Am I being too demanding?

[passion_flower]

My boyfriend and I only see each other twice a week, if that.

 

I work or am at college every week day whilst he only has one commitment at the moment - to go to a social group once a week. Oh and he sees his mum and dad once a week. Apart from that he is mostly at his flat listening to music on his own (he has no social life to speak of other than the social group he goes to)

 

He stayed over Thursday night. He wanted to come up Sunday as there is a car boot near me we've been going to the past couple of weeks and wanted to go with me. When I asked him if he was going to stay over Saturday night he just goes I don't know when I asked him why he just goes I haven't thought about it yet. What the hell there is to think about I don't know, but anyway..

 

I texted him yesterday lunch time at work to say I didn't want to go to the car boot on Sunday (I find it boring going every week) that it was up to him if he comes up on the weekend, I didn't know why he didn't want to stay over and most girls I know see their boyfriends about 4 times a week.

 

He didn't text me till this morning (he always has been crap at replying to texts) saying he's not coming up this weekend and asked if I've seen any friends lately as that will give me something else to focus on to which I replied "Yes, thats how I know most of them see their bf's around 4 times a week. I know you like time on your own... but as if you don't spend enough time on your own, you're not even working yet. I'm just confused when you ask me to move in, yet you don't even see me that much? Staying over once a week is not a lot or is that because we don't have sex yet" (I've posted on here about this, it hurts basically and I'm awaiting an appointment to see a psycho-sexual counsellor) I text 5 minutes later saying "I don't think you were serious about it really were you?"

 

That was 45 minutes ago and he still hasn't replied. I know he's sat at home listening to music on his computer as I can tell from his last.fm.

 

Maybe this is compounded by the fact that it looks like he's just got a job in a shop where he'll have to work every Sunday, so that's one less day I have off I'll get to see him.

 

Am I being unreasonable?

[Eternal Sunshine]

He seems not to be that into a relationship to be honest. I am someone that loves a lot of alone time but when I am really into a guy that quickly changes.

 

How long have you been together?

[passion_flower]

He seems not to be that into a relationship to be honest. I am someone that loves a lot of alone time but when I am really into a guy that quickly changes.

 

How long have you been together?

 

I am wondering this too. I like alone time too but my mum always asks me when are you seeing your boyfriend again when I say in four days she makes a face like it's not enough. She said she saw dad most nights when they were courting but I'd be happy with him staying over 2 or 3 times a week. Once a week staying over with no good reason is not enough.

 

We've been together 8 months now, I went to Australia in November and he was emailing me saying he misses me and we'd be seeing a lot more of each other afterwards. He also says he misses me when we don't see each other yet there doesn't seem to be any reason why he can't see me more so it's beginning to feel like empty words. He only lives 2 miles away and he knows I am always willing to drive him here and back.

 

Anyway he just texted me back saying if he was working, he'd still want to see me as much. If I moved in we could still do our own things but there'd be other things he'd find difficult and that he is hurt by the suggestion that I said it was to do with sex . He thought I was insecure about not being able to do it as if it were a major impact on the relationship and sex isn't an expectation for him. Oh and he's insinuating that I'm using him for sex as I want him to stay over more than just in the day? He likes going out and doing things with me and the last sentence was "I was serious before, but I presume by your reaction it wasn't helpful?" which I'm not sure what he means.

 

I just texted back "What other things would you find difficult? Yes I like going out and doing things with you but I like the imtimacy at night time aswell even without the sex - that is a major part of being in a relationship. I don't think I'm being too unreasonable. You don't seem to want to stay over more than once a week lately, I don't know why which makes me wonder if you're not that bothered about that side. I'd understand if there was a good reason. I don't know what you mean with the last sentence."

 

Then I texted "It's not as if I'm turning down doing things with you in the day and want you only to stay over at night. I don't know where you got that idea from. Other people say it sounds like you're not into the relationship which hurts me. You seem to say the right things sometimes but your actions don't always match up."

[Gaeta]

That is not much of a relationship if you ask me. What kind of satisfaction do you get out of this?

 

He acts uninterested.

He doesn't reply your communication on same day

He needs to think about 'spending the night'

He suggests you spend more time with friends to get off his back

 

I don't know what that is but that's not a boyfriend. I think this relationship has run its course and there is nothing else you can squeeze out of it.

 

That is what dating is about. You explore each other to see if you are compatible, have the same values, same wants and needs in a relationship. This one would be a no go in my book. You can find a much better boyfriend, one that cares and actually wants to spend time with you and is looking forward to it.

[passion_flower]

That is not much of a relationship if you ask me. What kind of satisfaction do you get out of this?

 

He acts uninterested.

He doesn't reply your communication on same day

He needs to think about 'spending the night'

He suggests you spend more time with friends to get off his back

 

I don't know what that is but that's not a boyfriend. I think this relationship has run its course and there is nothing else you can squeeze out of it.

 

That is what dating is about. You explore each other to see if you are compatible, have the same values, same wants and needs in a relationship. This one would be a no go in my book. You can find a much better boyfriend, one that cares and actually wants to spend time with you and is looking forward to it.

 

He doesn't act uninterested when he's with me, he's very affectionate. He's not a big texter nor does he ring me that much but he texts me he misses me and loves me yet his actions say otherwise?

 

The communication thing I've gotten used to. I think he's worried about coming across as too available which is why he takes ages to text me back (deliberately imo) He prides himself on being independent, maybe too much. He still hasn't texted me back since I sent the last texts 2 hours ago and I know he's still sitting at his computer listening to music.

 

He is a person that has to mull everything over but I didn't get the having to think about why he'd have to spend the night at mine until he text me that he thinks I might be using him for sex which I don't know how he's come to that conclusion at all, I think maybe he's retaliating because he thought that's what I accused him of and is now accusing me. I don't know.

 

The whole friend thing pissed me off. That has nothing to do with how much I think we should be seeing each other in a relationship. Saturday night's are usually nights you spend with your loved one right? I see my friends in the evening after work or after college when I want to.

 

This is my first proper relationship which is why I'm asking others opinions if I'm being too demanding. He has been in a long distance relationship before for 2 months but that ended because the girl was asexual and I think he couldn't be bothered travelling to Wales to see her.

[Treasa]

Drop this guy.

[Gaeta]

He doesn't act uninterested when he's with me, he's very affectionate. He's not a big texter nor does he ring me that much but he texts me he misses me and loves me yet his actions say otherwise?

but you only see each other 1-2 times a week. In that case he should be interested and attentive in between dates as well. That's how gf and bf do things when they don't see each other much.

 

The communication thing I've gotten used to. I think he's worried about coming across as too available which is why he takes ages to text me back (deliberately imo) He prides himself on being independent, maybe too much. He still hasn't texted me back since I sent the last texts 2 hours ago and I know he's still sitting at his computer listening to music.

This is ridiculous, you've been dating for 8 months, there is no more ' appearing too available `. Ask him why it takes him so long to get back to you on text. Don't assume it's because he wants to appear independent. Also not replying to you at all for a day and getting back to you the following day is disrespectful. He has seen your text on his phone and he chose to ignore it, knowing you are waiting for a reply. A caring boyfriend would do that?

 

He is a person that has to mull everything over but I didn't get the having to think about why he'd have to spend the night at mine until he text me that he thinks I might be using him for sex which I don't know how he's come to that conclusion at all, I think maybe he's retaliating because he thought that's what I accused him of and is now accusing me. I don't know.

I think your guy is not interested in sex with you as much as he used to. Actually he can do without it. When the sex is absent in a relationship it indicates something is wrong. His comment about you only want sex is typical of someone not interested in sex anymore.

 

The whole friend thing pissed me off. That has nothing to do with how much I think we should be seeing each other in a relationship. Saturday night's are usually nights you spend with your loved one right? I see my friends in the evening after work or after college when I want to.

I agree, it was cheap of him.

 

This is my first proper relationship which is why I'm asking others opinions if I'm being too demanding. He has been in a long distance relationship before for 2 months but that ended because the girl was asexual and I think he couldn't be bothered travelling to Wales to see her.

To me this is not a proper relationship. No you are not too demanding. You want a normal relationship and frankly it's unclear what he wants. 8 months dating it's time you ask him what he wants out of this. If I were you I would be done with this. This is nowhere near being a healthy relationship.

[waiting4u]

If he's really interested, he won't be able to get enough of you. I know it hurts when a guy isn't that into you, but honestly there's little you can do to change it.

 

I mean, you might try pulling back - ignore him for a while and give him something to chase - He might decide he doesn't like being without you entirely.

 

But he might not, and you'll save yourself some heartache if you accept it at that point.

[passion_flower]

but you only see each other 1-2 times a week. In that case he should be interested and attentive in between dates as well. That's how gf and bf do things when they don't see each other much.

 

This is ridiculous, you've been dating for 8 months, there is no more ' appearing too available `. Ask him why it takes him so long to get back to you on text. Don't assume it's because he wants to appear independent. Also not replying to you at all for a day and getting back to you the following day is disrespectful. He has seen your text on his phone and he chose to ignore it, knowing you are waiting for a reply. A caring boyfriend would do that?

 

I think your guy is not interested in sex with you as much as he used to. Actually he can do without it. When the sex is absent in a relationship it indicates something is wrong. His comment about you only want sex is typical of someone not interested in sex anymore.

 

I agree, it was cheap of him.

 

To me this is not a proper relationship. No you are not too demanding. You want a normal relationship and frankly it's unclear what he wants. 8 months dating it's time you ask him what he wants out of this. If I were you I would be done with this. This is nowhere near being a healthy relationship.

 

I agree with the majority of this post apart from the sex thing.

 

He's never really had sex at all apart from the attempts with me but I found it too difficult because I'm very tight down there. We would have sex otherwise as we both desire it but for now we make do in others ways and I know he's understanding of me not being able to do it which is one of the reasons I'm finding it difficult to end the relationship because there's not many guys out there who would be as understanding about this I don't think.

 

And he's just text me we both have different needs with regards to how often we see each other, he doesn't understand why I turn away from him in bed (it's only because I sleep better on my left side) and to basically not listen to others because "what we have is more than they can see" which is a lyric to one of his favourite songs.

[Gaeta]

I agree with the majority of this post apart from the sex thing.

 

He's never really had sex at all apart from the attempts with me but I found it too difficult because I'm very tight down there. We would have sex otherwise as we both desire it but for now we make do in others ways and I know he's understanding of me not being able to do it which is one of the reasons I'm finding it difficult to end the relationship because there's not many guys out there who would be as understanding about this I don't think.

 

And he's just text me we both have different needs with regards to how often we see each other, he doesn't understand why I turn away from him in bed (it's only because I sleep better on my left side) and to basically not listen to others because "what we have is more than they can see" which is a lyric to one of his favourite songs.

Don't let someone treat you poorly because you think no one else would want to be with you. Any man that is into you will care. I am glad you are seeing a doctor about this, hopefully something will help your situation.

 

Indeed you both have different needs with regards of visitations. Is he willing to meet you half way? If not then you are incompatible and you won't make it long term.

 

He doesn't understand why you turn away from him in bed? lol, how old is this precious man? 12?.

 

He is right in the fact you should not compare your relationship to others, but you should ask yourself the right questions: 1. Is this meeting my wants and needs 2. Do I feel valued in this relationship.

 

You, him, like the rest of us, have basic needs to be met in a relationship to feel happy and loved. Your boyfriend has to recognize them and be willing to come half way. That's called compromising.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's just not into it as much as you are. No, you'e not being too demanding. There doesn't appear to be much of a relationship left at this point, OP.

 

When there are so many cracks at just 8 months, it's a fairly strong indicator that the two of you are mismatched unless and until there are some dramatic changes. It doesn't sound like he's interested in changing anything right now...

[passion_flower]

I don't know, I'm just so confused. I haven't heard from him in nearly 4 hours now since the last text. I do love him and I do think he loves me in his own way but if we can't come to a compromise then there's no where else for us to go. It's so hard letting go.

 

I hate feeling like I'm being clingy, I am usually the one who feels smothered by guys texting me too much when I date them.

[passion_flower]

I remember he told me at the beginning of our relationship he was still registered on a dating website.

 

Anyway I went and had a look and lo and behold he's still on there! I can't view his profile yet as I need to wait for my account to be approved first but should I confront him about this?

[Gaeta]

First you need to verify if he is still using that account. Maybe his account still exist but he did not log in the past 8 months.

 

If he is still using this account then you need to have a conversation, that conversation you should have had a long time ago. You don't let 8 month pass without asking 'are we exclusive'.

 

I don't like 'confronting'. You confront someone when they are caught doing something that they lied about. Sounds like you never clarified with him that you were a couple. So about you confirm that first.

[Ruby Slippers]

My ex "loved me in his own way", too. Problem is, his way didn't make me feel very loved or appreciated.

 

This guy routinely makes you feel sad and frustrated. He's not a keeper.

[angel.eyes]

Seems like you're flogging a dead horse to try and keep this going...to try and force things to work.

 

He's disengaged. You aren't compatible. You alone seem to be making the effort. I imagine you don't feel very good most of the time. I know you love him. But unfortunately, he doesn't feel the same way. Sometimes that happens. Just let him go.

[FitChick]

He considers two miles away "long distance" so that's why he wants to move in with you. He'll never have to leave the couch.

 

You have to let this one go so you can meet someone better. Anyone sounds better than this lazy slug.

[mike_89]

I don't know, I'm just so confused. I haven't heard from him in nearly 4 hours now since the last text. I do love him and I do think he loves me in his own way but if we can't come to a compromise then there's no where else for us to go. It's so hard letting go.

 

I hate feeling like I'm being clingy, I am usually the one who feels smothered by guys texting me too much when I date them.

 

I think that you are not being unreasonable. Unlike the others here I do think he is into you however he clearly has some serious psychological issues to work through. He did not have a job, has nothing to do and does nothing but sit in his apartment all week except for when he goes to his parents or meets you at the car boot. Mentally healthy people don't do this, mentally healthy people do not lock themselves away.

I believe that you really push him out of his comfort zone by asking him to come to other places than he is used to. He obviously needs a lot of structure to be able to cope with life, otherwise he would spent his own private time doing other stuff than just being at home. You could try figuring out a place that you both might like to go to together and have regular dates there. If you have a couple of these places you could rotate between them and have 3 or 4 dates a week at different places but still keep your boyfriend in his comfort zone.

[passion_flower]

First you need to verify if he is still using that account. Maybe his account still exist but he did not log in the past 8 months.

 

If he is still using this account then you need to have a conversation, that conversation you should have had a long time ago. You don't let 8 month pass without asking 'are we exclusive'.

 

I don't like 'confronting'. You confront someone when they are caught doing something that they lied about. Sounds like you never clarified with him that you were a couple. So about you confirm that first.

 

I registered an account so I can see his profile, just waiting for my account to be activated. Hopefully it will say when he was last online. Even still, I thought dating websites usually have a deactivating feature so they can't show up but if he's forgotten about it then that's fair enough.

 

He's finally texted me after 6 hours saying "we can discuss you moving in next time I see you" whenever that is...

[passion_flower]

I think that you are not being unreasonable. Unlike the others here I do think he is into you however he clearly has some serious psychological issues to work through. He did not have a job, has nothing to do and does nothing but sit in his apartment all week except for when he goes to his parents or meets you at the car boot. Mentally healthy people don't do this, mentally healthy people do not lock themselves away.

I believe that you really push him out of his comfort zone by asking him to come to other places than he is used to. He obviously needs a lot of structure to be able to cope with life, otherwise he would spent his own private time doing other stuff than just being at home. You could try figuring out a place that you both might like to go to together and have regular dates there. If you have a couple of these places you could rotate between them and have 3 or 4 dates a week at different places but still keep your boyfriend in his comfort zone.

 

I forgot to mention he does have Asperger's syndrome so I think that contributes to his avoidance of social situations but it's not as if I drag him to parties or anything out of his comfort zone. I just want him to come to my house, he gets on with my parents ok. It also goes with what you were saying about him needing structure and routine in his life.

[passion_flower]

I'm bumping this thread up again as I'm still not happy with my boyfriends wishy washy answer when I ask him when I'm going to see him again.

 

Last week I asked him and he goes "I don't know" so I said to him I can stay over at yours during the week, maybe Tuesday and he said yeah ok. When we had the argument over not seeing each other enough he did say I didn't seem to want to stay at his so that's why I said that.

 

This week I asked him again when I would be seeing him next and again he goes "I don't know" so I just went oh that's great to which he didn't say anything too.

 

I don't think it's really my place to keep asking if I can stay at his during the week is it? I gave him the opportunity to ask me and he doesn't seem bothered. The more I'm having to push this, the more I'm starting to resent him.

 

I want to say something to him but I don't know what. I'm sick of feeling like I'm cutting into his 'me time' when we don't even see each other that much.

[Els]

If he's unemployed with minimal other obligations, there really is no good (as in, reasonable or improve-able) reason for him seeing you so infrequently.

[passion_flower]

If he's unemployed with minimal other obligations, there really is no good (as in, reasonable or improve-able) reason for him seeing you so infrequently.

 

He has aspergers which mean they don't need as much social interaction and he's introverted and has lots of insular activities such as going on his computer listening to music all the time and reading about music. So I get that he needs space to an extent.

 

But even so, there has to be a compromise somewhere and I don't think seeing each other once during the week and once at the weekend is too much to ask.

 

I just text him: Is seeing each other once during the week and once at the weekend too much for you? If so then maybe we should finish. I don't know how to take it when I ask you when we're going to see each other again and you say you don't know, seems a bit wishy-washy to me and like you're not bothered. I'm getting tired of having to push this with you.

 

Of course I bet I'll have to wait hours for a response now.