Not feeling the spark after 3 dates, but...

[O_Boy]

So I need some further advice. I already posted about this girl, but for those who didn't read it here's the short version: I'm 32 and have very little dating experience. She's 31 and has zero. We met after being setup by a family member of mine.

 

I've gone out on 3 dates with her so far. The first one was dinner and it was veeeery awkward; lots of awkward silences and not knowing what to talk about. I chalk it up to her having never been on a date and being very shy / geeky, which I like. Second date went a lot smoother and we ended up in my car chatting for a while and eventually making out (her first kiss). Third date was this morning, a quick meetup for breakfast before I went to work. Forth date will be Thursday, a movie and arcade.

 

Here's the dilemma: I like her, but I'm not really feeling the spark. The thing is, I get the feeling that it has a lot to do with her not being able to open up just yet, and that we had an awkward start. I also am known to get inside my head too much and I think I'm focusing too much on the lack of spark on the first date and that in itself is getting in the way of me actually having one. I do like her and she likes me and I can certainly see things progressing, I'm just really worried about leading her on or hurting her if my feelings never grow.

 

Any advice?

[Gaeta]

I read somewhere that for 2 people to bond they need to experience together strong emotions like laughter, fear, sadness, etc.

 

I suggest you take her to an amusement park and try together the biggest and scariest roller coaster

[Mrin]

I like Gaeta's suggestion. I say run with it and see where it goes. Don't profess feelings that aren't there - that's leading her on. But just go out and have fun together. Who knows where this might lead.

 

One other thing - think about putting the two of you in a situation where she will feel really comfortable and open up. I had a series of dates once with this knockout stunning woman. She worked out 2 times a day and competed in figure competitions. I'd take her out to all sorts of trendy places. It was funny, I once saw a waiter walk into a wall gawking at her. But the conversation was always superficial. It became a real turn off. She was always game to go out with me whenever I wanted and very responsive on the phone and via text. It just didn't feel like we were clicking. If felt fake. I eventually broke it off. It wasn't until several months later that someone just made the same suggestion I made at the start of this post that it dawned on me. She was _not_ comfortable in all of these swanky places. She was probably far more comfortable going for a hike or a run and if I had put us in those situations things might have developed differently.

 

Damn she was hot... *kicks himself*

[deathandtaxes]

Damn she was hot... *kicks himself*

 

 

 

 

Sure, but she never opened up. So much for being hot!! It's not the end-all be-all....

 

 

OP - do you want to kiss her more? Do you want to bang her brains out? If not, pass. If you want to get romantic and physical, then there is some spark there, at least on the physical level. It's up to you to draw her out. But I would be really concerned that she's 31 and has ZERO dating experience.

[O_Boy]

OP - do you want to kiss her more? Do you want to bang her brains out? If not, pass.

 

Yes and yes. The first kiss was awkward since it was her first, but I have this desire to teach her more.

 

It's up to you to draw her out. But I would be really concerned that she's 31 and has ZERO dating experience.

 

I'm fine with that. I asked her about it and she said she is just really shy and was never in a position to be asked out, except by older creeps at her work. I'm a year older than her and my first date was a year and half ago and I waited for pretty much the same reasons, so I completely understand.

 

Gaeta: That's an excellent idea! I've already got two dates planned with her (a movie/arcade on Thursday and Transformers with some of my friends on Friday) but I can add it to the list of things to do. There's an amusement park near where I live with rides and stuff that I haven't been to since I was very little, that would be perfect.

 

Now that I type this out I realize that I want to go on these dates with her and I want to do these things she's talking about doing over summer, so I'll definitely stick with this for a while and see where it goes. I think there is something there, it just needs time to grow.

[Assasda]

I dont agree with, the bang her brains out crap.

 

You dont even know the girl yet. So you dont know if you want to bang her.

 

It Is YOUR job let her open up. She has to be comfortable around you, now if she's reluctant to open up, that maybe a diffrerent situation all together.

But you might want to ask her tough questions about herself, probing ones, and tell your views on things.

Basically bring out the heavy guns.

 

After that, if there is nothing really there. Move on

[MalachiX]

It's always tough when there's an experience gap as it can sometimes make it hard to tell if you aren't clicking or if it's just that she's not open enough. At least your not THAT much more experienced that she is.

 

A few years ago I dated a girl with ZERO dating experience. I was 28 and she was 25. She pursued me more than I her but I enjoyed conversation with her and found her attractive. I figured "what the hell?" We had fun together. After a few dates she told me that she had NEVER dated anyone (I discovered that had been her first kiss).

 

This was sorta out of left field. I was used to being the one in the relationship who hadn't dated much (as I hadn't started really dating until college and then got into a long term relationship that kinda swallowed up my early 20s). It was very odd to meet someone who had never done any of this stuff. I considered breaking things off but that seemed really unfair of me. After having been so insecure about my own limited number of relationships (which, at the time consisted of one serious LTR and a few quick flings); it seemed so out of line to dismiss someone who had less experience than me.

 

I kept seeing her because I enjoyed her company and thought this was worth exploring. The problem was that, deep down inside, I started to sense there was no "spark." Yes I liked talking to her and yes I fond her attractive but I wasn't "falling" for her. I think I sensed this early on but didn't want to admit it. I'd had such lousy dating experiences in that I think I just wanted to have someone to cook dinner for or go out to a movie with.

 

I thought, "so what if I'm not feeling love right now? Can't you just see someone (exclusively) who you have fun with and find attractive? Isn't that what adults do sometimes when they're tired of being single?"

 

The problem with this logic is that, given her lack of experience, it didn't work that way for her. She wasn't an "adult" in relationships. She had no idea what dating was like so everything felt very all or nothing. After a few months, I came to realize two things:

 

1.) I was NOT going to fall in love with this girl. I never felt really romantic around her (no matter how hard I wanted to). I never could just look into her eyes and gaze. I'd been in love before and this just wasn't it.

 

2.) She, having never dated, was looking for this to relationship to somehow justify those years of not dating. She wanted something that would have made "holding out" worth it. She never said this but I sensed it.

 

I thought back to the first girl I ever dated when I was in college. I liked her but I didn't expect it to be the best relationship of my life. I felt somewhat romantic towards her but also just enjoyed learning how to be in a relationship and having someone to spend time with (sex was nice too...) That had been my attitude in my first real relationship but it was not this girl's and I should have realized that.

 

Eventually I ended things but I should have done it much sooner.

 

I don't know how you really feel about this girl or how she feels about you. I think the "wait and see" approach works great on paper but not always so well in practice. Give it a few more dates but, if things still aren't clicking after that, I wouldn't try to push things further.

[O_Boy]

MalachiX: That's some good info, and I feel like this girl and I are in a similar situation to you and the girl you talked about were in. I'm worried about that because I do like her, and I do want to continue things, but I'm not feeling that "oh wow!" feeling that I felt the one time I was in love...and I'm worried that I might end up seeing her longer than I should because I enjoy having someone around and she doesn't have enough experience to know when it's not working.

 

I'll keep all this in mind. We have a couple more dates planned for this week so I'll see where things go after that.

[O_Boy]

Followup:

 

We went out on a date last night and have one more today (double date). As for the spark, it off and on came last night, but not much. I'm still on the fence. I'm not one of those "I need instant spark" type people, I firmly believe that the spark can develop and grow over time, but I'm still on the fence if there's enough there with her for it to develop.

 

Anyway, she dropped a bombshell on me last night: she wants to wait til marriage to have sex. I don't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone that needs it right away or I'm out, I want to wait until I'm in a committed long term relationship with someone I care about, however I do want it before I get married. I believe that sexual compatibility is something that's really important to know about before you get married. I believe that even stronger than I used to because my ex and I did have sex and we weren't compatible; I don't want to go thru that again.

 

I told her I'm not sure if it's a dealbreaker yet and I'd need to think about it, but no matter what I decide it's something I'd never pressure her on. I'm thinking tonight I'll bring it back up and tell her that I'm fine waiting until we're in a committed relationship but I still don't know about marriage, however in the meantime I do need physical intimacy. That's something I can't do without, even when we're just dating.

 

Thoughts?

[Elle1975]

So I need some further advice. I already posted about this girl, but for those who didn't read it here's the short version: I'm 32 and have very little dating experience. She's 31 and has zero. We met after being setup by a family member of mine.

 

I've gone out on 3 dates with her so far. The first one was dinner and it was veeeery awkward; lots of awkward silences and not knowing what to talk about. I chalk it up to her having never been on a date and being very shy / geeky, which I like. Second date went a lot smoother and we ended up in my car chatting for a while and eventually making out (her first kiss). Third date was this morning, a quick meetup for breakfast before I went to work. Forth date will be Thursday, a movie and arcade.

 

Here's the dilemma: I like her, but I'm not really feeling the spark. The thing is, I get the feeling that it has a lot to do with her not being able to open up just yet, and that we had an awkward start. I also am known to get inside my head too much and I think I'm focusing too much on the lack of spark on the first date and that in itself is getting in the way of me actually having one. I do like her and she likes me and I can certainly see things progressing, I'm just really worried about leading her on or hurting her if my feelings never grow.

 

Any advice?

 

That's what dating is for, to get to know the person. You're not leading her on, since you're going through the "process" of getting to know her.

 

If you had zero attraction, that'd be another story, but you say that you do like her, so it's all good.

 

First kiss at 31? Whoa

[Gaeta]

 

Anyway, she dropped a bombshell on me last night: she wants to wait til marriage to have sex. I don't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone that needs it right away or I'm out, I want to wait until I'm in a committed long term relationship with someone I care about, however I do want it before I get married. I believe that sexual compatibility is something that's really important to know about before you get married. I believe that even stronger than I used to because my ex and I did have sex and we weren't compatible; I don't want to go thru that again.

 

I agree 100%

 

I told her I'm not sure if it's a dealbreaker yet and I'd need to think about it, but no matter what I decide it's something I'd never pressure her on. I'm thinking tonight I'll bring it back up and tell her that I'm fine waiting until we're in a committed relationship but I still don't know about marriage, however in the meantime I do need physical intimacy. That's something I can't do without, even when we're just dating.

 

Thoughts?

 

No spark, different views on sexuality timeline and intimacy, it would be a no go for me.

[Elle1975]

Followup:

 

We went out on a date last night and have one more today (double date). As for the spark, it off and on came last night, but not much. I'm still on the fence. I'm not one of those "I need instant spark" type people, I firmly believe that the spark can develop and grow over time, but I'm still on the fence if there's enough there with her for it to develop.

 

Anyway, she dropped a bombshell on me last night: she wants to wait til marriage to have sex. I don't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone that needs it right away or I'm out, I want to wait until I'm in a committed long term relationship with someone I care about, however I do want it before I get married. I believe that sexual compatibility is something that's really important to know about before you get married. I believe that even stronger than I used to because my ex and I did have sex and we weren't compatible; I don't want to go thru that again.

 

I told her I'm not sure if it's a dealbreaker yet and I'd need to think about it, but no matter what I decide it's something I'd never pressure her on. I'm thinking tonight I'll bring it back up and tell her that I'm fine waiting until we're in a committed relationship but I still don't know about marriage, however in the meantime I do need physical intimacy. That's something I can't do without, even when we're just dating.

 

Thoughts?

 

I'm sorry, I missed the clarification.

 

It would be a deal breaker for me. Maybe she is best dating through a Christian website?

[O_Boy]

No spark, different views on sexuality timeline and intimacy, it would be a no go for me.

 

We disagree on the timeline, but I'm not sure if we disagree on the intimacy. I'd be fine with doing other things physically intimate but we need to do something if we're together long term. I asked her where her comfort level was and she said she didn't know. Like I said earlier, she has zero experience so I'm not surprised she has no idea where she'd draw the line. Would she stop at cuddling? Fingers? Oral? Who knows. I think we need to discuss this and see if we are on different pages here. If we are, then I think that's a sign that we're not sexually compatible and wouldn't be when/if we did start having sex.

[FitChick]

Stop talking and start kissing! Pick up a copy of the Kama Sutra.

 

She doesn't know what she is talking about and the thought of getting naked with a man terrifies her. Think of her as a wild horse you need to tame. Let her become accustomed to touching -- sit next to her, hold her hand, walk with your arm around her, etc. She will grow to like it and probably initiate. Do long hugs with quick kisses, then make them longer depending on how she responds. You have to be patient. Think of it this way -- you have the opportunity to break in a virgin and teach her to how to please you.

[Toothless]

"The Spark" that you are talking about is a biological response, its there or it isn't. Its purpose is to show you if you are compatible with that person and if you will create healthy offspring. That spark can get stronger if it is there, but if you have any doubts then it probably isn't right. If after this time you don't have any urge to, as deathandtaxes put it so eloquently, bang her brains out, that means something. She could be a lovely girl, but if you're not into her, you're not into her. I'm currently with someone that I really care about, but I have never felt a "spark" during our entire relationship. It never got better over the past two years and this is proving to be a colossal waste of time. Don't do what I'm doing, I think you should keep looking.

[Bruce Leigh]

I dont agree with, the bang her brains out crap.

 

You dont even know the girl yet. So you dont know if you want to bang her.

 

Ok, using the phrase " bang her brains " is a bit crude but surely the notion of sex must be somewhere in the minds of both people dating, otherwise what's the point in continuing to see each other?

[O_Boy]

I went on a double date with a friend of mine and his girlfriend today. Before we met my friend we discussed the "waiting for marriage" thing and I brought up that while I can wait, I do need something before marriage, and even before then I'd need something physical to happen if we were dating. Her response told me she would not have considered doing anything physical except kissing.

 

Then during the date my friend and his girlfriend were touching and playing and holding hands...and I realized I had no interest in doing that with the girl I was with. I even realized that I wasn't looking forward to the goodnight kiss. I made an excuse to go home early and am planning on telling her sometime tomorrow that we're looking for different things.

 

This kind of sucks for a few reasons, the main one being that she's a really nice girl and I do like her. Also, I've caught signs that she's starting to invest a lot into whatever we have even though it's only been 5 dates, and I don't want to hurt her (I know, I know, it would hurt more if I waited)

 

Thank you guys for the advice, it's been a big help.

[HappyLove]

I think you're being too critical of this whole situation. I mean it's not like you have the ladies falling at your feet anyway! There are plenty people on here who end up being involuntary celibate for 10 years because no one gives them the time of day. There's no guarantee that anybody else you meet will be dropping their pants for you. Then you're treating her like she has the plague all of a sudden because you realize you won't be getting any. You ending it will be great for her because she deserves better.

[O_Boy]

There was zero spark from the get go, I was on the fence the entire time and there were other red flags. It wasn't just because she wasn't willing to drop her pants. I'm pretty sure I documented all that already, but whatever, judge away.

[Leigh 87]

I think you're being too critical of this whole situation. I mean it's not like you have the ladies falling at your feet anyway! There are plenty people on here who end up being involuntary celibate for 10 years because no one gives them the time of day. There's no guarantee that anybody else you meet will be dropping their pants for you. Then you're treating her like she has the plague all of a sudden because you realize you won't be getting any. You ending it will be great for her because she deserves better.

 

 

 

Why should he settling for a woman he has zero spark with simply because he isnt a male model?

 

I am average looking yet I held out for a man who was crazy about me from the get go. We had fireworks. I pissed up wealthy, fine men because I wanted a spark.I big spark from dates one.

 

I could never stomach no spark. That is a friend. Not a lover......especially one you are to spend your life with.

[Gaeta]

I went on a double date with a friend of mine and his girlfriend today. Before we met my friend we discussed the "waiting for marriage" thing and I brought up that while I can wait, I do need something before marriage, and even before then I'd need something physical to happen if we were dating. Her response told me she would not have considered doing anything physical except kissing.

 

Then during the date my friend and his girlfriend were touching and playing and holding hands...and I realized I had no interest in doing that with the girl I was with. I even realized that I wasn't looking forward to the goodnight kiss. I made an excuse to go home early and am planning on telling her sometime tomorrow that we're looking for different things.

 

This kind of sucks for a few reasons, the main one being that she's a really nice girl and I do like her. Also, I've caught signs that she's starting to invest a lot into whatever we have even though it's only been 5 dates, and I don't want to hurt her (I know, I know, it would hurt more if I waited)

 

Thank you guys for the advice, it's been a big help.

 

Good job! You were able to identify early on that even though she is a great person she was not for you. This experience will allow you both to grow and to move toward something better.