A Stalemate Love Story, with lots of Hot/Cold moments

[CharlieFox]

Hey everyone, my name is Charlie, from UK, I’m a guy in his 20s and I seriously need your advice. This is going to be a somewhat long read, because I want to explain the situation as clear as possible, so I hope you stay with me till the end.

Last year, I met a girl that joined my language school class. She was new in town, coming to start her Master degree here as well. As I am quite sociable, I approached her almost immediately (in fact, she said later that one of her first fond memories was me, the first person to approach her when she came and didn’t know many people). At first I didn’t feel an attraction to her honestly, but that allowed me to be quite flirty and quite open to her without feeling nervous around her or anything, and I asked her out very quickly, to which she agreed. During our first meet, we found out that we actually have a lot in common, particularly in terms of past experiences and views on things and views on our lifestyles.

 

We stayed in touch since I had to leave the class and start my masters, and went out a few times, some of which we’re just going together to places, for example to find out information about things in our university, but anyway, all of those were wonderful times where we got to know more about each other. Since we didn’t have a proper date, I soon asked her out to go see a recent movie. Then came her rejection – she told me that a while ago, she decided to not date any guys, because she was still recovering from a past relationship, and still had some baggage she was carrying over. She said she wanted to be single for a while. I didn’t realize that would make me feel as bad as I felt, because for the past 4 years I haven’t been so much into a girl as I was now. I got rejected a few times before, but I didn’t really care because it was just casual dates so I always found it easy to move on to the next girl. Anyway, I handled it, said I respect her decision, and proceeded to move on.

 

The following were filled with lots of moments that you see on these romantic movies that I didn’t even know happen in real life. In general, we were only able to meet in person once a week, sometimes even for just 5 minutes, but all of them were either unexpected and funny circumstances, or just wonderful and crazy meetings. I was hooking up with other girls casually, but this one girl I wanted as a girlfriend. If I didn’t text her 2-3 days, she always texted me something like “hey, did you forget about me” or “hey, where are you? Just wanted to say hi” or “I miss you” or “I was worried that you left me” or something like that. I was finding new and interesting ways to contact her, like writing her actual letters on paper (even though we live in the same city). She said a few times that she never met another person like me in her life, someone who brings her so much joy and positive energy, and that even seeing me for 5 minutes, or receiving a funny text message from me, or sometimes even just thinking about me made her all warm and fuzzy.

 

I also have to add the fact that all of our mutual friends were always under the impression that we were dating, and always teasing me about it (her also), and always remarking on how much chemistry there is between us. We had a few photos together from different events, which everyone loved, and each time she pointed out how happy she looks when she’s with me. On top of that, she started being more flirty with me, making comments about the way I look, how much she likes my perfume, and the way I walk, how sexy I look with T-shirts, or what a nice ass I have, etc.

 

One day, we organized a nice trip to the sea side, and we decided to spend a whole day together. One of the first things she opened up about was about relationships, and that she felt she was ready to move on from her past experiences and try being in a relationship again. We didn’t discuss the topic further, because there were things to do, but anyway. We spent a wonderful day together, and while on the bus home she told me she doesn’t want this day to end, and if I would like to hang out with her a bit more after we arrive. So after we had some coffee, she invited me to her place to chill because she was feeling a bit tired (we had to run like hell to catch our bus). She had to take a pill for her headache, and closed her eyes for a few moments while trying to get comfortable on the couch. I made a light joke about that and asked her if she wants to lean on me and rest, and she responded very enthusiastically that she was actually fantasizing about that just moments ago. So she just snuggled up in me, and made a comment that even after a whole day I still smelled so nice. After a few minutes, she asked me if I would like to go rest in her bed with her. I said yes, and as we did, we started getting closer, she started playing with my hair, playfully touching my feet with hers, and then wrapped her legs around mine, etc. As I was about to kiss her though, she kinda “buried” half of her face in the pillow and whispered that maybe we’re getting too close and she was still "holding back". That was confusing as hell for me, and I asked her what was wrong, and if she wasn’t enjoying it, but she didn’t respond. Instead, she started kissing my neck very sensually, and as if to make it even more confusing, told me I should probably go home because it was getting late.

 

Needless to say, it was frustrating as ****. I went home and never contacted her after that, until she wrote me a message a few days later that she had passed her exam successfully, and that she was thinking a lot about me and all the nice memories from our day together.

 

The next few weeks were busy for both of us, with final exams coming in and stuff, but we stayed in touch and she was sending me kisses through text, and goodnight messages. She was going back to her home country after a few days, so I told her we should meet before that, and I was determined to talk to her straight about what’s going on between us (which I couldn’t do, unfortunately). We met once more before she departed, but for a very short amount of time and in the presence of her uncle and aunt, so we couldn’t talk much, but she later send me a message she was so happy to see me one last time that even for a few moments I brought such a smile and warmth to her.

 

As we’re now separated for the summer, I try to distance myself a bit from her, and trying not to write to her a whole lot, and every few days she initiates a conversation, jokingly asking if I forgot about her, asking me questions about life, and sending me kisses and dropping a “I miss you!!” line unexpectedly in the middle of unrelated conversations.

 

As the summer goes on, I am totally confused about what to do with this girl. I asked a few of my girl friends if she just friendzoned me, but they told me there’s no way a girl would act like this towards just a friend, and invite him in her bed and kiss and touch him in this way, and send him goodnight messages, and that no matter how good of a guy friend they have, they never feel warm and fuzzy just thinking about them if they’re not interested in them romantically. My friends told me she, just like most girls, is just confused and is not sure what she wants, but she is definitely attracted to me.

 

I would certainly use some advice from you guys about what to do from now on. I think the moment is good to build up a little bit of strategy until the time comes to meet with her again after the summer.

[smackie9]

No you are still in the friends zone, but the worst kind.....her cuddle b itch. Being someone's cuddle b itch is the kiss of death. She isn't attracted to you enough to find you BF material, just using you until she does meet someone she wants to be with. Still friends zone crap but just with some physical stuff.

 

I bet after the summer she's gonna be telling you she met someone.

[ThorntonMelon]

I feel bad for you. You have this whole summer ahead of you, and you're not open to someone who IS sure what they want because this one has you on a leash, and knows it.

 

She sounds to me like she likes the attention and nothing more.

 

Your decision - can you just be friends with her and pursue others? If so, then make that happen. Otherwise you tell her your feelings when you're back at school, but 99/100 they won't be reciprocated and you'll have wasted this summer thinking about her constantly.

[Diezel]

Your female friends are all wrong.

 

Run from this girl. I've been with one like this. The hot/cold will NEVER end. Take it from me, I wasted a year of my life on someone like this. I knew from Month 5 that I should have ran and stayed in hopes of the cold going away. IT NEVER DID.

[CharlieFox]

Thank you for your time and effort to read the whole thing, guys.

 

It's not like I am not looking around and not meeting other girls, but I really haven't found one that attracts me as much as this one. I also had a few casual hookups with other girls, but I want a girl like this one for a relationship.

 

I am really trying to focus on moving on or keeping busy so I don't contact her, and I don't sit around waiting for her to contact me or think about her the whole time. But the more I cut off contact, the more she writes first, asking me if I forgot about her, or that she really misses me, and when we're both online and open up a chat, she seems very enthusiastic to share and to ask me about where I've been and things like that.

 

She really seems genuinely worried that I might leave her at some point and cut off all contact permanently, so I really don't know exactly how to do it without coming off as a jerk. I mean, if she really values and appreciates me, she will not let me go, but I am not sitting around hoping that's the case. But if it comes to a serious conversation why I feel so distant to her, I am not sure exactly what to say...

[CharlieFox]

I still hope to receive advice on how I can try to play it out and see how she values me, now that we're apart for a while. Maybe someone has experience or good advice about that?

[smackie9]

What you are doing is just fine, chat with her once in awhile to keep her on the back burner but keep bangin other chicks.

[JungleLover]

You were so close with that girl and you didn't even know it. You reached a fork in the road with her and didn't know how to drive yourself down the right path.

 

When she was kissing you on the neck "sensually' in the bed there was your chance. If you were totally in a friend zone, that would very unlikely to have happened. You should have been more persistent and aggressive and playful at that very moment. You had her but you cooled things off by not continuing to drive things forward. You should have taken charge.

 

You have to do this if you ever get a chance to be alone with her again. You have to sort of "whip it out on her." This can be either physical or figuratively to drive your self to the other side of the fork. You have to show her how much you desire her and without trying to be a poet or an actor in some sort of a romantic comedy. This is real life, man. There are harsh realities in real life.

[CharlieFox]

What you are doing is just fine, chat with her once in awhile to keep her on the back burner but keep bangin other chicks.

 

Thank you for the tip! Should I appear less interested in talking to her? I am usually very flirty when I chat with girls, as I am with her, so I think if I drop it and be more formal, she will notice fairly quickly and might ask what's up with that?

 

You were so close with that girl and you didn't even know it. You reached a fork in the road with her and didn't know how to drive yourself down the right path.

 

When she was kissing you on the neck "sensually' in the bed there was your chance. If you were totally in a friend zone, that would very unlikely to have happened. You should have been more persistent and aggressive and playful at that very moment. You had her but you cooled things off by not continuing to drive things forward. You should have taken charge.

 

You have to do this if you ever get a chance to be alone with her again. You have to sort of "whip it out on her." This can be either physical or figuratively to drive your self to the other side of the fork. You have to show her how much you desire her and without trying to be a poet or an actor in some sort of a romantic comedy. This is real life, man. There are harsh realities in real life.

 

Hehe, thank you very much for your comment! Yes I guess I ****ed up in that moment real bad, but the problem with that is, she had a big exam the next day, so she needed to be fresh and well prepared for it, and I didn't want to jeopardize the success of it because of me. I know that kinda sounds like putting her needs before mine, but really, I don't want to end up being hated on because we did something emotional in the wrong moment. She mentioned before that it is very important for her to perform well on her exams, and she was once very emotionally dependent on others (boyfriend I suppose) so she didn't keep her rational thinking always and that caused her problems. So I never really tried to push that on her, if you know what I mean.

 

In fact,most of the times we meet each other are alone, so your advice comes in handy. But I am not sure what do you mean by "whip it out on her", can you elaborate a little on that please? Much appreciated!

[dilemmaqueen]

I know this may sound crazy, but what if something really bad happened to her prior to meeting you? Like rape or maybe she had her heart broken in a harsh way? I think she has issues and if you were there for her, she would open up to you. It is frustrating for you and I think you want her more than ever because she is 'playing hard to get.' You just need to be careful at the same time, since insecurity is not a good look and she seems insecure if she's asking you if you missed her and so on. I hope this helps

[CharlieFox]

I know this may sound crazy, but what if something really bad happened to her prior to meeting you? Like rape or maybe she had her heart broken in a harsh way? I think she has issues and if you were there for her, she would open up to you. It is frustrating for you and I think you want her more than ever because she is 'playing hard to get.' You just need to be careful at the same time, since insecurity is not a good look and she seems insecure if she's asking you if you missed her and so on. I hope this helps

 

It doesn't sound crazy at all, and you are absolutely right. First of all, thank you for spending time to read my ****load of text, and you are spot on in your guess.

 

She had a very difficult past, very serious problems with parents, abuse, and past relationships, and at one point she felt very low in her life. I was actually a bit surprised when she opened up about these things to me, because she doesn't strike as that kind of person, she always smiles, but doesn't open up easily and trust anyone. And she is in fact very insecure. But she's trying to improve and better herself, and I like her for that, and I showed her that I support that and am willing to be next to her even in bad and hard times.

 

The thing is, I just get more and more confused, even if I don't show it to her. Because you never know if the time you're taking and being patient will pay off at the end and she won't just hook up with someone else who will hurt her again like before. She told me already it feels very nice for her to know I am next to her in her bad moments, but I don't want to just get stuck in the friendzone for doing it, you know?

[preraph]

She sounds very conflicted and she probably needs therapy to work through some stuff. If something really bad happened to her, she may have something like PTSD and have trouble with sex and is somewhat comfortable with you because you're not pushing it. I really think you need to get someplace private but completely nonthreatening (no bed -- ha) and ask her straight up what exactly happened and how has it affected her and just tell her that you'd be patient if you were sure that's what she wanted, but that at this point you are very confused. She may have lasting intimacy problems now. It's sad. I don't think she's playing games, though. Now, if she was taking your money, I'd say she was using you, but sounds like you're really close.

[Assasda]

I was able to get through your essay.

 

Seems like you friendzoned yourself.

You should have gone for the kiss a long time ago.

Right now I dont think she respects you for having the balls.

 

I dont think your opportunity is all gone though

Just dont be a pansy next time

[JungleLover]

her exams, and she was once very emotionally dependent on others (boyfriend I suppose) so she didn't keep her rational thinking always and that caused her problems. So I never really tried to push that on her, if you know what I mean.

 

In fact,most of the times we meet each other are alone, so your advice comes in handy. But I am not sure what do you mean by "whip it out on her", can you elaborate a little on that please? Much appreciated!

 

 

It takes 5 minutes to have sex or something close to it. For some, it takes only one minute. Five minutes out of her life will not make or break her academic success. Take it from a man who has taken countless post graduate exams on very little or no sleep at all.

 

The fact is many guys make it as far as you have, overlook their opportunity and wonder why they walk away without the woman of their interest. You really have to take advantage of those moments and be a little selfish. It really makes the difference between having a successful dating life and missing the mark.

 

A bed is for two things and one of them is sleeping. It doesn't get any better than being in a woman's bed and having her kiss you. The opportunity to really stir things into a romantic direction just doesn't get better than that.

 

You are off path now, if I were in your shoes, if I ever got that opportunity again with her or any where close to it, I would get very physical and if she comes up with something like "oh, I have to work early in the morning," You need to come with a counter and be a bit more persistent. You have to plow through it. I wouldn't say "well, ok, I will let you go to sleep so you can go to work in the morning. I understand."

 

A lot of things get sacrificed for sex all the time, sleep and study time are frequent victims.This is a part of having a sex life.

[CharlieFox]

I was able to get through your essay.

 

Seems like you friendzoned yourself.

You should have gone for the kiss a long time ago.

Right now I dont think she respects you for having the balls.

 

I dont think your opportunity is all gone though

Just dont be a pansy next time

 

Thank you for taking the time. I thought about what you're saying before, many times, it's kind of a standard response to someone who has friendzoned himself, but in my case I don't think it's the case why it hasn't worked out.

 

We had enough physical contact from the very beginning, I was touchy from the first time I asked her out, the second time we were together it was on a party and we went dancing together and it was kind of an intimate, dirty-type of dancing with lots of grinding and suggestive touching (which made everyone else think we're already dating later on), and I received a message from her the next day that she was happy to see me and dance with me last night. Then I asked her out and she declined, and a week after we kissed by accident as I mentioned in my OP.

 

It's not like we didn't have a physical contact or I wanted too long to let her know what my intentions are. In this case, it's mainly her decision to not get serious with guys because of bad past experiences, and I think she's gotten so comfortable with that at this point that she just outright declines to get close to anyone just because. This is why I am asking for advice on how to approach a sensitive situation like this one.

[dilemmaqueen]

I knew it was linked to her past! I disagree with everyone who's saying you should have had sex with her. I also disagree with your fear of her going off with someone else after you have invested time and effort into her. Considering the fact that you are willing to stand by her no matter what, proves you're an amazing guy. A bird doesn't feed its young expecting them to stay with them forever. The bird knows their chick will fly the nest someday yet still cares for her. It's called 'unconditional love.' Love her as much as you can. From today onwards destroy the fear of her going off with someone else because if you manifest that, that is exactly what will happen. Be good, do good, leave the rest to karma. X

[Assasda]

Thank you for taking the time. I thought about what you're saying before, many times, it's kind of a standard response to someone who has friendzoned himself, but in my case I don't think it's the case why it hasn't worked out.

 

We had enough physical contact from the very beginning, I was touchy from the first time I asked her out, the second time we were together it was on a party and we went dancing together and it was kind of an intimate, dirty-type of dancing with lots of grinding and suggestive touching (which made everyone else think we're already dating later on), and I received a message from her the next day that she was happy to see me and dance with me last night. Then I asked her out and she declined, and a week after we kissed by accident as I mentioned in my OP.

 

It's not like we didn't have a physical contact or I wanted too long to let her know what my intentions are. In this case, it's mainly her decision to not get serious with guys because of bad past experiences, and I think she's gotten so comfortable with that at this point that she just outright declines to get close to anyone just because. This is why I am asking for advice on how to approach a sensitive situation like this one.

 

Dude. You are not a therapist.

Never get into all the "bad past experiences" crap. - Its not real

 

2nd thing, You never need to tell a girl what your intentions are. That in itself is setting you up for failure.

Also, dancing is not the same as kissing, no matter what kinda dancing you do. - I've danced with, and groped strangers at clubs, and I dont even know their name.

 

So I'm sure your problem is that you need to kiss her, and not on accident.

- The explanations and every other excuse makes you seem weak to her.

[Noproblem]

I think she is a virgin or not experienced enough, or maybe she is trying to be a virgin again after a lot of messing around......

 

Regardless, she likes games, so play her game right, and be cold, cold, cold then hot..

That will burn her like hell.

[todreaminblue]

LIke dilemma queen i also disagree with every body who said to you "man you had your chance you should have escalated the romance when you were in her bed......she didnt want you to plain and simple......you showed her respect and consideration you did the right thing the only thing that was right for you to do ...was to not take it further....

 

if i say no to a guy who i have allowed into my room i mean no dont......i dont mean make your move big boy i am waiting for you...... i mean no .........they need to know that and respect it....i do suffer from ptsd ....i have a pretty extreme past and i still mean no when i say no. i mean tit back then when i have been disrespected and i mean it whenver i demand respect for what no means...........i dont want to go further if i do i would regret it...... that means if i give in and let it happen....i wont be present at all. and huge regret after.........

 

 

thsi girl is attracted to you ....she took you to her room she kissed you sensually on the neck .....she then felt shame.....burying her head in the pillow......its where i go when i dotn want to go further i go into the pillow or my arm and say no i cant......its not because i am not attracted i just know i am not ready to go there, feels too fast too soon so wrong in other words..........that's all it is....i have learned not to let guys lie beside me.....not to have them spend time with me in the room other than brief visits to talk and not on my bed.....

 

she is attracted to you it was too soon thats all it is.....you sound like a cool guy understanding and compassionate and yes ptsd people need understanding and compassion and they need guys to know even ones they are attracted to ..... no .....is definitely no...are ptsd women ro women with pasts that are less than stellar littered with bad instances of abuse and or troubles.....are they worth the effort and time it takes to be with them?....for the right kinda guy who is caring, honest and considerate...yes it is always worth the wait....i wish you well........deb

Edited July 23, 2014 by todreaminblue

[CharlieFox]

Dude. You are not a therapist.

Never get into all the "bad past experiences" crap. - Its not real

 

I know I'm not, and I'm not trying to be. I don't think that showing understanding and compassion to someone = therapist. And her bad past is there in fact, it's real, and I have seen a few times that it really bothers her and she has a lot of issues that stem from it. I am being objective here, I'm not blind.

 

2nd thing, You never need to tell a girl what your intentions are. That in itself is setting you up for failure.

 

I didn't say I told her, I said let her know. She isn't stupid.

 

Also, dancing is not the same as kissing, no matter what kinda dancing you do. - I've danced with, and groped strangers at clubs, and I dont even know their name.

 

I know it's not the same, I was just saying we had a lot of physical contact early on, and I showed her I'm confident. I was the only guy that night to dance with the girls and actually come and invite her, to which she agreed.

 

So I'm sure your problem is that you need to kiss her, and not on accident.

- The explanations and every other excuse makes you seem weak to her.

 

I do think it's a little bit more than that, and I get what you're saying. But as I said there was an opportunity for me to do so and I went for it, but she didn't want to go there.

[CharlieFox]

I knew it was linked to her past! I disagree with everyone who's saying you should have had sex with her. I also disagree with your fear of her going off with someone else after you have invested time and effort into her. Considering the fact that you are willing to stand by her no matter what, proves you're an amazing guy. A bird doesn't feed its young expecting them to stay with them forever. The bird knows their chick will fly the nest someday yet still cares for her. It's called 'unconditional love.' Love her as much as you can. From today onwards destroy the fear of her going off with someone else because if you manifest that, that is exactly what will happen. Be good, do good, leave the rest to karma. X

 

Thank you again for your words. I felt the same way, and she acknowledged a few times out of nowhere that she is really happy that I'm not abandoning her when she's going through hard periods. It's not at all like I run to her house or demand to meet her and be her therapist, but more like calling sometimes in the evening to say hi, or send her some funny messages here and there to make her smile (which according to her words, always works).

 

And I noticed that everytime I don't text her or disappear for a few days, she seeks me and says she really misses me or feels my absence, or asking jokingly if I forgot about her or if I left her (although jokingly, on a few instances I sensed she was seriously worried that I in fact left). And now that we've been apart for a few weeks, and I'm here in the UK having a "summer job", I really didn't have much time recently to keep in contact with her, and every once in a while she writes, and seems even more enthusiastic to hear from me, dropping "I miss you!" more often and reminding me that she'll soon be back and can't wait to see me...

 

I mean, that confuses me even more to be honest, because I do like to think that she's attracted to me and my absence makes her realize it even more, but some people said already she might just want the attention, but she's an attractive girl and gets male attention ALL the time anyway... So I hope I'm on the right track right now, not ignoring her messages, but seeming less interested.

[Diezel]

 

It's not like I am not looking around and not meeting other girls, but I really haven't found one that attracts me as much as this one. I also had a few casual hookups with other girls, but I want a girl like this one for a relationship.

 

 

No, no, no, no, no.

 

This is EXACTLY what I said with the person it happened to me with. I'd meet other girls and everything seemed so superficial and shallow compared to that girl. I thought we had a connection and something special. What I realized was I hooked on the "hot" part of the relationship and how good we COULD BE together, but never really seemed to be.

 

Trust me, you think they aren't as great as this girl, but it's the push/pull that is keeping you attached.

 

Already you are comparing everyone else to her which means you are definitely emotionally invested.

 

You need to get out of this right NOW. Seriously, save yourself the misery and agony of the "cold" spots. A REAL relationship needs to be "hot" all the time.

 

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life with her?

[Diezel]

Good god, people. I just read the other responses... this isn't even about if he got laid or not. This is much deeper than that. This is about an emotionally unstable woman and a man who thinks he can white knight her into stability. Forget about the sexual activity, the emotions run deeper than that.

 

He needs to get OUT, and NOW.

[smackie9]

It doesn't sound crazy at all, and you are absolutely right. First of all, thank you for spending time to read my ****load of text, and you are spot on in your guess.

 

She had a very difficult past, very serious problems with parents, abuse, and past relationships, and at one point she felt very low in her life. I was actually a bit surprised when she opened up about these things to me, because she doesn't strike as that kind of person, she always smiles, but doesn't open up easily and trust anyone. And she is in fact very insecure. But she's trying to improve and better herself, and I like her for that, and I showed her that I support that and am willing to be next to her even in bad and hard times.

 

The thing is, I just get more and more confused, even if I don't show it to her. Because you never know if the time you're taking and being patient will pay off at the end and she won't just hook up with someone else who will hurt her again like before. She told me already it feels very nice for her to know I am next to her in her bad moments, but I don't want to just get stuck in the friend zone for doing it, you know?

Yup you are right, when they start to open up to you like that YOU ARE heading down the friends zone path. If she asks you whatz up just tell her you are tired or have been very busy blah blah blah. never get into one of those conversations again.

[smackie9]

Thank you again for your words. I felt the same way, and she acknowledged a few times out of nowhere that she is really happy that I'm not abandoning her .....

 

And I noticed that everytime I don't text her or disappear for a few days, she seeks me and says she really misses me or feels my absence, or asking jokingly if I forgot about her or if I left her (although jokingly, on a few instances I sensed she was seriously worried that I in fact left).

 

The screams insecure needy girl, run!