not with you?

 

Is she perhaps susceptible to downswings on her own? (Or - when you are asleep and she is awake.)

If she does not exhibit any dissatisfaction with you or act in any way when with you that she would rather be with someone else - then this does strongly suggest that she accepts you. As far as that goes.

(and this may be farther than you think.)

Which poses an interesting question:

Is this perhaps the behaviour of a troubled soul whose trouble is not thoughts of cheating at all.....but in fact - something other?

Something I could imagine might be quite difficult to talk about.

 

Boredom....can't sleep......force of habit.......

are all things intensely personal, and not necessarily governed by the conditions of a relationship per se.

 

I recall when younger.....I quite often used to wake up in the middle of the night and get out of bed, leaving my partner.

I would read, write, work on songs....sometimes go for solitary walks....a restlessness that I had to settle in those ways.

However, this never led to suspicions. It was accepted as the way I am.

I still do these things.....(just not as frequently or flamboyantly!)

Or.......with the same sense of troubled thoughts.

Initially, yes - my partner did think my actions were something to do with dissatisfaction with her.

But I was able to convince her of the actual truth, over time.

That I had been that way since childhood (minus the midnight strolls!)

 

What my mum used to describe as "fey."(and understood as such.)

 

The partner for a time, just thought it was weird. But that was a long time ago. She knows me infinitely better now. Though previous relationships didn't fare as well. (insecurities played a big part in that.)

And yes - back in the pre-internet days, I do recall - sometimes those middle of the night wakings involved conversations by phone.

(Musician friends are often wakeful at those times.)

 

I guess the point I'm getting at - certain times when this restlessness involved a particular kind of feeling.....almost of lonliness......but not the kind where one is conscious of reaching out to someone else instead of that significant other......but more of a supplemental condition - where you know that no one single person can absorb every single need we have of human contact, communication, thoughts, ideas.....

The difference was always of huge importance to me.

And of course, we're not all built that way.

 

I'll elaborate here: You don't want to inundate someone you live with - with every single ounce of human contact that you're capable of. It's just too bloody much. (At least I think so.)

 

But bringing it all back home. This is all fine when trust is established. And a relationship is truly secure. And of course, that requires consistent behaviour.

So of course - if she is confusing you, she needs to un-confuse you.

A theory I've had and it's just a theory is that she was thrashing back and forth with her ex for sometime over facebook. Maybe even talking to a friend/family too attempting to figure out what to do next. Go all in with me and toss the ex or ex's or try to maintain both. Like I said just a theory but would explain a lot.

 

 

When I'm not with her I'm fine, I don't believe she with anyone else or would be with anyone else after we agreed to be exclusive. She has been awake at night while I was sleeping. I understand she has some issues she's not yet talked about with me in detail e.g. financial.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ah.

The sticky wicket.

A potential condition most foul.

If this doesn't work out, perhaps I can always land upright back in the previous trampoline.

 

A softer landing than upon the hard brick of solitude.

Understandable, but entirely outside of the rules of a fair game.

She maintains there's no interest in the ex yet she talks about him far too much for me to be comfortable about it. I did tell her that I didn't like how she'd defend him when I poked fun at him a few times to test her responses. It told me she still cares about this person. However after she dumped him off facebook. I reminded her that she had to make a choice between the past and present and to be honest with me. I did notice her ex posted a rant about how woman are x,y and z a few days after the defriending. I've also noticed a significant drop in her facebook/texting the day of said post. This was after a weekend of her being upset and moody and hiding in the bathroom with her phone after defriending.

 

To me this might point to her removing the safety net and finally breaking off emotionally with the ex. Which would mean going all in on this relationship. All previous relationships she's had that I'm aware of since the ex have failed a few months in. I could only speculate based on the limited information I have that it could have been due to the ex and/or others may have made the same request I made only to get shot down. Another theory on my part. I did say I'd ride this rollercoaster out one final month before making any final decisions.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I always take my phone to the bathroom for reading material while I poop.

 

 

But OP if you have trust issues etc and you already feel like you cant trust her, just move on there are plenty of girls out there that don't believe in having any ex contact if that is something you would like in a relationship

 

Me for one I always tend to view people with no ex contact more as a potential than someone who is in contact.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I always take my phone to the bathroom for reading material while I poop.

 

 

But OP if you have trust issues etc and you already feel like you cant trust her, just move on there are plenty of girls out there that don't believe in having any ex contact if that is something you would like in a relationship

 

Me for one I always tend to view people with no ex contact more as a potential than someone who is in contact.

Yes but you don't "poop" 6 times a day 30 - 60 minutes apart LOL. I thought I had trust issues and have gone back and forth in my mind over this. I've never had an issue with anyone else I've dated since I was married. Her behavior at times caused me to stop and pay attention the exact same way it did when I was with my ex and she was up to something.

 

Had I have known up front that she maintained contact with her ex I'd not have kept seeing her. When I did become aware of it I was led to believe it's nothing they never talk etc. Then she tells me they had talked a few times and I figure out she talked about him a lot e.g. "a room mate of mine did this or that" or "an ex.. just an ex did x,y or z". I think I've discovered that anyone that maintains contact with an ex is a deal breaker for me. I'll run the gauntlet with this for now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Why are you doing this to yourself? It's not going to get any better.

Because I said I'd see how it goes for a month and I've a few weeks left. I see no harm in being absolutely sure I'm right or worse.. sure that I'm wrong.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The harm in running a relationship that you dont wish to bs apart of is you're lying to your partner in thinking the relationship is fine, she might be shocked when you break up with her if you lead her to believe you're okay for a few weeks.

 

But I agree that seeing how it plays out is not a bad choice ither but since this whole things is a dealbreaker and you're already planning to leave id just flat out say no ex or I cant be in this relationship instead of dragging it out.

Edited by Omei
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The harm in running a relationship that you dont wish to bs apart of is you're lying to your partner in thinking the relationship is fine, she might be shocked when you break up with her if you lead her to believe you're okay for a few weeks.

 

But I agree that seeing how it plays out is not a bad choice ither but since this whole things is a dealbreaker and you're already planning to leave id just flat out say no ex or I cant be in this relationship instead of dragging it out.

I do and will remain in the relationship as long as she isn't wasting time talking to her ex. If I suspect or find she's doing that again I'll be forced to leave. She's said they don't talk and dumped him off facebook and I believe that. The deal breaker would have been, had I known ahead of time about the ex and their talking I'd not have dated her. I wasn't aware until I was a few months in.

 

I do want to see how it plays out as I'd prefer to remain with the woman. With the ex removed there are no critical issues. As long as she doesn't go back to her odd habits as previously listed. We've talked about these anomalies a few times and I'm not bringing them up again. This is part of why I'll wait and see how things shake out over the coming days/weeks. If her original pattern returns then I'll be forced to get out. It's as close to evidence that something is up vs pillaging her phone LOL

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I should do a poll on this and go with the most votes LOL. In fact I will if I can!

 

So I did something stupid. I had a look at her ex's facebook and just a few weeks before we officially got together and before I was on her facebook she was tagged (requires her approval) at his flat. She still claims they were friends and they watched a movie nothing happened. I don't believe it for a second? I'd not go watch a movie with a female friend of mine that was an ex. I tried that once years ago and guess what happened? Now to be fair this happened before we got together.. this shouldn't matter but it does. It irritates the ****e out of me. Because she said they never talked to or seen each other hardly ever and they obviously had. What's worse is she confirmed she'd seen him while I was with her. A slipup on her part as I suggested she had. She maintains they are only friends and nothing more, nothing happened. Yet his blog reads like he's getting back together with her. Which now makes sense. Why wouldn't he think he'd get her back if they'd been seeing each other. It also explains why his facebook now has his rant about women being bitches after she defriended him.

 

Maybe I'm late to the game but that was her friend with benefits. She dumps him when something better arrives then returns back there when there's no current bf. He keeps thinking she'll stay and she doesn't. Explains the crap on his blog. She's playing both of us, explains the hiding in the bathroom and vanishing at times. She's keeping or kept him in a holding pattern while she sees if things will work with me and/or had still been with him while with me.

 

I need to leave her and go find a woman that's not hiding an ex somewhere as a backup plan b.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

"I need to leave her and go find a woman that's not hiding an ex somewhere as a backup plan b."

 

 

Be sure to stick this in her face before you walk away.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...