30yr with no dating experience - want to turn my life around and need some input!

[Scorched Soul]

Hi All,

 

I am writing this in the hope of receiving some advice/direction in what I need to do in order to improve my situation.

 

Short story, I am a recently turned 30 year old man who has never had a proper GF and has had very little sexual experience (basically a virgin). I am at a point where I need to turn this around or risk never having the life I want (one with a fulfilling relationship with a woman that I love and the confidence and happiness to live the rest of my life to the fullest).

 

I was going to go into detail into how i ended up in this situation but that would make this post unbearably long (more so than it already is!). Very short story is a tough father and sister who both killed my confidence and made me think everyone in the world was extremely judgemental and intolerant. Due to my father, i had (have) an intense fear of disappointing people and being judged in a negative light. My sister caused me to believe all women would view me with contempt and as having no redeeming features. The second is what really sabotaged me as a kid and stayed with me well into my mid twenties when I finally realised what had happened.

My mother was a dear but for some reason her love wasn't enough to counteract the effect of my father and sister, i think it was because my father undermined her so much that i somehow dismissed her opinion when forming my opinion of myself.

 

The upshot was being afraid of girls from a very young age (even pre puberty) and basically becoming so paralysed with fear that i avoid ALL contact with females (going to an all boys school made this easy) until I reached uni, where i was forced to live with girls in dorms etc. During this time, i learnt how to become friends with girls but still did my best to avoid all romantic/sexual situations. Once i left uni and started a career, this became even easier to do.

 

This carried out for years and brings us to today, where i am still single and basically with no experience with women. I need some advice on how to proceed. While i have very low self esteem and confidence and certainly don't love myself, i do think i have a lot going for me. The reason I list the below is not try and impress or big myself up but to show that i am not in some depressed state, feeling sorry for myself and thinking i am a complete failure with nothing to offer. That was my mindstate a couple of years ago, but now I realise I am more than that.

 

1) I am an attractive guy with an athletic build, good height etc. I have been told my many friends, women etc that this is the case and experience it every day. I notice women notice me when i walk into a room. As much this does for my ego, I am very ill equipped to deal with it. I almost feel like a fake because my inner person doesn't live up to what the exterior promises. Part of this is being a fat kid and only blossoming at a later age and only really getting in good shape in the past couple of years. Being attractive actually works against me because when i am anxious/nervous i come across very arrogant and aloof or even worse, intimidating/angry - which i am completely not!

 

2) While i suffer from severe social anxiety, when relaxed, I am an intelligent, thoughtful person with a sense of humour who appreciates other people. For a while I became that bitter resentful person but have overcome that. While my life has been spent in a lot of isolation and angst, i have had enough positive experiences to remain a fairly optimistic person. I am fortunate in many ways and am grateful for many things.

 

3) I have a good career. I certainly could have done so much more but i have done pretty well all things considered and still have a lot of potential in terms of what i can do. I have a degree and professional qualifications and work for a very well respected company.

 

4) I have a mother and father who ultimately love me and look out for me (in spite of everything my father has done, i know he loves me and wants the best for me, in spite of his abusive side).

 

5) While my current social circle is very small, i have had some very good friends over the years who I have really respected. The only reason we are not currently friends is because i pushed them away, due to fear of being judged for my situation. I have hope of repairing these friendships once i sort myself out and so still consider my friendships a positive in my life.

 

6) I live in London, a great city and have all the opportunities anyone could have in this world. I have many hobbies and love sports, travelling, music, philosophy, art, science etc. I am curious about everything and find small joy in many things.

 

7) I respect women and am looking for someone to share my life with. The happiest people I know are those in committed relationships with people they love and respect. Funnily enough, i think i get on really well with women. I have a playful almost childlike side to my personality and have developed some great relationships with women over my life (before my insecurities and baggage have sabotaged them). My two best friends were/are women.

 

When not crippled by anxiety, nervousness and my inner critic, i feel i can achieve anything. The problem is getting past this anxiety with women. I almost feel like if i could find a woman who was willing to accept me for what i am accept my total lack of experience and confidence and "guide" me in a way, i would be a transformed man in a matter of months if not weeks. At my current age, i feel like i can still do it but obviously the pool of women who will be looking to look at me is much smaller. I also still massive insecurities about my lack of relationship and sexual experience and this completely kills any confidence i have when around women. I'm pretty good at making friends with women, but have no confidence to be romantic/sexual.

 

I know in my current state I am not what women want, BUT i feel i so can be if given a chance.

 

My question is, how do i proceed? Dating sites? Should i be up front with women or try to hide it? I have no idea how to change things. I guess the next step is to start going on dates, but how? Would really appreciate some input on how i should do this. It seems the best approach would be to join a dating website and just go on a few dates to get some experience?

 

Any help would be massively appreciated!

 

SS

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Here's the thing: most women don't want someone they have to "guide". While I think you should be honest about your lack of experience when asked, and make it clear that you're willing to learn, don't sell yourself short, either. Being romantic is more intuitive than you think! Be respectful, open about your feelings, affectionate without being clingy. If you're not sure then just ask yourself "would I want to be treated this way?" Sex is basically the same---do what feels right, but <I>listen</I> to your partner, and be open to new things.

 

Dating sites are a good idea. It also doesn't hurt to start a friendly conversation in public; you don't have to ask them out, but just talking might give you confidence.

[bene]

You sound like a great guy

 

I recommend talking to people in all kinds of everyday situations, not only with romantic intentions. It is of course uncomfortable at first when you suffer from social anxiety but consider it a training to get more used to interacting with women. I think all people have at least some anxiety when it comes to dating, even the ones who seem confident from the outside.

 

I wouldn't bring up lack of experience with women unless you start dating someone and she specifically asks or the issue comes up. Just fake it until you make it. And by faking I mean just act naturally around women and don't stigmatize yourself as the "guy who has no experience" as if all other people are in on some secret. Even if you would have had previous relationships, each woman is different anyway and you would get to know them from the start.

 

Some people here disagree, but I think OLD is a good way to get started with dating. Even if you don't meet the love of your life immediately, it is a good way to approach women who have clearly come to OLD with the intention to go on dates.

Edited July 20, 2014 by bene

[angel.eyes]

First, you have a lot going for you. You really do! You've done a lot of the groundwork needed to be attractive as a potential partner. What remains is internal work: self-esteem, confidence, and perhaps developing the intangible qualities one wants/needs in a partner (empathy, kindness, thoughtfulness, etc.).

 

FWIW, I've dated many virgins, although granted they were virgins by choice. They just weren't fans of casual sex. I find that attractive.

 

Short story, I am a recently turned 30 year old man who has never had a proper GF and has had very little sexual experience (basically a virgin). I am at a point where I need to turn this around or risk never having the life I want (one with a fulfilling relationship with a woman that I love and the confidence and happiness to live the rest of my life to the fullest).

Basically, you want what most people do--a meaningful relationship. Welcome to the club! While I appreciate your urgency, take your time to make sure the person you choose to date is right for you. Acting like it's now or never...do or die...with the first person to cross your path can lead to all sorts of mistakes and regrets. You will overlook critical flaws or drive the person away with that air of desperation.

 

...a tough father and sister who both killed my confidence and made me think everyone in the world was extremely judgemental and intolerant. Due to my father, i had (have) an intense fear of disappointing people and being judged in a negative light. My sister caused me to believe all women would view me with contempt and as having no redeeming features. The second is what really sabotaged me as a kid and stayed with me well into my mid twenties when I finally realised what had happened.

This may seem harsh, but nothing kills attraction like a guy who plays victim, blames others for his problems, and/or is passive, negative, or bitter. I'll sympathize, feel really sorry for the guy who sees himself as a victim, and want to help, but I'll never see him as a dating option. It's difficult to see someone as a man I can respect and admire when he refuses to take responsibility for his choices and can't manage his own life. Take control. Take ownership for your role in your own life and change. You seem more than capable of doing so!

 

While i have very low self esteem and confidence and certainly don't love myself, i do think i have a lot going for me.

This is the crux of your problem! If you don't love yourself, it will be extremely difficult to see yourself as lovable by someone else or to engage in a healthy, romantic relationship. Ditto for low self-esteem.

 

I know in my current state I am not what women want, BUT i feel i so can be if given a chance.

Why would you not be what a woman wants?!? You have so many positives that you just listed in the OP! Did you accidentally omit some fatal character flaw?

 

My question is, how do i proceed? Dating sites? Should i be up front with women or try to hide it? I have no idea how to change things. I guess the next step is to start going on dates, but how? Would really appreciate some input on how i should do this. It seems the best approach would be to join a dating website and just go on a few dates to get some experience?

Do you have a large social circle? If not, I would work on building a circle of friends first. Here's why--you mentioned that you suffer from severe social anxiety. Developing platonic friendships will help you become comfortable interacting in social situations and boost your confidence before you dive into the dating pool, where EVERYONE has to deal with rejection and not always getting what one wants. Someone with a strong sense of self-worth will shrug these things off as par for the course in dating. Someone struggling with his self-esteem who feels inadequate going into dating will likely see it as confirmation that he truly is unloveable. Rejection can feel very personal if you let it get to you.

 

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Take the time first to put yourself mentally in a position to succeed, then attempt to date.

[thekid36]

Hi All,

 

I am writing this in the hope of receiving some advice/direction in what I need to do in order to improve my situation.

 

Short story, I am a recently turned 30 year old man who has never had a proper GF and has had very little sexual experience (basically a virgin). I am at a point where I need to turn this around or risk never having the life I want (one with a fulfilling relationship with a woman that I love and the confidence and happiness to live the rest of my life to the fullest).

 

I was going to go into detail into how i ended up in this situation but that would make this post unbearably long (more so than it already is!). Very short story is a tough father and sister who both killed my confidence and made me think everyone in the world was extremely judgemental and intolerant. Due to my father, i had (have) an intense fear of disappointing people and being judged in a negative light. My sister caused me to believe all women would view me with contempt and as having no redeeming features. The second is what really sabotaged me as a kid and stayed with me well into my mid twenties when I finally realised what had happened.

My mother was a dear but for some reason her love wasn't enough to counteract the effect of my father and sister, i think it was because my father undermined her so much that i somehow dismissed her opinion when forming my opinion of myself.

 

The upshot was being afraid of girls from a very young age (even pre puberty) and basically becoming so paralysed with fear that i avoid ALL contact with females (going to an all boys school made this easy) until I reached uni, where i was forced to live with girls in dorms etc. During this time, i learnt how to become friends with girls but still did my best to avoid all romantic/sexual situations. Once i left uni and started a career, this became even easier to do.

 

This carried out for years and brings us to today, where i am still single and basically with no experience with women. I need some advice on how to proceed. While i have very low self esteem and confidence and certainly don't love myself, i do think i have a lot going for me. The reason I list the below is not try and impress or big myself up but to show that i am not in some depressed state, feeling sorry for myself and thinking i am a complete failure with nothing to offer. That was my mindstate a couple of years ago, but now I realise I am more than that.

 

1) I am an attractive guy with an athletic build, good height etc. I have been told my many friends, women etc that this is the case and experience it every day. I notice women notice me when i walk into a room. As much this does for my ego, I am very ill equipped to deal with it. I almost feel like a fake because my inner person doesn't live up to what the exterior promises. Part of this is being a fat kid and only blossoming at a later age and only really getting in good shape in the past couple of years. Being attractive actually works against me because when i am anxious/nervous i come across very arrogant and aloof or even worse, intimidating/angry - which i am completely not!

 

2) While i suffer from severe social anxiety, when relaxed, I am an intelligent, thoughtful person with a sense of humour who appreciates other people. For a while I became that bitter resentful person but have overcome that. While my life has been spent in a lot of isolation and angst, i have had enough positive experiences to remain a fairly optimistic person. I am fortunate in many ways and am grateful for many things.

 

3) I have a good career. I certainly could have done so much more but i have done pretty well all things considered and still have a lot of potential in terms of what i can do. I have a degree and professional qualifications and work for a very well respected company.

 

4) I have a mother and father who ultimately love me and look out for me (in spite of everything my father has done, i know he loves me and wants the best for me, in spite of his abusive side).

 

5) While my current social circle is very small, i have had some very good friends over the years who I have really respected. The only reason we are not currently friends is because i pushed them away, due to fear of being judged for my situation. I have hope of repairing these friendships once i sort myself out and so still consider my friendships a positive in my life.

 

6) I live in London, a great city and have all the opportunities anyone could have in this world. I have many hobbies and love sports, travelling, music, philosophy, art, science etc. I am curious about everything and find small joy in many things.

 

7) I respect women and am looking for someone to share my life with. The happiest people I know are those in committed relationships with people they love and respect. Funnily enough, i think i get on really well with women. I have a playful almost childlike side to my personality and have developed some great relationships with women over my life (before my insecurities and baggage have sabotaged them). My two best friends were/are women.

 

When not crippled by anxiety, nervousness and my inner critic, i feel i can achieve anything. The problem is getting past this anxiety with women. I almost feel like if i could find a woman who was willing to accept me for what i am accept my total lack of experience and confidence and "guide" me in a way, i would be a transformed man in a matter of months if not weeks. At my current age, i feel like i can still do it but obviously the pool of women who will be looking to look at me is much smaller. I also still massive insecurities about my lack of relationship and sexual experience and this completely kills any confidence i have when around women. I'm pretty good at making friends with women, but have no confidence to be romantic/sexual.

 

I know in my current state I am not what women want, BUT i feel i so can be if given a chance.

 

My question is, how do i proceed? Dating sites? Should i be up front with women or try to hide it? I have no idea how to change things. I guess the next step is to start going on dates, but how? Would really appreciate some input on how i should do this. It seems the best approach would be to join a dating website and just go on a few dates to get some experience?

 

Any help would be massively appreciated!

 

SS

 

 

The best approach of all may actually be to stop thinking so much about all of this. I am not knocking you at all. It is just not good to focus so much on one area of your life. Even as much as you may want to be with someone. Focusing too much on something can prove to be too consuming. This makes you miss out on so much that life has to offer. I speak from experience and as someone who also wanted to find the right person. She came into my life when I least expected. You don't need to necessarily join a date site. Meeting someone may happen when you least expect.

 

 

You need to be confident in all that as a permanent partner which you can offer and not focus so much on your current insecurities. Use your strengths going forward as much as possible. One possibility perhaps would be your intelligence. Many women find that a little bit of it can be absolutely intoxicating. You will meet the right person who will admire even those traits which may not necessarily be as positive. We should love a whole person and not just parts.

[Scorched Soul]

Thanks everyone for your replies so far, definitely some food for thought for me!

 

I just want to respond to some of the points made, not sure how to do multiple quotes, so will do a separate reply for each person.

 

 

Here's the thing: most women don't want someone they have to "guide". While I think you should be honest about your lack of experience when asked, and make it clear that you're willing to learn, don't sell yourself short, either. Being romantic is more intuitive than you think! Be respectful, open about your feelings, affectionate without being clingy. If you're not sure then just ask yourself "would I want to be treated this way?" Sex is basically the same---do what feels right, but <I>listen</I> to your partner, and be open to new things.

 

Dating sites are a good idea. It also doesn't hurt to start a friendly conversation in public; you don't have to ask them out, but just talking might give you confidence.

 

While the idea of having someone as a "guide" is somewhat appealing to me, I completely understand your point and I guess what I really want is someone who will be accommodating/understanding of my position - I don't really want someone to fix me or take me on as a project, I want to be a partner who offers value but I guess part of me thinks there will have to be an element of a woman guiding me to an extent.

 

I guess the thing that really makes me super anxious is not knowing the appropriate way to act in a date/romantic situation or during more intimate moments. I am fine in a platonic situation (I can still get nervous/anxious) but I wouldn't know how to act or behave if I were on a date - the idea of going on one is very intimidating to me at the moment.

[Scorched Soul]

You sound like a great guy

 

I recommend talking to people in all kinds of everyday situations, not only with romantic intentions. It is of course uncomfortable at first when you suffer from social anxiety but consider it a training to get more used to interacting with women. I think all people have at least some anxiety when it comes to dating, even the ones who seem confident from the outside.

 

I wouldn't bring up lack of experience with women unless you start dating someone and she specifically asks or the issue comes up. Just fake it until you make it. And by faking I mean just act naturally around women and don't stigmatize yourself as the "guy who has no experience" as if all other people are in on some secret. Even if you would have had previous relationships, each woman is different anyway and you would get to know them from the start.

 

Some people here disagree, but I think OLD is a good way to get started with dating. Even if you don't meet the love of your life immediately, it is a good way to approach women who have clearly come to OLD with the intention to go on dates.

 

 

First off, thanks for the compliment, nice to hear I don't come off like a douche!

 

I guess the above is what I am unsure about. I don't know how to fake it! I imagine the way I'm feeling is very much the way most people felt when they were 14,15,16. In fact, I pretty much feel the same way as I did when I was that age when in certain situations e.g. in a bar/club with a girl I find attractive or vice versa. It's this feeling of "I have no idea what to do!"

 

Wouldn't my behaviour just come off as weird if the person i'm with doesn't know about my past? (even if just to an extent e.g. that I suffer from anxiety).

 

With regards to age, i'm pretty agnostic, I don't want people to judge me by my age so certainly wouldn't do that myself.

 

SS

[bu2002]

I would focus on your overall confidence level right now. Make socializing more of a priority, whether it's at work, with friends, small talk at the local grocery store, wherever. Learn to look people in the eye and hold eye contact. Get comfortable in front of people and behaving in a confident manner. When you go to you work each day, don't dress for the position you have, dress for the position you want and believe that position can be yours. Confidence becomes a habit.

 

Once you're comfortable with yourself, then yes, online dating might be a good start. However, I would research the subject to find out what works and what doesn't.

[Scorched Soul]

 

While I appreciate your urgency, take your time to make sure the person you choose to date is right for you. Acting like it's now or never...do or die...with the first person to cross your path can lead to all sorts of mistakes and regrets. You will overlook critical flaws or drive the person away with that air of desperation.

 

 

This may seem harsh, but nothing kills attraction like a guy who plays victim, blames others for his problems, and/or is passive, negative, or bitter. I'll sympathize, feel really sorry for the guy who sees himself as a victim, and want to help, but I'll never see him as a dating option. It's difficult to see someone as a man I can respect and admire when he refuses to take responsibility for his choices and can't manage his own life. Take control. Take ownership for your role in your own life and change. You seem more than capable of doing so!

 

 

This is the crux of your problem! If you don't love yourself, it will be extremely difficult to see yourself as lovable by someone else or to engage in a healthy, romantic relationship. Ditto for low self-esteem.

 

 

Why would you not be what a woman wants?!? You have so many positives that you just listed in the OP! Did you accidentally omit some fatal character flaw?

 

 

Do you have a large social circle? If not, I would work on building a circle of friends first. Here's why--you mentioned that you suffer from severe social anxiety. Developing platonic friendships will help you become comfortable interacting in social situations and boost your confidence before you dive into the dating pool, where EVERYONE has to deal with rejection and not always getting what one wants. Someone with a strong sense of self-worth will shrug these things off as par for the course in dating. Someone struggling with his self-esteem who feels inadequate going into dating will likely see it as confirmation that he truly is unloveable. Rejection can feel very personal if you let it get to you.

 

Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Take the time first to put yourself mentally in a position to succeed, then attempt to date.

 

 

Thanks for the reply!

 

First point - I completely agree and I am not in a rush to find the "one". I just want to start dating and get in the game so to speak. I would be happy just to date for a couple of years if that was how things panned out, but also wouldn't be averse to having a serious relationship if I met the right person. I guess what I stated was my ultimate goal, not necessarily the immediate one.

 

With regards to the victim mentality - completely agree. I only mentioned this to give some background. I would never bring this up with someone I met and certainly don't want any special treatment because of it. I used to be that passive/bitter etc person but no more. I have realised exactly what you state, that I am responsible for my own actions and can't blame anyone else. This is why I now have an amicable relationship with my family and am trying to improve myself. I probably am very passive though, due to lack of confidence.

 

My social circle is probably considered small but I have lots of platonic relationships with both males and females and am actually fine in social situations (social anxiety notwithstanding - I have sufficient social skills when I am not nervous to have developed some very good friendships and also good relationships with people I work with and know more casually e.g. sports teams etc).

 

My problem with developing other parts of my life is that my lack of progress on the romantic front is hindering this. I constantly reach that stage in a friendship where it's natural to talk about partners and romantic life and because I have nothing to talk about and am ashamed of why that is, I end up distancing myself from that friend and many times it ends up going stale as I basically avoid that person for fear of them finding out the truth about me. Without this behaviour, I would probably have a large group of very good friends. I have lost many friendships because of this issue but hope to regain a few when I feel in a better place to do so.

 

This issue basically affects all relationships in my life. My friendships, work relationships etc. It's basically like a massive flaw that I am trying to hide from everyone for fear of being considered some sad pathetic guy - this fear is so strong...not sure I can combat it so think a better way is to just improve myself - if I could start dating women and being able to enjoy that kind of a relationship, I feel that would address a lot of my social anxiety, which I think is a reflection of the state of my life. Not sure of that makes sense???

[Scorched Soul]

The best approach of all may actually be to stop thinking so much about all of this. I am not knocking you at all. It is just not good to focus so much on one area of your life. Even as much as you may want to be with someone. Focusing too much on something can prove to be too consuming. This makes you miss out on so much that life has to offer. I speak from experience and as someone who also wanted to find the right person. She came into my life when I least expected. You don't need to necessarily join a date site. Meeting someone may happen when you least expect.

 

 

You need to be confident in all that as a permanent partner which you can offer and not focus so much on your current insecurities. Use your strengths going forward as much as possible. One possibility perhaps would be your intelligence. Many women find that a little bit of it can be absolutely intoxicating. You will meet the right person who will admire even those traits which may not necessarily be as positive. We should love a whole person and not just parts.

 

I don't think I have the skills or mentality to take advantage of the right person walking into my life. In fact, I think this has happened several times over the years and each time I have just ignored it or run away from it in fear. I need to address my lack of skills and fear of the consequences of my lack of skills. The only way I can think of doing this is just to start dating and slowly build some skills and confidence.

 

Is there any other way? I can imagine being in the same position at 40 if I don't actively try to do something now.

[angel.eyes]

Scorched Soul, you'll do fine once you get your insecurities under control.

 

Part of your issue is your shame about your inexperience. There's no reason for that! Be proud of who you are. No STDs. No relationship baggage. No exes hanging around in the background. A solid life.

 

Find a few men and women who you can confide in and go to for relationship advice down the road. Dating comes naturally, but I do think you get better with practice. It's always good to have someone you can turn to for advice. My brother and I use each other for that.

Edited July 21, 2014 by angel.eyes

[thekid36]

I don't think I have the skills or mentality to take advantage of the right person walking into my life. In fact, I think this has happened several times over the years and each time I have just ignored it or run away from it in fear. I need to address my lack of skills and fear of the consequences of my lack of skills. The only way I can think of doing this is just to start dating and slowly build some skills and confidence.

 

Is there any other way? I can imagine being in the same position at 40 if I don't actively try to do something now.

 

 

I honestly think you are selling yourself short. That is the first thing you need to think about. You're focusing too much on your insecurities. There should be more stress on your strengths. Is this insecurity only with meeting women or does it extend outward into other areas within your life?

 

 

My suggestion is not that you avoid dating altogether. It is that you don't necessarily need to force the issue by joining a dating site. Because, you want so much to find someone the right person that your decisions may be clouded by this. It is hard to avoid a positive reaction to attention when you finally do receive it. Especially, considering your lack of complete confidence. Forcing and rushing is not always the best solution. Even though you really want someone and despite how important it is to you. It is prudent to be a little patient. I speak from explicit experience.

[TXGuy]

One idea is to stop being ashamed at your lack of experience. Above, you seemed to say you withdrew and lost friends when you were concerned the secret of your inexperience was about to come out. Maybe you should embrace it, own it. You don't have to publicize it, but don't avoid it when it comes up. I think your friends will understand you better and perhaps even like you more if they understood why you are acting strangely around women (romantically).

 

You might get some initial ribbing because people might be caught off guard or don't know what to say, but if you stand tall and take the attitude that it is simply who you are right now, people will simply accept it. In fact, if you handle it right, I would guess you will get some volunteer guidance or even some romantic introductions.

 

But, get input from others before moving forward. Not all of my ideas are mainstream.

[kassy]

I have a friend like you but 36. We all know their lack of dating and you know it doesn't bother us except we would love them to just rip the bandaid off and give it a shot. They'd be a great partner.

 

My advice having seen someone similar, don't announce it to your friends, just date some people. However you want to do that, go online or go to dating meetups or whatever. Have low expectations of how you will go, just approach it as you are going to have fun and meet someone, get to know them and hopefully they have fun. Initial dates are no different to getting to know anyone you don't know. Activity dates can help awkward moments. The. When you find someone you like enough to kiss go for it, see how it goes and just expect you won't be super smooth, but that's ok. Lots of people are not great at dating and it doesn't take much to get to the point where you are about average.

 

Don't make sdating your life, but do have fun with it, you will be fine.

 

If they ask about past dating experience just say something vague like I've been out of the game, focusing on work and life and leave it at that for the beginning.

 

Don't overthink it just have a go

[Scorched Soul]

Thanks or all the replies everyone, appreciate the encouraging comments!

 

Still digesting and thinking about the things people have posted so far, will reply in more detail when I know what I want to say.

 

In the meantime would appreciate more input from anyone and everyone.

 

Thank you.

 

SS

[kart180]

I'm the same

[Scorched Soul]

[COLOR=#000000]Hi again everyone,

 

I appreciate everyone's comments and completely take onboard the points everyone has made. I think I really just need to take the plunge and go on some dates, anything else will just be pretty much useless.

 

Where I think I really need some more input is on how to approach my first few dates? Think online dating is the way forward for me for now. A few questions.

 

1) How open should i be on my profile about my dating history? Should I make any comment around being shy or anything? It seems that it would be better not to but if that is who I am, is it not better to be honest and at least give some indication? I would figure that putting something like that down would change the type of woman who responds?? what do you think?

 

2) What are some good ideas for first dates? I really have no clue on this front! I live in London so am fortunate in that anything is on the table - would appreciate some tips!

 

3) Any dating sites better than others, especially for someone like me?

 

4) Anything else I can do to help myself? Any particular threads, websites books etc?

 

Thanks again all!

 

SS[/COLOR]

[Eivuwan]

[COLOR=#000000]Hi again everyone,

 

I appreciate everyone's comments and completely take onboard the points everyone has made. I think I really just need to take the plunge and go on some dates, anything else will just be pretty much useless.

 

Where I think I really need some more input is on how to approach my first few dates? Think online dating is the way forward for me for now. A few questions.

 

1) How open should i be on my profile about my dating history? Should I make any comment around being shy or anything? It seems that it would be better not to but if that is who I am, is it not better to be honest and at least give some indication? I would figure that putting something like that down would change the type of woman who responds?? what do you think?

No, don't put that you're shy. That's just another way to try to prevent yourself from being hurt. What you need to do is to just keep putting yourself out there. You will be rejected loads of times (or you may not, who knows) and just learn from the situation. Dating is a difficult thing for many people. Don't even think of yourself as all that different. Approach a first date just like you would approach meeting any other stranger that you have an interest in. Ask them about themselves etc. Focus on them, and not on your internal dialogue about what a virgin you are. That should help you behave more naturally.

 

2) What are some good ideas for first dates? I really have no clue on this front! I live in London so am fortunate in that anything is on the table - would appreciate some tips!

In the US people usually go for coffee first because it's casual and low expense.

 

3) Any dating sites better than others, especially for someone like me?

 

 

4) Anything else I can do to help myself? Any particular threads, websites books etc?

I think you are over-thinking this too much. Your biggest barrier is accepting that you might look like a fool or get rejected for awhile and that that is OK. You can read all you want about swimming, but there are some things you can only learn by being in the situation. So get a date by any means. Dating websites, clubs, bars whatever. Tell us what happened and THEN we can give you more advice.

 

Thanks again all!

 

SS[/COLOR]

 

responses in bold

[Scorched Soul]

Wow, Eivuwan (that took me a few tries to spell correctly!).

 

Both your replies are both what i didn't want to hear but I know deep down are essentially the truth. I guess it's about having the courage to just do it.

 

Do you not think it would be prudent to do some preparation just so i have some strategies or basic things to talk about or do???

[Eivuwan]

Wow, Eivuwan (that took me a few tries to spell correctly!).

 

Both your replies are both what i didn't want to hear but I know deep down are essentially the truth. I guess it's about having the courage to just do it.

 

Do you not think it would be prudent to do some preparation just so i have some strategies or basic things to talk about or do???

 

I don't see what else you have to do other than dress appropriately, arrive on time, be friendly, etc. As for conversation, like I said, focus on knowing the person. Ask about their interests, job, hobby whatever. Don't start talking about all your insecurities and your past and how you have no experience though. Those things can wait until you know that person better. Try to stay on positive topics or if they are negative topics, make it about non-personal things such as the state of the world or something.

[Scorched Soul]

Hi everyone,

 

Sorry for not replying for so long to all the super helpful and kind replies.

 

I was going to reply when i had done something and could report back (i.e. had gone on a date or something). I couldn't bring myself to actually go on a date and instead procrastinated more for a bit before making an appointment to see my therapist to get her advice. Which was basically to just start going on dates. She said I have such a big fear and I need to get over it by just going on a date and getting through it and realising it's not so bad.

 

We agreed I would go on a date and then report back to her. This was 2 months ago.

 

 

I know I have reached a stage where the next step has to go be me beginning to go on dates. I was initially planning to go through a dating site but my therapist made the good point that speed dating may be a better idea for me as it would be a series of very short meetings, which may be easier for me to get through at first as no matter how bad it goes, it's only 5 mins and then i get another chance.

 

So i have been putting off going on this first date because it seems just too much for me. I know I need to clear this hurdle if i am to move forward and wanted some advice on how to proceed. Is it as simple as:

 

1) Find a dating event

2) Wear some nice clothes and aftershave

3) Turn up and just see what happens?

 

Does anyone have any tips for a guy going to a speed dating event alone? I think i need to somehow get myself feeling positive about this step instead of the dread i feel. Does anyone have any tips???

[d0nnivain]

Come up with some interesting questions. Be friendly. Try to smile & relax.

[obtuseedge]

Hi, so one question that I think should be asked, do you ever have a strong desire to be with a woman? It seems like you've been avoiding them your whole life, has this essentially stemmed from a lack of confidence, instead of a lack of desire for women?

 

I would probably start off by joining different interest groups and finding women that you can relate to and have good conversations with, and hopefully are single. Then you should ask them out and take it date by date. Don't fake confidence, just be natural, be yourself, don't be too self conscious.

[wb1988]

Op your thread is the first I've read on LS that's really touched me. I have some similarities like how I was fat as a kid (became jacked at 21 not just recently), live in London (but American), similar age, also make good money and although I had a perfect & privileged upbringing I think I can give you some good advice.

 

The abuse from your dad and sister are an excuse, there are many people with terrible families that turn out great. If you socialized more then their opinions wouldn't have affected you so much. You also need to socialize more so that you don't come off as desperate in the dating scene.

 

I've tried speed dating before and it's better if you do it with a friend because it'll take the edge off. During SD I actually felt more open because I knew that all the girls there were looking for what I was looking for. Most of the speed dating event providers in London will email you deals once you've gone on a few, use those if you want to do SD many times. Also the results from SD can vary dramatically on the night, week and promoter — I've been on some where I got 11 matches out of 16 and some where I got not a single one! At the end I actually wouldn't expect anything very serious to materialize from speed dating, it's really more for fun. Never mention not having a gf, being a virgin or the therapist! Better if you say that you just got out of a relationship about 2 weeks ago, trust me it works.

 

Wtf you live in London right? You should be well dressed and smell good 24/7, not just on dates!

 

I know that everyone on LS will boo me on this because we all want to play legit-therapist but you should seriously consider seeing hookers asap in quantity. You seem to be very caught up on being labeled a virgin and will probably have issues (anxiety and pre-ejac) when you hookup with a date for the first time and this will be an even bigger problem after you've just lied about coming out of a relationship 2 weeks ago. See many hookers and explain the situation to them honestly but remember to not fall in love with any of them!!!!!!!

Edited March 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Candreas]

This is something I've also been struggling with throughout my adult life. I'm pretty the same age as OP and like him, have never really dated or been involved in a relationship before. In fact, it's a miracle I've even touched a woman.

 

As much as I try to remain positive and keep my head up, the truth is that I am extremely embarrassed about my situation. Not only that, I am ashamed. This has led to a depression unlike anything I've really experienced before. There's not a day that goes by where I don't dwell on the fact I'm a 30 year old guy who's never been in a relationship before. I hate it and I hate myself. I'll even go as far as to tell you that I often think about my own death and it actually brings me comfort. I know it's pathetic but it's the truth.

 

This is further intensified by the fact that everyone around me is getting married or starting families. I pretend to be happy for these people when all I really want to say is **** you and **** your marriage. Not only am I pathetic, I've also turned into a bitter and angry jerk.

 

I feel as thought I've reached an age where I'm deemed damaged goods or undatable because of my "condition". At least that's what society keeps telling me. If you haven't had X amount of partners by this point, then you shouldn't even bother. You're a loser and women don't want losers. It's extremely frustrating.

 

I'm aware of how pathetic this all sounds but it's truth.