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Handling an "intimidating" girl


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There's this girl on my High school XC team that I like and she seems to be doing well in many aspects. She's super popular, very good at her sport, and gets good grades. Also, her attitude is very assertive and outgoing. She is never afraid to say something on her mind and she comes off as very independent. She's had a boyfriend before, but hasn't had one in a while. Maybe it's because she's intimidating to most guys?

 

Sorta irrelevant, but I remember after XC practice, we were waiting to get picked up at the school bus ramp, and the school Guys Lacrosse team walked by. One of the dudes, who is very cocky/sarcastic, obviously liked her and had told the rest of them because they all pushed him to say hi to her. So, as the whole Lacrosse team was watching, he walked up to her and said something like:

 

"how's it goin' girl?"

 

but with a cocky embarrassed grin and his team laughed. He walked away, and later she said "that's it?" I don't think she likes him either. Maybe she's just sick of guys being such babies around her? I'm guessing here.

 

Idk why I shared that story but maybe it will show you her status/the type of person she is/the way guys act around her? I can't help but think that girls like this don't want a boyfriend because they are so independent, assertive, and focused. What do you think is the deal with this girl? What's the next step if I want to be a boyfriend? Thanks!

 

(P.s. I'm a pretty confident guy, even around girls, and def just as wild/assertive/focused as she sometimes is)

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She has a strong, no-nonsense attitude, and you label it 'intimidating'.

 

If a guy has a strong and assertive manner, is it labelled 'intimidating'? Not unless he's also a bully.

 

She's a person with a head on her shoulders, doesn't suffer fools gladly, and sadly, is surrounded by a whole bevvy of testosterone-driven gawky adolescent guys who in the main believe that the one way to get one over an intelligent girl is to get one in her.

 

The thing is in some ways, girls mature much more quickly than guys. She just shows it.

 

What was the problem, exactly?

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There's this girl on my High school XC team that I like and she seems to be doing well in many aspects. She's super popular, very good at her sport, and gets good grades. Also, her attitude is very assertive and outgoing. She is never afraid to say something on her mind and she comes off as very independent. She's had a boyfriend before, but hasn't had one in a while. Maybe it's because she's intimidating to most guys?

 

Sorta irrelevant, but I remember after XC practice, we were waiting to get picked up at the school bus ramp, and the school Guys Lacrosse team walked by. One of the dudes, who is very cocky/sarcastic, obviously liked her and had told the rest of them because they all pushed him to say hi to her. So, as the whole Lacrosse team was watching, he walked up to her and said something like:

 

"how's it goin' girl?"

 

but with a cocky embarrassed grin and his team laughed. He walked away, and later she said "that's it?" I don't think she likes him either. Maybe she's just sick of guys being such babies around her? I'm guessing here.

 

Idk why I shared that story but maybe it will show you her status/the type of person she is/the way guys act around her? I can't help but think that girls like this don't want a boyfriend because they are so independent, assertive, and focused. What do you think is the deal with this girl? What's the next step if I want to be a boyfriend? Thanks!

 

(P.s. I'm a pretty confident guy, even around girls, and def just as wild/assertive/focused as she sometimes is)

 

Sounds like you might have an alpha in your sights.

However, I wouldn't conclude that independent, assertive and focused people (of either gender) don't want a boyfriend or girlfriend. They just tend to look for a boyfriend or girlfriend who is equally independent, assertive and focused. I think the next step would be to smile at her at a moment when she has just shown her personality, that strength and independence you're admiring.

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JungleLover

She is being her confident and assertive self. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with her from your description.

 

 

The next step is to go up to her introduce yourself, start conversation, getting to know her and learning how to talk to young ladies like this. No matter how intimidated you make become during the conversation or awkward silence develop during the conversation, try to hold your ground and keep the conversation going. Ask her for phone number by the end of the it then call her when you please and get to know her some more. Remember, focus the conversation on her and ask her questions to get to know her. If she comes up with something snappy to say just smile it off and keep the conversation flowing.

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...

 

What's the next step if I want to be a boyfriend? Thanks!

 

(P.s. I'm a pretty confident guy, even around girls, and def just as wild/assertive/focused as she sometimes is)

 

 

Ask her to join you on one of your solo runs or, if you're taking the same classes, to study together. If that goes well, ask her to have ice cream with you...or coffee...or to grab a bite to eat sometime. You get the idea--use your shared interests to take your interactions away from the group setting.

Edited by angel.eyes
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She has a strong, no-nonsense attitude, and you label it 'intimidating'.

 

If a guy has a strong and assertive manner, is it labelled 'intimidating'? Not unless he's also a bully.

 

She's a person with a head on her shoulders, doesn't suffer fools gladly, and sadly, is surrounded by a whole bevvy of testosterone-driven gawky adolescent guys who in the main believe that the one way to get one over an intelligent girl is to get one in her.

 

The thing is in some ways, girls mature much more quickly than guys. She just shows it.

 

What was the problem, exactly?

I put quotation marks around "intimidating" because to most guys she is, I definitely notice it, but I'm not affected by it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her behavior/attitude and I didn't mean to say there is (if that's how you took it), i'm just not used to it after hanging around all these "beta" girly girls most of the time. She knows that I can be funny sometimes, but she knows that I can be serious sometimes, especially about XC running (our team sport). In fact, the other day we were running with each other during practice I was talking about a lot of runner things that most of our teammates, who aren't as dedicated, don't do (i.e. weightlifting, dieting, yoga etc.), and she agreed with me alooot. I think I recall having 1-2 laughs with her, but I can't remember. Hmm.

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Sometimes, being direct is a better option.

It would be a nod to her intelligence if you were to just come straight out with the question "how about grabbing a coffee/drink/bite to eat this weekend?" and say nothing more.

 

I will come out and say this: And I am in all probability completely wrong and off-base here. So take it with a hefty handful of salt if you know different.

 

She could be gay.

Gay girls are often very mature ahead of time, and disdainful of the opposite sex (which is not always very mature, but par for the course, at times).

If she has a confidence that puts guys off, and they find intimidating, that's a possible reason for it.

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Just talk to her for a while. Show her you're confident and not intimidated through subtle conversation. Take the lead. And then after she's buttered up little ask her out.

 

The most confident and assertive girls I've run into still wanted a guy who could bend them over in the bedroom.

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She has a strong, no-nonsense attitude, and you label it 'intimidating'.

 

If a guy has a strong and assertive manner, is it labelled 'intimidating'? Not unless he's also a bully.

 

He he. I thought this too. When its women, they're either bytches or "intimidating." When men, they're 'confident, take-charge... many men who fit into this type of characterization are also bullies. Something that too women fail to see that is NOT a positive attribute until too late or pounded into their heads by some more objective observer.

 

OP, this may be a less common example of a woman (girl) who sees the BS in dating, men, etc. and therefore more grounded, stable.

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She could be gay.

Gay girls are often very mature ahead of time, and disdainful of the opposite sex (which is not always very mature, but par for the course, at times).

If she has a confidence that puts guys off, and they find intimidating, that's a possible reason for it.

Oh please! I sincerely hope you're joking! Because she's an assertive, intelligent, accomplished, mature, confident girl, she's probably gay?:rolleyes: That's insulting on so many levels!!

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No it's not. My sister's gay and she was exactly like this at school. But as I said to the OP, it could be so far off the wall it might be bouncing. I see you didn't quote that bit. Thanks for that.

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Sorry, trying to keep it short. It wasn't a malicious omission. Since you said "could be gay" not the more definitive "IS" gay, I felt I didn't need to include the disclaimer.

 

Being mature, smart, assertive, and confident is not a sign that you MIGHT be gay. It's insulting and offensive to suggest that because a woman is smart and sassy, she runs the risk of being viewed as gay. Intelligence is not tied to sexuality. Neither is confidence! That attitude is so..I dunno...1950's! Surely we've progressed in our thinking about human sexuality and female intelligence since then.

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Well, the UK has but not all of America has. What's with the prejudice against marriage of same-sex people?

But that would be off-topic.

I merely threw it into the mix as a possibility, not a definite likelihood.

Although my sister is gay, she never 'admitted' this to the public at large, until well into her 20's, although close family members knew. She was born over 40 years ago....

The revelation of her persuasion at school would have been disastrous for her.

I'm totally "with the programme" now, which is why I thought mentioning it wouldn't create waves.

But it seems you read my comment as prejudicial, whereas I intended it to broaden the OP's perception.

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Assertive and confident woman? Where is she? Ill ask her out right now lol! I LOVE those types...aint nobody got time for playing games :)

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Ask her to join you on one of your solo runs or, if you're taking the same classes, to study together. If that goes well, ask her to have ice cream with you...or coffee...or to grab a bite to eat sometime. You get the idea--use your shared interests to take your interactions away from the group setting.

I took your advice. Today during practice we ended up running together and we talked throughout the run about mostly running. Then we ran by a random mailman and she says "that guy was cute" and smiled and laughed. Then we had a convo around that topic:

 

Her: That guy was cute *smile/giggle*

 

Me: omg haha, Girls think the weirdest guys are cute.

 

Her: haha No, we just think that they are cute in there own ways.

 

*Blah blah blah can't remember*

 

Me: I'd just want someone with a good personality. (Lol why did I say that...)

 

*Blah blah blah can't remember*

 

A little after that I talked about running trails and said that she should run with me. She said "yeah". A little afterwards, she said she thought something else was cute (dang, can't remember what it was, but it doesn't matter, it wasn't me).

 

We finished the run, met up with the test of the team, and everyone sat and talked for a bit. Her, my other friends, and I talked and I made some jokes. I remember she looked at me and was giggling after I told a joke, and I wasn't looking at her. When I did look at her she was still looking at me and snickering for an awkwardly long time, 3-4 sec. It definitely stood out to me. It seemed as if she was waiting for me to notice her (I make a lot of assumptions, so take it with a grain of salt). She did laugh at my jokes almost all the time, but she laughs a good bit.

 

I feel like she was testing me by questioning my answers and responses, and I may have fell for some of these tests. For example (there were many more test like this that are better), she said she wasn't going to be here next week, and I sarcastically over-exaggerated by saying "aww sh*t" I played it off as my shins hurting from running lol. She laughed and said "what the heck", but she still thinks I said it because of her. I need to stop spazzing around her.

 

I had to hitch a ride back home with my teammate, but I realized I didn't specify a time for the run with her, so before I left I went back and told her (with her little brother next to her and some teammates sorta in hearing distances I guess, but they didn't know what I was talking about) that if she wanted to run, it'd be Saturday. She said she doesn't know if she wants to run Saturday with a laugh as if she really didn't feel like it. I said alright. Then I started walking back to my friends car for a ride, and she said "What time are you going?" I said 8:00am avoid the hot weather (Florida). I guess it was a no this time.

 

And then I realized that my friend was driving away without me trying to play games with me, so I was like "oh f*ck no" and I think she noticed and she laughed. I sprinted for the car, got a ride, and that was it.

 

Did she honestly not feel like running, or was it because people were sorta around her when I approached her about the specified time and she felt different? I guess it could be anything. Help, what do I do?.

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Take your own advice and 'stop spazzing around her. I don't mean to sound patronising, so don't take it this way, but try to be a little more mature, don't act like a goof.... show her your serious side too...Go running as planned, and take each day as it comes. Seize opportunities, but don't contrive situations. let her come to you.... If you act a little more aloof, it may be the impetus she needs to know you're not 'like other guys'....

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....

 

And then I realized that my friend was driving away without me trying to play games with me, so I was like "oh f*ck no" and I think she noticed and she laughed. I sprinted for the car, got a ride, and that was it.

 

Did she honestly not feel like running, or was it because people were sorta around her when I approached her about the specified time and she felt different? I guess it could be anything. Help, what do I do?.

 

No, she wants to get together, but maybe not for a run. That is the only option you gave her, so its very possible she wasn’t saying no to seeing you, just saying no to seeing you for a run. That’s probably why she tried to save the invitation by asking what time.

 

I’d call her or text her, if that’s what you do, and offer a choice between a run and a date (movie, beach, whatever).

 

Don't let your friend step on you when you're talking with a girl. If my BF’s friends had done that to him while he was talking to me, he would have flipped them off or mocked them for being idiots, and finished talking with me.

Edited by BlueIris
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Take your own advice and 'stop spazzing around her. I don't mean to sound patronising, so don't take it this way, but try to be a little more mature, don't act like a goof.... show her your serious side too...Go running as planned, and take each day as it comes. Seize opportunities, but don't contrive situations. let her come to you.... If you act a little more aloof, it may be the impetus she needs to know you're not 'like other guys'....

When I go running, I think she knows that I am very serious, during the workouts I don't play around at all. We've had convos where we talked about our workout progressions, going to the gym, mileage, runner's stuff etc. and I'm pretty sure she knows I have a serious side. I mainly act goofy with my teammates because we poke fun at each other and she does laugh at that. I can be serious during those times also, but then it's not as fun and not really 'me' sometimes. So just be more serious all around?

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No, she wants to get together, but maybe not for a run. That is the only option you gave her, so its very possible she wasn’t saying no to seeing you, just saying no to seeing you for a run. That’s probably why she tried to save the invitation by asking what time.

 

I’d call her or text her, if that’s what you do, and offer a choice between a run and a date (movie, beach, whatever).

 

Don't let your friend step on you when you're talking with a girl. If my BF’s friends had done that to him while he was talking to me, he would have flipped them off or mocked them for being idiots, and finished talking with me.

The idea of going on a run with her seemed like a good plan because I thought it would seem pretty slick or subtle if you will. I tried to find a common interest (i.e. running) and use it to formulate a meet-up, hangout, or date (w/e you wanna call it). I really wanted to step outside of my comfort zone, so I invited her to run with me on Saturday. I mean, I'm all for taking risks, but inviting her somewhere else that has nothing to do with our common interest

(movie, beach, whatever)
seems kinda cliche and "cookie cutter-ish". Am I wrong?
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StoneCold 2.0

Despite being a little spazzy you were doing well....up to about this point...

 

so before I left I went back and told her (with her little brother next to her and some teammates sorta in hearing distances I guess, but they didn't know what I was talking about) that if she wanted to run, it'd be Saturday. She said she doesn't know if she wants to run Saturday with a laugh as if she really didn't feel like it. I said alright. Then I started walking back to my friends car for a ride, and she said "What time are you going?" I said 8:00am avoid the hot weather (Florida). I guess it was a no this time.

 

:confused:

 

You totally shat the bed here cowboy. That was about the time you say something like "then lets....." (you fill in the blanks for a date....get a drink...go here...go there)

 

 

I wish when I was your age I had something like the internet as a resource!....in my day all we had were BBS boards that were full of geeks talking about geeky sh*t lol...thats as far as the "internet" went lol

Edited by StoneCold 2.0
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There's no doubt men are scared off by women who can stand on their own two feet and steer their own ship. I'm a very strong woman and it definitely made some guys afraid to approach me and then one I loved said it bothered him that I didn't need him and he was a sucker for the needy cry-y manipulative types. I actually had a colleague when he was drunk one night tell me he used to be afraid of me. I was on top of my game careerwise and living the life and doing whatever the hell I wanted, and my girlfriends worshipped me and some younger men too, like fans almost, but I wasn't meek enough or conventional enough to be anyone's dream wife because guys who were a lot like me also wanted to be able to do whatever they wanted to do without their wife having any say about it.

 

All you have to do to break the ice with someone intimidating is talk to them like they're your old buddy from high school, real casual, quiet and confidential, not grinning and nodding and shaking hands and talking too loud like you're their bitch. I used to be in a position where I could make friends a little with some famous people and I usually started by just empathizing with them. Like my opening statement might be "You must get really sick of having to meet people."

 

Powerful accomplished women need to be appreciated more because they're pioneers in a way. It's only been in the last 50 years that it was even possible to achieve in that way, mainly due to the advent of birth control, which opened up a world of choices. I think there'd be nothing better than two people who could both thrive without the other but were able to reach new heights by staying together.

 

P.S. If she's a normal human being, she probably didn't want to get up at dawn on a Saturday, which most people consider a day off.

Edited by preraph
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The idea of going on a run with her seemed like a good plan because I thought it would seem pretty slick or subtle if you will.

 

I tried to find a common interest (i.e. running) and use it to formulate a meet-up, hangout, or date (w/e you wanna call it). I really wanted to step outside of my comfort zone, so I invited her to run with me on Saturday.

 

I mean, I'm all for taking risks, but inviting her somewhere else that has nothing to do with our common interest seems kinda cliche and "cookie cutter-ish". Am I wrong?

 

I'm agreeing with StoneCold 2.0.

In my opinion, yes, you're wrong. If you want to date her, you have to ask her on a date, take her on a date, and not be thinking about risks and comfort zones. If you want to meet-up or hangout, you want the friend zone.

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Independent women are the only ones worth making the lonely trip back to the bar stool for. I may turn into a blundering idiot because of attraction, but that's my insecurity, not their independence.

 

 

There's no doubt men are scared off by women who can stand on their own two feet and steer their own ship. I'm a very strong woman and it definitely made some guys afraid to approach me and then one I loved said it bothered him that I didn't need him and he was a sucker for the needy cry-y manipulative types. I actually had a colleague when he was drunk one night tell me he used to be afraid of me. I was on top of my game careerwise and living the life and doing whatever the hell I wanted, and my girlfriends worshipped me and some younger men too, like fans almost, but I wasn't meek enough or conventional enough to be anyone's dream wife because guys who were a lot like me also wanted to be able to do whatever they wanted to do without their wife having any say about it.

 

All you have to do to break the ice with someone intimidating is talk to them like they're your old buddy from high school, real casual, quiet and confidential, not grinning and nodding and shaking hands and talking too loud like you're their bitch. I used to be in a position where I could make friends a little with some famous people and I usually started by just empathizing with them. Like my opening statement might be "You must get really sick of having to meet people."

 

Powerful accomplished women need to be appreciated more because they're pioneers in a way. It's only been in the last 50 years that it was even possible to achieve in that way, mainly due to the advent of birth control, which opened up a world of choices. I think there'd be nothing better than two people who could both thrive without the other but were able to reach new heights by staying together.

 

P.S. If she's a normal human being, she probably didn't want to get up at dawn on a Saturday, which most people consider a day off.

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I'm agreeing with StoneCold 2.0.

In my opinion, yes, you're wrong. If you want to date her, you have to ask her on a date, take her on a date, and not be thinking about risks and comfort zones. If you want to meet-up or hangout, you want the friend zone.

Okay, when I first thought about what you said, I thought I wouldn't ever be able to do it, but it's because I never get straight to the point with the girl. I'm never honest with my feelings and it has gotten me nowhere so far. A day later, I'm rethinking asking her out somewhere again. The next time we run with each other at practice (not this coming week, she'll be away), I will say ONE of these two lines to her:

 

"Can I just be extremely straightforward with a question?"

...followed...

"How does [insert date idea here] sound [date/time]?"

 

OR

 

"Okay [Girls Name], I want you to be extremely honest and straightforward" *maybe with like a little smile*

""How does [insert date idea here] sound [date/time]?"

 

Sound good?

Edited by Vero
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Okay, when I first thought about what you said, I thought I wouldn't ever be able to do it, but it's because I never get straight to the point with the girl. I'm never honest with my feelings and it has gotten me nowhere so far. A day later, I'm rethinking asking her out somewhere again. The next time we run with each other at practice (not this coming week, she'll be away), I will say ONE of these two lines to her:

 

"Can I just be extremely straightforward with a question?"

...followed...

"How does [insert date idea here] sound [date/time]?"

 

OR

 

"Okay [Girls Name], I want you to be extremely honest and straightforward" *maybe with like a little smile*

""How does [insert date idea here] sound [date/time]?"

 

Sound good?

You're making a big deal out of nothing. Just say you always have coffee and would she like to join you. This isn't really that hard, but make sure she ain't her own man.

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