Probs with Girlfriend

[teap0t]

Hello, I'm new to the forum, and I have a problem with my gf.

 

I'm 59, she is 63 but we both look young for our age !!! Anyway, we've been going out for 3 years, we are both divorced.

 

She has said she doesn't want to live with me in my flat because "it isn't hers" and "she doesn't like the feel of it" [it has no kitchen unlike hers and it isn't so close to her family and friends but is bigger than her flat].

 

Recently, she has started going out more with her friends. Our relationship has changed, I suppose they all do as they go along, but going out more with her friends is a problem. I thought I would stay with her, and we saw each other a lot so much that everybody seemed to see us as staying together. Until recently, I have thought that I wish I had met this woman 30 years ago, my life would have been so different.

 

This Saturday she is going to a 40th birthday party with these girlfriends, but it is local to her and one of her friends [the main one] has put on facebook that everybody who knows this guy is welcome bring along a friend.

 

She is also going out with the girls on Sunday, which she does a couple of times a month. Previously in the past, we both used to go and didn't go too often either.

 

This cooling off is bothering me, it seems we are more distant and I don't know what to do or say without looking immature and desperate.

[d0nnivain]

Is getting a different flat together an option?

[Gaeta]

I am reading 2 different issues here.

 

1. Living arrangements

 

2. She is distancing herself.

 

What I am understanding of your situation is that before your gf would bring you along to her social gatherings but she does not any longer. The next gathering has an open invitation for friends and bf/gf and she is not bringing you. About you ask her why?

[Sunfire73]

Maybe she misses her friends and would like to spend more time with them. I can relate. I used to hangout with my girlfriends a lot before I met bf. Now, I spend a lot more time with bf. I miss my friends sometimes, but we still hangout once in a while. I could no longer hangout with them on the same day's notice. As to not bringing bf to events, maybe she just want to enjoy being with her friends without having to make you feel uncomfortable. If you are friends with her friends' SO's maybe that shouldn't be a problem. But if you're the type of person, that she has to stay with during the parties all the time, then that maybe why she doesn't bring you. I always bring my bf to parties, but he's not close to my friends' bf's yet. So sometimes he lets me go alone and tells me to have fun and enjoy being with my friends, as he would just get bored.

[clia]

How often are you seeing each other?

 

I really can't blame her for not wanting to live in a place without a kitchen. I second the idea of you two getting a place together.

[teap0t]

I have met some of her friends so know them slightly, because she hasn't gone out with them much until lately.

 

The party on Saturday may well be just girlies essentially among her and girlie friends, but ivejust got her word for that.

 

She has lived with a bloke before and when they split up had to move out as it was his and had nothing and doesn't want the same thing to happen again. I've told her I want to stay with her and im me not the other bloke and I want her to trust me. My flat is mine and the best option unless I sell and move which is an option I've considered anyway.

[teap0t]

How often are you seeing each other?

 

I really can't blame her for not wanting to live in a place without a kitchen. I second the idea of you two getting a place together.

 

I spend about 4nights a week at hers. Its really a nagging feeling she is distancing herself and the recent happenings are amplifying tbus feeling although she still seems as committed as ever.

[Gaeta]

I have met some of her friends so know them slightly, because she hasn't gone out with them much until lately.

 

The party on Saturday may well be just girlies essentially among her and girlie friends, but ivejust got her word for that.

 

She has lived with a bloke before and when they split up had to move out as it was his and had nothing and doesn't want the same thing to happen again. I've told her I want to stay with her and im me not the other bloke and I want her to trust me. My flat is mine and the best option unless I sell and move which is an option I've considered anyway.

 

Don't sell your asset to go live with a woman, rent it out. Especially it's not a marriage and you feel the relationship isn't what it used to be.

[angel.eyes]

I spend about 4nights a week at hers. Its really a nagging feeling she is distancing herself and the recent happenings are amplifying tbus feeling although she still seems as committed as ever.

 

Trust your intuition. It's generally right, so don't dismiss or excuse away what you sense is happening. After three years, I think it's okay to voice the concerns you've raised here. For things to work, you have to nip any distancing in the relationship early on.

 

There are probably much better ways to do this, but I tend to wait until we're relaxing with a glass of wine on the couch. Focus on how you feel rather than saying something that might seem accusatory or critical or might put your partner on the defensive. For example: Lately, I feel a distance growing between us. How do you see things? Then go silent and see where she takes the conversation. Listen. Seek clarity if she says something that isn't entirely clear to you. Don't argue. Don't interrupt. Don't take over the conversation once you start it. Your goal is to get her to feel comfortable sharing how she feels about the relationship and ultimately you. Staying relatively quiet once you've opened the discussion and letting her do most of the talking will help to get you there.

 

As for housing, that's a moot point until you've ascertained that your relationship is rock solid. Then figure things out as a couple. Finding someplace new together, would get my vote.

[pteromom]

Do you think she may like things the way they are, and not want to share a home? So since you are bringing up her moving in, she's just pulling away?

 

It's hard to say what is going on in her head. But you guys aren't 20 year olds. You should be able to just flat out ask her what is going on, and she should be able to tell you.

[teap0t]

If I sell my flat I would buy another one for myself but nearer her part if the city and would suit me more, the current one was handy when I divorced but im settled now.

 

im thinking of saying something like I feel you don't wantto be with me so much lately what is wrong, then letting her talk .

[pteromom]

im thinking of saying something like I feel you don't wantto be with me so much lately what is wrong, then letting her talk .

 

I would phrase it differently.

 

What you are saying puts her in a position where she has to defend herself against the accusation. "WHAT? Yes, I want to be with you! Just because I go out with my friends doesn't mean I don't want to be with you!"

 

Instead, focus on how you are feeling.

 

"I notice we aren't spending as much time together, and I am feeling kinda insecure about it. Is everything ok with us?"

 

Then her instinctual response is to answer in a way to make you feel better and help solve the problem.

 

See the difference?

[preraph]

I'm in your age group. I'm female. And I'm just telling you there is no need to panic. Number one she is old enough that she isn't going to be hit on by men when she goes out most likely. I know I never am! So do NOT worry about that. Because that will not be happening.

 

Two, she is lucky to have you and you her because it's hard to date at our ages. So don't spoil it by being jealous of her time with her friends too. Women have very close psychological relationships with their girlfriends. It's not like guys (well a lot of guys) who hang but don't really get too personal. They are like confidants and family and we enjoy our girl time very much and we need it. Think of it this way: If she's chattering to her friends often enough she might not feel the need to yammer at you every time you walk in the door! Girlfriends are a great outlet for the minutae of our lives and don't so much mind if you're talking about how annoying it was to not find our shoe size, etc., or how hard it was to catch the cat this morning.

 

So do not deny her her girl time.

 

And lastly, about the home. I know as I've gotten older, I cleave to my home and my belongings. It is very hard for me to imagine sharing my home with someone, if only because I have all the furniture just the way I want it and don't want someone dropping a Barcolounger in there and ruining the ambience. Our homes are us. You probably both want to stay in yours for the same reason. So unless you can be frank with each other and mentally plan out a way to mix your furniture and belongings where everyone is happy in a third flat you both agree on, then just don't move in together! The romance will be stronger that way anyway, as long as you don't monitor her every outing with her friends.

 

The older you get, the harder it is to change and the more stuff you have and the more attached you are to it. Fact of life.

[teap0t]

Sorry for any confusion but when I say I have no kitchen I mean I have a small kitchen with no room for a table etc while at hers she has a proper kitchen. Her flat is smaller than mine though, rented, and I have a spare room thatcouldbe used as a dining room

[teap0t]

I would phrase it differently.

 

What you are saying puts her in a position where she has to defend herself against the accusation. "WHAT? Yes, I want to be with you! Just because I go out with my friends doesn't mean I don't want to be with you!"

 

Instead, focus on how you are feeling.

 

"I notice we aren't spending as much time together, and I am feeling kinda insecure about it. Is everything ok with us?"

 

Then her instinctual response is to answer in a way to make you feel better and help solve the problem.

 

See the difference?

 

That is undoubtedly what she would say

[angel.eyes]

Agree with pteromom. The goal is to avoid accusing her or criticizing her behavior. Initiate the conversation by focusing on how you feel, and let her respond.

[teap0t]

thanks to everybody for the replies, so far.

 

For the moment, she is not seeing the girls tomorrow now, she is seeing me, more due to a misunderstanding than anything, but I took the chance to say "well I like going out too remember blah blah....." and I think by the brief exchange of comments that she understood my point without having to resort to sitting down and bringing it out so bluntly. So we'll see.

 

I've stumbled across this site by accident, and think I will stick around for a while. Hopefully I can give a few people good advice too. Hopefully !!!!

[angel.eyes]

Great! Glad things sorted themselves out. Look forward to reading your advice to others.

[teap0t]

3 months down the line. To cut a long[er] story short, soon afterwards we stumbled into getting a bit out in the open - without arguing although we nearly finished - and I told her that lately I had felt we were more distant than we used to be and for all the time until a few months ago that I hadn't ever wanted absolutely anybody else and I had always meant that when I had said it to her. This along with the fact that her main mate who had been enticing her away also drew away a bit [she is that type, she has found another few friends with money which is how she seems to have gone through her life as a 72 year old going on 21] - seemed to have the desired effect so we have been more like we used to . She was initially upset too but in a good way she realised that what I had said was probably true so the last few months have been better.

 

But - they don't seem quite the same. I don't know why. I have a nagging feeling that if she can distance herself once and change the dynamics then she could do it again, so I've totally gone off the thought I had that I might want to get married to her, which obviously I haven't told her.

 

She was out with the girls last night, and I am going out with my mate tonight, we aren't in each others pockets I'll be with her again on wednesday but there are still little things which crop up that nag away at me. I don't know what to do, my mate says do nothing.

[teap0t]

a few months further again......I still spend a lot of time with her. But I never get the feeling that I come first, or she wants to be with me. On Friday we were going to go out in the afternoon but her daughter phoned and asked if she could baby sit so she could go out with her husband, drinking etc. She said yes. They were supposed to come back at tea time, they asked if they could stay out a bit later, she agreed. We ended up staying at her daughters until 10pm, her daughter and husband came in about 7 so they continued drinking but I had the car. So I ended up at her daughters for 6 hours.

 

Last night I was at her place. Tonight she has been out with the girls for someones birthday, but on facebook her potty friend [who never spends time with her partner] has posted photos on facebook of herself, my gf and others posing for photos with other blokes. Why do they do this ?

 

If I went out and did this with other women, my gf would not be pleased at all.

 

Her daughter and her husband have been making jokes lately about us getting married etc, and [with drink] asked her the other night - if she loved me. She said "I've been with him for over 3 years haven't I". Her daughter lectured her about how great a bloke I am and how she is daft for not seeing it sort of thing.

 

I'm fed up. I know she cares about me, but I'm thinking it is the end of the road. For the first few years we went out I thought she was the loveliest woman in the world, and she was happy with me too. Happier than now anyway.

 

I'm seriously wondering now how life would be without her. It would be OK of course, I've been there before like most of us and you get used to it.

Edited November 16, 2014 by teap0t

[teap0t]

is it really a year since I posted this ....

 

Not much has changed.

[umirano]

Have you ever talked to her about this? If yes, what did she say? If you are not addressing the issue nothing will ever change. Frankly I think you should find someone who makes you happy, and be single until then. A whole year of feeling like this?

[clia]

You see her four times a week (assuming that's still true), which is a pretty good frequency to see someone you are dating. However, after four years, you haven't had much forward progress. I'm not clear on if you are trying to move the relationship forward and she's resisting or you have gotten comfortable and are just going with the flow.

 

What do you want out of this relationship? Do you want to get married, just move in together, or are you happy living separately? Have you two ever discussed marriage or your future together?