Hurt by her sexual past

[sean2345]

I have been talking to and seeing this girl on and off for a few months now and things are starting to get more serious. We get along really well and literally the only thing I don’t like about her is her sexual past. She is 22 and has slept with around 25 guys. She basically told me she went through a phase in grade12/first year university but has since calmed down a lot (people have confirmed this). Another thing that bothers me is while I am not friends with them, I know a few guys that have slept with her. I have slept with more people than this so I realize I am being a hypocrite… I guess it just bothers me because her number is much higher than I would prefer and that I know a few of the guys as well. I have no reason not to trust her I just hate the thought of the past. I don’t know if it’s the number that bothers me as much as it is that I know who some of them are personally. Am I being unreasonable? Is this a dealbreaker? What should I do?

[FitChick]

Perhaps your number is much higher than she would prefer but she has the good sense to not let it bother her because she can't change the past. If it bothers you I guess you will have to leave town.

[Candy_Pants]

If it's a deal breaker to you, fine. At least you know you're being a hypocrite.

[ASG]

Like it has been said... if it is a dealbreaker to you, so be it. You need to let go of this girl.

 

But you are being a hypocrite. How would you feel if she told you the same thing???

 

Everyone has a past. Hers is colourful. But then, so is yours! What bothers you about knowing some of the guys?

A few years ago, when I was dating my ex, we went to the launch party of a band's new album. I am friends with the band. At the end of the gig I introduced my bf to my friends and all was good.

When we left, my ex asked me if I'd slept with the keys player. I said yes. And he was all "yeah, I got that vibe from him, but I let him know who's boss with my handshake". He was territorial, sure, but positive about it. Because it was in the past, it meant nothing, and he had me at the time!! So he was clearly winning.

 

See what I mean? Maybe try and take that kind of attitude. Sure, it might not be the most pleasant, but go positive on it. Like, sure you've slept with her in the past, but she's with me now! I win! kinda thing...

[oldshirt]

If it's a deal breaker to you, fine. At least you know you're being a hypocrite.

 

I kinda agree with this. You can't help how you feel and many guys have a deep, instinctual distaste for women who have screwed around a lot. It's hardwired into us. It may not be right, it may not make sense, it may not be rational, but it is what it is.

 

If you can't get past it and don't think that you would be able to see her with proper severance and dignity and respect that you should, then the best thing would be to dissolve the relationship so you could move on to someone that you can respect and admire and she can move on to someone that could respect and not judge her.

 

Just realize that it's a deep, uncontrollable feeling that you have no control over so dedicate yourself to never having the "numbers" discussion again. Knowing someone's body count and having them know yours can only cause angst and problems. It can never help....ever.

 

If you say One person too many, people will think you are loose and slutty and trashy. If you say one person too few and people will think you are nerdy, undesirable or too uptight. It's always a no-win scenario. You can only lose discussing numbers.

 

...and its never anyone's else's business. Their' s or yours.

[Hopeful30]

You shouldn't ask us if it's a deal breaker. That's entirely up to you. Some men are okay with it, some aren't - and there is nothing wrong with either attitude. It's just preference.

 

As a woman, I am extremely turned off by men who have a high number too. He isn't as valuable in my opinion because he is so easy. Again, that's personal preference and doesn't mean he, as a person, is any less than anyone else. I just find it a turn off.

[Adele0908]

The only reason it bothers you us because you grew up in a Western society that views women as inferior and as property. That's the only reason, because in other societies and tribes around the world, people practice relationships differently.

 

Examples: in a tribe in west Africa, wives have boyfriends in addition to husbands. These women explain that their husbands won't respect them if they cannot attract other men. In the Trobriand islands, women and men sleep around regularly until marriage, and are expected and encouraged to be promiscuous starting from around age 13. In a tribe in the Amazon, women trade sex for meat brought by the best tribal hunters regularly, and it is happily encouraged.

 

There is a book called Sex at Dawn that provides theories that suggest humans are naturally promiscuous.

 

If her past bothers you, it's because you harbor certain views about how people should behave, and maybe you have some shame surrounding sex. Maybe you view sex as dirty. Maybe you believe that women who have sex are dirty, and can only have sex when certain rules and restrictions are in place. Maybe you feel inferior because she can compare your sexual performance to other men. Maybe you are an insecure man. Maybe you are a person who takes everything personally. Maybe you are a person who is unable to live in the present and who finds things to be unhappy about. But at any rate, the issue is not your girlfriend. How you feel says more about you, and nothing about her.

[Adele0908]

I kinda agree with this. You can't help how you feel and many guys have a deep, instinctual distaste for women who have screwed around a lot. It's hardwired into us. It may not be right, it may not make sense, it may not be rational, but it is what it is.

 

If you can't get past it and don't think that you would be able to see her with proper severance and dignity and respect that you should, then the best thing would be to dissolve the relationship so you could move on to someone that you can respect and admire and she can move on to someone that could respect and not judge her.

 

Just realize that it's a deep, uncontrollable feeling that you have no control over so dedicate yourself to never having the "numbers" discussion again. Knowing someone's body count and having them know yours can only cause angst and problems. It can never help....ever.

 

If you say One person too many, people will think you are loose and slutty and trashy. If you say one person too few and people will think you are nerdy, undesirable or too uptight. It's always a no-win scenario. You can only lose discussing numbers.

 

...and its never anyone's else's business. Their' s or yours.

 

I disagree. It is not hard wired, it is a byproduct of religion.

[preraph]

I have to say that this kind of double standard absolutely makes me cringe. My immediate reaction is I wish I could tell her to run as far away from you as possible. Women tend to sleep with someone because they hope it will lead to something, and as you well know, there are a million guys out there who will let them think so only to disappear afterwards. Men do a whole lot of bitching about wishing women were more interested in sex, but when they are, they get branded as an unworthy woman for it. So go out there and marry someone who would really rather not and have a happy life, dude.

[WrinkledForehead]

It seems to be a common thing for men, and yes, in your case hypocritical. It is up to you to get over it or not.

 

Don't ask questions you don't want answers to. Numbers are a taboo subject because of this.

[Cpt]

Why is it when a guy sleeps around with lots if women he is a legend and when a woman does it she is a slutt?

 

If a key opens a lot of locks, it is a master key.

If a lock is opened by many keys... well its useless isn't it?

 

Sex is easy to get for any decent looking woman. Sex is difficult for men to get (unless its a hooker). Imo the more girls a guy sleeps with, the more valuable he is, not the other way round. The more guys a girl sleeps with, the less valuable she is. The term "used and abused" comes to mind.

 

OP I personally think you will regret it later if you break up with this girl, because as you get older, past experiences will simply be just that... the past. I know i'm contradicting myself here, but with time OP this will not matter to you anymore especially if EVERYTHING else is perfect.

 

My advice: stay with her, suck it up and enjoy the relationship. If after say 6 months and its still bothering you. Then break up with her.

[Phantom888]

As the old saying goes, "Men want tap sluts, but want to marry a virgin." This double standard has been around forever, and it's imprinted into our DNA. Yes everything is in the past, and there is no reason to feel threatened. But many guys still prefer women with lower numbers. I dated a woman who slept with so many people that she couldn't even keep count. Even though they happened a long time ago, I was still uncomfortable with it. Eventually I made the decision to break up with her, not because I was judging her, but because we were not sexually compatible. I would prefer a woman who has similar number to mine, which is in the mid-teens. This way, I know we have similar views and values about sex, dating, baggage, etc. I'm almost 40 years old, and I realize there are no virgins my age, so I try to date women who had been in long term marriages/relationships. That's just my personal preference.

 

I think it's fine that women have sex with many partners before they find their mate. But I believe the man has the right to accept or reject her past. To each his own. No judging or anything... it's more to do with compatibility and preference.

[ASG]

As the old saying goes, "Men want tap sluts, but want to marry a virgin." This double standard has been around forever, and it's imprinted into our DNA. Yes everything is in the past, and there is no reason to feel threatened. But many guys still prefer women with lower numbers. I dated a woman who slept with so many people that she couldn't even keep count. Even though they happened a long time ago, I was still uncomfortable with it. Eventually I made the decision to break up with her, not because I was judging her, but because we were not sexually compatible. I would prefer a woman who has similar number to mine, which is in the mid-teens. This way, I know we have similar views and values about sex, dating, baggage, etc. I'm almost 40 years old, and I realize there are no virgins my age, so I try to date women who had been in long term marriages/relationships. That's just my personal preference.

 

I think it's fine that women have sex with many partners before they find their mate. But I believe the man has the right to accept or reject her past. To each his own. No judging or anything... it's more to do with compatibility and preference.

 

No, it really isn't! It is absolutely not genetic, not even close. Just over 100 years ago, black people were slaves and seen as nothing more than property. Over 50 years ago they could not go to the same restaurants, could not sit on the bus, etc, etc, etc. And now? Sure, racism still exists, but to a MUCH lesser degree! Wouldn't you agree?

 

 

Same with gay people and even women! Sure, we're still a long way away from getting rid of the double standard. But slowly but surely, we'll get there.

 

But don't come here and say that. Just like it's not genetic to hate black people. Or gays.

 

/rant

[kaylan]

Ewww. Thats waaaaay too many partners for a girl that age imo. Id be put off OP.

 

If you cannot accept it, dump her and move on. You are a hypocrite though...and you shouldnt expect conservative women to be OK with your past.

 

I can relate to disliking the idea of dating someone when you know people theyve slept with. I personally have trouble dating a girl if shes been with someone I know. It just puts me off. I just like dating someone fresh to my circle...and not having to visualize my chick having been with an acquaintance. I definitely dont date them if theyve been with a friend of mine.

 

PS - I disagree with someones earlier point regarding our DNA and the sexual double standard, as there exist cultures in the world where women arent shamed for promiscuity. Sexual shaming is largely down to culture and selfishness regarding the sexual wants of male vs females.

Edited April 24, 2014 by kaylan

[Phantom888]

No, it really isn't! It is absolutely not genetic, not even close. Just over 100 years ago, black people were slaves and seen as nothing more than property. Over 50 years ago they could not go to the same restaurants, could not sit on the bus, etc, etc, etc. And now? Sure, racism still exists, but to a MUCH lesser degree! Wouldn't you agree?

 

 

Same with gay people and even women! Sure, we're still a long way away from getting rid of the double standard. But slowly but surely, we'll get there.

 

But don't come here and say that. Just like it's not genetic to hate black people. Or gays.

 

/rant

 

This has nothing to do with societal progressions and changes. Males in nature do not wish to bond with promiscuous females because the off-springs may not be his. To protect and feed an off-spring, the male would have to invest much energy and resources. It would be a huge failure to his genetic lineage if he ended up raising another male's off-spring. This is pure biological.

 

In this day and age, we see women with many partners to have higher potential to cheat. This may be a social stigma, but it weighs heavily on men's mind. A woman with 100 sex partners may not view sex as such an intimate experience, so she may casually share it indiscriminately. In turn, men may see her only as a fling potential, and not as a life-partner potential. IMHO.

[ASG]

This has nothing to do with societal progressions and changes. Males in nature do not wish to bond with promiscuous females because the off-springs may not be his. To protect and feed an off-spring, the male would have to invest much energy and resources. It would be a huge failure to his genetic lineage if he ended up raising another male's off-spring. This is pure biological.

 

In this day and age, we see women with many partners to have higher potential to cheat. This may be a social stigma, but it weighs heavily on men's mind. A woman with 100 sex partners may not view sex as such an intimate experience, so she may casually share it indiscriminately. In turn, men may see her only as a fling potential, and not as a life-partner potential. IMHO.

 

Er... no. Only in western societies. I direct you to Adele's post on this thread, where she gives plenty of examples of societies where that is just quite simply NOT TRUE.

 

So no. It's no genetic. It's sociological. And it needs to be gone.

[KungFuJoe]

This has nothing to do with societal progressions and changes. Males in nature do not wish to bond with promiscuous females because the off-springs may not be his. To protect and feed an off-spring, the male would have to invest much energy and resources. It would be a huge failure to his genetic lineage if he ended up raising another male's off-spring. This is pure biological.

 

In this day and age, we see women with many partners to have higher potential to cheat. This may be a social stigma, but it weighs heavily on men's mind. A woman with 100 sex partners may not view sex as such an intimate experience, so she may casually share it indiscriminately. In turn, men may see her only as a fling potential, and not as a life-partner potential. IMHO.

 

I agree that the reason why men feel the way they do is because of "caveman" theory.

 

I would just hope that, with all we know today, and a good amount of common freakin sense, that we would slowly eliminate this absolutely ridiculous correlation from society.

[KungFuJoe]

Now, I want to point out that there's a difference between not exactly liking the idea of your partner being with someone else and being absolutely disgusted and feeling resentment towards him/her because of it.

 

The latter usually has its roots in insecurity on the part of the person feeling the resentment.

[Woggle]

Men don't feel this way because we are maliciously trying to oppress women or any of that. It has nothing to do with it. It is a form of self protection. At the end of the day people look out for themselves and right or wrong this is how many men protect and try to spare themselves the drama they see other men go through. Political correctness goes right out the window when it comes to self protection.

[kaylan]

Why is it when a guy sleeps around with lots if women he is a legend and when a woman does it she is a slutt?

 

If a key opens a lot of locks, it is a master key.

If a lock is opened by many keys... well its useless isn't it?

 

Sex is easy to get for any decent looking woman. Sex is difficult for men to get (unless its a hooker). Imo the more girls a guy sleeps with, the more valuable he is, not the other way round. The more guys a girl sleeps with, the less valuable she is. The term "used and abused" comes to mind.

 

OP I personally think you will regret it later if you break up with this girl, because as you get older, past experiences will simply be just that... the past. I know i'm contradicting myself here, but with time OP this will not matter to you anymore especially if EVERYTHING else is perfect.

 

My advice: stay with her, suck it up and enjoy the relationship. If after say 6 months and its still bothering you. Then break up with her.

This is bull*****...because the guys I know who sleep around the most hardly are master keys. They simply have low standards and sleep with almost any woman willing to give it up. The master key type of guy is a rarity, and usually dudes with high numbers sleep with easy women or drop standards in order to get sex when they want.

 

If I was a woman, I wouldnt find that appealing...and from what Ive seen, a lot of women dont find men with low standards attractive. Ive seen a girls face turn when she finds out about certain women a guy had slept with in the past.

 

I wouldnt sleep with plenty of the women Ive seen my more promiscuous male friends sleep with.

[Ruby Slippers]

As a woman, I am extremely turned off by men who have a high number too. He isn't as valuable in my opinion because he is so easy. Again, that's personal preference and doesn't mean he, as a person, is any less than anyone else. I just find it a turn off.

Same here. I think it's best if the guy and I have similar backgrounds. I'm turned on by selectivity, turned off by promiscuity. Always have been.

[Woggle]

I just read that the OP has a higher number than her which sort of changes everything. It is perfectly reasonable to want a partner with a similiar lifestyle as you but don't be a hypocrite about it. Practice what you preach.

[FortunateSon]

I have been talking to and seeing this girl on and off for a few months now and things are starting to get more serious. We get along really well and literally the only thing I don’t like about her is her sexual past. She is 22 and has slept with around 25 guys. She basically told me she went through a phase in grade12/first year university but has since calmed down a lot (people have confirmed this). Another thing that bothers me is while I am not friends with them, I know a few guys that have slept with her. I have slept with more people than this so I realize I am being a hypocrite… I guess it just bothers me because her number is much higher than I would prefer and that I know a few of the guys as well. I have no reason not to trust her I just hate the thought of the past. I don’t know if it’s the number that bothers me as much as it is that I know who some of them are personally. Am I being unreasonable? Is this a dealbreaker? What should I do?

Does the fact you know some of the guys make it a tougher pill to swallow? To me, that would bother me more than the number. This is just another example of why talking about numbers/pasts do nothing good for a relationship.

[SJC2008]

The only reason it bothers you us because you grew up in a Western society that views women as inferior and as property.

 

Please! That was then this is now. The US has been feminized since at least the 60's. Are there sexual double standards? Hell yes. Are there other areas that need to be improved like equal pay? Absoloutely! TBS women are pedestalized in this culture not the other way around. They're painted as the nicer sweeter fairer sex. They're painted as "damsels in distress" and men are disposable bumbs. Courts favor women in divorce and even more so criminally if it's "her word against his". Most women wear the pants in relationships now days too, even if it's behind closed doors ;).

 

In the 60's women said men weren't sensitive enough and now it's 'don't be a "nice" guy'. The feminazi movement has tried to define men for years now so please don't get me started.

 

Relevant to the OP: Don't ask for what you can't bring to the table. You're both in the same league sexually. If you want a more conservative women it's probably not going to happen because you weren't/aren't conservative.

Edited April 25, 2014 by SJC2008

[ktya]

I have been talking to and seeing this girl on and off for a few months now and things are starting to get more serious. We get along really well and literally the only thing I don’t like about her is her sexual past. She is 22 and has slept with around 25 guys. She basically told me she went through a phase in grade12/first year university but has since calmed down a lot (people have confirmed this). Another thing that bothers me is while I am not friends with them, I know a few guys that have slept with her. I have slept with more people than this so I realize I am being a hypocrite… I

 

1) You have no right to judge her for doing something you have done more of yourself just because she's a girl

 

2) Her previous sexual history is not your problem unless she has a disease

 

3) I dated a chick who told me she had worked in a massage parlour and I ended up being in a relationship with her for four months. I was the winner in the end because that girl would do absolutely anything in the sack.

 

Nothing wrong with experience. Ever nail a virgin? Love the sack of potatoes looking at you with the fear of god in her eyes? Didn't think so.

 

Relax.