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Had the chat, agreed to be exclusive. How to manage next stage...


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Finally had the exclusive chat with the girl i have been seeing for over 2 months (met on tinder) We are in our twenties, professionals and both very social. For the last 8 weeks we spent alot of time with eachother 2/3 times a week. Slept with eachother and did what most gf/bf do. She had been the one expressing her feelings, whereas i was very reserved and avoided serious chats. However in the last 10 days things had slightly changed. Didn't see her for a whole week until yesterday.

 

Recent event that could have caused her problems

 

She has just moved into a new house with 4 house mates (mix gender)

She has some personal issues

Misses family (living away from hometown working in London)

Me telling her that we need to talk about us a week ago (probably not the best intro)

 

So last week i told her we need to talk about us as i could see she was down or something was wrong. Her contact with me was still there, but not as positive and bubbly. Thought i either need give her the exclusive talk or there is something else going on.

 

Tension had built up over the week due to me saying 'we need to talk about us'. She had been hot and cold with me all week and hold told me she was worried that i was going to ask her to go into a full blown relationship, but but made it clear she was happy with me.

 

THE CHAT. (yesterday)

Upon seeing her it was clear that we were both happy to see eachother. The week apart did us well. Everything was normal as always. We sat down for some food and drinks (romantic setting, but chilled). I began to tell her that i was ready to be exclusive and that i wasnt seeing anyone else and had not since we got together. Told her in no way do i want to put pressure on us, but i am enjoying how things are. She was happy about it. Emotions ran high and we began to relax and open up to each other. She told me she was having a tough time in the last 2 weeks, thinking about the new house, new friends, no family and then ME. She wanted to reduce the pressure on her and wanted to focus on building friendships with her new housemates as she has a lack of close mates in London (living away from home). She said she wanted to avoid only have a BF to turn to as it would always make things worse for the relationship (totally respect this). She said she needed to find herself and then give herself to me fully.

 

I always made it clear that i am happy to take things slow, which she knows. Me saying we need a chat, scared her and made her angry. During the chat this was gone as she now heard what i had to say. She said she missed me and eye contact became stronger and stronger showing happiness. We deleted tinder, became friends on facebook and became even closer mentally and physically as the evening went on. We created that spark again. I told her that i don't need to see her all the time, but just know that shes there and both have trust. She agreed and said the same. Having been communicating and seeing each other ALOT in the first 8 weeks, we now saw that this approach of being more chilled would be better for us and relationship.

 

NEXT STEPS...

 

Should we still speak everyday via text/phone/email?

Would it be wrong not to initiate if she doesnt for a day?

Do i send her messages in the morning wishing her a great day etc

Do i wait for her to say lets meet up baring in mind she wants to invest time into friends? I dont want to initiate and push meetups, but dont want to not see her for more than a week.

Do i keep comms lighthearted as it were in the early days of seeing her?

Do i just be normal self. Not needy, but caring and like to speak to her everyday. She is needy and has been for weeks, but only recently due to reasons above she has changed, so i just need to manage it appropriately.

 

Thank you

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PegNosePete

Glad it went well for you dude! Good to see a happy outcome on here for a change.

 

Yes keep things light, and just be your normal self. You are still the guy so probably expected to do the asking out. But totally fine to see each other once or twice a week, if she sees you twice then she has 5 other days in the week to build friendships right??

 

Text/phone communication is something you need to figure out with her, every relationship is different. I have several texts daily with my gf but some people will tell you not to do that at all, only to use text to organize dates. It's really up to you and her to figure out what level you're both comfortable with.

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I thought about this and honestly it seems like a slow fade. As a woman if I'm REALLY into a guy I'm not going to give a speech about how I need to get to know my roommates and finding myself. I'll admit maybe I just don't get your relationship because you spend a lot of time worrying about this "relationship" yet don't want her to be your gf and she doesn't want you to be her bf but basically you'll just keep messing around until it fades it sounds like. Hey every relationship is different maybe at this time in both your lives this is all you need until the right one comes along. Did she explain why she was back on Tinder?

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I also have something add, which didn't really convince me last. Probably the only thing out of our good meeting!

 

She broke up with her ex bf in February. They were house mates, turned couple. Were together for a 1.5 years. In January/February he told her that he liked her, but had to dump her because she was always hot and cold with him and was just not making him happy (i don't know anymore). They lived together, so he made her move out, which she did.

 

He talked crap about her, made her look bad to all mutual friends and said she was treating him badly etc. He was a little obsessive and jealous based on what she told me. He recently heard that she had a new boyfriend (ME). She told me he texted and she responded (supposedly flat toned), but didnt know if she should block him. I really didn't say much apart from that if he's lingering i would rather stay away from it all.

 

Last night during our chat i asked if he was still texting and she said he did, but only because she had letters that were delivered to his. She said they or mutual grounds and there is nothing there. The way she acted with me the whole night explains shes happy, but for some reason, i feel this guy is going to linger around and slowly keep in contact. He threw her out, bad mouthed her and now she has a BF he is in contact?!

 

I don't know people. What do you think??

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I thought about this and honestly it seems like a slow fade. As a woman if I'm REALLY into a guy I'm not going to give a speech about how I need to get to know my roommates and finding myself. I'll admit maybe I just don't get your relationship because you spend a lot of time worrying about this "relationship" yet don't want her to be your gf and she doesn't want you to be her bf but basically you'll just keep messing around until it fades it sounds like. Hey every relationship is different maybe at this time in both your lives this is all you need until the right one comes along. Did she explain why she was back on Tinder?

 

She deleted and added tinder a few times she said. She said she knew i was always active as she would check. She was never convince that i wasnt seeing anyone, as it she never felt content about us. we have both deleted now.

 

She has shown me alot of affection and expressed feelings over the last 8 weeks. Her explanations make sense, she didnt give a speech, it was just a response on how she currently feels and why she had taken a step back as she thought i was going to ask her into a full blown relationship. She was happy to call us BF and GF. No problems.

 

However my last concern is that her mood slightly changed in the last weeks for the reasons shes given (which i have to believe), but its funny that its also since her EX BF texted her saying 'i hear you have a new BF and told he was hurt but thats life'.

 

She told me nothing is ever going on and they are on mutual grounds as stated in my above post.

 

I am stressing about this. What do you guys think?

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PegNosePete
she had taken a step back as she thought i was going to ask her into a full blown relationship. She was happy to call us BF and GF.

Enlighten me - what is the difference, exactly?

 

Actually I agree with HappyLove, it does seem like a bit of a fade, and certainly hot/cold. Since you said that is why her and ex split up... now her behaviour seems to be following the same pattern with you. Especially with the above quote. What does a full blown relationship mean, and why doesn't she want one? Seems quite strange.

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Enlighten me - what is the difference, exactly?

 

Actually I agree with HappyLove, it does seem like a bit of a fade, and certainly hot/cold. Since you said that is why her and ex split up... now her behaviour seems to be following the same pattern with you. Especially with the above quote. What does a full blown relationship mean, and why doesn't she want one? Seems quite strange.

 

She told me it was the pattern we created of spending ever whole weekend together and that she was always turning to me for a chat and didn't have that with her friends.

 

Slow fade - I understand why you think this, but after our discussion last night everything has picked up again. Seemed happy and relaxed that we were still taking it light hearted and not falling in love. She is insecure and afraid of being hurt. However this whole ex bf being around is not a good sign. Don't know how to deal with it apart from bring it up with her, but I feel it will be a second convo too soon after yesterday's

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I'm confused about the difference between BF/GF and a full blown relationship as well? Aren't they one in the same? If I'm calling someone my boyfriend, we are in a (full blown?) relationship.

 

I think she's unsure about what she wants in general and might be giving you the run around.

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I'm confused about the difference between BF/GF and a full blown relationship as well? Aren't they one in the same? If I'm calling someone my boyfriend, we are in a (full blown?) relationship.

 

I think she's unsure about what she wants in general and might be giving you the run around.

 

If you rememeber i gave her the 'we need to talk about us' line. This general give people the idea that the convo is either going to be bad (as in a dumping or break up) or that im going to tell her that i 'love her' and expect more from the relationship.

 

She has admitted that her mind is all over the place and has been honest. I gave her the option last night as in we can either be exclusive or we can call it a day if she doesn't want that. She didnt like the idea of calling it a day on bit and told me she missed me and that she was happy.

 

Probably a good idea to take things casual as i did in the first few weeks as it sounds like we all want to take it slow. Just this ex BF is in the way, however rarely he appears.

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PegNosePete
I gave her the option last night as in we can either be exclusive or we can call it a day if she doesn't want that. She didnt like the idea of calling it a day on bit and told me she missed me and that she was happy.

Hrmm so hang on, you gave her 2 options and she didn't choose either of them? She didn't agree to be exclusive? Meaning... she is seeing, or wants to see, others?

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Hrmm so hang on, you gave her 2 options and she didn't choose either of them? She didn't agree to be exclusive? Meaning... she is seeing, or wants to see, others?

 

No she agreed to be exclusive. I said she did in the inital post :) She agreed to be exclusive, we deleted tinder, talked about the ex (she said there is nothing and they are on mutual terms regarding the breakup 6 months ago. She also said she could now call me boyfriend!

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PegNosePete

OK - but I don't understand how this "full blown relationship" thing came about. What's the difference between that and what you have now?

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I gave her the option last night as in we can either be exclusive or we can call it a day if she doesn't want that. She didnt like the idea of calling it a day on bit and told me she missed me and that she was happy.

 

You didn't give her 2 choices, you gave her an ultimatum. When you feel against the wall so much that you need to give the other person an ultimatum it's the beginning of the end.

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You didn't give her 2 choices, you gave her an ultimatum. When you feel against the wall so much that you need to give the other person an ultimatum it's the beginning of the end.

 

 

Sorry guys maybe i havent explained properly.

 

Last week i told her that 'we need to speak about us'. This built up over the course of the week as we were unable to meet. During the week she asked several times what it was about and that she was worried and it was stressing her out. She said shes really enjoying everything we have, but said shes worried im going to ask her to go into a full blow relationship and shes not really ready yet. She told me this before and said shes has feelings for me but wants to take it slow due to past experience and the stress it gave her.

 

My chat with her was basically around taking the next step to being exclusive (meaning not seeing anyone else). This doesnt mean we sleep, eat, breathe together? I mean this my opinion on it. Not always a good idea to label, but when looking into it like this it makes sense to label. She was happy with this and that it was lighthearted. Our actions show we are full on, but i guess not labeling it so early on is for the better no? Im really not bothered about the whole if its labelled full blown/serious/dating etc.

 

Having the chat was key so we could express our feelings. She wants to meet my family and for me to meet hers. Only PROBLEM i have on my mind is this lingering ex bf. Do i bring it up again or just let me be????

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Nah, you still gave her an ultimatum.

 

I would like you and I to be exclusive and take it slow, what do you think about it? = not an ultimatum

 

We can either be exclusive or we can call it a day = Ultimatum

 

Also, don't tell her in the middle of the week you need to talk and that will happen days after. That is cruel, don't do that! If you care about someone you don't put them in situation where they worry for days what is going on. When you see her you just say you'd like to talk.

 

You told her already you don't like the ex-bf situation. She explained to you the situation about him getting mails that's why she contacts him, what's the problem?

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Nah, you still gave her an ultimatum.

 

I would like you and I to be exclusive and take it slow, what do you think about it? = not an ultimatum

 

We can either be exclusive or we can call it a day = Ultimatum

 

Also, don't tell her in the middle of the week you need to talk and that will happen days after. That is cruel, don't do that! If you care about someone you don't put them in situation where they worry for days what is going on. When you see her you just say you'd like to talk.

 

You told her already you don't like the ex-bf situation. She explained to you the situation about him getting mails that's why she contacts him, what's the problem?

 

I understand. Luckily we got through that ok and we both wanted the same things.

 

EX-BF = he doesnt contact her for ages, doesnt want to speak to her until he hears she has a boyfriend...i dunno its a bit dodgey. I guess i have to trust what she says?

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Yes you have to trust her.

 

I have an ex that does the exact same thing, when I have a boyfriend suddenly he wants to be with me and we're meant to be together, I ignore him.

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Yes you have to trust her.

 

I have an ex that does the exact same thing, when I have a boyfriend suddenly he wants to be with me and we're meant to be together, I ignore him.

 

Thanks. Hopefully she will ignore him when its irrelevant. In this case she had things to pick up.

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Versacehottie

Glad it went so well! I don't know, I think people are getting you all worked up when there is no real problem. Things are moving forward just the way you both wanted. Communication sounds like it was very good. And you both deleted tinder right there in front of each other. All positive steps that indicate you are close and have raw materials to be even closer.

 

I don't think it's the slow fade at all. She is just being honest about what she can give--which coincidentally matches exactly what you had in mind a week ago. What's the problem? None. Except don't let little doubts and insecurities creep in. Guys often proceed with the assumption that a girl wants full blown relationship and most often her actions back that up--that's culturally typically how it goes because as girls it's what we are taught to want/do. When presented and faced with something "real" rather than the fantasy we think we want and our friends and msg boards tell us we must demand, we get scared of losing ourselves just like guys who hesitate at beginning do too.

 

I think it's very mature of her and trying to set things up for a successful relationship with you to make sure she is not too dependent on a boyfriend. Better for both of you in long run. I think people DO bring same or similar problems into next relationship--it's who they are and how they relate to others. So she may be the type to run hot and cold--doesn't mean she's fading--it's just who she is. You will just have to find your way that you deal with this part of her and yes keep an eye on it from a distance. I have a friend going through this exact scenario right now. She is worried that a full blown relationship will overtake her life and she knows she has some other things to take care of so that she is not too dependent on the guy--and had similar talk with her new guy this weekend. I'm surprised at all the responses that you get that say answers are so black and white. Idk, life is not like that.

 

As for her ex-bf, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. It was him that heard she moved on; realized she wasn't coming back because she had taken a new flat, etc---he's the one who is trying not her. Unless you felt a niggling feeling when she told you he'd contacted her, I'd let it go. She'd probably still be in temporary accomodations if she planned/hoped to get back together with him. She's signed a lease at new place right? When it comes to jealousy and ex's etc, you can just do your game and make it the best it can be rather than control the situation. You told her how you feel about it and you're the one with a clean slate and a chance to be awesome. He will always be the one she has problems and broke up with. Rise above.

 

As far as level of contact going forward, that's a bit tricky. I would back off a bit but when you do stuff together be your best self. Be a reminder of how much fun it is together. If it was 2-3 times per week and all weekend, then go 1-2 per week and just a portion of weekend. I would still text&phone as much because that doesn't prevent her from developing her friend relationships. I don't think it will take more than a month before she is ready to have more of you in her life.

 

Good luck

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Glad it went so well! I don't know, I think people are getting you all worked up when there is no real problem. Things are moving forward just the way you both wanted. Communication sounds like it was very good. And you both deleted tinder right there in front of each other. All positive steps that indicate you are close and have raw materials to be even closer.

 

I don't think it's the slow fade at all. She is just being honest about what she can give--which coincidentally matches exactly what you had in mind a week ago. What's the problem? None. Except don't let little doubts and insecurities creep in. Guys often proceed with the assumption that a girl wants full blown relationship and most often her actions back that up--that's culturally typically how it goes because as girls it's what we are taught to want/do. When presented and faced with something "real" rather than the fantasy we think we want and our friends and msg boards tell us we must demand, we get scared of losing ourselves just like guys who hesitate at beginning do too.

 

I think it's very mature of her and trying to set things up for a successful relationship with you to make sure she is not too dependent on a boyfriend. Better for both of you in long run. I think people DO bring same or similar problems into next relationship--it's who they are and how they relate to others. So she may be the type to run hot and cold--doesn't mean she's fading--it's just who she is. You will just have to find your way that you deal with this part of her and yes keep an eye on it from a distance. I have a friend going through this exact scenario right now. She is worried that a full blown relationship will overtake her life and she knows she has some other things to take care of so that she is not too dependent on the guy--and had similar talk with her new guy this weekend. I'm surprised at all the responses that you get that say answers are so black and white. Idk, life is not like that.

 

As for her ex-bf, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. It was him that heard she moved on; realized she wasn't coming back because she had taken a new flat, etc---he's the one who is trying not her. Unless you felt a niggling feeling when she told you he'd contacted her, I'd let it go. She'd probably still be in temporary accomodations if she planned/hoped to get back together with him. She's signed a lease at new place right? When it comes to jealousy and ex's etc, you can just do your game and make it the best it can be rather than control the situation. You told her how you feel about it and you're the one with a clean slate and a chance to be awesome. He will always be the one she has problems and broke up with. Rise above.

 

As far as level of contact going forward, that's a bit tricky. I would back off a bit but when you do stuff together be your best self. Be a reminder of how much fun it is together. If it was 2-3 times per week and all weekend, then go 1-2 per week and just a portion of weekend. I would still text&phone as much because that doesn't prevent her from developing her friend relationships. I don't think it will take more than a month before she is ready to have more of you in her life.

 

Good luck

 

Thank you the kind and informative post. This does help a lot. My guy tells me everything is fine, but it was only the ex BF that I had questions with. Yes she has signed a new 12 month lease and I have to trust her with what she says.

 

Today our comma already picked up again and is stress/game free. She sent me a message this afternoon saying 'you make me smile so much! :) x' she hadn't sent one of those in over a week! I guess that was was purely down to me worrying her with what I wanted to talk about!

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She also said she could now call me boyfriend!

 

She said shes really enjoying everything we have, but said shes worried im going to ask her to go into a full blow relationship and shes not really ready yet.

 

:confused: So confused, are you BF and GF or not?

 

I guess 1 of 2 things could be going on here. She wants to "hold back" and tone everything down because something is going on with her Ex and she wants to see how it pans out. Or 2, she's a sensible girl and is trying to build herself a social life before she commits to a relationship with you, like she said.

 

It's very hard to give advice tho when it's confusing as to whether you are exclusive, dating, full blown relationship or not. If you are in a full blown relationship, other than the Ex thing, whats the problem?

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Another thought, why text/ring/whatever someone saying "we need to talk", see that they are clearly worried and stressed about it and not even try and put their mind at ease??? I would have been going out of my mind if I was that girl, expecting to be broken up with. Maybe she got back in touch with her Ex as a backup plan whilst she was expecting to be broken up with.

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Another thought, why text/ring/whatever someone saying "we need to talk", see that they are clearly worried and stressed about it and not even try and put their mind at ease??? I would have been going out of my mind if I was that girl, expecting to be broken up with. Maybe she got back in touch with her Ex as a backup plan whilst she was expecting to be broken up with.

 

Sorry my fault for not putting all detail in the post. I had originally asked her to meet me as soon as but she couldn't. She almost changed plans for me but cancelled. Yesteday I found out she cancelled because she was really worried. I guess she thought I would tell her on the phone. I did speak to her on the phone last week and put her mind at ease telling her it's a positive chat.

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:confused: So confused, are you BF and GF or not?

 

I guess 1 of 2 things could be going on here. She wants to "hold back" and tone everything down because something is going on with her Ex and she wants to see how it pans out. Or 2, she's a sensible girl and is trying to build herself a social life before she commits to a relationship with you, like she said.

 

It's very hard to give advice tho when it's confusing as to whether you are exclusive, dating, full blown relationship or not. If you are in a full blown relationship, other than the Ex thing, whats the problem?

 

I believe she is doing the sensible thing. Her explanation of what she wants was option 2, but was happy to be exclusive me as she wanted it but so worried we couldn't be chilled and still take things slow. I told her I had nothing wrong with taking things slow. Yesteday a confirmed we bf/gf and not seeing anyone else. Just still along way to go and get to know each other more until we re full blown I guess. The labelling is annoying and does confuse things but it allows couples to break it down I guess.

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