Facebook Ex

[longjohn]

I found that my gf of just a few months still has her ex on Facebook and still has contact with him. I'm sure this story has been played out a 1000 times on here already. They message each other, text etc. Apparently he wants to win her back. I wasn't thrilled about this to put it mildly but held my tongue for a few days so I could think it over before responding calmly. She was honest about it and told me, I was assured there wasn't anything going on or going to happen there. I do believe her however my past experience has taught me this is crap. If ex's are allowed to hang around it's because there are still some feelings involved.

 

I suggested she may want to stop contact with this guy drop him from Facebook and not engage him in text anymore. I made a request not a demand and stated very clearly that his behavior is very much a direct threat to our relationship. I nicely said I'd not tolerate an ex hanging around more so an ex trying to get her back and most certainly an ex that knows where she lives that may want to "hang out". She agreed initially that his behavior wasn't good but claimed she could ignore him and had. I refuted this as she admitted they had texted very recently. I again requested a full blown cut from the ex as it would cause issues. She back tracked calling me controlling and possessive. I tried to be very tactful about my request and told her it was just a request she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to but I'd likely exit the relationship if she allowed such a threat to remain unopposed. I asked her to think about it from my point of view, what if it where my ex begging me to go back to her and I kept her on Facebook?

 

We talked this over very calmly without any emotions getting in the way. She finally agreed to cut contact with the guy and I'll wait to see when/if this happens. I'm hoping in the next few days I notice a cull from her account or when the month "review" is up on this relationship I will walk. I'd rather pull the plaster off quickly than hang around for it to be slowly torn off. I dated a woman a while back that had an ex that lingered, she too assured me all was fine and there was no threat they where just friends. I believed her, stupidly. Months later I'm told opps sorry but I actually have feelings for my ex and now I'm leaving you for him.

 

 

What do you guys think, am I being too harsh in making such a demand. I've no doubt there are ex's that remain friends without causing issues and even friends on facebook. I'm even friendly with my ex however I'd never call, text, email or facebook her just to talk.

[PegNosePete]

Apparently he wants to win her back. ... She was honest about it and told me

She told you, but what did she tell him?

 

IMO exes can be friends but only if the boundaries are set, and stuck to. She should tell him straight out that she is not interested in a relationship with him, that she has moved on and will NOT be going back to him. And he should accept that (ie. not flirt or say inappropriate things to her). If he carries on trying to win her back then she needs to sever the "friendship".

 

She agreed initially that his behavior wasn't good but claimed she could ignore him and had.

No, she should NOT ignore this behaviour. She needs to tell him that it is inappropriate.

 

Or, well, cut contact which she seems to have done. So problem solved I hope! But for next time... she needs to handle it better, if she had then she could possibly have kept the friendship.

[Zahara]

What do you guys think, am I being too harsh in making such a demand. I've no doubt there are ex's that remain friends without causing issues and even friends on facebook. I'm even friendly with my ex however I'd never call, text, email or facebook her just to talk.

 

I don't believe you are being harsh at all.

 

The fact that she has chosen to prioritize contact with the ex over the relationship and you is telling.

 

The fact that she lied to you and secretly kept contact even when you told her it has to stop is telling.

 

The fact that she got defensive when you confronted her is again telling because that was blatant gaslighting on her part to cover her butt and make it look like you're the one that's crossing the line.

 

I'm not sure how many chances you should give someone when they keep putting an ex ahead of their partner and their relationship.

 

Yes, there are exs that stay friends and that is perfectly fine -- but with boundaries in place. The fact that he wants her back and she is open to his contact is inappropriate.

[longjohn]

She told you, but what did she tell him?

 

IMO exes can be friends but only if the boundaries are set, and stuck to. She should tell him straight out that she is not interested in a relationship with him, that she has moved on and will NOT be going back to him. And he should accept that (ie. not flirt or say inappropriate things to her). If he carries on trying to win her back then she needs to sever the "friendship".

 

 

No, she should NOT ignore this behaviour. She needs to tell him that it is inappropriate.

 

Or, well, cut contact which she seems to have done. So problem solved I hope! But for next time... she needs to handle it better, if she had then she could possibly have kept the friendship.

He is well aware she's in a relationship and has been for sometime. She has told him this. He knows she won't go back to him however I don't think this will put him off. This is exactly why I believe he has to be dropped as a friend as he's still going on about getting her back. I hope she does the right thing for him and for our relationship because I like this woman and would hate to have to walk away because she's still attached in some way shape or form to an ex.

[mammasita]

Exes are exes for a reason.

 

I don't see any reason to keep them around as friends. I'm sure many will disagree and many have (exception is when kids are involved and even then you don't have to be "friends" - cordial is acceptable).

 

You have every right to ask for her to cut contact with her ex and if she doesn't, if I were in your shoes, I would walk too.

[PegNosePete]

He knows she won't go back to him however I don't think this will put him off. This is exactly why I believe he has to be dropped as a friend

Yes, you're right.

 

It's a bit worrying that you had to explain this to her and basically force her hand. She should have figured this out by herself. If an ex is to remain a friend then they must be a friend of the relationship, which means respecting the boundaries. He clearly doesn't, and she should have cut him off without your involvement.

[Omei]

Good for you!

You seemed to have gone about it the right way and what you speak are truths and what most people would see it as and feel like hopefully she will come to her senses and realize this is not worth forfitting your relationship for.

 

keep your feet planted with your plans

 

I too had this problem within the first few months of when I dated my ex, same response nothing will happen and I trusted him but I didnt trust the woman who was trying to gain him and made suggestions to hang out at her place etc it took me quite a few times to get him to realize that friends of opposite sex is perfectly fine but when they cross that boundary and keep crossing it after being told its not going to happen then imo that person has nullified any friendship that could of gone on whilst being in a relationship with someone else.

Edited July 18, 2014 by Omei

[longjohn]

Thanks for the comments. I believe, at least hope I'm doing this the right way. I looked up her ex as I was curious, and well it wasn't hard he's still on her facebook. Guess what his page. It's full of crap about my current gf. The guy seems quite hung-up over her. Posting drawings and writing songs etc. I drilled down into last year and found they'd been "together again" and he was so happy then she left him again. Even though she claims she was with him once and never goes back to ex's. Yes I think it's make or break time for this relationship and shall ponder my next move.

[marcjb]

You are going about it 100% the right way. Good for you! Don't put up with any kind of manipulative behavoir from her. She is gaslighting and projecting blame onto you because she is trying to justify her wrongful actions.

 

EX's should never be friends. Civil towards one another if run into? Sure, but not intentionally keeping them around. There is no good reason for it. It will not enhance a relationship at all in any way, shape or form and only bring drama and problems. It is only something a cake eater does. Someone that doesn't know how to move on and keep the past in the past.

Edited July 18, 2014 by marcjb

[longjohn]

You are going about it 100% the right way. Good for you! Don't put up with any kind of manipulative behavoir from her. She is gaslighting and projecting blame onto you because she is trying to justify her wrongful actions.

 

EX's should never be friends. Civil towards one another if run into? Sure, but not intentionally keeping them around. There is no good reason for it. It will not enhance a relationship at all in any way, shape or form and only bring drama and problems. It is only something a cake eater does. Someone that doesn't know how to move on and keep the past in the past.

 

 

I agree. All of my ex's are not my "friends" nor would I have them on facebook or want to hang out with them ever. I'd be nice and civil if I bumped into them but nothing more. What is done can't be undone

 

 

Yes that guy needs to be put firmly in the past. Once he is all will be good in the world unless there's resistance. Any resistance or defending the "friendship" will likely make me bolt out the door. Had I known she was still talking to her "friend" the ex when we first got together it's highly unlikely I'd have kept seeing her. I was going out with a woman once, on paper she was a perfect fit. Yet she compared me to her ex a few times who'd left her high and dry. I quickly extracted myself from that short lived relationship.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

My friend kept her ex on as a friend. They both have moved on and remain great friends. They don't do the whole facebook thing but skype now and then. The only thing that bothers me is that, for me personally, I'd never accept ex contact. My ex was 11 years ago ( finally in a new relationship ) and i'll never get over the fact that he was horrible and our relationship was toxic. You can forgive bur not necessarily forget and why should you? People that remain friendly with an ex make the toxicity spread not only in their own consciousness but alow it to affect the people that love them. I believe in severing. If it was a relationship that was worth breaking it off than it is worth severing all ties. Forgiveness but not forgetfulness. Is say if she continues this behaviour, you may have to end things and start over with someone that ended things with an ex partner several ions ago.

[FortunateSon]

Classic move for her to claim you are "possessive and controlling" when you maturely expressed your concern about this. She has boundary issues. I think it is a bit disrespectful when a current partner continues contact with an ex, especially when that ex is know to still has feelings and is interested in reconciliation. That would be a red flag for me. You might want to address these boundary issues immediately, otherwise I would pull the plug on the relationship. I went through something similar and will never go through that again.

[Gaeta]

So here is a thought.

 

If you would not try to control her behavior, if you'd let her do what ever she wants without saying a word, she would pretty much ruin this relationship with you, right?

 

So why don't you just let that happen? and then find someone who knows the meaning of commitment and compromise.

 

All you are doing right now is delaying the inevitable. She will continue being in touch with him in ways you won't be able to control, and this relationship will die in a few months instead of dying now of its natural death.

 

You can control her FB, her text, her email, but you cannot control her attraction to him so it's pretty futile to try to control the social apps when you cannot changer her in her heart.

[longjohn]

So here is a thought.

 

If you would not try to control her behavior, if you'd let her do what ever she wants without saying a word, she would pretty much ruin this relationship with you, right?

 

So why don't you just let that happen? and then find someone who knows the meaning of commitment and compromise.

 

All you are doing right now is delaying the inevitable. She will continue being in touch with him in ways you won't be able to control, and this relationship will die in a few months instead of dying now of its natural death.

 

You can control her FB, her text, her email, but you cannot control her attraction to him so it's pretty futile to try to control the social apps when you cannot changer her in her heart.

 

 

 

 

I've no intentions of controlling her. If I said nothing to her I'd have dumped her by now for the following:

• Hiding in the toilet with the phone
  
• Working late which I know they don't do there
  
• For some reason not wanting to see me on a Thursdays. Seriously no reason ever given.
  

She did dump her ex off facebook however she still defends him as a "friend". I did notice an almost immediate uptake in her texting with her stating it's family or friends. She became quite withdrawn at one point yesterday and was quite upset about something but it "wasn't me". She's gone back to hiding in the bathroom with her phone which I've asked her about previously. Another excuse, she's not trying to be uninterested and text in front of me (which she does daily) this time. Now she's just reading facebook and it's a habit she does. It's also why she's on facebook at 3am, it's a habit. I really don't believe this, I don't sit on the toilet for 15 minutes every other hour with my phone or take 30 minute showers with my phone or sit up half the night on facebook. The only time I mess with my phone is if it beeps or rings. She keeps her phone on silent facedown at all times when it's not on her. It's such a major red flag I can't afford to ignore it yet when I'm with her I actually believe her. I'm obviously emotionally invested and my judgment is impaired by this.

 

She maintains she's not interested in this guy. His facebook states he's very interested in winning her back. He did post of his "heartbreak" months ago when she told him she only wanted to remain friends. They've been split up for over a year but where together two years. I sometimes get this bad feeling I'm the rebound guy and she'll work things out with this fella in my f00kin bathroom and I'll be back to square one wondering WTF just happened. I did some digging and asked around. I found that her most recent couple of relationships since this guy ran only 2 - 4 months.

 

I sometimes wonder If I'm horribly paranoid from my last relationship where she (my ex) was with another guy.. and did some of the same things, hide the phone and be evasive. The trouble is, is I've invested emotionally with this woman and I can't tell if she's being for real or if she's playing me. I actually believe her when she says "there's no one else, only you". But I've heard this before in a past relationship and it was a lie. It's quite confusing from my point of view.

[JBlackstone]

This sounds just like how my last relationship began. He was still friends with an ex who lived out of state. This ex was constantly messaging, commenting and liking all over his FB. She was actively trying to get back together with him and always questioning his feelings and why he didn't want to 'rekindle their romance' (her exact words). He never told her to stop behaving inappropriately, even after she shared that she would love to fly in and surprise him. I found all of this out after snooping in his email, I know it's wrong, but I just knew there was more to this than he was letting on.

 

He was adamant that they were just friends and I truly believe he didn't want to be with her BUT he was not man enough to put his foot down and stop her behavior which in turn put unneeded stress on our relationship. He kept saying she's just a friend and I shouldn't tell him who he could be friends with and that things have a way of going away on their own. HA. He is a very passive person and I know that their relationship was more out of convenience than love. They were friends for 8 years and dated only briefly. Clearly she wasn't over it.

 

I should have ran at this point and saved myself a lot of angst. He finally did stop talking to her but she never really went away until she got a new boyfriend years later. A couple of years into our relationship, she even changed her profile pic to an old photo with him. Granted she may be crazy and this case a bit more extreme, but my ex and your gf are the same in that they did not put their current relationships first and were more concerned about hurting an ex than their current lover.

[Elle1975]

Just an anecdote.. one of my exes contacted me, yet again, a few days ago. He wants to hang out.. I didn't even bother answering him. I'm just not interested. He's an ex, not a friend.

 

She's a walking red flag. Go find someone who wants to be with you.

[longjohn]

Just an anecdote.. one of my exes contacted me, yet again, a few days ago. He wants to hang out.. I didn't even bother answering him. I'm just not interested. He's an ex, not a friend.

 

She's a walking red flag. Go find someone who wants to be with you.

The more I fall into the rabbit hole the more I realize I just might want to get back out.

[Elle1975]

Well.. the relationship is new, and already you're dealing with that.

[longjohn]

Well.. the relationship is new, and already you're dealing with that.

The relationship is about to be over with this one. It's been a terrible waste of time with her. Why would someone waste my time if they wanted to keep their ex on standby then lie about them being anything more than a friend. When obviously they were more than friends recently. It makes no sense why people are this stupid. Especially since I said up front, early on that I don't want to waste time, I had no major issues or baggage and no ex's stalking me. It feels like I put 100% into this and she gave me about 50% - 80% early on and only got to 100% in the last week.

[Mrlonelyone]

This all depends on the Ex and the breakup and how it all went. i.e. Why did they break up.

 

If someone was hurtful or cheated then this is strange. If they just moved apart either in terms of geography or life distance (different goals and desires) then you don't have anything to worry about.

 

There is a strong chance that acting jealous of him is what your GF wanted (some people are into that crap). At the same time being jealous of him could make you look weak.

[mangetout]

The relationship is about to be over with this one. It's been a terrible waste of time with her. Why would someone waste my time if they wanted to keep their ex on standby then lie about them being anything more than a friend. When obviously they were more than friends recently. It makes no sense why people are this stupid. Especially since I said up front, early on that I don't want to waste time, I had no major issues or baggage and no ex's stalking me. It feels like I put 100% into this and she gave me about 50% - 80% early on and only got to 100% in the last week.

 

I know what you are saying...my ex cheated on me three weeks after our blasted engagement party...with an ex he still had lingering feelings for.

 

 

They had hooked up for coffee a few times and ended up having sex. And all that time he was professing his undying love to me, expressing how lucky he felt to have me in his life and he cant wait to marry me.

 

 

Some people are dysfunctional. good riddance to him

[longjohn]

This all depends on the Ex and the breakup and how it all went. i.e. Why did they break up.

 

If someone was hurtful or cheated then this is strange. If they just moved apart either in terms of geography or life distance (different goals and desires) then you don't have anything to worry about.

 

There is a strong chance that acting jealous of him is what your GF wanted (some people are into that crap). At the same time being jealous of him could make you look weak.

They broke up mutually without any fighting. I thought there was nothing to worry about until I seen his facebook and blog. He says she was "back in his life" last year she claims they just hung out. She also claimed as stated she never seen nor talked to him then I found she had.. which is a lie. My gut is telling me she keeps him as the fall back guy. It explains her behavior, her being pissed when I pressed her to dump him off facebook... it just explains too much in my mind now. I think if I stay in the relationship and let her feed me lies that would be weak. If she really wanted to make me jealous then I should congratulate her all she did was make herself single again. Who knows maybe the fallback guy will be happy when she goes running back to him.

[longjohn]

I know what you are saying...my ex cheated on me three weeks after our blasted engagement party...with an ex he still had lingering feelings for.

 

 

They had hooked up for coffee a few times and ended up having sex. And all that time he was professing his undying love to me, expressing how lucky he felt to have me in his life and he cant wait to marry me.

 

 

Some people are dysfunctional. good riddance to him

Feels where I'm at now.. she claims to like me, had spent a lot of time with me. Always texting and talking to me. Then I find out she'd seen her ex and they are just friends and always have been. It's an obvious lie. I just can't figure out why people screw around like this unless they like being alone and unhappy.

[Mrlonelyone]

Like I said she could really just be friends with him. If people are mature and set boundaries they can. However, you sound young, Mid 20's at most. If she is also young and the Ex is also young then it is way more likely they are not setting mature boundaries.

 

Then there is the fact that women, especially young women, like to never not be truly 100% single for any length of time and they "monkey branch". That is, like a primate in the trees they don't let go of one branch totally until they are sure of their grip on a new branch. Men do this as well. There are both social reasons and psychological reasons for this. To be single and a young woman is very frowned upon.

 

 

My advice to you is this. This will sound awful. Use her. Nothing makes women want you more than the smell of another woman on you. We are like so many other animals that way. When I have someone I get approached more. Think that you still have her act like you still have her and people will be drawn to you.

 

They broke up mutually without any fighting. I thought there was nothing to worry about until I seen his facebook and blog. He says she was "back in his life" last year she claims they just hung out. She also claimed as stated she never seen nor talked to him then I found she had.. which is a lie. My gut is telling me she keeps him as the fall back guy. It explains her behavior, her being pissed when I pressed her to dump him off facebook... it just explains too much in my mind now. I think if I stay in the relationship and let her feed me lies that would be weak. If she really wanted to make me jealous then I should congratulate her all she did was make herself single again. Who knows maybe the fallback guy will be happy when she goes running back to him.

[longjohn]

Like I said she could really just be friends with him. If people are mature and set boundaries they can. However, you sound young, Mid 20's at most. If she is also young and the Ex is also young then it is way more likely they are not setting mature boundaries.

 

Then there is the fact that women, especially young women, like to never not be truly 100% single for any length of time and they "monkey branch". That is, like a primate in the trees they don't let go of one branch totally until they are sure of their grip on a new branch. Men do this as well. There are both social reasons and psychological reasons for this. To be single and a young woman is very frowned upon.

 

My advice to you is this. This will sound awful. Use her. Nothing makes women want you more than the smell of another woman on you. We are like so many other animals that way. When I have someone I get approached more. Think that you still have her act like you still have her and people will be drawn to you.

I find that highly unlikely they'd be friends. I mean I don't have female friends tag me at their place then hit like on it late at night. Sounds petty but it gives the very real impression she was still with the guy. I mean half her friends hit like on it.. when we changed status to "in a relationship" guess what.. none of her friends hit like on that. You can tell a lot by people's facebook activity at certain times. We are in our early 30's facebook shouldn't be an issue but it is thanks to her. When we met I asked her about facebook and she claimed never to be on it. She's was on it 24-7 which I found very strange. The issue is she never set boundaries that I'm aware of with the guy. She thought and still thinks it was fine to maintain contact with him and even meet him and maintain there was nothing going on. Maybe there wasn't while I was with her but it just doesn't sit right with me.

 

Here's the thing I've been single since last year. When the lady last year told an obvious lie I questioned it and I felt it was another lie. I pondered it for a few days then left her and told her why. This one I haven't bailed on as fast because I let my guard down. I agree that she was doing the monkey branch thing, jumping form ex to new bf and maybe she only just finally ended it properly with her ex now she feels secure on this branch. But my question now is do I want to wait until she finds another branch? Will she find another branch? That's not a chance I want to take with this one. I just wanted a sane, single, no drama, compatible woman that actually wanted a relationship, one on one without any contaminants.

 

I don't think I need to use her in any way shape or form to get another woman. Getting another woman isn't difficult it's getting the right one that isn't going to f00k with your head or play games of any sort that's near impossible.