Chemistry...to wait or not to wait?!

[stanleyandme]

Hi all, I need your help and advice please about dating again after a three year absence ;-)

 

I am a single mum who split up with me little boy's dad when I was pregnant, and I have been single for just over three years now. Recently I met a guy and we've had three dates and are due for another next month (he works on a boat out in the med and I'm in the UK so meeting is tricky!) The first couple of dates I wasn't sure there was any attraction but something was drawing me to him and the third date I started to think I might fancy him (enough for us to get intimate). He's currently out on the boat again so we are texting most days and talking on phone or skype at least once a week. The more we talk, the more I like him - he's kind, thoughtful, bright and we've got loads in common (hiking, wild camping, politics, learning etc) and I definitely would like to see him again...

 

BUT (isn't there always!) I don't get that strong chemistry feeling, that heart stopping, gut wrenching desperate sexual attraction and I'm wondering if that matters. There are also certain things that I'm not attracted to (his bad jokes and slightly bizarre penchant for slipping into foreign accents at the drop of a hat!) With my little boy's dad I felt an instant overwhelming chemistry and that never went away (and is still present sometimes) but he doesn't have the kindness to go with it so it's a no-brainer that he's not the one for me.

 

My question really is that my head is interested in this new guy but my heart isn't quite in it... is it okay to wait for my heart to catch up or do you think you know straight away if someone is the right one for you? We are both mid-40's so maybe the 'I want to rip your clothes off' stage has passed... although even writing that makes me feel like it hasn't and I'd miss it if it wasn't there. Arghhhh!!! Its so hard, I know there aren't millions of great men around so don't want to give up on one who could be a lovely partner.

 

Help! xxx

[d0nnivain]

The gut wrenching chemistry matters to some not to others. Personally I need it to even kiss the guy or go on the date but for some that kind of incendiary attraction throws reason out the window & enables them to make bad choices.

 

If you have always done the chemistry thing & it worked out badly for you, try this other approach to see if you get better results.

 

Bottom line though. It's your choice. You have to do what feels right for you.

[Wisecrack]

Not dwelling into specifics but don't you think it's ironic that the guy you had chemistry with instantly is now absent from your life and in front of you, you have what by the sounds of it, a decent guy you're interested in. Give him a shot. Whats the worse that can happen?

[aprilisi]

I've had that feeling with many guys, it never worked out. I think its overated.

 

Of course I'm 37

[stanleyandme]

Hi all, thanks so much for your replies...

 

Wisecrack - you're right, what's the worst that can happen, I just need to calm myself down as I get very anxious in relationships and especially if someone is very into me (as this guy is). I tend to run in the opposite direction and my brain comes up with lots of little things that I find irritating to put me off. Its bloody hard work to keep calm and take things one step at a time!

 

Aprilisi - are you saying you've had the overwhelming chemistry with guys and it didn't work out? Its interesting because I have too and they haven't worked out either. I should learn from that!

 

dOnnivain - thanks, your right, I should try a different approach, I'm going to try and stay calm and just go for it!

[DontBreakEven]

I think you should go for it and see what's there. How do you even know you don't have that chemistry? You haven't even been intimate ... he may knock your socks off!

 

For me, personally, I'm looking for it all - kind, chemistry, the whole shebang. Can't stop Won't stop till I get it!

[aprilisi]

Hi all, thanks so much for your replies...

 

Wisecrack - you're right, what's the worst that can happen, I just need to calm myself down as I get very anxious in relationships and especially if someone is very into me (as this guy is). I tend to run in the opposite direction and my brain comes up with lots of little things that I find irritating to put me off. Its bloody hard work to keep calm and take things one step at a time!

 

Aprilisi - are you saying you've had the overwhelming chemistry with guys and it didn't work out? Its interesting because I have too and they haven't worked out either. I should learn from that!

 

dOnnivain - thanks, your right, I should try a different approach, I'm going to try and stay calm and just go for it!

 

yes, turned alot of men down through the years because I didn't feel it. And I'm still single at 37. The men I have felt it with turned out to be players or the feeling just faded over time.

[stanleyandme]

Hi Don't Break Even - sorry, I didn't make it very clear in my message - we did get intimate on the third date ;-)) And it was amazing. But the next day I had convinced myself that it was all too quick and I didn't fancy him enough to keep it going. I was also tired and overwhelmed by the whole thing (having had a three year break I was out of practice!) Anyway, I guess because the next day I felt different I wondered if there was enough there. Arghhh!! It all feels so complicated. Lots of my friends say things like 'once you meet 'the one' you just know and you won't have any doubts' so I see doubts as a bad sign. But then I know my brain has a tendency to create spurious doubts where there don't need to be any so I don't think they are necessarily a good indicator...

 

Sheesh, sorry, I'm rambling. I'll stop now ;-) x

[stanleyandme]

Aprilisi - I totally get where you're coming from. I'm 42 and have never given a guy I didn't feel that 'thing' for a chance. Hmmm - a lesson to be learnt. To make things more difficult my ex came over last night (we try to meet up regularly for the sake of our son) and those old feelings were back as strong as ever. Of course I know he's a player and not the right one for me but he was on super funny, intelligent form and just had me in the palm of his hand (nothing happened and hasn't since we split up but it doesn't stop me wanting it to).

 

I also know that the passion partly comes from it being unrequited love and if we were together 24/7 I'm sure those fireworks would have long faded but that doesn't stop the chemistry from being intense. If only I could feel that for a 'nice' guy for a change. I think I need to grow up!!

[stanleyandme]

Hi Enigma - you're right, and it doesn't sound rude at all! I appreciate the honesty. My ex isn't hot in the slightest, he just has a lot of the qualities I look for (he's bright, funny, energetic, confident etc). I do really want to give the new guy a chance but if I'm not feeling the attraction enough then it can't really be right can it?

[stanleyandme]

Hi Enigma, very sound advice. I like this guy I've just met but really wish we hadn't slept together so quickly so we could spend some time just getting to know each other. I've told him I'd like to rewind a bit and when we see each other again be friends and see what happens but is that just me being naive? I really don't want to mess him about but I guess I've been honest with him and he's happy with the situation so that's okay right? x

[Damia]

Hi Enigma, very sound advice. I like this guy I've just met but really wish we hadn't slept together so quickly so we could spend some time just getting to know each other. I've told him I'd like to rewind a bit and when we see each other again be friends and see what happens but is that just me being naive? I really don't want to mess him about but I guess I've been honest with him and he's happy with the situation so that's okay right? x

 

Hi stanleyandme, I read your thread yesterday I came back today to see if things had cleared up any;)

I am in a very similar situation, the above has helped me also and I am very interested to see how you are going figure this all out.

Good luck it's tricky finding mr right especially when your previous mr right turned out to be mr wrong

[stanleyandme]

Hey Damia,

 

lovely to hear from you ;-) Well, things have evolved over the past 24 hours. I decided to have a very peaceful day yesterday, went out for a dinner with friends last night and this morning went to Pilates and did some meditation. What I've realised - through creating some space to let the answers come naturally - is that my instincts are telling me this man is not for me. I'm not entirely clear why but my gut feel is always right and I have to listen to it. I decided this morning that next time we speak I'm going to tell him that it won't progress past friendship for me... and then I'm going to get back out there and do some more (low intensity!) dating! Having made the decision I feel really good so that tells me its the right thing ;-)

 

I hope your situation works out well. Go with your heart, listen to your gut and you won't go far wrong. Come back and let me know how it goes won't you? Warmest thoughts xx

[Damia]

Stanleyandme it is unnerving how your advice mirrors exactly how my day went!

 

I had brunch (3rd date) with my lovely,articulate,kind and genuine bloke. He is really sweet but there is no "spark".The interesting thing is he had already picked up that I was not sure, so we talked about it at brunch. He was very understanding and is prepared to just be a "friend" a concept I find unusual.

 

I, like you feel relived and that the decision is the right one but the little voice at the back of my brain can not help wonder if the "spark" is not something to do with bad boys

 

How goes it with you ? Have you spoken to your new guy again?

[Leigh 87]

I tried to see how it went with a guy last year.

 

He was cute, he was like my usual type (fair, light hair) but for some reason, I didn't get the spark; I felt a friend vibe only.

 

IT sucks as he was funny and he made me laugh a lot more than current bf really, but there just wasn't sexual chemistry from my end, even though there was NOTHING wrong with him, and he was in fact VERY very lovely.

 

I wish I felt it for him but after nearly two months I didn't feel enough spark or sexual chemistry:(

 

It is nothing to do with attraction to me as I did find him attractive.

 

Sometimes I am just either sexually attracted to a man or I am NOT; sometimes it has grown after a few dates, other times it HASN'T.

 

I prefer butterflies after date one but I would wait until date 3 or 4 to rule it out entirely.

 

It has never developed after a month or more; if it wasn't there by then, there was never a true sexual spark present.

[stanleyandme]

Hey Damia,

 

god, we are living parallel lives!!! I haven't spoken to the 'nice guy' yet (he lives on a yacht in the med so its tricky!) but I've been pondering the question of chemistry and where it comes from. I saw my ex again - he was picking up my son - and the electricity is overwhelming. But then I realise he's not the one for me and it starts to wane. At the end of the day its just the body's reaction to something in that other person - a lesson to bring to our soul, or a pattern that we have created that they somehow complete. Its not real (in the sense that anything that is feeling-based is not real) but we can perpetuate it by the thoughts we have about it. Hope this makes sense - I'm not articulating it very well!!

 

Anyway, Mr nice is not over in the UK until mid-August so we'll meet up as friends and take it from there. Despite everything I've said on here there's something that keeps drawing me back to him... its the weirdest thing!!

 

Leigh - it's interesting what you say about attraction being there but no spark. I hadn't really thought about it like that, I always presume that where there's attraction there's spark but it's not like that is it? I think Mr nice is very attractive and sometimes there's a spark... and sometimes not. I guess only time will tell if that comes back and stays or completely disappears. My instinct still tells me its a no but only time will have the true answers.

 

xxx

[Leigh 87]

You know, I think chemistry either develops:

 

- instantly! that one normally crashes and burns.

 

- after 3 or 4 dates you start to feel the butterflies. Sometimes as intense as instar attraction, sometimes not.

 

- you are friends and one day out of seemingly no where, you just fall in love and realise you saw something in each other that was always there but you just didn't fall for them instantly!

 

The thing about falling madly in love with friends is; you don't ever force it! You BECOME friends FIRST, before even thinking about what will happen down the track. People grow and change, and something about each other suddenly lights your heart on fire.

 

It is silly to try to feign attraction though, it is either there after a few dates or there is little to no passion. In which case be their friend but not in the hope it will "develop" .

 

I hope that helps. Good on you for sticking to your guns and breaking it off with that guy, it is always best to just be honest.

[Kid_Charlemange]

BUT (isn't there always!) I don't get that strong chemistry feeling, that heart stopping, gut wrenching desperate sexual attraction and I'm wondering if that matters.

 

Interesting that I found this thread, as I was about to start a new one on a similar topic. I think I'm dating a woman who feels the way you do, about me! We've gone out five times now. Each one was lovely, and I am positive we both had fun. We're quite compatible from an intellectual, political, and cultural POV. She is a tad "out of my league" in the physical department, but not ridiculously so. She's very comfortable with touching; we routinely sit very close to each other, lots of contact between legs and arms. She always turns towards me when she talks to me. She takes off her shoes and puts her feet up on the dashboard of my car when I drive places. I've been to her house twice and she doesn't seem awkward at all. And her dog really likes me

 

All great, right? But after five dates, we're not even close to intimacy. Last Friday, we're sitting on her couch, and she has her iPad opened up so we can read about the details of the play we've just seen. She's nestled under my arm and occasionally puts her head on my shoulder. All very cozy. But when I gently lift her chin to kiss her, she keeps the kisses very short, closed-mouthed, etc. This happens a couple times and it's clear she's not comfortable with this.

 

Finally it's getting late, and she says she's starting to fade. Then she asks if I know my way home. I respond, "Nope, too tired, couldn't possibly navigate my way back. Guess I'll have to stay here." in a teasing voice, of course. She laughs and responds "Oh I'm not that easy."

 

So a few minutes later we make our goodbyes. But even as I'm leaving, it seems like she is hesitant for me to go, she's standing in the doorway of her house -- looking great, I might add -- and keeps adding little extra goodbye things. Smiling at me. Body language very, very comfortable.

 

I can't quite figure this out. Part of me thinks she's going to friendzone me, but I also think it's possible she just takes things slow. Or (and this is more likely), I'm not the only guy she's dating and she doesn't want to be intimate with two men at once. Or, maybe she's feeling like you are -- she enjoys my company, recognizes that I'm an excellent match on so many levels, and feels a real link with this smart, funny, sweet, clever fellow, but is just missing that "gut-wrenching" pull. We're both 50+, and both have been married before, so we kind of know what we like and are looking for.

 

So let me ask you this: If this fellow were to ask you straight out what your expectations were for your relationship at this point, would that scare you off? Or would it lead to a nice, honest discussion about your feelings for each other (or lack thereof)?

 

Edited to add: I should have read the entire thread before responding. Sorry. Well there is a similarity even so; my ex and I split on terrible terms, but every time I see her, I feel an electrical shock in my spine. That happened yesterday. Perhaps that is part of the issue, still having a connection with the ex that makes it difficult to connect with someone new.

Edited July 13, 2014 by Kid_Charlemange

[bu2002]

I tried to see how it went with a guy last year.

 

He was cute, he was like my usual type (fair, light hair) but for some reason, I didn't get the spark; I felt a friend vibe only.

 

IT sucks as he was funny and he made me laugh a lot more than current bf really, but there just wasn't sexual chemistry from my end, even though there was NOTHING wrong with him, and he was in fact VERY very lovely.

 

I wish I felt it for him but after nearly two months I didn't feel enough spark or sexual chemistry:(

 

It is nothing to do with attraction to me as I did find him attractive.

 

Sometimes I am just either sexually attracted to a man or I am NOT; sometimes it has grown after a few dates, other times it HASN'T.

 

I prefer butterflies after date one but I would wait until date 3 or 4 to rule it out entirely.

 

It has never developed after a month or more; if it wasn't there by then, there was never a true sexual spark present.

 

 

How soon did you and him start kissing? So I'm assuming you didn't feel anything when kissing him, but continued to date him?

 

I struggle with this as a guy, trying to balance the physical attraction with a girl as well as the emotional attraction. I realized personally the emotional attraction is hard for me to develop if I don't feel that initial sexual attraction.

 

I get where you're coming from though, I feel like after date 3 or 4, I should be ready to want to rip her clothes off, understanding that I'm willing to wait until that emotional connection has hit to where she's ready.

[stanleyandme]

Hi Kid, (can I call you that?!) your dilemma sounds like a pretty common one - us girls are a weird breed! Its really really hard to judge what's going on with her (especially as I've never made it through five dates without at least a snog ;-)) I'd say maybe its a friend thing but the only way you'll know that is if you ask the question. After five dates - and the next will be number six - you have a perfectly legitimate reason. My date kissed me on the first night, talked about 'us' on the second date and sent me flowers after the third so a chat sounds positively tame in comparison.

 

Of course, the flip side of this is that, if she's interested she will eventually get intimate with you with or without a conversation and the conversation may send her running. All the attention from my date was extremely off putting and if he hadn't pursued me so tenaciously I would have disappeared pretty sharpish. One approach you could try - just for the next few days - is to pull back a bit. If she's interested she will come to you and it is one of the mysterious and magical laws of attraction that women like to go through the whole 'I wonder if he likes me, he hasn't shown it, I wonder when he'll call etc etc' thing.

 

Go with what feels like the right thing to do - you could pull back a bit for a few days and see what happens and then try the conversation next time you meet. Remember, its early days and friendship is a fantastic basis for a relationship so the more time you put into that now the better foundation you could have for the future.

 

Good luck and let us know what happens next! xxx

[stanleyandme]

Hi Bu - just seen your message (not sure if it's for me or Leigh but I'll answer anyway!)... we kissed on the first date, I didn't intend to but he grabbed me and it was very attractive the way he did it. I did definitely have an attraction to him (when I first saw him coming towards me, I thought wow!) but there was something about him as we talked that I wasn't sure about. He talked about himself a lot - something I find off-putting - and told lots of stories related to his job that I couldn't relate to. But underneath all this I could see he was a kind man and something about him intrigued me. The second date we kissed again and the conversation started to get better but there was still that nagging sense that there was something about him I wasn't sure about.

 

As a woman (and as a man I'm sure) there is a balance to be sought - do you walk away from someone potentially great, just because of minor niggles? My sense is that it takes a few dates to suss this out and for me sexual compatibility is a huge part of whether someone is right for you. I've met someone who I've not been sure about and then when the intimate side starts its electric and all those niggles disappear. Its a tricky thing to negotiate isn't it?! All you can do is go with your gut and follow your heart xxx

[stanleyandme]

Hey Damia and Kid - just wondered how you were both doing? Has anything happened over the past couple of days? Am thinking of you both ;-) x

[Kid_Charlemange]

You can call me Kid

 

I texted her on Sunday to tell her I had a lovely time; she responded pretty quickly. I think I will pull back a little and give her a bit of space. I can't see any harm in that.

[ponchsox]

If it feels natural, I like to show affection fairly quickly when I'm with a woman I'm interested in. I'd rather be a little aggressive than not make any moves and lose her interest.

[Damia]

Hi stanleyandme

 

I'm sort of in limbo. I think we are going to try the "friends" track and slow it down a little? I am a bit unsure just what that looks like though

 

Ponchsox : we are all a bit different but I would run the other way if a bloke showed too much affection too soon. especially if it was only 2or 3 dates in.