Jay77098 Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I am seeking some input from all the ladies here on LS. Here's my problem: I am basically starting to think that I must be the most boring guy on the planet, because I am not getting many 2nd dates with the women that I have been seeing. I am doing some dating through a match-making service, and to be honest, I haven't WANTED a 2nd date with most of them. But I have met a couple that I wanted to see again, and haven't had any luck in getting a 2nd date. I am a reasonably good looking guy, tall and in shape. I have a good job and have a lot of stuff going on in my life. So I should be getting better dating results than I am. I didn't have such a hard time when I was younger (I'm 46 now), but recently I feel like I'm striking out miserably. Any comments? On your 1st dates, what attracts you to a guy and makes you want to accept a 2nd date? Thanks for any input! Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 If you didn't want to see most of them again either, that was probably obvious to both of you. I think when lack of interest is mutual it's usually very clear. Sounds like the matchmaking service has the criteria wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) Second date.. smart, funny, respectful. I suppose Also, a lot of people just refuse to give it a chance. They want the WOW effect before going on a second date. If the guy is half decent looking and has the qualities a woman is looking for in a man, why not a second date? Why do people ALWAYS need the spark? The spark can come down the road. If after a few dates the two of you still aren't "feeling" it, then it's fair to call it. I don't think your age matters. My ex just turned 46, I'm 40, and I am looking in the 40-48 bracket. Not everybody looks for a young buck. Edited July 14, 2014 by Elle1975 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sugarlove Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Right now I'm 35. I"m actually waiting for me to grow up before I dare venture into dating again. Tried dating a couple of guys but I always seemed to hit it off with the younger men due to the way I look. The older guys just don't take me as seriously or they put a lot of pressure on the outcome of the date which scare me away. So it'll be great if you don't put too much pressure on it being a great successful night.. just be comfortable with each other. For a second date? I will usually give someone who bothers to listen to me on the first date, ask me questions and share a bit about himself. I like someone who shows me he has goals or at least settled down a bit with where he is in life. Makes me laugh, goes out of his way to be gentlemanly. I love it when a guy treat me like a lady, good mannered and just generally nice. A warm genuine smile always attract me. Preparation is key. Nothing scares me more than those long awkward silence. Prepare some funny stories before hand, perhaps about your dating experience, childhood, work environment. Search online for interesting questions to ask, instead of the same old gettingtoknowyou type of questions. Oh yes, I always tend to agree to a second date if they ask me at the end of a great first date. I guess it's good to use the moment when both parties are feeling great. SOmetimes, if they take too long to call me back to arrange a second date, I lose interest or felt they did. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Do you exchange good and representative pictures of yourself before meeting? and do you speak on the phone? The first dates that were a no go for me was always because the man was not like he had represented himself online or he improper language with me during our first meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I am seeking some input from all the ladies here on LS. Here's my problem: I am basically starting to think that I must be the most boring guy on the planet, because I am not getting many 2nd dates with the women that I have been seeing. I am doing some dating through a match-making service, and to be honest, I haven't WANTED a 2nd date with most of them. But I have met a couple that I wanted to see again, and haven't had any luck in getting a 2nd date. I am a reasonably good looking guy, tall and in shape. I have a good job and have a lot of stuff going on in my life. So I should be getting better dating results than I am. I didn't have such a hard time when I was younger (I'm 46 now), but recently I feel like I'm striking out miserably. Any comments? On your 1st dates, what attracts you to a guy and makes you want to accept a 2nd date? Thanks for any input! You’ve described your assets in terms of what men stereotypically consider most important- physical appearance, income, activity level. You’ve left out verbal and conversational skills, which are a very high priority for lots of people. Conversation doesn’t have to be dazzling, just connected, engaged, and with interplay. (Analogize it to sex.) I don’t know if that’s the issue you’re having. Only you and your dates could assess that. But I mentioned it because you left that element out, and it is very important to many women (and men too). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 It's probably a chemistry thing. Not much you can do about that. Many people on OLD have GIGs which doesn't help. All in all it's a numbers game. Keep trying. Also maybe mix up & try a variety of new in person places to meet people. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunfire73 Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I accept 2nd dates even when I don't feel any instant attraction, as long as i don't see any red flags, not just divorced, wants a relationship, shows interest in me, funny, seems like his life is in order, knows how to carry a conversation, confident, sends a positive vibe. This is what i felt with my now bf. I was on the fence about my attraction to him during our first date, but he's all the things i described above. So I gave him a 2nd date and my attraction grew. I'm 40 and he's 46. Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I'm 33 - so I can only give you me experience. I've been using OLD for about 9 months now after my ex and I split. BlueIris did point something out - you left out describing anything about yourself besides what I could find out if I was hiring you for a job. What are your interests, hobbies, what brings about the passion or curiosity in you. If you're using and OLD site women can find those things about you before you ever meet them. Does your description talk about what ignites your flames - do you reveal a little bit about your foibles, your dreams, etc.? I've hit a similar wall in the past 2 months - had made it to 12+ dates with a woman before that, but I think that one really wore me out. I tend to be a little too flexible in the beginning and also a little too dreamy eyed to start out. However, I've managed to date those second and third dates - so you just have to be yourself. Even if you are a total nerd and read national geographic just be yourself. Discuss it. Ask a date about things you're interested in and find a common connection. Your post did say that you're good at realizing who you are not interested in, so you just have to work on making sure you use the pre first date tools to find women who would be interested in you - that's why I try to text and talk so much before going on a first date - but of course, you still won't know about chemistry till you meet up, but it will help reduce the frequency of no second dates. Link to post Share on other sites
Potz4prez Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 It's probably a chemistry thing. Not much you can do about that. Many people on OLD have GIGs which doesn't help. All in all it's a numbers game. Keep trying. Also maybe mix up & try a variety of new in person places to meet people. Took me until hit #20 on urban dictionary. The acronym still doesn't make sense Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jay77098 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 You’ve described your assets in terms of what men stereotypically consider most important- physical appearance, income, activity level. You’ve left out verbal and conversational skills, which are a very high priority for lots of people. Conversation doesn’t have to be dazzling, just connected, engaged, and with interplay. (Analogize it to sex.) I don’t know if that’s the issue you’re having. Only you and your dates could assess that. But I mentioned it because you left that element out, and it is very important to many women (and men too). BlueIris: Thank you for your comment. This is exactly what I am starting to wonder. I don't think my conversation skills are lacking at all, but I am beginning to have my doubts. I went out with a woman last Thursday, and we talked for 2 hours over wine and there was never a point where I thought the conversation was forced or awkward. But maybe she was bored to tears. I am lots of self-doubt about this issue these days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jay77098 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Thanks to everybody who posted a response; I appreciate your thoughts. This is a source of real frustration for me right now, and I can't quite figure out what I'm doing wrong... Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 In general (and I work with a lot of men) I notice that 70% of them like to hear themselves talk an awful lot. I mean, really to the point they hardly listen to what the other person says, thinking themselves so interesting that they hold a 10 minute monologue without interruption. So I hope you are not that type and show genuine interest into the lady you are out with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 I've been on dates with men who talked loads..but never listened. Do you listen and interact? What kind of body language and facial expressions are most common in women when when you go on first dates with them? Did you notice..or was the wine flowing too freely? Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 Took me until hit #20 on urban dictionary. The acronym still doesn't make sense I'm so glad it's not just me! I have no idea what that means! Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 If the guy is half decent looking and has the qualities a woman is looking for in a man, why not a second date? Why do people ALWAYS need the spark? The spark can come down the road. If after a few dates the two of you still aren't "feeling" it, then it's fair to call it. Because some people get invested, attached, and weird after more than one date. They claim you lead them on by sacking it off after the third or fourth. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 ... I went out with a woman last Thursday, and we talked for 2 hours over wine and there was never a point where I thought the conversation was forced or awkward. ... "Forced, awkward or bored" aren't really the kernel of it. Kind of, but not really. Most adults can converse with a stranger, especially by the time you get to your 40's and 50's. Basically you ask open-ended questions and follow ups. But conversational connecting is more about really tuning in, caring, curiosity. (Maybe others can pin this down better?) You know it's working when you're feeling the other person and you sense that you're both letting your guards down and flowing, playing off each other. It's different from cocktail party banter, business schmoozing or telling jokes and stories, which are far more detached and more about performance than interplay. Maybe watch what happens and how women talk with each other, how they ping-pong back and forth, the tempo and how they pick up threads of conversation. Heck, you might even go to a womany lunch place and watch women talk to each other. Where I live, "True Food" is loaded with women lunching. Something like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jay77098 Posted July 15, 2014 Author Share Posted July 15, 2014 AN UPDATE First of all, sincere thanks to all for your replies. I really do appreciate the input. And special thanks to BlueIris for the suggestion about listening to women talk to each other. That's good advice! So the update: The woman with whom I had drinks last week called me back last night, and we have a 2nd date set up for next week. So maybe I wasn't as boring as I thought. After talking to her last night for about half an hour, I think maybe she is just a bit reserved and quiet. I am excited about seeing her next week. Wish me luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Excellent, Jay. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jay77098 Posted July 24, 2014 Author Share Posted July 24, 2014 ANOTHER UPDATE Just a quick update for those that were kind enough to read and reply to my thread. I went out again with the same woman on Tuesday night. We went to a nice Italian restaurant, and shared a bottle of wine and had a great conversation (which ranged from laughing at silly stuff to discussion of more serious topics). It was great fun. Afterwards, we shared a lonnnnnng but respectful kiss in the parking lot and agreed to see each other this Saturday. So far, so good. Wish me luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 In general (and I work with a lot of men) I notice that 70% of them like to hear themselves talk an awful lot. I mean, really to the point they hardly listen to what the other person says, thinking themselves so interesting that they hold a 10 minute monologue without interruption. So I hope you are not that type and show genuine interest into the lady you are out with. Haha VERY good point Tav! This has been the case for me on many, many dates and it is indeed frustrating. I can't tell you how many dates I've been on with men who either can't seem to carry a conversation to save their lives OR they turn into the ME-Monster Thankfully you appear to have hit it off with someone. I wish you only the very best. Enjoy! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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