Am I overreacting to the things my boyfriend says about others?

[freddie731]

So, I have been with my boyfriend for about 18 months now. He is my first serious boyfriend.

 

Anyway, I have been having doubts for about a year now about whether to continue in the relationship. There have been a lot of little issues, but I guess that I have been putting up with my doubts for a while because I am not quite sure how things are supposed to work in a long-term relationship and what is normal and what isn't. One of the issues that I have been having is that my boyfriend has a tendency to say things that come off as insensitive, and as time goes on, it gets a little harder to overlook. However, I am wondering if I am just being hypersensitive. I just spent a few hours with him, and he said all of the following things:

 

Referring to a group of people he met during his vacation this past weekend, he said that he met a group of "failures," apparently because they work at Quizno's all day and smoke weed in their spare time. He used this word previously to refer to another friend of his who is in a rut, partly because he is gay but very religious and very closeted.

 

Then, he referred to his best friend's wife as an "idiot"; he has called her an idiot before, although he has also said that he loves her (as a friend because she makes his best friend happy). I grimaced at this, and he explained that she has a history of making bad decisions with money, and that apparently she and his best friend want to have a child without really considering the state of their finances. (I conceded that it isn't really too smart to plan a pregnancy without thinking about money, if everything can be planned out ahead of time.) He then added that, since he doesn't think that their finances are really at a point where they can support a child, but they seem gung-ho about having a child anyway (and have been actively trying for a few months now), he thinks that the best outcome might be that any pregnancy that she might have will fail, and that they will have more time to plan.

 

Finally, when talking about his best friend's parents, he was telling me about how they met, and he said that they both are artists with advanced degrees in art, "whatever that means." He has previously said in so many words that only graduate degrees in things like the sciences are worthwhile (he's studying chemistry, and I'm studying chemical engineering). I called him on this one too, and he said that he really loves them, and that they themselves say that they don't really use their degrees or that they weren't necessary, but...I don't know, it didn't sit right with me.

 

These aren't really isolated incidents. He says things like this every so often. I guess that maybe we all talk like that sometimes, though...

 

In short: Boyfriend says some things that bother me on a relatively regular basis, but are they truly things that I have a right to be bothered by, or am I just really thin-skinned?

[RyanBeynolds]

He's gossiping and you don't seem like a gossiper. Girls gossip, don't know why he is.

 

I think you are being fairly thin-skinned, but I also think he has no right to say what he does. I am a Biology major and am headed towards Med school, but I don't sit on a high horse at all. I know life would be boring without any music majors.

 

I think you should ask why he cares so much about other people's lives.

 

I am very much about equality, and my girlfriend's family could be on the opposite end of that pole. She has yet to introduce me to her parents because she is scared of a situation like this, I suppose. I have met her brother, and he was saying disgusting things about African-Americans that I felt so uncomfortable and had to leave.

 

What I am getting at is, I think you should either stand up for said strangers and put some sense into your boyfriend's head, ask him what his deal is... or if you keep getting fed up and are unhappy, then leave. I would prefer you do the former in asking what his deal is, because you don't want to throw out something good for something that can be fixed.

[maysj18]

Are you with my ex?

 

Lol, but seriously. My ex was just like this! He's in med school now, double majored at UF in math and chem and graduated with like a 3.9? Smart gut but a down right idiot. He had NO common sense when it came to anything outside of school which made him look like an even bigger douche honestly. Just because you're book smart doesn't mean you're not a "failure" in other areas. I mean, his idea of changing oil was just waiting until your levels were low and adding a couple quartz here and there.

 

I'm a chem graduate myself and after being around "scientists" for so long, I've realized the sort of arrogance that environment breeds. I may be off on a tangent but he seems rude and condescending. If you've been questioning it this long it's a good idea to break it off because speaking from experience, that sort of personality flaw doesn't just go away.

[RyanBeynolds]

Are you with my ex?

 

Lol, but seriously. My ex was just like this! He's in med school now, double majored at UF in math and chem and graduated with like a 3.9? Smart gut but a down right idiot. He had NO common sense when it came to anything outside of school which made him look like an even bigger douche honestly. Just because you're book smart doesn't mean you're not a "failure" in other areas. I mean, his idea of changing oil was just waiting until your levels were low and adding a couple quartz here and there.

 

I'm a chem graduate myself and after being around "scientists" for so long, I've realized the sort of arrogance that environment breeds. I may be off on a tangent but he seems rude and condescending. If you've been questioning it this long it's a good idea to break it off because speaking from experience, that sort of personality flaw doesn't just go away.

 

Haha, sounds like my Dad. Needless to say he cheated on my Mom

[Gaeta]

I personally find it a very ugly character trait. I think that if he talks like that about others then one day he'll be talking like that about me.

 

Why don't you point it to him?

[Emilia]

I think him and I would get on

[GildedLily]

So, I have been with my boyfriend for about 18 months now. He is my first serious boyfriend.

 

Anyway, I have been having doubts for about a year now about whether to continue in the relationship. There have been a lot of little issues, but I guess that I have been putting up with my doubts for a while because I am not quite sure how things are supposed to work in a long-term relationship and what is normal and what isn't. One of the issues that I have been having is that my boyfriend has a tendency to say things that come off as insensitive, and as time goes on, it gets a little harder to overlook. However, I am wondering if I am just being hypersensitive. I just spent a few hours with him, and he said all of the following things:

 

Referring to a group of people he met during his vacation this past weekend, he said that he met a group of "failures," apparently because they work at Quizno's all day and smoke weed in their spare time. He used this word previously to refer to another friend of his who is in a rut, partly because he is gay but very religious and very closeted.

 

Then, he referred to his best friend's wife as an "idiot"; he has called her an idiot before, although he has also said that he loves her (as a friend because she makes his best friend happy). I grimaced at this, and he explained that she has a history of making bad decisions with money, and that apparently she and his best friend want to have a child without really considering the state of their finances. (I conceded that it isn't really too smart to plan a pregnancy without thinking about money, if everything can be planned out ahead of time.) He then added that, since he doesn't think that their finances are really at a point where they can support a child, but they seem gung-ho about having a child anyway (and have been actively trying for a few months now), he thinks that the best outcome might be that any pregnancy that she might have will fail, and that they will have more time to plan.

 

Finally, when talking about his best friend's parents, he was telling me about how they met, and he said that they both are artists with advanced degrees in art, "whatever that means." He has previously said in so many words that only graduate degrees in things like the sciences are worthwhile (he's studying chemistry, and I'm studying chemical engineering). I called him on this one too, and he said that he really loves them, and that they themselves say that they don't really use their degrees or that they weren't necessary, but...I don't know, it didn't sit right with me.

 

These aren't really isolated incidents. He says things like this every so often. I guess that maybe we all talk like that sometimes, though...

 

In short: Boyfriend says some things that bother me on a relatively regular basis, but are they truly things that I have a right to be bothered by, or am I just really thin-skinned?

 

 

He's a name caller and not a very nice guy, don't think he won't do this to you in time. Don't buy a pit bull if what you want is a Lab.

[bubbaganoosh]

Seems to me he likes putting everyone else down just to boost his own ego. Nothing like using someone elses back as a ladder to reach the top of Mount Imbetterthanyou.

[Emilia]

Well, my serious response to this I suppose is that people bitch and moan. All the time. I will seriously not believe if anyone says they never slammed the phone down on an 'idiot' that frustrated them with bad customer service (like when your bank overcharged you, or there were hidden charges in something and you only found out later, someone ripped you off, etc). I don't see how it's any different.

 

I think the boyfriend is just more outspoken and as a result more honest. A colleague of mine was saying this morning how she looked at someone's legs yesterday on her way home and she just felt annoyed for no reason. That's because she is frustrated at work and that's how her anger manisfested itself. Towards a stranger, only in her thoughts.

 

people judge. They will think you are a loser, I'm a loser, someone else is a loser. So what? It's natural. No-one is an angel and I'm sorry but the 'holier than thou' are just being dishonest with themselves.

[maysj18]

Well, my serious response to this I suppose is that people bitch and moan. All the time. I will seriously not believe if anyone says they never slammed the phone down on an 'idiot' that frustrated them with bad customer service (like when your bank overcharged you, or there were hidden charges in something and you only found out later, someone ripped you off, etc). I don't see how it's any different.

 

I think the boyfriend is just more outspoken and as a result more honest. A colleague of mine was saying this morning how she looked at someone's legs yesterday on her way home and she just felt annoyed for no reason. That's because she is frustrated at work and that's how her anger manisfested itself. Towards a stranger, only in her thoughts.

 

people judge. They will think you are a loser, I'm a loser, someone else is a loser. So what? It's natural. No-one is an angel and I'm sorry but the 'holier than thou' are just being dishonest with themselves.

 

What you're describing is entirely different than what OP described. Like I said earlier, I dated someone just like this and he actually believed he was above most people. Of course we all get annoyed with people, have an off day, or just can't stand a certain person, but it is NOT acceptable to make a habit of it. The comment about science majors being smarter than anyone else also is a red flag because it demonstrates his arrogance.

[leavesonautumn]

I personally find it a very ugly character trait. I think that if he talks like that about others then one day he'll be talking like that about me.

 

Why don't you point it to him?

 

Seconding this.

 

It's my first thought when someone gossips about someone else to me or around me, I just think, what will they say about me as soon as I leave the room?

 

It's not like what he's saying is horribly offencive or dangerous, it's just unattractive.

[O'Malley]

Of course we all get annoyed with people, have an off day, or just can't stand a certain person, but it is NOT acceptable to make a habit of it. The comment about science majors being smarter than anyone else also is a red flag because it demonstrates his arrogance.

 

This. Maybe some people enjoy giving and being on the receiving end of that kind of banter in a relationship, but it makes no sense to be with someone if you're uncomfortable with a major aspect of his personality. If he constantly finds fault with his friends, it's usually only a matter of time before you become a target as well. I'd also take note of how he handles condescension and criticism when it's directed towards him - does he shrug it off or does he get hostile? You can bring up how his comments bother you, but likely his ego will prevent him from understanding how it's affecting your perception of him.

[Elle1975]

I'm not sure it really qualifies as gossiping. It's something else. This need that he has to put everybody down, the name calling followed by "I love him though". It's ugly.

 

This constant negativity would wear me down too.

[pteromom]

Yeah, it seems he is quite judgy, and believes he is better and smarter than other people. I don't think you are overreacting - I think your gut is telling you what kind of person he is, and you would be wise to listen to it.

 

If what you want is someone who is kind, accepting, and tolerant, this isn't that guy.

[deathandtaxes]

OP, your bf sounds like an insecure *******. We all have opinions, but for him to constantly put his on display? I really, really dislike people like this.

[TXGuy]

Does your boyfriend say things like that in public or just in private with you?

 

If he says it in public, he needs to work on his PC filter. If it is only with you in private, that just means he is comfortable enough with you to share his true feelings without the fake PC filter people use in public.

 

Lets face it, everything he said is true. You probably agree with him, you would just use more diplomatic words.

[TXGuy]

These forums, even this thread, is full of people judging others for their life choices. About a third of the posters here use more colorful language than your BF.

 

I think you are being way over sensitive. If you don't think so, then maybe you two are not a match.

 

Another option is to tell your boyfriend he needs to use his public face PC filter when he is around you.

[GravityMan]

I think you should ask why he cares so much about other people's lives.

 

Agreed. That is the crux of the problem here.

 

OP, your bf sounds like an insecure *******. We all have opinions, but for him to constantly put his on display? I really, really dislike people like this.

 

This. Confident people don't get worked up over how other people live their lives. It's pointless, unhealthy and a waste of time. Sure, there are some folks out there who are rather unsavory in one way or another, but so what? Confident people don't dwell on those kinds of people. Her BF's condescending attitude is a very strong sign of insecurity. Condescending people tend to rub a lot of people the wrong way. In addition to insecure, this guy sounds arrogant and elitist. Constantly putting others down in public or private is a very bad character flaw. One day he might do it to his own girlfriend (if he isn't already when hanging out with his buds).

 

I don't think the OP and her BF are compatible.

[spiderowl]

Your examples really resonated with me. This is the reason I am currently alone and do not have a partner. I have had numerous opportunities, but five minutes into a conversation a guy will say something insensitive and that's it for me. For me, what some say is so stark, it makes me feel like I've just tripped over a kerb and can't go on with them. I'm sure they never know what they've done either, but I'm totally turned off by similar inane comments.

 

I wouldn't follow my example or you'll end up alone for years like me, but if you are finding it hard to tolerate now it's only likely to get worse as 'familiarity breeds contempt'. Just a thought.