Iris17 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Been with my Bf for almost a year. Before we started dating we knew each other for 3 years and Before we got together we used to go out a few times,we would drink and smoke together and I even taught him how to roll tobacco rollies. About 1 or 2 weeks after we made it official, one day I told him I was gonna go out for a smoke. He said to me that he wants me to quit smoking, he doesn't like it when his gf smokes. I thought he was joking so I said well you should quit too. He said he will quit one day when he wants to but he was serious about me quitting. I don't smoke too much but I smoke more when I drink or go out and he has seen me smoking a number of times. He is very serious about it because every time when I'm about to go for a smoke he makes a big deal out of it. His comment shocks me and start to feel that I have to sneak out for a smoke and sometimes we would even argue about it because I said no I will quit when I want to and said he knew I smoke before we dated. I feel like this is wrong on so many levels. I would understand if he is not a smoker himself or if he plans to quit together. I know smoking is bad, please don't lecture me on that. I plan to quit too but on my own. I exercise regularly and eat healthily but I don't need a bf to tell me to not smoke especially when he is a smoker. I try to let this go but I just can't I feel that it s wrong on so many levels. Why is he doing this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris17 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Just wanna add that my own father doesn't even try to stop me from smoking and he doesn't smoke himself Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Your Boyfriend is controlling. Does he try to control where you go out and when you go out as well? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I feel it shows he cares about you and your health...if it came down to your bf or the cigarette which would you choose?......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 When you smoke, and you are okay with you smoking but your partner is not, it is your partner who has the problem. Don't change what you like because he demands it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris17 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Your Boyfriend is controlling. Does he try to control where you go out and when you go out as well? No not at all, he lets me go out whenever I want. He is good with that. I just don't understand 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 No not at all, he lets me go out whenever I want. He is good with that. I just don't understand if he is good to you in every way besides the smoking thing...i would say it is because he cares about you and your health like i said above.....it will probably come down to a choice ....your bf or the smoke or you will continually argue over this one thing....what do you feel you woudl choose if it came down to it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Why he doesn't like it exactly? It's not like the smell of smoke bothers him he's full of it himself. It's not a health issue because he's doing it himself. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 No not at all, he lets me go out whenever I want. He is good with that. I just don't understand Its good that he shared his opinion with you, and you know where he stands, but if you want to smoke, he shouldnt be able to stop you. And if it comes to chosing him over smoking, chose the smoking, because grown women should be able to make decisions on their own 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris17 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 I feel it shows he cares about you and your health...if it came down to your bf or the cigarette which would you choose?......deb I understand he cares for my health and Of course I would choose him over cigarettes but I want to quit on my own not when he 'tells' me to. It was not like 'oh by the way...you know i think it would be better for you if you stop smoking...' I don't think this is the issue here, the way he told was like a demand. He said smoking affects women more when they are going to have children. I argued that it also reduce sperm count in men when they smoke so he should quit too. I said let's quit together but no..he wants to quit when he wants. I don't like hypocrites personally, never ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I understand he cares for my health and Of course I would choose him over cigarettes but I want to quit on my own not when he 'tells' me to. It was not like 'oh by the way...you know i think it would be better for you if you stop smoking...' I don't think this is the issue here, the way he told was like a demand. He said smoking affects women more when they are going to have children. I argued that it also reduce sperm count in men when they smoke so he should quit too. I said let's quit together but no..he wants to quit when he wants. I don't like hypocrites personally, never ever. This seems insteresting now. Are you 2 trying to have a baby? if so, Why did you leave that part out to mislead us? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris17 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Why he doesn't like it exactly? It's not like the smell of smoke bothers him he's full of it himself. It's not a health issue because he's doing it himself. Why? Please see my post above when I asked him why. When he gave me that reason I then think, hypocrite and sexist. It makes me mad. He probably really doesn't like women who smokes but why date me. I made sure he knew from the start so it upsets me even though I know I can quit, smoking is not important for me. But why does he want to continue to smoke and tells me to stop? I have smoked less since sometimes I don't smoke for weeks. But I just can't let go of what he said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris17 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 This seems insteresting now. Are you 2 trying to have a baby? if so, Why did you leave that part out to mislead us? No we are not trying at all. Also if I was going to have baby I am smart and educated enough to not smoke or drink. This is also my defence to him. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I understand he cares for my health and Of course I would choose him over cigarettes but I want to quit on my own not when he 'tells' me to. It was not like 'oh by the way...you know i think it would be better for you if you stop smoking...' I don't think this is the issue here, the way he told was like a demand. He said smoking affects women more when they are going to have children. I argued that it also reduce sperm count in men when they smoke so he should quit too. I said let's quit together but no..he wants to quit when he wants. I don't like hypocrites personally, never ever. if you are planning on falling pregnant it is more important that you give up.....it is also important he give up too but.......yes it actually counts more if you want to carry a baby to full term and have that baby be nourished that you cease smoking......why he wants you to give up is obviously related to the baby you guys have plans of having probably...the sperm count may be lower for a guy who smokes but the chance of a smoker miscarrying are much higher...miscarriage is devastating..respiratory problems in babies born to smokers is also higher.........trust me...if you plan on starting a family give up for the baby ....you plan to have in the future and let your body recover from the effects of smoking before you fall pregnant take your vitamins and folate and.......good luck and best wishes....deb Link to post Share on other sites
TXGuy Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Please see my post above when I asked him why. When he gave me that reason I then think, hypocrite and sexist. It makes me mad. He probably really doesn't like women who smokes but why date me. I made sure he knew from the start so it upsets me even though I know I can quit, smoking is not important for me. But why does he want to continue to smoke and tells me to stop? I have smoked less since sometimes I don't smoke for weeks. But I just can't let go of what he said. It is a double standard, but there are lots of them out there. I imagine you prefer that he did the initial asking out and the initial paying, etc. I'm not suggesting you go along with this, but stop the feminist rant of it being sexist. I'm sure you enjoy many of the women beneficial double standards and I doubt you rail about them being sexist as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris17 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 if you are planning on falling pregnant it is more important that you give up.....it is also important he give up too but.......yes it actually counts more if you want to carry a baby to full term and have that baby be nourished that you cease smoking......why he wants you to give up is obviously related to the baby you guys have plans of having probably...the sperm count may be lower for a guy who smokes but the chance of a smoker miscarrying are much higher...miscarriage is devastating..respiratory problems in babies born to smokers is also higher.........trust me...if you plan on starting a family give up for the baby ....you plan to have in the future and let your body recover from the effects of smoking before you fall pregnant take your vitamins and folate and.......good luck and best wishes....deb No we are not trying for a a baby, not in a loooooong time. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 No we are not trying for a a baby, not in a loooooong time. why were you discussing babies?....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris17 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 why were you discussing babies?....deb Someone's in the past post asked if we are trying for a baby Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 This is the beginning of him trying it change you, to control you and it makes no sense if he himself is not willing to quit. He doesn't get to dictate to you what you do and then act like he can do this because of concern if he is still smoking. This is a slippery slope. You stop this one thing and he will use the same concern to control everything he doesn't want you to do for the rest of your relationship. He is an a$$hat. He thinks of you as inferior to him if he thinks he can demand you do something he isn't willing to do himself. Why do you even need to ask if this is acceptable? It is so obviously inappropriate that no one would think it okay,unless they are so desperate for a bf they will jump at demands or they are submissive doormats. Dump him now or fight for your very basic rights for the rest of your relationship with this control freak. Good luck, Grumps 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris17 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 I have smoked less since, for him and for myself . But whenever I feel like having one he would say something and make me feel guilty about it. Also when I didnt smoke for days or weeks, he would be puffing away in the car in front of me. Or asked me a favour to pick up some cities from the shop for him. I thought he should at least try to not smoke in front of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I think he's full of excuses, he doesn't like it because he simply does not like the look of women smoking. It's a dirty habit and it looks dirtier on women, sorry I am not trying to be mean, this kind of thinking is out there. He's no different than a fat man wanting to have a skinny girlfriend. I would ignore his request and tell him to forget about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris17 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Ciggies not cities * Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris17 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 I think he's full of excuses, he doesn't like it because he simply does not like the look of women smoking. It's a dirty habit and it looks dirtier on women, sorry I am not trying to be mean, this kind of thinking is out there. He's no different than a fat man wanting to have a skinny girlfriend. I would ignore his request and tell him to forget about it. It doesn't look good on anyone and trust me I have wanted to quit myself too and I know that smokers can only quit when they want to, when they set their minds to it. This is why I never asked him to quit. I want him to want to do it himself. I would still quit anyway even if he didn't tell me to but him telling me to quit makes me want to smoke more and more and rebel. It makes me sad because sometimes I smoke to relax and enjoy it with a glass of wine in the garden after a long day at work, one of the ways of kicking back and relax for me. I want to be able to relax and do that with my bf which we did before when we were friend and then dating and now I can't. Now When I smoke he won't smoke with me, he doesn't want to see me smoke. He said I can go smoke first then he will go. We smoke in the garden. Also I never liked hypocrites personally. I dislike people who can't practice what their preach in general. I think This is why it bothers me. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Don't know what your boyfriend is thinking. He smokes so he has a double standard if he thinks you should quit but not him. Have you asked him why he thinks it's OK to be hypocritical about this? Health reasons aside, it's not acceptable for him to lay down the law for you, especially when he is doing exactly the same thing. I am not surprised you are shocked as you have got into this relationship, it has become serious, and now he is changing the rules. Maybe he has sensed a shift in the power balance of this relationship and he thinks you are more committed to him, so he's starting to 'exercise' his new-found power over you. It's up to you what you do, but if it was me I'd be calling him out on this hypocrisy and even withdrawing from a relationship where the rules only apply to one. The only other thing I can think of is that he fears you may become pregnant and that smoking would harm the child. If that is the case, he should say so up front. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iris17 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Don't know what your boyfriend is thinking. He smokes so he has a double standard if he thinks you should quit but not him. Have you asked him why he thinks it's OK to be hypocritical about this? Health reasons aside, it's not acceptable for him to lay down the law for you, especially when he is doing exactly the same thing. I am not surprised you are shocked as you have got into this relationship, it has become serious, and now he is changing the rules. Maybe he has sensed a shift in the power balance of this relationship and he thinks you are more committed to him, so he's starting to 'exercise' his new-found power over you. It's up to you what you do, but if it was me I'd be calling him out on this hypocrisy and even withdrawing from a relationship where the rules only apply to one. The only other thing I can think of is that he fears you may become pregnant and that smoking would harm the child. If that is the case, he should say so up front. Why would he 'exercise' his new found power over me?? I did call him out on hypocrisy but has not withdraw from the relationship Link to post Share on other sites
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