Should I stay or Should I go?

[earthfireuk]

Hi all, it’s been ages since I have been here but last time I got some very helpful advice so through id put my current issue out to see what you think. I have an issue and I’m not sure whether you guys can give me some advice possibly. Sorry it will be quite a lengthy one.

 

 

I have been with my current girlfriend for two months she’s 25 and I’m 30. It started great and we had the most fantastic connection. Spending every possible moment together, talking for hours on end and laughing and playing all night long. It all seemed fine. I would help her with housework, pay for food for her, take her out for meals just generally do anything I can to help her as she is a single mother.

 

 

She has a two year old daughter who she introduced me to early on and I did worry that it was too soon but I followed her lead and just went with it. I have never been out with a girl with a child before but I really cared for this girl and we had such a connection that I was/am willing to accept them as a package. We would all go to the park, took them out for lunch and to a children’s play barn. I felt that I was really making the effort to connect with both her and her daughter.

 

 

Then issues started to arise. I knew she drank a lot, I do quite a bit too but have noticed she seems to be drinking every night. She would go to work in a bar and drink constantly throughout her shift which didn’t bother me too much as I drink a fair bit too but after a while I started to see a change in her.

 

 

For me it started when one night we went for a drink after she had finished work. We walked to another pub and as soon as we got in she saw some guys that she knew and was pretty much all over them and told one of them that she wants to marry him one day. She was so flirtatious and all of a sudden I became the weird boyfriend standing in the corner smoking a cigarette. One of the guys actually came and apologized to me and said that he wasn’t trying to crack onto my girlfriend. I played it cool but I saw a side to her that night which worried me.

 

 

Next thing: I had planned to take her out to a spar at our local hotel and then a meal afterwards as her daughter had gone to her father’s for the weekend. She contacted me before saying that her friend came over and she has been drinking so won’t be able to go to the spar. I agreed that we would just go for the meal. After the meal she was pretty dunk and we sat outside to have a smoke and she asked me to lay on the grass with her. I said I couldn’t as I had a white shirt on and she stomped off saying that she thought we were on the same page… I couldn’t understand it. I pacified her and then booked a taxi. She got in the front with the taxi driver and proceeded to flirt with him (I feel deliberately to upset me) and kissed him on the cheek when she left the taxi outside her house. I was supposed to be staying around hers that night but was so angry with her behavior I said that I was going home. She swore at me and then dumped me…

 

 

After a couple of days she texted me saying that she misses me. I said the same back and we got back together again. She said that she was just terrified about getting into a relationship and she didn’t want her or her daughter to get hurt anymore. We agreed that we will limit my time with her daughter so as to not put any undue pressure on either of them.

Things were great again. We saw each other all the time and in reality I still saw her daughter as much as before. Still things were great though.

Then again. Me and a friend were supposed to be meeting her after she finished work to go for a drink. We were 10 mins late to meet her but texted her and told her that we were going to be a little late but to wait for us. When we got there, she had gone. We messaged her, called her and thought she might have already gone to the place where we were heading so went there in hope to find her. Eventually after about 2 hours she response and tells me that she is at a house party somewhere with some guys from the pub and its somewhere along a road but didn’t give me the address. Then, After much calling and texting she didn’t respond again. I was worried about her but just didn’t know where she was. She then texted later to tell me she was home but at that point I was so annoyed with her I just didn’t go and meet her and went home myself. The next day she was angry with me and upset because I didn’t meet her and was flaky saying she didn’t receive the text messages ect… it was so strange. I had to basically apologies just to make peace with her even though I was totally confused by what had happened and her lack of ability to make contact. We sorted it though so end of. I tried to forget about it.

 

 

Next time: Her daughter goes to her father’s again for a few days. Gfriend asks me if I will go to the pub with her while she is working as her boss was in a bad mood. I sat in there for three hours while she was working talking to the regulars. Then my friend came in. I suggested that we go somewhere else for a beer as was bored sitting in the pub. I told my girlfriend that I am going for 1 drink in the pub over the road and she was fine. I get to the pub 2 minutes later and I get a text from her saying that she was unhappy as she was going to come out and see me while she was working. I replied saying that I’m sorry but I have been there all night and have just popped out for a short while and will be back in a bit. She flipped out at me calling me patronizing and just escalated it so dramatically. Then she sent me a text saying I’m a great guy but we are not right for each other. I was so shocked! I didn’t think she would do this again. I’m the kinda guy that always wants to work through issues and always tries to be understanding. Again, I just couldn’t see what had just happened. After a couple of days I went to pick my stuff up from her house and we talked, I told her that she means the world to me and that I want to sort things out. She admitted she has an issue and said she will seek help and that we could get back together.

 

 

Then over the next days she told me bits and pieces about what she got up to over the weekend we broke up. She basically spent the next two nights getting drunk in the local pubs and flirting with loads of guys as she told me about things she got up to and it sounds very promiscuous. There’s now a guy who we both know from where she works who is hanging around her, who has made a pass at her in the two days that we were broken up and he is definitely attempting to wait in the wings. All of a sudden has been spending time with her at her house and went out with her during our short breakup. She said he made a pass at her but she refused. He is also a lot younger that her.

 

 

I guess I just feel like it has been one thing after another since we met and I have not done anything to cause it. I’m always very self aware, committed and willing to resolve things but this girl is just so crazy. I don’t trust her when she’s been drinking and I just can’t handle being with someone who is so hot and cold all the time. Last night I told her this is taking its toll on me as it is just blow after blow after blow and she didn’t even seem to take any responsibility. It just seems that its always what I can do for her and to make her feel better but such a lack of consideration for my feelings.

 

 

I’m sorry this was so long. I have bottled it up, questioned it over and over looking for reasons. She said she will get professional help and I was willing to help her but I’m just worried that It will get worse and effect me even more if I say with her. Do you think I should stay and try to help her through this or jump ship and save my ass before things get worse?

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and advice would be very much appreciated.

[Diezel]

I didn't even finish the post.

 

RUN AWAY from her.

 

Are you serious? Two months in and you already have a term paper on this girl.

[martaldn]

yes I agree with Diezel.

I would jump from that ship as soon as possible!

after 2 months that is too much to handle already!

[earthfireuk]

Cheers Guys, thanks for reading though. I really appreciate it! Just needed some outside input.

To be honest, the last few days i have been constantly hurting and am at the end of my patience now. Just couldn't understand how she sucked me in.. feel slightly foolish.

 

Thanks again guys

[martaldn]

Cheers Guys, thanks for reading though. I really appreciate it! Just needed some outside input.

To be honest, the last few days i have been constantly hurting and am at the end of my patience now. Just couldn't understand how she sucked me in.. feel slightly foolish.

 

Thanks again guys

 

I agree she is sucking you in big time and if she is already doing this after 2 months only I dont want to think what she will do after 2 years!

it sounds you are a nice guy and you can aim better than this. save yourself some heartache and invest your good energy and positive attitude into someone who really appreciate them

[Zahara]

I feel so sorry for this child that has a mother that is absolutely dysfunctional and destructive. I hope at least her father is a better influence and a good role model for her.

 

And you OP, you should know better than to keep subjecting yourself to emotional and verbal battery. Where is your self-esteem? Where are your boundaries? How can you even be asking if you should stay or go? 2 months in shouldn't keep you so deluded and emotionally crippled as to you not even being able to see right from wrong.

[Gaeta]

This woman isn't fit to be in a relationship or being a mother. What a shame! How many men do you think she introduced to this poor baby! The only smell this child will remember will be the smell of booze on his mom. 'shaking my head'.

 

She's a tramp and an alcoholic, leave and don't turn around. You cannot help her.

[ThorntonMelon]

I wouldn't waste your time on this but she screams BPD right down to the booze abuse and hot/cold.

[Mrin]

Run don't walk and never look back. Holycrap batman.

[earthfireuk]

I wouldn't waste your time on this but she screams BPD right down to the booze abuse and hot/cold.

 

Yeah I agree! I actually told her that I reckon she has BPD the other day when we had our big chat and she was in an open and understanding mood. I showed her the symptoms and I reckon she hits high on all of them. She said some of them but hopefully she will seek help soon. I fgeel a bit better knowing that I gave her a push as it is not just in her best interests, but any future guy she sucks in and also her daughter. Fingers crossed she follows through.

 

Thanks for your comment

[Jay77098]

Run away as fast as you can.

[Zahara]

Yeah I agree! I actually told her that I reckon she has BPD the other day when we had our big chat and she was in an open and understanding mood. I showed her the symptoms and I reckon she hits high on all of them. She said some of them but hopefully she will seek help soon. I fgeel a bit better knowing that I gave her a push as it is not just in her best interests, but any future guy she sucks in and also her daughter. Fingers crossed she follows through.

 

Thanks for your comment

 

Most times, people of such toxic nature don't seek help because they believe nothing is wrong with them. And even when they seek help, it is shortlived because the disorder is a more comfortable place to be in than the effort it takes to change. And change, takes years and even then it is never a guarantee.

 

If her daughter isn't enough motivation for her to change, showing her what BPD is, isn't going to do much.

[earthfireuk]

I agree she is sucking you in big time and if she is already doing this after 2 months only I dont want to think what she will do after 2 years!

it sounds you are a nice guy and you can aim better than this. save yourself some heartache and invest your good energy and positive attitude into someone who really appreciate them

 

Thanks that's really lovely of you to say Yeah your right, the whole thing seems all super rushed and everything happened so quickly. I feel like its been 2 years work of extremely relationship squeezed into two months!

Was a bit of a sickly sweet dream I guess. Well I stayed round there last night and haven't texted or heard from her today (Ive been the initiator recently), so am going to leave her for a bit and sort my head out and tell her the score.

[earthfireuk]

Most times, people of such toxic nature don't seek help because they believe nothing is wrong with them. And even when they seek help, it is shortlived because the disorder is a more comfortable place to be in than the effort it takes to change. And change, takes years and even then it is never a guarantee.

 

If her daughter isn't enough motivation for her to change, showing her what BPD is, isn't going to do much.

 

Yeah I read that just as people with BPD find it difficult to form relationships and commit in general, they also struggle to form bonds with therapists which can cause them to leave therapy.

 

I guess iv done all I can though. I cant magically heal her as much as I would love to be able to. Ill just have to leave her destiny in her own hands.

[earthfireuk]

This woman isn't fit to be in a relationship or being a mother. What a shame! How many men do you think she introduced to this poor baby! The only smell this child will remember will be the smell of booze on his mom. 'shaking my head'.

 

She's a tramp and an alcoholic, leave and don't turn around. You cannot help her.

 

I see how she is with her daughter and she is a good mother to her. I think the cracks are showing a bit though as she is often tired all the time. Which would naturally have an effect on her relationship with her daughter.

As far as I know Im one of two other guys she introduced to her daughter. The other guy went out with her for six months (how he managed to stick with that, I don't know!!??) but she left him because he was apparently too insecure. Well that was the main reason as far as I know. She is enough to make kilimanjaro insecure!

 

She isnt a bad person, she actually very charming, funny, intelligant ect. People like her. She is just very broken and it makes me sad to see the effect it will have on her life and her daughters.

[earthfireuk]

I see how she is with her daughter and she is a good mother to her. I think the cracks are showing a bit though as she is often tired all the time. Which would naturally have an effect on her relationship with her daughter.

As far as I know Im one of two other guys she introduced to her daughter. The other guy went out with her for six months (how he managed to stick with that, I don't know!!??) but she left him because he was apparently too insecure. Well that was the main reason as far as I know. She is enough to make kilimanjaro insecure!

 

She isnt a bad person, she actually very charming, funny, intelligant ect. People like her. She is just very broken and it makes me sad to see the effect it will have on her life and her daughters.

Id lust like to say. I have met her mother and can 100% see why she is the way she is. Her mother is not all there and was pretty nasty to her when she was growing up and her dad left. She has had a rough run.

[DALIFAN]

A term like BPD shouldn't be used in such a freely manner. It is a very hard psychiatric disorder, in which the person suffering from it is unable to distance themselves from their affects, hence resulting in periods of manic moods and depressive moods. I'm just saying, just because someone might exhibit extreme behavior and mixed and confusing behavior does by far not make her bipolar.

 

However I agree that it seems this young lady has "issues", which, why and if those will pass by is not up to us to know exactly.

 

It seems alcohol plays a huge role in your guys' relationship? And a lot of the stated arguments (in her case out of irrational reason) and the way she reacts have all been under the influence of alcohol. And alcohol is well known to disinhibit inhibition, hence acting irrationally. Who among us hasn't acted stupidly before when drunk?

Maybe trying to spend more time with her without alcohol could help?

However if it is important for you to have a partner you can share drinking as social activity with is important to you, then she might be the wrong one for you...

And the daily drinking is actually worrisome... Maybe you could talk to her about that?

 

And the 2months issue... If there are still so many issues while you guys are not inebriated and she still treats you like that, then I agree with everybody else: it will get worse with time...

 

It sounds like this relationship will require a lot of work and maybe you will be able to help and you guys could build something healthy but you have to ask yourself: are you willing to put your heart and sanity on the line for her? Will it work? (Your intuition is mostly right)

 

And to everybody judging her to be a bad mother. I really don't think that it's our place to do so. OP never mentioned anything about the way she is with or raises her daughter in his first post. Just because she might seem dysfunctional in her romantic relationships, does by far not make her a bad mother.

[earthfireuk]

A term like BPD shouldn't be used in such a freely manner. It is a very hard psychiatric disorder, in which the person suffering from it is unable to distance themselves from their affects, hence resulting in periods of manic moods and depressive moods. I'm just saying, just because someone might exhibit extreme behavior and mixed and confusing behavior does by far not make her bipolar.

 

However I agree that it seems this young lady has "issues", which, why and if those will pass by is not up to us to know exactly.

 

It seems alcohol plays a huge role in your guys' relationship? And a lot of the stated arguments (in her case out of irrational reason) and the way she reacts have all been under the influence of alcohol. And alcohol is well known to disinhibit inhibition, hence acting irrationally. Who among us hasn't acted stupidly before when drunk?

Maybe trying to spend more time with her without alcohol could help?

However if it is important for you to have a partner you can share drinking as social activity with is important to you, then she might be the wrong one for you...

And the daily drinking is actually worrisome... Maybe you could talk to her about that?

 

And the 2months issue... If there are still so many issues while you guys are not inebriated and she still treats you like that, then I agree with everybody else: it will get worse with time...

 

It sounds like this relationship will require a lot of work and maybe you will be able to help and you guys could build something healthy but you have to ask yourself: are you willing to put your heart and sanity on the line for her? Will it work? (Your intuition is mostly right)

 

And to everybody judging her to be a bad mother. I really don't think that it's our place to do so. OP never mentioned anything about the way she is with or raises her daughter in his first post. Just because she might seem dysfunctional in her romantic relationships, does by far not make her a bad mother.

 

Thanks for your comment. I agree, psychological disorders shouldn't be used freely. However im a counseling student and can see some traits of Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

Yes we all are susceptible to irrational behavior when we are drunk but it seems to be solely directed at me and there is just no way of being able to reason with it. If it was just a drunken argument then i would try to discuss it and sort it when she was sober but its still hard to get through to her. Part of her believes she is right and part of her knows she is behaving irrationally. We talked about it the other day and she still believes that I have been the instigator of the arguments as I made her feel that way.

 

Its not important for me to have a partner who drinks. I have slipped a bit and started drinking more but am working on that. I am significantly reducing the amount I drink. However, its hard when every night she want to drink. We have talked about her drinking and she said she will reduce it but then gives up and starts back drinking a couple of bottles of wine a night again.

 

We have tried to start again now and made an agreement that we will try to put it behind us and start over a fresh. Feel slightly foolish for doing so but time will soon tell.

 

We sat outside in her garden last night with her friends and they were talking about past relationships and she was saying how she wishes the relationship she had when she was 18 didn't end. She said that out of all of her ex boyfriends, he was the one she wishes would have married her and how much she loved him and then proceeded to say well at least it lead her onto her next boyfriend and then her next boyfriend... Where was I in all this? I was sitting there listening to this and it really upset me. I felt as though I was kind of irrelevant as she was romanticizing about her past loves.

When her friends had gone I told her this and that It made me feel second best and uncomfortable and she said "make it better than that one then". I said "I try every day but it hurts me when you say things like that". She avoided any further conversation about it. I feel as though she doesn't consider my feelings and when I raise something, she avoids talking about it and then I have to try to deal with it on my own.

[Zippy2000]

I m not sure why you asked for our advice but your post shows so many red flags and within 2 months of dating.

 

I see a very long and rocky road ahead.

 

You already know your answer but I believe you want us people on LS to back you up.

 

My opinion? I d say dissolve this fast. The longer your in this relationship the harder its going to be to leave after so much investment.

 

Good luck what ever your decision.

[earthfireuk]

I m not sure why you asked for our advice but your post shows so many red flags and within 2 months of dating.

 

I see a very long and rocky road ahead.

 

You already know your answer but I believe you want us people on LS to back you up.

 

My opinion? I d say dissolve this fast. The longer your in this relationship the harder its going to be to leave after so much investment.

 

Good luck what ever your decision.

 

Thanks Zippy. I guess, I asked your advice as wanted to see what other people thought and I appreciate the feedback. I guess, I just thought this was something extra special initially and for some reason I'm having difficulties walking away from this one.

Yeah, i know i have an answer but have just been using LS to vent.

 

Thank you again.

[earthfireuk]

That's it, I have had enough now and am going to end it. I took her little brother who she is looking after to the cinema last night while she was working. Went to meet her to walk her back after she finished work and she wanted to stay out for a drink after work. We went to another pub and she started talking to a guy she knew. I got involved and we were having a nice conversation. Then, in front of me she starts reminicing with him about the time he went hone with her and hooked up with him. I felt so uncomfortable and left her with him and went back inside the pub. On the walk home, she was annoyed with me for walking off. I tried to make her understand that her behaviour hurt me and she wouldn't listen and told mw I have mummy issues (my mum passed away a few years ago) and that its always about me ECT. She was so hurtful. I tried to be diplomatic and meet her half way but she wouldn't budge

I can honestly say I have never met someone who is so inconsiderate of other peoples feelings. She said she is happy and will not change

There is no more I can do. :-(

[GemmaUK]

I hope this is the end of all this for you.

 

She sounds like a nightmare!

[Noproblem]

I didn't finish what you wrote

 

but this girl has no concern for her baby girl

 

She drinks excessively, if she can't reduce that for the sake of her own baby

 

what can she offer to you?

 

 

Really... being an alcoholic is a problem and if one living in denial thinking it's OK, he'd better think again..

 

A mother should have fun and enjoy her life, but to be reckless like this..

 

No, thank you!

[soccerrprp]

I agree with others that you should move on. Not b/c she doesn't deserve someone good in her life, someone who will tell it like it is, but b/c YOU deserve better. I feel for the girl. It's sad that your ex isn't more aware of her condition and how it's contributing to failure of her relationships and eventual impact it will make on the child.

[earthfireuk]

Update: Hi all, just to update you. I was silly and ended getting back with her after the last breakup.

 

Since then she has flirted with a mutual friend and upset both myself and his girlfriend. She went out after work and left me at home looking after her daughter and didnt get back till 4:30 in the morning. When she got back she was dropped off by a guy who I heard kissing her goodbye on the doorstep (several kisses, sounded dodgy). Then had to look after her daughter when she was very hung over the next day. All her behavior made me insecure so I looked at her phone (not proud of myself) and this guy has asked her out on date and they have been talking on facebook a lot. Also found texts from a young guy who was waiting in the wings when we broke up for a couple of days in the beginning. Texts like " I feel like a naughty school teacher perving on a school boy" (hes only 17). Another text from him read " I want to come over and cuddle you and I really wanted to stay over last night". She said that "it was probably for the best he didn't stay as the neighbors might talk" and he said that "You didnt say that last last night" to which she replied she was drunk. I left the phone on her bed on the text messages and left her house in the early hours of the morning very upset. She then got extremely angry with me for looking at her phone and dumped me again. I tried to explain that she made me feel insecure, but as far as she was concerned it was my issue and I have a mental issue apparently. I tried to confront her about the texts and she gave me some garbled excuse and said I miss read them. She has no ability to empathize or show compassion and understanding.

 

Even after that, guess what. I was stupid enough to get back together with her. Yes, I know... i clearly do have codependancy issues. Then the final straw came when she was very drunk the other night and we were at her friends house for her birthday. She joking said to them that after the meal she is going to go out and let me look after her daughter. Her friends said "Too soon to joke". Then on the way back she called me a C*nt for reading her phone the other day and beiing upset with her for coming back at 4:30 in the morning ect. I told her that thats a pretty harsh thing to say and very unfair that she called me that. She got seriously angry and told me to go home and that she doesnt want me in her house. Then she texted me dumping me again. I have never met anyone like it. She has a serious issue. If I acted one how she has acted, I would feel guilt, remorse and apologize. She has never done that and doesn't seem to have the capacity for it. Im actually feeling a lot better now though that the last breakups as i have realized completely that I can do nothing that will mend this. I have tried and tried to work but she wont ever meet me half way. Everything that has ever happened between us has been my fault, not hers. Im always willing to accept responsibility for my own part in any conflict but I started to accept responsibility just to keep the peace, when I knew I was right. I started to doubt my own memory of events and try so hard to understand her point of view that I lost my own. All this in 4 months. Heres to rebuilding my self! I have a lot of work to do.