Dating a Workaholic

[hopefullove]

I met a guy about 3 months ago, and we really hit it off really well, and actually we were both falling for each other fairly quickly. However he has a very demanding job - he is a lawyer who just started a practice with a partner and he tells me he is stressed out often and is always tired from work.

 

When we see each other - we hardly ever go out, he just wants to stay in and relax and most of the time he passes out.

 

Anyway - I've had some time to get over myself and my selfishness and what he wasn't doing for me, I wish things could be better but the reality is what it is. He is very polite and kind and a good man - a solid kind hearted and good man.

 

I was wondering for anyone else, what is it like dating an extremely stressed out and busy person? I've dated busy guys before but nothing like this. It was my birthday this week and yes he wished me a happy birthday but we were suppose to have a dinner together, one that he booked 2 weeks ago and one that he was really stressed out on making it perfect a month ago, but now, when I asked him if it was still on, i had to ask him twice before he would respond to me to tell me that he couldn't do it and we would have to reschedule.

 

The last week and the upcoming week, he is solo at work as his partner has left to get married. I've been told by my lawyer friend that if her boss were gone, she would be sleeping at the office and she wouldn't be able to manager without him. He told me he was underwater at work and about to have a mental breakdown so I am trying to be chill about it. But what is it like dating someone on edge with work like that in the early stages? Any advice? is this normal?

Edited June 15, 2014 by hopefullove

[michellew]

Falling for each other fairly quickly isn't always a good thing. I've learned from experience that people fall out of love just as quickly when the novelty wears off. Could this be the case here? I find it hard to believe he couldn't take just 2 hours of his busy schedule to take you to dinner on your birthday. Other than wishing you a happy birthday, did he buy you a gift or send you flowers to make up for the dinner cancellation?

 

You also say you hardly go out. Did you in the beginning? Is he too tired for sex or do you stay in and have sex before he passes out?

[hopefullove]

Yes - i had the same talk with him - about falling too quickly for someone, i said, you could quite as easily fall out of whatever it is when you fall too fast.

However, I have spoken to my lawyer friend and she told me when she is in a time crunch, she is stressed and has no time for anything. And he said this is the busiest time for his business as they do real estate law.

He hasn't done anything. I mean so far for the last 3 months he does wish me a good morning every day in text and a goodnight in text.

 

No - we hardly went out in the beginning too - the first few days were 8, 9PM til midnight, and he would drive me home. The first 4 dates we had, he would pass out on me. I made a stink about it and finally he did take me out to the art gallery and had a bite after and then I went home and he hung out with some out of town guests. I have to make a stink about something before he does it. I am used to being offered dates, but with him, he said i just need to remind him. Sometimes he would come over and we don't even do anything, we would watch TV and he would pass out. He's really stressed out.

[michellew]

Yes - i had the same talk with him - about falling too quickly for someone, i said, you could quite as easily fall out of whatever it is when you fall too fast.

However, I have spoken to my lawyer friend and she told me when she is in a time crunch, she is stressed and has no time for anything. And he said this is the busiest time for his business as they do real estate law.

He hasn't done anything. I mean so far for the last 3 months he does wish me a good morning every day in text and a goodnight in text.

 

No - we hardly went out in the beginning too - the first few days were 8, 9PM til midnight, and he would drive me home. The first 4 dates we had, he would pass out on me. I made a stink about it and finally he did take me out to the art gallery and had a bite after and then I went home and he hung out with some out of town guests. I have to make a stink about something before he does it. I am used to being offered dates, but with him, he said i just need to remind him. Sometimes he would come over and we don't even do anything, we would watch TV and he would pass out. He's really stressed out.

 

You didn't answer my other questions. What did he do for you on your birthday?

[hopefullove]

nothing! he just wished me happy birthday!

we were suppose to go out tomorrow but he said we will have to do something some other time. I said to him that I am not getting any younger and if he doesn't want to see me any more just tell me. I hadn't seen him in a week and a half at that point, and not having dinner tomorrow makes it 2 weeks.

 

He's not the most romantic guy, or thoughtful... he has bought me flowers before but he's doesnt come across as a guy who knows how to woo a girl. He hasn't wooed me. But my friends ask me if that is important, because other than that he seems like a decent man.

[michellew]

nothing! he just wished me happy birthday!

we were suppose to go out tomorrow but he said we will have to do something some other time. I said to him that I am not getting any younger and if he doesn't want to see me any more just tell me. I hadn't seen him in a week and a half at that point, and not having dinner tomorrow makes it 2 weeks.

 

He's not the most romantic guy, or thoughtful... he has bought me flowers before but he's doesnt come across as a guy who knows how to woo a girl. He hasn't wooed me. But my friends ask me if that is important, because other than that he seems like a decent man.

 

I don't think doing something for your birthday is a form of wooing, it's the thing to do when you serious about someone. From what I've read, it seems he's just not as into you as you are into him. No matter how busy you are, you should be able to take 1 or 2 hours out of two weeks to see someone! It sounds like he's using work as an excuse. If he's not, is this something you really want to go through for the rest of your relationship?

[hopefullove]

yes. I know what you are saying.

I will see if anything changes when his partner comes back into town from his vacation.

It's weird because a month ago he was so stressed out about having me feel special, he was saying nothing's worse than me not feeling special on my bday and wanted to know what my expectations were. Then 2 weeks ago he wanted to have everything planned out. Then we had a sort of a disagreement, not fight really, anyway I was telling him what i needed from him, which was more quality time... I wanted to be dated and he explained that he hears what I am saying but is unable to do that right now as he is underwater with work and on the verge of a mental breakdown and he's trying hard but it doesn't seem like i acknowledge it. Anyway his partner had not left by that point, but a few days later... maybe he didn't anticipate how bad work would be with his partner gone.

 

he still wishes me good morning and have a good day princess. When I say i miss him he does reply with "miss you too" but i am not sure if it is habit, or forced, or fake. I don't know. I am trying to cut him a break right now because he was working on the weekends before his partner left, and now there's only him, im not sure how much work he has.

 

I did give him an out tho - I said if he didnt want to see me anymore to let me know and he chose to say we would have to do something next week.

[Raena]

I've have two long term relationships with workaholics. It didn't work out with either of them. It's incredibly difficult to be in a relationship with someone who isn't there for you on a regular basis. Either you'll have to be ok with getting scraps of time with him while you live your own life or you'll have to cut your losses. 3 months in seems a little early to be ditching you on your birthday... boss gone or not. I myself know what it's like to have mountains of work piling up over your head that has to get done. It interferes with relationships and causes so much stress. If I were you, I'd cut my losses even if you think he's a great guy. If his lack of attention to you is bothering you now, so early on, then it's only going to get worse, not better. This is the life he chose... it doesn't have to be your destiny to be sitting around alone all the time while he's never there for you.

[cif]

You're not in a relationship. His partner found time for work, carry on a relationship and get married.

 

Sorry to say this guy is just offering up breadcrumbs to keep you on the hook. Where else would he find someone to put up with ZERO effort? Seriously he couldn't have his assistant send flowers?

 

Put your foot down, lay out your demands and if he falls short dump him.. Dont waste your time.

[torturedartist]

I met a guy about 3 months ago, and we really hit it off really well, and actually we were both falling for each other fairly quickly. However he has a very demanding job - he is a lawyer who just started a practice with a partner and he tells me he is stressed out often and is always tired from work.

 

When we see each other - we hardly ever go out, he just wants to stay in and relax and most of the time he passes out.

 

Anyway - I've had some time to get over myself and my selfishness and what he wasn't doing for me, I wish things could be better but the reality is what it is. He is very polite and kind and a good man - a solid kind hearted and good man.

 

I was wondering for anyone else, what is it like dating an extremely stressed out and busy person? I've dated busy guys before but nothing like this. It was my birthday this week and yes he wished me a happy birthday but we were suppose to have a dinner together, one that he booked 2 weeks ago and one that he was really stressed out on making it perfect a month ago, but now, when I asked him if it was still on, i had to ask him twice before he would respond to me to tell me that he couldn't do it and we would have to reschedule.

 

The last week and the upcoming week, he is solo at work as his partner has left to get married. I've been told by my lawyer friend that if her boss were gone, she would be sleeping at the office and she wouldn't be able to manager without him. He told me he was underwater at work and about to have a mental breakdown so I am trying to be chill about it. But what is it like dating someone on edge with work like that in the early stages? Any advice? is this normal?

 

This might sound simplistic, but what I'm hearing is a fundamental difference in the needs of two people in a relationship. So either one (or both) of you change, or you move on. There are no other alternatives. Because until he starts giving you more, or you start needing less, you're not going to be happy.

[nofeelings22]

I disagree with every other post. Nobody posting here has started a business, obviously.

 

Your lawyer friend is only a lawyer. The guy you are dating is doing the job of an entrepreneur AND a lawyer at the same time!

 

He has to live, breathe and sleep his business for a while. Probably a year or two. He just happens to have met you at this difficult time. If you see a future with him and want to have a financially stable life, stop worrying about it. Better yet, free up some of his time by pitching in if you have skills in marketing, advertising or scheduling.

 

It is very obvious no poster here so far has started a successful business.This is what it takes to do it, and it has to be his #1 priority right now. Girls come and go, even the most special ones. But... the business is the foundation of his life. If he blows it, you will be dating a poor guy and will probably break up with him because of that.

 

Let him do his thing. It'll be better for you too in the long run.

Edited June 15, 2014 by nofeelings22

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it's pretty clear he doesn't have time for a relationship right now. Only you can decide if you want to stick it out.

 

My former finace is a workaholic and entrepreneur, too. His demanding schedule and near-constant stress and exhaustion took a serious toll on the relationship. I wound up alone much of the time, and regularly took a back seat to the pressures of his career. Notice I say former finance.

[KatZee]

Honestly, I'd leave before you get any more invested.

 

It's not about you "getting over yourself" or "losing selfishness." You are ENTITLED to want, and you are DESERVING of a person who is going to put 100% into you and into a relationship.

 

Workaholics like this never make anything other than their job a priority. You are not a priority. If you were, he would make you one. His job will always come first, before you, before anniversaries, before birthdays, before holidays, before kids.

 

Is this how you want to live? Feeling second best to A JOB? No one ever goes to their grave thinking, "I wish I worked more." I feel sorry for this guy because a "job" is the be all and end all to his life. He's missing out on things right in front of his face. Unfortunately that's not your problem or something you can point out to him or get him to change.

 

You're always going to be begging for scraps he never gives you. You're always going to be lonely, resentful, and wishing you had someone who could take you out for dinner on a Thursday night at 6PM. Someone who will take off work to plan a surprise birthday for you.

 

Instead, this guy blew off your birthday and didn't even have the balls to be upfront about it. YOU had to chase HIM to find out if you even still had plans.

 

I get it. His job is so "super important." But people like this are not conducive to healthy, lasting, and happy relationships. You would be getting the shaft all the time. And it's really not fair to you. YOU'RE the one doing all the accommodating, YOU'RE the one who will always be compromising, YOU'RE the one who will always be getting let down, YOU'RE the one who will always be feeling the negative effects of this, and it's only going to snowball from here.

 

This is not a relationship. This is him going about his life, having his career and just filling up whatever free spaces he has with a woman who is so in love with him. He's got it made. He gives very little to you and you're so dedicated.

 

Workaholic relationships really aren't fulfilling ones at all. You'll never have the things that "normal" couples have.

 

You can do so much better than this.

 

And for reference, I've tried dating a few workaholics. It's never worth it. Now I steer clear. He very well may be a good person and a kind man. It doesn't change the fact that he's not relationship material in any way shape or form.

Edited June 15, 2014 by KatZee

[hopefullove]

wow thanks so much for your replies.

 

His Partner had a long distance relationship with a girl that he met on vacation, so not really a "real" relationship. Anyway - he went to go get married.

 

I disagree with every other post. Nobody posting here has started a business, obviously.

 

Your lawyer friend is only a lawyer. The guy you are dating is doing the job of an entrepreneur AND a lawyer at the same time!

 

He has to live, breathe and sleep his business for a while. Probably a year or two. He just happens to have met you at this difficult time. If you see a future with him and want to have a financially stable life, stop worrying about it. Better yet, free up some of his time by pitching in if you have skills in marketing, advertising or scheduling.

 

It is very obvious no poster here so far has started a successful business.This is what it takes to do it, and it has to be his #1 priority right now. Girls come and go, even the most special ones. But... the business is the foundation of his life. If he blows it, you will be dating a poor guy and will probably break up with him because of that.

 

Let him do his thing. It'll be better for you too in the long run.

 

Yes - this stood out. He has said to be before that everything takes up so much time, not just the mentally draining part of lawyering, but also the day to day tasks of admin stuff of running a business and he started 9 months ago and this is his busiest time right now.

 

He was in a 6 year relationship before we met, and they broke up because he wanted kids and she didnt... and I can see why she wouldn't want kids with him if this is what she would get as a father. However, I don't know what she is like, if she could have a 6 year relationship with him, with him never being there in law school, and then working for one of the biggest law firms in the country. He left when this opportunity came up with his friend. But he says they still want him back...

 

You're always going to be begging for scraps he never gives you. You're always going to be lonely, resentful, and wishing you had someone who could take you out for dinner on a Thursday night at 6PM. Someone who will take off work to plan a surprise birthday for you.

Yeah - for a while I was just begging and begging just to see the light of day. I'm not sure - it seems like he wants to do things to make me happy but he just can't right now. We did have a talk and he said we would have to negotiate but he is committed to us being happy but we both have responsibilities and things need to balance out.

 

Yeah I feel alone a lot.

And when he is free he just wants to relax and be away from people where as I have been alone for so long I just want to go out, put on a dress and go somewhere.

 

le sigh.

[nofeelings22]

 

 

Yes - this stood out. He has said to be before that everything takes up so much time, not just the mentally draining part of lawyering, but also the day to day tasks of admin stuff of running a business and he started 9 months ago and this is his busiest time right now.

 

He was in a 6 year relationship before we met, and they broke up because he wanted kids and she didnt... and I can see why she wouldn't want kids with him if this is what she would get as a father. However, I don't know what she is like, if she could have a 6 year relationship with him, with him never being there in law school, and then working for one of the biggest law firms in the country. He left when this opportunity came up with his friend. But he says they still want him back...

 

 

.

 

When the partner gets back, it is time for your man to negotiate a little bit of time off to dedicate to you. See if he can take you out make sure he knows you are serious and demand to spend some quality, no phone time with him.

 

If he is just in a temporary spot ( it could last a couple years), he will go to his partner and find the time off you are asking for.

 

If he is more into work than you, he will not do it.

 

A good test.

 

This is the kind of guy everyone wants. If she bails, he will have a new girl in 2 days. You don't dump people in their most difficult moment.

 

This guy is a winner.

 

This is why women are so unhappy all the time. You can't have two diametrically opposed things at the same time. These kinds of completing logic situations go on constantly in women's minds and is the root of all female angst and unhappiness. As the old song said.... you want one man made of Hercules and Cyrano.

Edited June 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Lots of lawyers are solos & thousands more manage to balance work & practice.

 

When dating a lawyer you have to understand something: work will always come 1st. It's not a career. It's a calling. 100 hour weeks are not uncomommon & it's a really stresful profession with one of the highest rates of depression in the world.

 

Your new guy needs some time managment techniques or better staffing.

 

A lot of things can be done just as effectively away from the office with the right tools

 

Another thing about lawyers, they are driven to go after what they want & win. If your guy was into you, he's chase you with that same passion. You are only getting half of him here because you aren't demanding more.

[hopefullove]

I dont think they are saying he is a bad catch - maybe just not the right guy for me because everyone has different needs. I mean he made it work with some girl for 6 years... maybe she didn't require much attention. Not everything is about money. Someone who doesn't make a lot of money, but is attentive and thoughtful, considerate, selfless and kind are all good qualities, and that doesn't make them a loser.

 

I do need a talk with him though. Because I do have a problem of him saying things and not following through. To me that is breaking a promise or almost lying and I am not sure which one it is. Because he says a lot of things that sound promising but never does them, and when I bring it up, he said i just need to remind him.

 

You don't dump people in their most difficult moment.

I could not do that because I do care for him.

But i am quite disappointed.

I just don't know the mindset of a man who is so overworked and stressed out. That I just don't exist anymore. He still does send me good morning texts but that's it.

 

I am used to men chasing me, and wooing me, so I had a big problem with this guy, but he's not like other guys, at the same time. He is very real, and polite, and has good character... albeit romantically inept. I don't know.. you are right this is a "TEST" to see what he will do when his partner gets back and has some time and see if he forgets me then.

[KatZee]

I HIGHLY doubt he kept a girl interested for SIX YEARS by barely seeing her, blowing her off, being flaky, calling off her birthday plans and by being a generally lazy and disinterested partner.

 

Guys WILL put in the effort for women they really love and who they really want to be with. This guy is putting ZERO effort into you. Not even a little effort. He can't even take you out on your birthday!

 

Keeping him company on the couch while he passes out ISN'T a relationship.

[hopefullove]

yup. i actually do think some people dont need a lot of attention. not everyone is built the same. i dont think he woos. he's really different from any other guy i've ever met. i didnt say he doesnt do anything, you are judging too quickly. i cant write out all the details of the relationship. he makes an effort in his way, but he is a good man.

[hopefullove]

i dated a guy who would make breakfast for me every morning and carve out I LOVE YOU out of mangos, buy me flowers ever anniversary, and wake up early and grocery shop and make breakfast before i woke up for example. and he turned out to be an ******* because that wasn't him.

 

i highly doubt this guy wants to pass out but is just so exhausted from his job, yet still wants to see me, that he comes over, passes out, sees me, and leaves.. i have brought it to his attention that i want dates and he said he is committed to us being happy. anyway i will see what the situation is like when his partner is back.

[Els]

I think the term 'workaholic' gets thrown around too much. That refers to someone who is literally addicted to working and just stays at work all the time regardless of whether he needs to or not. In the case of your guy, it sounds like all the time he spends at work is actually needed, otherwise his business would crumble, so I wouldn't necessarily call him a workaholic.

 

That being said, it doesn't mean that you just have to put up with it, especially given the fact that it's only been 3 months, and not many dates at all. My SO, a resident doctor, works 60-80 hour weeks. We've been together for almost 6 years - he has never forgotten to celebrate my birthday, and we go out on dates most weeks. Sure I have to make some sacrifices, but for the most part my needs are fulfilled and I am happy.

 

I'm not saying this to brag, but to point out - you don't necessarily need to accept this due to his hours, and it's not selfish for you to want more. As busy as someone may be, IMO if they do care about you, they'll still try to spend time with you and celebrate occasions that you care about. So there may be more to this than just his job. And even if it is just his job, then perhaps this guy isn't the right one for you, as he is not capable of juggling a heavy workload with a relationship.

[RachR]

Just started his practice? I'm betting he will be like this for years. Is this what you want to sign up for?

 

He couldn't take you out even just once a month? Hard to fathom he can't make time to go out at all.

 

It sounds more like he's not in a good time in his life to seriously date.

[cif]

I disagree with every other post. Nobody posting here has started a business, obviously.

 

Your lawyer friend is only a lawyer. The guy you are dating is doing the job of an entrepreneur AND a lawyer at the same time!

 

He has to live, breathe and sleep his business for a while. Probably a year or two. He just happens to have met you at this difficult time. If you see a future with him and want to have a financially stable life, stop worrying about it. Better yet, free up some of his time by pitching in if you have skills in marketing, advertising or scheduling.

 

It is very obvious no poster here so far has started a successful business.This is what it takes to do it, and it has to be his #1 priority right now. Girls come and go, even the most special ones. But... the business is the foundation of his life. If he blows it, you will be dating a poor guy and will probably break up with him because of that.

 

Let him do his thing. It'll be better for you too in the long run.

 

I own my own business and so does my SO. Not sure where you get your info from but owners or startups never rest. There are moments of less work but for the most part it's nonstop.

 

The OP is struggling with this and if this lawyer will be successful his workload will increase not decrease.

[Els]

I disagree with every other post. Nobody posting here has started a business, obviously.

 

Your lawyer friend is only a lawyer. The guy you are dating is doing the job of an entrepreneur AND a lawyer at the same time!

 

He has to live, breathe and sleep his business for a while. Probably a year or two. He just happens to have met you at this difficult time. If you see a future with him and want to have a financially stable life, stop worrying about it. Better yet, free up some of his time by pitching in if you have skills in marketing, advertising or scheduling.

 

It is very obvious no poster here so far has started a successful business.This is what it takes to do it, and it has to be his #1 priority right now. Girls come and go, even the most special ones. But... the business is the foundation of his life. If he blows it, you will be dating a poor guy and will probably break up with him because of that.

 

Let him do his thing. It'll be better for you too in the long run.

 

Nobody is saying that the guy should drop everything to come running after her. Obviously he has to prioritize his own livelihood.

 

That doesn't mean that the OP has to put her own relationship needs aside just to support him either, especially when they've only been (sort of) together for 3 months. What you are advocating is that she sacrifice all her needs so he can fulfill all of his. That may be viable (if the sacrifice were indeed temporary) for a long-term couple where the partner receiving the sacrifice has proved that they are worthy of it and have invested in the R themselves, but not for a new relationship. And suggesting that she work for free for the business of her 3-month-boyfriend is TERRIBLE advice!

Edited June 16, 2014 by Elswyth

[joystickd]

Move on to someone else. You both are in two different places right now. Oh I wonder will I get the monologue from.....about my response....

Edited June 16, 2014 by joystickd