Relationship Ambiguity and Time with His Kids

[Powerful40s]

I was warned up front that the man I'm dating is a serial monogamist; also, that he tends to go with the flow with new people he meets. I didn't expect him to pursue me very hard, but after seven months he has been very available and seems to want me to not date other people--perhaps only to not have sex with other people since he said he "didn't want to share me".

 

I haven't pressured him for any commitment--no boyfriend/girlfriend labels. No expectations that we spend certain dates together. I have been enjoying our time together, and considering the warning, I knew not to have expectations. But for several months, he initiated that we spend time with his son. His son has already confused me with the last woman he dated since she has similar features to me.

 

For the sake of his son, I'm having a hard time staying in the relationship since the man doesn't have a clear direction with me, and I feel it isn't right to give the boy the impression that I'll be sticking around. I would like to turn the corner and begin bonding with the boy, but I can't make the man commit if he doesn't want to.

 

I'm venting on one part; the other part is a question to guys: Would you spend every weekend with your "date" if you didn't have long term intentions?

 

Thanks.

[Elle1975]

Put a label on what's going on. Sit him down, and have "the talk". Assuming the "what is" isn't a good idea.

[Powerful40s]

Thanks Elle. The talk will come, but also hoping to hear from men about my question.

 

Would you spend every weekend with your "date" if you didn't have long term intentions?

[Zahara]

Would you spend every weekend with your "date" if you didn't have long term intentions?

 

I don't think that question can give you a sure fire answer to the level of his commitment.

 

My ex spent every weekend with me when we were dating for two years. He was cheating on me.

 

In my early 30's I was with a guy that spent all his time with me but after 6 months he just liked having the companionship and didn't want commitment.

 

You know who he is and he could just possibly be enjoying dating you. Seeing you every weekend is no way to tell if one has long term intentions with you. If you want further answers as to his intent, it would be best to ask him. We can only guess.

Edited July 22, 2014 by Zahara

[smackie9]

You have been dating for several months, only spend time together on the weekends, and not official? Get out and move on.

[Elle1975]

Thanks Elle. The talk will come, but also hoping to hear from men about my question.

 

Would you spend every weekend with your "date" if you didn't have long term intentions?

 

I dated my ex for about a year. We were seeing each other every week end. He sat me down one day, said he didn't feel the way I did, and that was that.

 

That is why I am saying, don't assume anything, ask.

[Gaeta]

OP: You need to stop in your track here ! When a child comes into play this is when your personal needs take a second place.

 

He doesn't want a committed relationship, no label ! well sorry this is where you say you do not want to involve his child, period.

[GemmaUK]

He wants you to meet his child yet doesn't want to 'be in a relationship/label it'

 

He isn't prepared to take responsibility for his child and how the child might become attached to you.

He has a get out clause by not calling you his gf.

 

I loathe when people don't take responsibility!

 

You are taking responsibility though! Fair play to you!

If I were you though...don't meet his child yet.

[Powerful40s]

Just for clarity, I didn't meet his boy until after four months of dating. I was clear that I wanted to maintain my integrity with his child, and urged him not to introduce me unless he saw our dating moving forward to a long term relationship.

 

The weekend time I'm referring to is when we three spend time together (he has his son every weekend with alternate Saturdays off), where we spend partial or all-day activity based events. No overnights, and I'm definitely not asking for this. I am keeping my word to maintain my integrity with the boy--I don't initiate PDAs with the man, and have just started to hug his son when we meet or part. I see the man about 3-4 times a week depending on my busy schedule.

 

I realize that the first inclination is to drop him, but when in your 40s, things get complicated with split families, and going slow seems to be the right course. That said, I recently made it clear that we should see if things are progressing over the next few weeks or move on. After that comment, he has been in higher pursuit.

 

So, I'll rephrase the question: Would a man frequently invite you out with his kid(s) if he didn't see that the relationship had potential for long term (not talking marriage), and committed relationship?

[Mrin]

Ok I am going to go a different track here. I see a lot of condemnation of him and your relationship including the patented LS knee jerk "get out now".

 

So he hasn't put a label on it or had the conversation with you yet. I'm sorry but if you read LS or any other dating site long enough you hear over and over that the woman should initiate the "talk" not the man. If the man does it it comes off all needy and pressures the woman into running away. So it expected that the woman does this when she is ready to have the talk. Christ people - and now we are bashing him for following this concvwntional wisdom?!? And from what you said OP, you haven't brought up the talk yet right? Maybe he's waiting for you to do it.

 

Let's also look at his actions shall we? He's exclusive to you - that was his decision. He makes himself very available to you. He wants you in his life to the extent that he wants you to not only meet but spend quality time with the most important thing in his life - his son. So if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck. From his actions, seems like this is a real relationship that he wants to be long term.

 

So ya - by all means. Have the talk. Seems long overdue and will probably turn out great.

[Assasda]

What direction do you want OP.

I never understood the question about "intentions" either.

He's still getting to know you, and you guys can be BF & GF.

-What other intentions are there?

 

I dont understand half of your post.

At first you act like you think he's a little too contoling of you, then you act like like you want some kind of reasurance

[Powerful40s]

Thanks for making the statement about treating kids like hothouse flowers. You're right.

 

As an update, things went swimingly well for a time, then his attention started to wane.

 

Then, I found a jar of ladies' cream on his vanity, and he set expectations for intimacy very early in the night. Fine that someone is tired, but it was so a-typical for him to state this so plainly, and then my wheels started to click. If you're not intimate with me and you have face cream from someone else, then you are having an affair. I left his place at 3am and I immediately opened up an online dating profile. Within a day, he found it, said we needed to talk about exclusivity, and I said it was about time, too.

 

Come to learn that his ex had a jar of cream that was being used for their son's recent and very intense sunburn. Plausible. What remained was that he found me on the dating site. So, although there was a misunderstanding, the fact that he had been trolling the dating site during the whole time that we've been together was a blow. He did ask about items in my profile, where I said deal breakers included non-social men and those that are too ambiguous. We talked about this and I agreed that he was ambiguous. I stopped the conversation and said we needed to talk live about it. I promised to delete the account, which is not easy and took time, but his account is still active.

 

He had a trip to Japan planned, and he made a promise we'd talk live but he was too busy packing. I only got phone discussions. Now he's in Japan, has bought many gifts to share with whom I don't know, and I really can't do anything but just let him go.

 

His clear priorities for himself and his son will never include me. At a recent dinner with his colleagues, he didn't introduce me as his girlfriend, was not affectionate, and I just am letting his actions speak for his lack of words.

 

I'm ranting...I need to get this out. I am hurt. I understand that the phone is a good buffer to avoid in person conflict, but I'm worth the talk.

 

Time to meet with a gal pal and have a good day. I plan to let my little love light shine to all I meet and continue to make myself a priority. I've been overly understanding with this man, but if he values the relationship then he'll have to meet me on my terms. No more

[MissBee]

I don't do ambiguity anymore.

 

It's counterproductive and silly IMO when a woman esp acts like she is fine with no labels and going with the flow but on the other hand is asking her friends or strangers about the nature of her relationship with Mr. Ambiguous. You either care or don't and if you do...say so and be upfront about what you want.

 

I wanted a relationship so this time around in dating I made it explicit beforehand and weeded out men not available for that and ended up with someone who wanted what I wanted. Things were a lot less confusing and clear that way.

 

I think you should be honest with him about what you want as well as perhaps honest with yourself. I would also refuse to bond with his child unless you two have decided to pursue an exclusive, committed relationship potentially going somewhere...you've known each other long enough to know if you want that or are compatible enough for that.

[MissBee]

I don't think that question can give you a sure fire answer to the level of his commitment.

 

My ex spent every weekend with me when we were dating for two years. He was cheating on me.

 

In my early 30's I was with a guy that spent all his time with me but after 6 months he just liked having the companionship and didn't want commitment.

 

You know who he is and he could just possibly be enjoying dating you. Seeing you every weekend is no way to tell if one has long term intentions with you. If you want further answers as to his intent, it would be best to ask him. We can only guess.

 

Great post!

 

Don't look for clues or assume what things mean.

 

You don't have a meaningful relationship if you're reliant on deciphering ambiguous clues versus the person spelling it out clearly to you. Relationships in my experience aren't random things that just happen, but have to be intentional and includes adult discussions and being upfront and being on the same page.

 

A man spending every weekend with you as Zahara says can mean any number of things and is not necessarily about long term intentions. Heck, some men move in with women and have a live in sex companion and housekeeper knowing they'll never marry her and aren't even in love...a guy friend of mine did this TWICE...one woman 5 years and the other 2. He was never in love with them and sort of one day started living with them because it was easy and he had been spending the night all the time and so he stayed but knew he never wanted kids with them (they both kept asking) and never wanted to marry them. So it happens...so it's best to be upfront and hear from the horse's mouth versus assume so that neither of you is wasting the other's time.

[smackie9]

The trick is to stipulate your expectations before sleeping with them. I was very forward about this when I started dating my husband. I'm not afraid to "scare them away". If they pull away so be it, then they are not wasting MY time. I totally agree you cannot assume your partner wants the same things as you. If you fear of losing them, and you keep your mouth shut hoping they will warm up to being committed, you get what you get for doing so. You only have yourself to blame.

[curlygirl40]

 

So, I'll rephrase the question: Would a man frequently invite you out with his kid(s) if he didn't see that the relationship had potential for long term (not talking marriage), and committed relationship?

 

 

Yes. If he was the type of person (both men and women do this) who puts his needs above his son's needs then yes.

 

 

I see this all the time, again, in both sexes. He wants to see you and his time on the weekend is limited if he ONLY saw you when his son was not there. So even though it's not in the best interest of his son, he will put his own needs above his son's needs and invite you to join them.

 

 

It doesn't mean anything as far as your future with him.

 

 

Have the talk instead of trying to look for signs about his intentions. It's time.

[Powerful40s]

Yep. I agree. Spit it out already. I'm done walking on eggshells.

 

I definitely am letting go at this point. If he was enthusiastic about us then he'd make a relaxed and genuine effort. He's not, so his priorities remain him, his son, his job, and keeping his ex amiable with son exchanges.

 

I appreciate the feedback. I'm not one who grabs ahold of a friend to tell them my relationship woes. I really am grateful. When talking with some friends, I see that as a potential source of gossip in my group of friends, but that has a whole 'nother level of toxicity not fit for this forum topic. Consider yourself spared.

 

Wishing you a great day!

[writergal]

Yes. If he was the type of person (both men and women do this) who puts his needs above his son's needs then yes.

 

 

I see this all the time, again, in both sexes. He wants to see you and his time on the weekend is limited if he ONLY saw you when his son was not there. So even though it's not in the best interest of his son, he will put his own needs above his son's needs and invite you to join them.

 

 

It doesn't mean anything as far as your future with him.

 

 

Have the talk instead of trying to look for signs about his intentions. It's time.

 

I agree. He's utilizing his time with his son and you so he can save time. So that's pretty selfish of him and insensitive to both his son and your feelings, b/c both of you come second to this man's own emotional needs. He sounds like a jerk to me. If your intuition is to leave this man, then do so, before you and his son get really hurt.

 

Unfortunately, nothing stops men like him introducing his son to the women he "dates." It doesn't mean he sees you as long-term, especially since you were forewarned by other people that this man doesn't commit to women. He sounds like a typical commitment phobe.

 

I think you need to honestly communicate your feelings to him, so that you can feel secure in this relationship. Instead of giving him an ultimatum, explain to him what your expectations are (like what smackie9 said). Ask him if his expectations are the same. Hopefully you'll share the same expectations.

 

But if your intuition is already warning you to leave him, you may waste your time trying to talk to him about your needs and expectations if you think he won't be receptive or listen to you.

[smackie9]

Yep. I agree. Spit it out already. I'm done walking on eggshells.

 

I definitely am letting go at this point. If he was enthusiastic about us then he'd make a relaxed and genuine effort. He's not, so his priorities remain him, his son, his job, and keeping his ex amiable with son exchanges.

 

I appreciate the feedback. I'm not one who grabs ahold of a friend to tell them my relationship woes. I really am grateful. When talking with some friends, I see that as a potential source of gossip in my group of friends, but that has a whole 'nother level of toxicity not fit for this forum topic. Consider yourself spared.

 

Wishing you a great day!

 

 

Maybe it's time to do a cleansing not only with your relationship........

[BlueIris]

Do YOU want a life with him, long term? You are just as much The Picker as he is. Is he the one you want forever, or is he good enough so long as he wants you, or did you just not ask yourself? These are the positions I've noticed in myself.

I don’t think it’s about asking him what HIS intentions are, but instead deciding if you want him, just as he is now, forever. You didn't say you were in love with him and your first post sounded like you were just riding it out and weren't in love. You actually sound ambivalent, which to me, is a “no” regardless of what he thinks, feels, intends.