my boyfriend hasn't worked since 2008. Is this a problem?

[joyuez]

As the title says - my boyfriend hasn't worked since 2008.

 

I am 9 years older than him (he is 31) and I am employed. Years ago I agreed to allow my boyfriend to live rent free with me (he spends of his savings on food and clothes. He lives extremely frugally) because I wanted him to explore his creative urges and be free to write. I used to want to be a writer when I was younger and my parents pushed me to work early on and I feel I squandered any talent I had by not working on it. I didn't want the same for him. I know he cares for me, but he has told me that he doesn't love me. He had a difficult break up in 2006 with a woman he loved but who treated him unfairly. They spoke on the internet for years and then she stopped talking to him. He had fallen in love with her and he waited until she finally visited him. She decided not to pursue the relationship and it generated anxiety in him. He was a broken man when I met him, but I valued his ethics and morals very much.

 

My problem now is - he hasn't worked since 2008 and he is obviously not happy. He has spoken of wanting to commit suicide. He does not want to return to work. I am waiting hoping that he will one day love me as I have loved and supported him, but I am not confident that he will ever return to work. I have never asked for any contributions for rent from him, but my friends have told me that the relationship is unbalanced for this reason and that he needs to work. I don't know what to do about this situation, or what to say to him. I fear that I will lose him if I ask him to contribute to paying rent. He will leave me and I don't want him to. What do you think I should do to make the situation more healthy? Can anyone help me?

 

***I need to add something. - In 2010 I disclosed sexual aspects of my relationship to a male friend of mine - an ex lover.***

- This ex told me that he fantasized about us. I crossed boundaries and I realize this now, but when I did this I was numb to this and did not recognize it.

 

- My boyfriend found out when he said he felt jealous and asked to check logs of our conversations. He told me he would leave me if I didn't show him.

 

- My boyfriend was very upset as a result and we have never been able to regain his trust. In addition he has been asking for something from me and I don't know how to give it to him: he says I don't give enough of myself to him emotionally.

 

- Because he has felt alienated in our relationship, on two occasions I said that I would accept him having a relationship with another woman so long as he stayed safe (STIs). He said he did it to provoke me into reacting and giving more to him emotionally. I did not want to lose him so I agreed.

 

 

**We have discussed breaking up before and he has told me that he would like to continuing living with me as it is difficult to find a roommate he can trust. He would pay rent in this case. I am not sure that this is a good idea**

[Priv]

This sounds unhealthy for all kinds of reasons.

 

 

If it was just the unemployement thing I would have suggested that maybe because he has been out of it for so long he is scared to enter the workforce and would need some professional help (job counselor etc.).

 

 

Yes, very ****ty move on your part talking to your ex about your (sexual) relationship. That is no free ticket for him for having relations with other women or emotionally blackmailing you. No idea about what he wants that you can't give.

 

 

He sounds like a using/contolling idiot with the suicidal threats/threatening to leave/can't trust roommates.

 

 

But all that in the end does not even matter. You are living, paying, and loving someone whom admits does not love you. Breakup with him, never talk to him again, and I promise you within a few months you will get your head straight and think 'WTH was I thinking'.

[GemmaUK]

Wow!

 

Of course he doesn't want to break up/move out!

He has it way too easy where he is.

 

He isn't going to suddenly one day love you - though he might try saying he does if you pile his stuff up outside and change the locks.

 

He sounds like a great manipulator and very controlling.

[Elle1975]

It seems to be more a rant than anything, since you are stating you aren't willing to break up with him, or demand for him to find a job. And for what, a guy mooching off you and who doesn't love you?

 

I know it's hard to look at a situation with objectivity while we're entangled in it. This is bad though. I would suggest talking to a therapist.

[veggirl]

It sounds like you are trying to buy his love.

[Emilia]

You are dating some overgrown schoolboy who is in a willfully dependent set up with you where you play his mum. It wouldn't be my ideal situation, to put it mildly.

[amaysngrace]

You're like his mom in this relationship. Not because of your age either but because of the way that you treat him.

 

Tell him to get a job or you'll cut off his internet connection. That worked for my son.

[Arieswoman]

Joyuez,

The short answer to your question is "yes".

 

If your guy hasn't worked since 2008 ( 6 years ) and shows no intention of doing so then you need to decide how much longer you want to bankroll him for.

 

Even if he isn't involved with his first choice of career, he could still get part-time work somewhere. So, IMO he's freeloading and just not trying.

 

I fear that I will lose him if I ask him to contribute to paying rent.

 

Ask yourself why you would want to be in this one-sided relationship?

 

He was a broken man when I met him, but I valued his ethics and morals very much.

 

So what do his ethics and morals say about sponging off someone else?

 

We have discussed breaking up before and he has told me that he would like to continuing living with me as it is difficult to find a roommate he can trust. He would pay rent in this case

 

So he would pay his rent if he wasn't in a relationship with you ?? But he won't pay now ? Oh boy this guy is a piece of work.

 

You asked what you should do. Simple. Dump this freeloader now and look for someone better - you deserve it.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you deserve better than this one-sided arrangement.

[joyuez]

Joyuez,

The short answer to your question is "yes".

 

If your guy hasn't worked since 2008 ( 6 years ) and shows no intention of doing so then you need to decide how much longer you want to bankroll him for.

 

Even if he isn't involved with his first choice of career, he could still get part-time work somewhere. So, IMO he's freeloading and just not trying.

 

 

 

Ask yourself why you would want to be in this one-sided relationship?

 

 

 

So what do his ethics and morals say about sponging off someone else?

 

 

 

So he would pay his rent if he wasn't in a relationship with you ?? But he won't pay now ? Oh boy this guy is a piece of work.

 

You asked what you should do. Simple. Dump this freeloader now and look for someone better - you deserve it.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you deserve better than this one-sided arrangement.

 

 

I think because I love him very much and I would miss him. He has always been very tactile and when I come home after work he always greets me with a hug. I feel cared for in small ways relating to companionship, touch and sex. I have never asked him for money because him living here for free is my gift to him. It would feel strange now after all these years to revoke this gift. He has added much to my life in terms of having someone to go home to, but in other ways he hasn't inspired or helped me to recognize my strengths and to play to these; and I have not done the same for him. We are stuck and I don't know what my next move can be without him leaving and me feeling so very alone.

[joyuez]

It sounds like you are trying to buy his love.

 

I don't think I am trying to buy his love. I let him stay here because I wanted him to have the freedom to write as I wanted to years ago, but received no encouragement from anyone to do this.

[amaysngrace]

Get a puppy. They greet you at the door when you come home.

[thekid36]

I don't think I am trying to buy his love. I let him stay here because I wanted him to have the freedom to write as I wanted to years ago, but received no encouragement from anyone to do this.

 

 

 

I can see how you would want to help him with something you are so passionate about. Especially given your own love of writing as well as experiences. And, there is nothing wrong at all with a partner wanting to help another. I would think that a few months of financial support would not ring many alarm bills.

 

 

The thing is that this man has not worked since 2008. Thus, the above statement does not necessarily apply.

 

 

I love writing and words are a huge part of my being! Still, I need to be a man and go out and work. Bills and stuff are real issues and of my own responsibility.

 

 

Seems as if he has a lot of issues that need to be worked out. Your job is not necessarily to fix him. His joy as a partner should be to help and support you. Hugs when you come home are not enough. Is this all you are looking for from a partner?

 

 

You say you are afraid of losing him if he is pushed. You cannot live your life in fear. Perhaps, a little tough love is what may just be needed here. I would consider giving him a timeline. You cannot continue living like this. Honestly, this is not healthy for either one of you at this point.

[Poppygoodwill]

In six years has he produced any writing?

 

Is he taking full advantage of this amazing gift of free time and a place to live in order to make the most of his talent?

[joyuez]

In six years has he produced any writing?

 

Is he taking full advantage of this amazing gift of free time and a place to live in order to make the most of his talent?

 

He has at times kept a diary for himself and has used the time to self-study a lot of literature. He can spend up to 16 hours studying.

[carhill]

IMO, it's not a problem if it's not a problem for you. If you wish to be a benefactor/sponsor, along with being a girlfriend, it works for you. Such arrangements, irrespective of gender role, go on every day. In some, there isn't even a boyfriend/girlfriend arrangement. People and relationships are as varied as the billions which inhabit our planet.

 

Personally, I've known very few women who would tolerate this but that's a spec of sand on the beach of woman-kind. My bet is, if/when the milk is sufficiently sour, you'll find the prospect of living alone to be OK. For now, things are acceptable enough, apparently.

[mickleb]

I suggest you invest in yourself as much as you've invested in this man and get some counselling to understand why you fear being alone so much.

[CarrieT]

OP, please understand something about this guy... he is a F.R.E.E.L.O.A.D.E.R!!!

 

See that again Freeloader.

 

You have given him a free ride because you are afraid of being alone.

 

He sounds so much like a guy I spent 11 years with... I met a guy in my late 20s who was a musician (he'd sold some songs and been on tour with a band and had some money because of his endeavors). The guy has talent.

 

And he wants to do something different with his music so we move in together and over the next ELEVEN YEARS, he does all this "personal study" - like your guy - but ultimately has nothing to show for his desires and work. Me? I worked three jobs to get him his equipment because there was always this line that if he had "one more piece of equipment," he could produce something.

 

At least my guy occasionally worked (night stock clerk at Target or the graveyard shift at a porno store), but in those 11 years, I kept waiting for him "to find himself" and be able to get a driver's license, or a GED, or produce some music that could be marketed.

 

It was as I was nearing my 40th birthday that I realized nothing was going to change because this guy had everything he wanted: Someone to support his endeavors with no reason to change or do anything different.

 

And your guy is the same. Why should he write anything? Of course he'll never find another roommate as giving and amenable as you. You are his mother and will never be a lover.

 

I'm sorry you feel so strongly for him and hope you don't waste your thirties the way I wasted mine - for fear of being alone... It took me over a decade to get over that fear.

[MissBee]

I suggest you invest in yourself as much as you've invested in this man and get some counselling to understand why you fear being alone so much.

 

I agree 1000% percent.

 

Your fear of being alone has caused you to WILLINGLY enter into an unequal, imbalanced relationship where you are supporting this man who seems to offer nothing much besides a warm body so you don't feel alone.

 

I really think you should seek counseling for why this is so...not to mention he may need counseling too if he has been talking about suicide.

 

Helping a bf is different from enabling him in unproductive ways...you've gone beyond help to basically enabling a man to pursue his "creativity" for over 6 years....to what end? Is he now a successful writer? No. I'm sorry but I get wanting to be a writer or whatever else....but come on, one can both write and work and if one has not worked for 6 years and hasn't paid rent or anything and still doesn't have a successful career writing....then it's time to rethink things and at least get a Plan B...i.e. actual job.

 

I also cannot imagine a man who genuinely loves a woman feeling perfectly okay with this set up. This man is using you but you've also happily agreed and said you sponsoring him for years is a "gift." Most self-respecting men would feel badly about allowing their gf to pay for everything for them for years...the fact that he doesn't is telling.

 

It's time for you to address your issues and reasons for why this is okay with you....well it actually isn't, or else you'd not be here...but you need to figure out how to demand more and to let go of fear. You're 31, not 71. I could understand a much older woman being scared of letting go because she won't have a companion but you're YOUNG! You have plenty of time to work on yourself and find a HEALTHY relationship with a man who is an EQUAL PARTNER! Instead of wasting years and years supporting this guy who isn't doing anything and has NOTHING to show for his 6 years of rent free living and who you've admitted isn't contributing much to your life. Relationships aren't charity cases: you are helping him because you felt bad because your mom didn't let you become a writer and also because you don't want to be alone. A good relationship doesn't start on such premises...so please seek a professional outside opinion to help you work through why this is the case. Like I said...helping is one thing, we all need help from time to time, but enabling and carrying someone through life is another, and that's what you've been doing and have NOTHING to show for it and it's obvious this guy has no intention of ever stopping this arrangement...and you seem like you don't either, talking about "gifts"...please you are not a fairy godmother, and even then, fairy godmothers grant wishes for a day not 6 years.

[joyuez]

OP, please understand something about this guy... he is a F.R.E.E.L.O.A.D.E.R!!!

 

See that again Freeloader.

 

You have given him a free ride because you are afraid of being alone.

 

He sounds so much like a guy I spent 11 years with... I met a guy in my late 20s who was a musician (he'd sold some songs and been on tour with a band and had some money because of his endeavors). The guy has talent.

 

And he wants to do something different with his music so we move in together and over the next ELEVEN YEARS, he does all this "personal study" - like your guy - but ultimately has nothing to show for his desires and work. Me? I worked three jobs to get him his equipment because there was always this line that if he had "one more piece of equipment," he could produce something.

 

At least my guy occasionally worked (night stock clerk at Target or the graveyard shift at a porno store), but in those 11 years, I kept waiting for him "to find himself" and be able to get a driver's license, or a GED, or produce some music that could be marketed.

 

It was as I was nearing my 40th birthday that I realized nothing was going to change because this guy had everything he wanted: Someone to support his endeavors with no reason to change or do anything different.

 

And your guy is the same. Why should he write anything? Of course he'll never find another roommate as giving and amenable as you. You are his mother and will never be a lover.

 

I'm sorry you feel so strongly for him and hope you don't waste your thirties the way I wasted mine - for fear of being alone... It took me over a decade to get over that fear.

 

I am 40 now... thanks for telling me your story. It's certainly something to think about. Sometimes I don't know whether I am fine or I've accepted this by compartmentalizing it all. I don't want to lose contact with him, and in addition he has no friends. This has been his home for years. I feel such a mix of emotions. I don't feel I am ready to be direct with him. I don't know how to set my mind on the issue.

[MissBee]

I suggest you invest in yourself as much as you've invested in this man and get some counselling to understand why you fear being alone so much.

 

I agree 1000% percent.

 

Your fear of being alone has caused you to WILLINGLY enter into an unequal, imbalanced relationship where you are supporting this man who seems to offer nothing much besides a warm body so you don't feel alone.

 

I really think you should seek counseling for why this is so...not to mention he may need counseling too if he has been talking about suicide.

 

Helping a bf is different from enabling him in unproductive ways...you've gone beyond help to basically enabling a man to pursue his "creativity" for over 6 years....to what end? Is he now a successful writer? No. I'm sorry but I get wanting to be a writer or whatever else....but come on, one can both write and work and if one has not worked for 6 years and hasn't paid rent or anything and still doesn't have a successful career writing....then it's time to rethink things and at least get a Plan B...i.e. an actual job.

 

I also cannot imagine a man who genuinely loves a woman feeling perfectly okay with this set up. This man is using you but you've also happily agreed and said you sponsoring him for years is a "gift." Most self-respecting men would feel badly about allowing their gf to pay for everything for them for years...the fact that he doesn't is telling.

 

It's time for you to address your issues and reasons for why this is okay with you....well it actually isn't, or else you'd not be here...but you need to figure out how to demand more and to let go of fear. You're 31, not 71. I could understand a much older woman being scared of letting go because she won't have a companion but you're YOUNG! You have plenty of time to work on yourself and find a HEALTHY relationship with a man who is an EQUAL PARTNER! Instead of wasting years and years supporting this guy who is doing anything and who you've admitted isn't contributing much to your life. Relationships aren't charity cases: you are helping him because you felt bad because your mom didn't let you become a writer and also because you don't want to be alone. A good relationship doesn't start on such premises...so please seek a professional outside opinion to help you work through why this is the case. Like I said...helping is one thing, we all need help from time to time, but enabling and carrying someone through life is another, and that's what you've been doing and have NOTHING to show for it and it's obvious this guy has no intention of ever stopping this arrangement...and you seem like you don't either, talking about "gifts"...please you are not a fairy godmother, and even then, fairy godmothers grant wishes for a day not 6 years.

[PogoStick]

You both have so many issues. I think it's beyond the kind of help you can find on this website.

 

Bottom line is he needs to figure out life, get over his depression, and become a productive person.

 

 

You #1 goal should be to fix yourself. He is only a distraction at this point. Be prepared to lose him in the process of taking care of yourself. Get professional counseling: You need to figure out why you are so scared and lonely, and why you feel unworthy of a higher quality relationship.

[FitChick]

Sounds like neither of you have ever dated anyone else and never will. Both want to be writers but never write, so are fantasists.

 

Do you at least get sex and housework out of him? Then you should marry him so at least you'd get a tax deduction.

[joyuez]

What do you think about my boyfriend's plan to pay me rent if we split up? I see it as him recognizing that this would be a fairer exchange.

[joyuez]

Sounds like neither of you have ever dated anyone else and never will. Both want to be writers but never write, so are fantasists.

 

Do you at least get sex and housework out of him? Then you should marry him so at least you'd get a tax deduction.

 

He has told me that he will never marry me.

[regine_phalange]

Anne Rice worked in insurance. TS Eliot worked in a bank. Lewis Carol was a teacher. Bram Stoker was a theatre manager. And your boyfriend deliberately doesn't work since 2008 to write? And he accepts living on your expense? Where is his dignity and your dignity? And on top of everything he doesn't love you? What ethics and morals of his did you love? What is in this relationship for you? What does he provide for you? Instead of fixing the relationship, please try to fix what is dysfunctional in yourself, which is your self esteem and ego.