Rochelle95 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Hi I think I stuffed up and I’m not sure there is a way out. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I guess like any couple we spoke about fantasies. One of them was the typical male fantasy of a threesome. I always played along and told him maybe one day. When I said that I was genuine, I did think that given the right set of circumstances it’s something that I would have considered. So about two months ago it happened. We were at a party, I was very drunk and I approached a woman and after flirting most of the night eventually asked her and she said yes. When I put it to my boyfriend he made very sure it was something I really wanted before saying yes. So we went home and spent the rest on the weekend together and have to say it was the best thing I have ever done. I was impressed that my boyfriend didn’t just jump on her but instead focused heavily on me. As far as I was concerned that fantasy has now been lived out. As much as I enjoyed it it’s not something I want to make a regular part of my relationship. Of course now that my boyfriend has had a taste he wants more. I wouldn’t go so far to say he’s hassling me but he’s certainly raised in a number of times over the last couple of months. She has also friended me on facebook and has expressed interest if we were to ever do it again. I guess my question is will my boyfriend learn to accept that this was a once off, or at the very best a very very irregular thing or have I opened a door that will be impossible to close? I don’t want to lose him but I can’t envisage myself as “that woman”, the one who is always having threesomes. Have I lost my boyfriend for a night experimenting? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Did you make it clear to him that it was a one-off? What was his reaction? Accepting a FB friend invite from her is probably a bad idea (for you and your BF). Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 No you haven't lost him. Now close that door for good. By not making it clear to him it's not gonna happen again you're just keeping his hope up, that's why he talks about it. Defriend that women, tell her to not contact you or your bf you are moving on, tell the boyfriend it was a one time thing now it's time to get back to your regular lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rochelle95 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Did you make it clear to him that it was a one-off? What was his reaction? Accepting a FB friend invite from her is probably a bad idea (for you and your BF). Not beforehand I didn't as beforehand it was just a fantasy that had a remote chance of maybe happening one day. I have since told him that it would be extremely unlikely to ever happen again. I probably should have said never in hindsight. He doesn't believe me anyway, he says how can you spend a full day and a half with someone and thoroughly enjoy it and then say never again. Despite my insistence that the fantasy has now been fulfilled he clearly is not convinced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rochelle95 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Defriend that women, tell her to not contact you or your bf you are moving on, tell the boyfriend it was a one time thing now it's time to get back to your regular lives. Yes you're right. Defriending her is a little more complicated as we work at the same place. We were never really friends before hence why she wasn't already a facebook friend. My concern is though that even if I do as you suggest is he going to play ball? Or is he just going to want to scratch that itch now? Link to post Share on other sites
TXGuy Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 You say you don't want it to be a part of your regular relationship, which is probably a good idea. But since you enjoyed it so much and it made your boyfriend happy, perhaps you could revisit it once a year or so. That would make a great annual birthday present. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JungleLover Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I will tell you what worked on me after my ex and I had a threesome with one of her friends. She almost never discussed it again and simply said that now that she did it, she does not ever want to share me with any one again. I accepted that and I never pushed for it again over the 5 years we were together. So I would suggest that you tell him that now that it is done, you don't want to share him again. You can't ever give him hope again. Doing that will likely make it come up again sporadically throughout the relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rochelle95 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 perhaps you could revisit it once a year or so. That would make a great annual birthday present. lols, I don't think so. That may be yours and every others guys fantasy but it's not mine. If it ever happens again it will be as unplanned as this time, it may be next week, it may be never. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rochelle95 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 She almost never discussed it again So I would suggest that you tell him that now that it is done I totally get telling him it's done, I've been trying to get him to understand that but I can't see the point of not discussing it. We did it, it was fun, why shouldn't we be able to discuss it without him thinking it's going to be an ongoing thing? Link to post Share on other sites
JungleLover Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I totally get telling him it's done, I've been trying to get him to understand that but I can't see the point of not discussing it. We did it, it was fun, why shouldn't we be able to discuss it without him thinking it's going to be an ongoing thing? Well, you won't be able to have it both ways. Discussing it will send mixed signals and give him the impression that you enjoyed it which is true. This will only give him hope that you will possibly be down for doing it again. As a man, he will be focused on making it happen again, I assure. When I did it with my ex, I told my father (I was 24 at the time) and the first thing out of his mouth to me was "you can never bring it up to her again" and I really saw why. If you are not open to it happening again, don't talk about it again or talk about it fondly. He will try his hardest to make it happen again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I worry that you have shown him on a subconscious level that being with other partners is acceptable. You have to take a hard, firm stance that it was a spontaneous, one-off thing and if it keeps coming up, you're gone. Why so I get the feeling that you opened Pandora's box now? Oh, maybe because your partner is already trying to find a way to sleep with her again. Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I think OP is more afraid of the stigma of it. You think that your mate will think less of you. Its a matter of trust, it depends on how long you've been with your boyfriend and how well he knows you. I think you'd have no problem revisiting it if your relationship was stronger, but right now you're not really sure how your BF views you. Things like this have to be done when the couple has a long, stable relationship, full of trust Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 This whole situation reeks of selfishness to me. You decide you want a threesome, you hit on a girl of your choosing, and you do the deed. Your boyfriend enjoyed himself, but since you have decided you don't want to do it again, it's not going to happen again. It seems to me like the scales aren't balanced fairly in your relationship. This. You're hoisted on your own petard. Basically you have to say never ever again to your BF and recognize there is a decent chance you've lost him. Link to post Share on other sites
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Oh dear... I think this is the end for your relationship now... maybe you will get through it but fantasies should be just that x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 lols, I don't think so. That may be yours and every others guys fantasy but it's not mine. If it ever happens again it will be as unplanned as this time, it may be next week, it may be never. Part of what got you into this problem situation is exactly that it was unplanned and spontaneous. You didn't establish boundaries (e.g. "this is definitely a one-time-thing") and now you are struggling with the consequences. I totally get telling him it's done, I've been trying to get him to understand that but I can't see the point of not discussing it. We did it, it was fun, why shouldn't we be able to discuss it without him thinking it's going to be an ongoing thing? Do you realize that talking about the fantasy was part of the turn on that led to wanting to actually do it? So discussing it after the fact won't cease to be that same turn on, just because you said it's not going to happen again. And you don't even believe that yourself - you said it may happen some time, maybe next week, maybe never... How clear can you possibly be with your boyfriend when you aren't even fully committed to the "never" option yourself? I think to get yourself out of this situation and normalize your relationship will require firm boundaries and unambiguous clarity, but you are living in a land of "why can't we discuss it but not do it" and "maybe it could happen again if it's unplanned..." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
InnocentMan Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Good luck putting this genie back in its bottle. Perhaps you could suggest that the next time you do it with a male, instead of a female as the third wheel. This may temper your boyfriends enthusiasm for another go. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Good luck putting this genie back in its bottle. Perhaps you could suggest that the next time you do it with a male, instead of a female as the third wheel. This may temper your boyfriends enthusiasm for another go. Ah yes... the "Devil's Threesome." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 The problem I find here is not at all what you did, rather than a communication and respect problem. You have clearly stated you don't ever want to repeat what happened (whatever that was). He has to respect that and back off, if he values your 3 years relationship more than a random sex act. This is the part where you need to concentrate on, to state clearly this was an one time thing and expect from him to respect you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 The problem I find here is not at all what you did, rather than a communication and respect problem. You have clearly stated you don't ever want to repeat what happened (whatever that was). I think part of the problem is that she's not been as clear as you're giving her credit for... I have since told him that it would be extremely unlikely to ever happen again. I probably should have said never in hindsight. ...after being told she needs to make it clear to him, she says "even if I do...", as if it hasn't been made clear yet: My concern is though that even if I do as you suggest is he going to play ball? If it ever happens again it will be as unplanned as this time, it may be next week, it may be never. From her comments, I don't think we can infer that she has made it clear to him. That's one of my concerns: she does need to make it crystal clear, but I think she's still living in ambiguity-land. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 I think part of the problem is that she's not been as clear as you're giving her credit for... Exactly. She has to make it clear once and for all and not show as wishy washy. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Rochelle95, I agree that the wishy-washiness is a problem. Because it's not really fair to say, "No threesomes ever again ... oh, except if I happen to decide one day that I'm in the mood, which may or may not happen again." Even though you do genuinely feel that way, you can see why it's a problem to express that stance to your BF. A) It puts things completely on YOUR terms -- everything's dictated by your whims. Not a great dynamic, B) To your BF, that sounds like an open door, so he's going to keep thinking about it. Since you sound positive you don't want this to be any sort of regular thing, I think it's easiest to just say, "That was a one-time thing. No more. It was fun, but I saw that I don't like sharing you" and try your best to stick with that, despite the curiosities that may emerge. If your BF can't handle that, well, I guess you've got a problem there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rochelle95 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 Thanks for all the replies and I take on board what the consensus is, that I need to say never again no mater what (even though that's not 100% accurate, but very close). I do understand that this problem was of my making, I thought this could be some great pillow talk that we alone share, I guess guys brains don't work that way. Surely he understands that a threesome every weekend is just not going to make it special if and when it does happen. Since you sound positive you don't want this to be any sort of regular thing, I think it's easiest to just say, "That was a one-time thing. No more. It was fun, but I saw that I don't like sharing you" That may be an issue. Saying it wont happen again is easy, saying I didn't like sharing him wont work as he knows very well that it was the opposite. I think that approach has to be off the table. I think OP is more afraid of the stigma of it. I must admit when I read this I laughed at it but after giving it some thought I think there is an element of truth to it. I certainly don't want to be the "swinging couple" or whatever else we would be referred to as. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Well, given your slightly conflicted feelings, and the fact that you DID very much enjoy it ... Maybe it's best to be 100 percent honest with your BF. Like, "Yes, that was a lot of fun, I'm hesitantly open to the possible rare thing here and there in the future... but I'm really concerned about the type of door it could open and the way it could change our relationship." You need to acknowledge the complexities that could be around the corner -- more experimentation, group sex, swinging, polyamory -- which could radically alter your dynamics. It sounds like you're certain you want to be in a more traditional, committed, closed relationship, and you don't want to venture into that sort of minefield with your boyfriend. You need to A) Make sure you're both on the same page there, and B) Openly discuss how you might be able to keep the door open to occasional experimentation while not crossing the line into a completely different style of relationship. It's a gray area... there's got to be room for some kind of middle ground, if you both are secure with each other and open-minded. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rochelle95 Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 Maybe it's best to be 100 percent honest with your BF. Like, "Yes, that was a lot of fun, I'm hesitantly open to the possible rare thing here and there in the future... but I'm really concerned about the type of door it could open and the way it could change our relationship." Thank You !!! I am going to use that. I just have to add that I don't want him to constantly ask when can we do it again and hopefully he's down with that. If he's willing to keep his mouth shut and not constantly ask and constantly pick out prospective partners then this could work out in the end after all. Fingers crossed. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I think you lost him the minute he announced he wants a threesome You will never be enough to him.. Walk way while you still can 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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