Worried I may not be good enough for her

[ASAP91]

Hi guys, this is my first post on this forum, I thought I'd share my feelings with you all and just ask for advise really.

 

So I've been seeing this girl for about 3 months now, I know that seems really short but we have been best friends for around 7 years, used to date in the past but broke up and got closer as friends and that's how we developed a close really close friendship and relationship.

 

The issue is something that's been on my mind for a while and that's that I don't feel as if I am good enough for her, everything is perfect now but I am the type of person that over thinks too much and I've been thinking of my future with her and its really eating me up. She's 20 and at university studying pharmacy and I'm 23, not at university but I'm working holding down a decent job (uni isn't really my thing and not for everyone) I guess paying £18,000 per year. Now the problem began when one of my friends at work lost his girlfriend because she didn't think he was able to provide for her financially if you know what I mean, she has a really really well paying job and he's on roughly the same as me so she felt he wasn't on her level if that makes sense. That whole scenario has really messed me up because its got me thinking like oh gosh, I know my girlfriend will most likely get a really good job as a pharmacist and that will pay way more than what I am on and I wouldn't want her to think I'm just tagging along with her on my £18,000 a year while she's on something like £25,000 a year for example. Its got me really scared I guess thinking she might leave me in the future because I may not be making as much money as she is.

 

I know you might be thinking well if she does leave because of that then she wasn't worth it or didn't love you because love conquers all but she may just feel like I don't make enough money but not in a shallow way if you know what I mean. I've spoke to her about this before because we are best friends too so I feel comfortable bringing this up with her, she sort of laughed it off saying I'm just worrying too much or over thinking but when we really got taking about it properly she was like 'I don't know what you want me to say because we don't know what the future will bring' things like that.

 

So right now, I'm just worried. We are perfectly happy right now, she actually lives on her own in a student accommodation flat and we see each other regularly, everything right now is great! I'm just worried about the future and I don't want her to think lets say 5 years from now when she's got her degree and a good job that I might be holding her back. That's the word I've been looking for! I don't want her to feel like I'm holding her back.

 

I hope you guys take the time to read all this and just give me some advise or something because I really like her and just want these feelings out my head or something.

 

Thanks!

[I am Bud]

Dear ASAP91

 

You need to put a lid on your insecurity because I have a strange suspicion that it could potentially become a self fulfilling prophecy if you keep this up. If you continue to whisper it in her hear then eventually she might believe it one day. Propaganda and marketing works in the same way. You tell the masses something often and long enough and they will eventually believe it.

 

Do not be concerned about what the future holds. Nobody knows what's going to happen to them tomorrow so stop your worrying about who earns the most money in the relationship. If you are happy with your job and she is happy in her job then it's going to work out just fine. When you do start a family it might just mean that you have to take maternity leave and look after the baby. This would make sense since she would be earning more income. Would you have any issues with looking after the baby?!

 

At the present point in time you have a perfectly healthy relationship that is devoid of any negativity. So why try to sour that situation by introducing some? Being that you are aware of the type of person that you are, you have to be mindful as to what type of thoughts you let into your life and your partners. You have to discipline yourself not to let the fear get hold of you. If you concentrate on only letting positive energy and thinking into your relationship then it will stand to become much more robust in times of hardships. You yourself has the power to control your thoughts so be mindful not to pollute it with negativity.

 

All the best - Bud.

[lollipopspot]

Well, you can keep improving yourself financially so you will have more to offer eventually.

 

But - for most people, as long as you're working and bringing in enough to live on, even if it's not extravagant, that's good enough. I would never turn down love and a best friend just because I made more than they do.

 

I've known a female doctor who was married to male construction worker, and they were perfectly happy.

 

For plenty of people, money is not a strong motivator and they don't have a lot of ego wrapped up in it. Don't let your income define your worth.

[ASAP91]

Yeah you're both right, I don't want to keep mentioning this to her because I don't want to slowly push her away. It's just something that's been bugging me and I don't want it to become an issue

[Assasda]

You attract what you fear

[todreaminblue]

i would much rather as a female have a guy be happy, passionate and content with the work he does than be financially motivated to bring in the cash.....i really do believe that not many women who loved their guy would leave them because they earn less......apathy is a different matter but a motivated guy who wants stability and is happy with the work he does is a better option than a guy who earns a load of money and hates the work he does or is under a high amount of pressure or stress....thats my feelings on the matter though ..i really dont think or feel you should stress over soemthign that hasnt happened yet, its really jumping the gun.......i do believe if a woman loved a man his earning potential isnt normally part of loving that guy..i am curious to why you split up thopugh when you dated before?....deb

[xxmusical]

If you feel you're not good enough for her, work even harder on your career, improve yourself (you could take short courses?), and stay motivated.

 

At the same time, enjoy your moment with her. Your gf is right, you both don't know what the future holds. So the only thing you could really do right now is continue to love your gf, work hard on your job, and work on your confidence.

 

The more you bring it up, the more she'll actually start believing that money (or your job, etc) is a factor.

 

Additionally, the more you compare yourself with others, the more miserable and troubled you will be. Focus on yourself

[kassy]

Agree with the others you need to stop this negative talk.

 

In addition I suggest if you have debt pay it off ASAP. Then you have a decent salary, save as much as you can, without being rediculous. As a young footloose and fancy free man with a decent job you should have a large amount of disposable income. If you work out an amount you can save from each pay check then set up an automatic transfer for that amount to go out of your account the next day to a separate bank account at a different bank where you have no credit card/debit card or cheque book. Try not to take money out of this unless it's for investment.

 

The plan is while she is studying you save up a nice nest egg and get a solid financial base behind you. A deposit for a house in the future or for investments.

 

If it works out between you, you will be able to contribute significantly to your future together as she is just getting started financially. If you break up then you are still financially sound.

 

Never underestimate how someone on a lower income who is financially sensible (not tight but sensible) can end up doing much much better financially over time than someone who earns more but spends every penny, and definitely better than those who live beyond their means.

 

If you saved say £250 per month for example for 5years you would have £15,000 in the bank. Not bad for 28.

 

Rather than focus on the difference in income, focus on the head start you have to set yourself up financially.

[ASAP91]

i would much rather as a female have a guy be happy, passionate and content with the work he does than be financially motivated to bring in the cash.....i really do believe that not many women who loved their guy would leave them because they earn less......apathy is a different matter but a motivated guy who wants stability and is happy with the work he does is a better option than a guy who earns a load of money and hates the work he does or is under a high amount of pressure or stress....thats my feelings on the matter though ..i really dont think or feel you should stress over soemthign that hasnt happened yet, its really jumping the gun.......i do believe if a woman loved a man his earning potential isnt normally part of loving that guy..i am curious to why you split up thopugh when you dated before?....deb

 

The reason we split up before is because we were both really young, she was 16 at the time and really wasn't ready for a relationship so we decided to just be friends and overtime we grew closer, that's how we became best friends and were really happy now.

 

Thanks everyone for the comments though, I think the problem is with me and my lack of confidence, I tend to just think the worst outcome in a lot of things

[ASAP91]

Agree with the others you need to stop this negative talk.

 

In addition I suggest if you have debt pay it off ASAP. Then you have a decent salary, save as much as you can, without being rediculous. As a young footloose and fancy free man with a decent job you should have a large amount of disposable income. If you work out an amount you can save from each pay check then set up an automatic transfer for that amount to go out of your account the next day to a separate bank account at a different bank where you have no credit card/debit card or cheque book. Try not to take money out of this unless it's for investment.

 

The plan is while she is studying you save up a nice nest egg and get a solid financial base behind you. A deposit for a house in the future or for investments.

 

If it works out between you, you will be able to contribute significantly to your future together as she is just getting started financially. If you break up then you are still financially sound.

 

Never underestimate how someone on a lower income who is financially sensible (not tight but sensible) can end up doing much much better financially over time than someone who earns more but spends every penny, and definitely better than those who live beyond their means.

 

If you saved say £250 per month for example for 5years you would have £15,000 in the bank. Not bad for 28.

 

Rather than focus on the difference in income, focus on the head start you have to set yourself up financially.

 

Thanks for this. This is something I have actually discussed with her and have been saving up for a number of years already. I want to be able to make a contribution and not feel as if I'm just tagging along.

[ASAP91]

I just have a lot of fear and lacking self confidence really. Its just the fact that I'm afraid of her feeling in the future that I'm not good enough financially, don't want her to feel like I'm tagging along. I'm holding down a decent job I guess at £18,000 but its difficult to see any further progression. Like I said, she'll start at around £25,000 and will reach £30,000+ if she is successful and if I'm at around the £18,000 mark it just makes me worry that she might think I'm not good enough or able to provide or not as ambitious as she is. Im sort of struggling to see how I can take that next step in my own life you know, like that next stage in life. Wow I'm 23 and feel like I'm in a mid-life crisis...

[GemmaUK]

I just have a lot of fear and lacking self confidence really. Its just the fact that I'm afraid of her feeling in the future that I'm not good enough financially, don't want her to feel like I'm tagging along. I'm holding down a decent job I guess at £18,000 but its difficult to see any further progression. Like I said, she'll start at around £25,000 and will reach £30,000+ if she is successful and if I'm at around the £18,000 mark it just makes me worry that she might think I'm not good enough or able to provide or not as ambitious as she is. Im sort of struggling to see how I can take that next step in my own life you know, like that next stage in life. Wow I'm 23 and feel like I'm in a mid-life crisis...

 

Oh shush!

 

Something to bump you up some....

You have knowledge of work..as in work in a workplace.

 

She doesn't have that yet.

 

You have heard of 'street smart' or 'street cred' yes?

Meaning 'having wits about you so you know how to handle yourself'

 

Much as qualifications are great...honestly, those who I have worked with as graduates had problems with working the coffee machine!

(no offence intended to your gf here).

 

This will all pan out..you need to stop worrying. Also, don;t tell her you feel lesser or she will begin to believe you (self fulfilling prophecy).

If you were sitting at home all day playing computer games and earning no money...then worry...

[HappyLove]

I think the problem isn't the potential income. The problem is that you aren't fully happy in your career decision. You see that there isn't much more to your career path and your projecting this on her. Why don't you look into a trade that pays a lot for example mechanic or plumbing. That way you could be happy not having to go to uni and you could increase your salary as well.

[ASAP91]

Oh shush!

 

Something to bump you up some....

You have knowledge of work..as in work in a workplace.

 

She doesn't have that yet.

 

You have heard of 'street smart' or 'street cred' yes?

Meaning 'having wits about you so you know how to handle yourself'

 

Much as qualifications are great...honestly, those who I have worked with as graduates had problems with working the coffee machine!

(no offence intended to your gf here).

 

This will all pan out..you need to stop worrying. Also, don;t tell her you feel lesser or she will begin to believe you (self fulfilling prophecy).

If you were sitting at home all day playing computer games and earning no money...then worry...

 

Thank you for this! Don't worry no offence taken, she's really smart and I know she'll succeed. I'd like to believe it'll all pan out and I'm just worrying about nothing. I think I need to learn to be more confident within myself really...