Used to be exclusive, now she wants to date others too

[Lostman5]

I have been dating my GF for 3 years. We were exclusive this whole time. The biggest issue is that I am separated (living under the same roof) and am working on divorce. I have 2 small children that don't know the real situation with the mom and me. We sleep in separate bedrooms but still do family things together. We have not been intimate in over 6 years.

 

The GF basically is getting sick of waiting for me. She says she doesn't want her 20's to pass her while waiting for me and i don't blame her. We do love each other and get along great. She has been telling me that i need to step up the divorce proceedings and get moving or she cannot wait forever. My wife and I have tried counseling for a couple years a few years ago, but it didn't really help.

 

So the GF went on a weekend date with another guy and they had a nice time. It drove me crazy and i wanted to break it off, but then I stepped back and figured it was worth fighting for and tried to understand and not get jealous. We had a really nice date and overnight in a special place and were clearly deeply in love.

 

Now we have agreed to be each others #1 and date others too. She says she just wants to have fun and experience dating, whereas, I cannot give this to her really with my situation and out of respect to wife, i don't go out. much. She keeps telling me all i have to do is get things moving faster, move out or something, and we would be together exclusively and try to live our dream, but our relationship as it was, hurt her. She was having troubles waiting and it wasn't healthy.

 

So my problems are, how should i handle my relationship with GF? I am not sure if i can handle her dating others. I really don't want to date others, but when she left for her date, i put out feelers and got very positive responses and went on a couple lunch dates. It felt pretty frantic to do this really. The pain of thinking of her with another guys just kills me.

 

A little background, she used to be into open relationships when i first met her 4 years ago and i showed her how much better exclusive relationships were, she never had such a loving relationship as we do. I am afraid she will go backwards and start just looking for fun again. We are best friends as well and talk every day and text many times each day.

 

Not sure what the best thing to do is here. Please help with any insight. Thank you.

Edited July 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[smackie9]

First grow some balls and tell your wife the marriage is over. Next you both break the news to your children. After that call a divorce lawyer, pack your bags and move out. Go live with the parents, friend, co-worker, hotel whatever. You said this GF of yours is worth fighting for well then......get your bloody sh it together!

[d0nnivain]

You are having your cake & eating it too. All she wants is parity.

 

If you actually divorce your wife & move out of the house odds are your GF will want exclusivity again.

[Smilecharmer]

You weren't exclusive before because you are MARRIED. This is why people should never date anyone without knowing for sure they are divorced and living separately. Your gf should dump you for stringing her along while you stay in a marriage and live a normal life with your wife. Either divorce and move out or let your gf be free to date who she wants by breaking up with her because right now you aren't being fair to either one of them. Does your wife know about your gf?

[Zahara]

Sounds like cake-eating to me. You've dragged your wife through a dead marriage for 3 years while having the gf sit back with half a relationship.

 

"She says she just wants to have fun and experience dating, whereas, I cannot give this to her really with my situation and out of respect to wife, i don't go out. much."

 

Out of respect for your wife? I'm reading it as you were having an affair and now you can't let your wife know you're dating someone else because that would get her radar up that you were cheating?

 

Stop dragging your feet with the divorce. And this surely isn't about the kids.

Edited July 23, 2014 by Zahara

[mammasita]

UM, I don't blame your mistress one bit.

[Ronni_W]

Lostman5...

I lived with my ex-husband...for a long time...after we got divorced.

He used the situation as an excuse to not get emotionally involved with the women he dated. Whenever they wanted more from him, "respecting his good old ex-wife" was just the ticket to get rid of them.

 

I got into a healthy, positive, long-term relationship...and managed to do that while also not rubbing it in my ex-h's face...I did respect him, his feelings...but I did not use him as excuses to not move forward.

 

As for your G/F...it seems that you are aware that you haven't earned being able to ask her to not date others. She is being straight with you...and with herself.

I get the part about your two young children...but you still can try being more honest with yourself about what you're really doing with, getting from your relationship with your G/F...and if you actually want to give her a real relationship with you.

[notserene]

Your thread title is completely misleading. You're sneaking around with a girlfriend while you and your wife are still married. This is ordinarily called cheating. I don't blame your girlfriend (mistress, really) for being sick of this situation.

 

Get divorced and then you can have a girlfriend, or as many as you like.

[Tbisb74]

I couldn't put it any better than the other members have here already.

You have a cushy, comfortable 'family life' you lead as a complete lie. What a way to deceive your children; One day, they will find out what a total sham their parents' marriage is, and this is what you will have taught them, about marriage. Don't for one moment think that children are permanently scarred and badly affected by divorce. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, of course it will affect them, but HOW it affects them, and HOW they view the situation, depends on how honest, mature and respectful you two, as parents, are - towards and about each other.

There are of course many children who have been badly affected by their parents' divorce. There are countless thousands more who found it a blessed relief, and get on better with two parents who get on better, than they ever did prior to the divorce. It won't kill them.

But actually, this isn't about them. It's about the unreasonable demand you are making on a young girl and the way you are using the entire situation to your advantage, because the status quo is exactly as you like it. Now she's (absolutely understandably and quite rightly) telling you she's not happy, and you're putting the problem onto her shoulders?

Zero respect for you, buddy. If she leaves you or dates others, more power to her elbow. You'll see how foolish it was to have something wonderful, and let it slip through your fingers, simply because you want the convenient life.

[No Limit]

You aren't respecting your wife anyway, so grow the hell up. Or at least grow some brain and make up some less petty excuses.

[Mrin]

Dude... Seriously??? Grow a pair and stop calling her your girlfriend.

[CarrieT]

Not sure what the best thing to do is here. Please help with any insight. Thank you.

 

Sh*t, or get off the pot.

 

i.e., Divorce your wife and commit to the girlfriend, or let her go and return to your marriage as you are far from being able to give her what she deserves.

[No Limit]

Your girlfriend should be more understanding of your situation, in my humble opinion.

 

Are you serious? His OW is supposed to just take it, living without a family of her own or any real relationship just to please him?

The OP will loose her anyway, 'cause obviously she's not the type desperately lingering around their MM and hopelessly waiting for wonders to happen. Even if there were sincere feelings from her side, they'll be all but gone in a matter of days from now. She wants fun, and since she's single, there's no problem with pursuing that. Especially now that she sees that being a OW isn't as funny as pictured in the movies.

[aussietigerwolf]

I disagree with the posters here. OP, it's obvious that you are trying to stay in the marriage so that you don't lose your assets and children in divorce, but you realize that your wife is not the one.

 

I don't envy your situation. The best you can do at this point is just keep up the sham as long as possible. Your girlfriend should be more understanding of your situation, in my humble opinion.

 

So his ow should be happy to be his bit on the side while he plays happy family with a wife who id bet knows nothing of this supposed seperation.

[ashy555]

Bloody hell mate. She needs to(and will) move on and date others. You have no say what so ever!!! You are married and living with another woman with children. For the sake of yourself, your wife AND you kids. Divorce her already. That way everyone can move on from the situation. INCLUDING your wife.

[Lostman5]

For the record. I have not been intimate with the wife for 7yrs. We sleep in different rooms with a big house to give space. Yes I believe GF deserves to go out. Divorce is just complicated with a mlllion dollar mortgage and two little ones. I will continue to make it happen. Even though I am hurting inside for GF to date. I will continue to be her best friend as I have been for 3yrs.

[ashy555]

For the record. I have not been intimate with the wife for 7yrs. We sleep in different rooms with a big house to give space. Yes I believe GF deserves to go out. Divorce is just complicated with a mlllion dollar mortgage and two little ones. I will continue to make it happen. Even though I am hurting inside for GF to date. I will continue to be her best friend as I have been for 3yrs.

 

:confused: You do realize how weak and ridiculous this makes you look... you are not willing to make a change for fear of letting go of your comfort zone... all the while you will put up with the hurt and pain of watching someone you truly love move on with her life.

million dollar mortgage? That's no excuse. Sell the house and buy something smaller.

Better yet.. see a therapist to help sort out your priorities.

But if you are willing to spend the rest of your life unhappy.. be my guest You came here for advice. We are giving it to you

[Mascara]

If you're staying "for the children" then you need to actually commit to that philosophy and be part of a loving family.

 

Because otherwise they will grow up thinking that a normal relationship is one where you have emotional and physical distance, and that's what they'll unwittingly recreate in their own relationships.

 

You think that you're doing the best thing for your kids, when actually you're setting them up for years of problems.

 

So either leave - or follow through on your "for the kids" policy and insist on a normal marriage.

[Tbisb74]

For the record. I have not been intimate with the wife for 7yrs.

This is completely and totally irrelevant. There are many spouses who have a dysfunctional sex life, but remain with their spouses and do not have affairs.

There are many spouses who have a perfectly satisfactory sex life, but still have affairs. So what point are you making. More's the point, who cares?

 

We sleep in different rooms with a big house to give space.

Again, irrelevant. You still live comfortably under the same roof, together, to all intents and purposes, the perfect 2+2 family unit.

 

Yes I believe GF deserves to go out.

We don't. we believe she needs to ditch you like a hot brick, or you need to man up and do the right thing.

 

Divorce is just complicated with a mlllion dollar mortgage and two little ones.

Oh goodness... really? What, more complicated than, say, Tom Cruise's, or Robert Downey Jr's, or any other multi-million-dollar celebrity you could name? That much more complicated? Please, give us some credit....

 

I will continue to make it happen. Even though I am hurting inside for GF to date. I will continue to be her best friend as I have been for 3yrs

If this is your definition of 'best friendship' I think you need to review your dick-tionary. Look up 'selfish' 'cake-eater' and 'throw under a bus'.

[Lostman5]

from some of the posts, it seems people think i am having the best of both worlds. there many reasons why i have chosen to separate under one roof. i did not see the reason to talk about my wifes verbal abuse towards me, the screaming, the narcissistic qualities of someone who is so self centered, during our therapy, the therapist dug into her childhood which uncovered a very dysfunctional family with child abuse, alcoholism, and other issues that i blame for her verbal abuse towards me. she stopped the therapy after two years once the therapist dug into her past and had her look inward. i live in a hell of a house with my only defense is to distance myself from her emotionally and physically so i don't get affected by the screaming and such, i never had this growing up and it affects me more than i think it does her. she seems to be able to scream and then the next minute be happy, whereas, if i scream, it takes the day at least to not be thinking about it. i just think some of these replies are not accurate. yes, i know the best thing for me to do is to get a divorce, but don't think that she is the onlhy victim here.

[Tbisb74]

from some of the posts, it seems people think i am having the best of both worlds. there many reasons why i have chosen to separate under one roof. i did not see the reason to talk about my wifes verbal abuse towards me, the screaming, the narcissistic qualities of someone who is so self centered, during our therapy, the therapist dug into her childhood which uncovered a very dysfunctional family with child abuse, alcoholism, and other issues that i blame for her verbal abuse towards me.

Which begs the question "Why are you still there?"

 

she stopped the therapy after two years once the therapist dug into her past and had her look inward. i live in a hell of a house with my only defense is to distance myself from her emotionally and physically so i don't get affected by the screaming and such, i never had this growing up and it affects me more than i think it does her. she seems to be able to scream and then the next minute be happy, whereas, if i scream, it takes the day at least to not be thinking about it

.

You're buying into this and feeding it by being there. You are part of the problem. You could easily extricate yourself from the situation, but YOU have CHOSEN not to.

You may have given mitigating circumstances, but they don't wash.

 

i just think some of these replies are not accurate. yes, i know the best thing for me to do is to get a divorce, but don't think that she is the onlhy victim here.

Quit complaining and playing the victim then. File for divorce and custody.You can subpoena medical records, and give evidence of your wife's dysfunction.

Sorted.

[Gaeta]

You're full of excuses and she realized that. First you want to keep the family together for the children, then you talk about your wife being verbally abusive, then you talk about the difficulty of a million dollar mortgage. By the way you think it's being a good father to keep small children in such an environment with a parent being hysteric, screaming and being abusive toward the other.

 

It's never a good time to divorce, ask any divorced people around. I've divorced with a child, with a new mortgage, with new job, living 1000 km away from friends and family. I spent the first 6 months in an empty apartment with no appliances and sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I didn't care, I was free.

[Tbisb74]

(Not 'like' because I am happy you went though that, you understand....'like' post content re: op....)

[Mascara]

We're not your mistress. We're not buying all the reasons you can't leave your wife because we're not blinded by love/lust/whatever. You've had 3 years of someone buying all of that, you've probably convinced yourself it's valid.

[lukekarts]

from some of the posts, it seems people think i am having the best of both worlds. there many reasons why i have chosen to separate under one roof. i did not see the reason to talk about my wifes verbal abuse towards me, the screaming, the narcissistic qualities of someone who is so self centered, during our therapy, the therapist dug into her childhood which uncovered a very dysfunctional family with child abuse, alcoholism, and other issues that i blame for her verbal abuse towards me. she stopped the therapy after two years once the therapist dug into her past and had her look inward. i live in a hell of a house with my only defense is to distance myself from her emotionally and physically so i don't get affected by the screaming and such, i never had this growing up and it affects me more than i think it does her. she seems to be able to scream and then the next minute be happy, whereas, if i scream, it takes the day at least to not be thinking about it. i just think some of these replies are not accurate. yes, i know the best thing for me to do is to get a divorce, but don't think that she is the onlhy victim here.

 

You may well have all these issues etc. but they only lead to the same statement from me and everyone else. Do the right thing. Get the divorce pushed through. Move out.

 

The consequences of you not doing those things is that your girlfriend will most likely leave you and you will be left with nothing. But if you sort out your life you may well find you can settle down with your love interest and actually have happiness. Don't waste that opportunity.