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How to manage when your partners ex is stalking them


Babolat

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I'm not looking so much for advise as I am shared experiences.

 

The woman I have started seeing is divorced. She divorced her ex 3 years ago after discovering he was bi-polar and he refused to go to counseling and take medication. She did not leave him becasue he was diagnosied as bipolar; rather he refused to recognize his condition, refused to take his medication(s) (which, when he was on them the marriage was good) and he treated her poorly (emotional abuse and finally physical abuse). He ultimately threw her across a room and broke her arm. She kicked him out of the house immediately and began the divorce process then.

 

She later discovered that while dating, and then married. he had bugged her house, got access to all of her emails, work and personal, texts, you name it and had been stalking and following her.

 

Since the divorce he has continued to stalk her, even though he has remarried. She has moved and he is showing up at her new house, sitting outside in his car. She has seen him walking around the house. He sends her hateful texts from random phones. He has not confronted her.

 

She noticed things were out of place in her new house so she had cameras installed 4 weeks ago that somehow upload to YouTube. She came home last night, sensed something was off, watched the videos, and sure enough he was in her house yesterday. He did not do anything other than walk aroound. He works at a hardware store and has access to various locks so somehow he is able to make keys that fit her doors. The police think he took a mold of the exterior lock then went back to find the keys that fit that lock.

 

I was walking in when she discovered this (we were going to go out for dinner). She was shaking and very upset. She called the police, I stayed with her dog outside, while she talked to the police inside. They went to arrest him last night for unlawful entry and she now has a restraining order.

 

I just listend to her talk last night, made sure she was safe, and then went home. I asked if she was afraid of him, she said no, he would not come back into the house and harm her. I did not sit with her and the police, I don't want to know the details. I don't feel like it's any of my business, at least right now, that this is something she needs to manage.

 

Last night once home I thought "this is a big red flag". Today, I feel different. This is NOT her fault and it has nothing to do with us. She did say "He probably bugged my new house, like he did her prior house, and knows we are having sex". My reply was "If he bugged the house he would know about the cameras as you told me about them while we were inside the house". She's been in this house for about a year and believes he has been inside before yesterday.

 

She's texted me a couple of times today mostly to say thank you for being so amazingly supportive and for being there; I can tell she is still very upset. It's my plan to be here for support, listen, not give advise unless she asks, and let her work thru this. I assume there will be "more" since he is probably in jail now or going to jail and she will be involved somehow. I worry about what he will do once he is out of jail. It's her hope this will be the end. My guess, is not.

 

I'm wondering if I should ask her if she thinks we should "Pause" while she works thru this as IMHO "we" are the last thing she should be thinking about right now.

 

I dunno. Really just looking for feedback, not solutions, judgment or how to fix this or how stupid I am for being with her. I like this woman, I've never been around something like this and I am just looking for information I guess. I'm not gonna walk away from an us because of him, unless it's the right thing to do.

 

Thanks

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I'm not looking so much for advise as I am shared experiences.

 

The woman I have started seeing is divorced. She divorced her ex 3 years ago after discovering he was bi-polar and he refused to go to counseling and take medication. She did not leave him becasue he was diagnosied as bipolar; rather he refused to recognize his condition, refused to take his medication(s) (which, when he was on them the marriage was good) and he treated her poorly (emotional abuse and finally physical abuse). He ultimately threw her across a room and broke her arm. She kicked him out of the house immediately and began the divorce process then.

 

She later discovered that while dating, and then married. he had bugged her house, got access to all of her emails, work and personal, texts, you name it and had been stalking and following her.

 

Since the divorce he has continued to stalk her, even though he has remarried. She has moved and he is showing up at her new house, sitting outside in his car. She has seen him walking around the house. He sends her hateful texts from random phones. He has not confronted her.

 

She noticed things were out of place in her new house so she had cameras installed 4 weeks ago that somehow upload to YouTube. She came home last night, sensed something was off, watched the videos, and sure enough he was in her house yesterday. He did not do anything other than walk aroound. He works at a hardware store and has access to various locks so somehow he is able to make keys that fit her doors. The police think he took a mold of the exterior lock then went back to find the keys that fit that lock.

 

I was walking in when she discovered this (we were going to go out for dinner). She was shaking and very upset. She called the police, I stayed with her dog outside, while she talked to the police inside. They went to arrest him last night for unlawful entry and she now has a restraining order.

 

I just listend to her talk last night, made sure she was safe, and then went home. I asked if she was afraid of him, she said no, he would not come back into the house and harm her. I did not sit with her and the police, I don't want to know the details. I don't feel like it's any of my business, at least right now, that this is something she needs to manage.

 

Last night once home I thought "this is a big red flag". Today, I feel different. This is NOT her fault and it has nothing to do with us. She did say "He probably bugged my new house, like he did her prior house, and knows we are having sex". My reply was "If he bugged the house he would know about the cameras as you told me about them while we were inside the house". She's been in this house for about a year and believes he has been inside before yesterday.

 

She's texted me a couple of times today mostly to say thank you for being so amazingly supportive and for being there; I can tell she is still very upset. It's my plan to be here for support, listen, not give advise unless she asks, and let her work thru this. I assume there will be "more" since he is probably in jail now or going to jail and she will be involved somehow. I worry about what he will do once he is out of jail. It's her hope this will be the end. My guess, is not.

 

I'm wondering if I should ask her if she thinks we should "Pause" while she works thru this as IMHO "we" are the last thing she should be thinking about right now.

 

I dunno. Really just looking for feedback, not solutions, judgment or how to fix this or how stupid I am for being with her. I like this woman, I've never been around something like this and I am just looking for information I guess. I'm not gonna walk away from an us because of him, unless it's the right thing to do.

 

Thanks

 

Wow.

 

That is a crazy situation.

 

I do think it's awesome you are able to tell the difference between a victim of the situation, and an insinuator of the situation. I do think she's in dangerous territory as this guy is legitimately nuts....breaking and entering / stalking / even as far as making molds of her keys? What. The. ****.

 

I do feel that you need to do exactly as your doing....being a beam of support for her to lean on. I also agree, you should be very careful with inserting yourself in this situation. You don't want this guy to suddenly think you are the threat...who knows where that may lead.

 

Honestly, I think it's too much drama for my own comfort. I truthfully do not know what I would do in that situation. I'd like to think I could provide the support you are doing, being her support where she needs it.

 

However, I would not want the future of my relationship / children's lives / and/or your livelihood jeopardized because of crazy ex.

 

My 2 cents.

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Strength in Healing

I dealt with this in my last 4 year relationship. He was way more violent, though.

 

Nothing you can do except what you've been doing. What you are doing and realizing is exactly what you need to be doing and realizing. I know you aren't looking for advice, but my advice is keep using your head and realizing she didn't ask for this.

 

Though, in my case, I should have dropped my ex of 4 years, she was just as crazy as he was... LOL!

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I'm not looking so much for advise as I am shared experiences.

 

 

She later discovered that while dating, and then married. he had bugged her house, got access to all of her emails, work and personal, texts, you name it and had been stalking and following her.

 

To clarify - He bugged the house they lived in together?

 

Since the divorce he has continued to stalk her, even though he has remarried. She has moved and he is showing up at her new house, sitting outside in his car. She has seen him walking around the house. He sends her hateful texts from random phones. He has not confronted her.

 

And she did not pursue a restraining order because...?

 

She noticed things were out of place in her new house so she had cameras installed 4 weeks ago that somehow upload to YouTube. She came home last night, sensed something was off, watched the videos, and sure enough he was in her house yesterday. He did not do anything other than walk aroound. He works at a hardware store and has access to various locks so somehow he is able to make keys that fit her doors. The police think he took a mold of the exterior lock then went back to find the keys that fit that lock.

 

Huh?!?! She noticed that it seemed someone had been in the house 4 weeks ago so instead of installing an alarm and a lock that he can't make a master of, she chose instead to make videos?

 

 

Last night once home I thought "this is a big red flag". Today, I feel different.

 

Your thinking last night was spot on.

 

This is NOT her fault and it has nothing to do with us. She did say "He probably bugged my new house, like he did her prior house, and knows we are having sex". My reply was "If he bugged the house he would know about the cameras as you told me about them while we were inside the house". She's been in this house for about a year and believes he has been inside before yesterday.

 

This is beyond weird. Seems she is ok with her house being bugged by her ex. She's also pretty un-fazed at the idea of her ex listening to the two of you having sex.

 

 

I'm wondering if I should ask her if she thinks we should "Pause" while she works thru this as IMHO "we" are the last thing she should be thinking about right now.

 

Perhaps you should pause until she can figure out what she wants.

 

You've stated repeatedly that this woman has money. Which means she has the ability to install locks that her ex can just make a key for. She could also have obtained a restraining order based on her ex's other activities. That she hasn't taken any real steps to prevent his "stalking" makes me wonder if she enjoys this drama at some level.

 

 

I dunno. Really just looking for feedback, not solutions, judgment or how to fix this or how stupid I am for being with her. I like this woman, I've never been around something like this and I am just looking for information I guess. I'm not gonna walk away from an us because of him, unless it's the right thing to do.

 

It's not a matter of judging you or her, but of deciding whether her boundaries align with your own.

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Your friend should be showing all these tapes and things to the police and getting a restraining order. Only after you get one can they then be arrested for stalking, and only with documention. If she is not doing this already, there is something WRONG with her. Stalkers are very dangerous to her and to anyone in their way.

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Your friend should be showing all these tapes and things to the police and getting a restraining order. Only after you get one can they then be arrested for stalking, and only with documention. If she is not doing this already, there is something WRONG with her. Stalkers are very dangerous to her and to anyone in their way.

She showed them the video last night and got the restraining order last night and they were on their way to arrest him in her last text to me.

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I find it so strange that she took this long to get the police involved.

 

 

Now that there is a restraining order, there is so much less yo worry about. In fact, I personally would want him to break it.

 

You can only afford to get arrested so many times...

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It doesn't sound unusual to you that she did not call the cops in 3 years and she did not install an alarm system in her house already?

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To clarify - He bugged the house they lived in together? .

 

I don't know the details, I know at a minimum he bugged the house she lived in while they were dating. He moved into that house when they got married. She did not discover the bugs until after she kicked him out for the violence.

 

 

 

And she did not pursue a restraining order because...?.

Last night she said she had enough to arrest him before but he was refusing to sign the divorce papers. She used "not pressing charges" as leverage to get him to sign the divorce papers.

 

 

 

Huh?!?! She noticed that it seemed someone had been in the house 4 weeks ago so instead of installing an alarm and a lock that he can't make a master of, she chose instead to make videos?

 

No, she said in the past year, there was at least one time she noticed it seemed things had been moved around. Her best friends bf installed the cameras for her, 2 of them, for free as a quick way to confirm if he did come into the house. I truly think in her mind she did not believe he had come into the house, or at least had talked herself into believing it. She was trembling when I showed up she was so upset. I too asked her about a security system. Like me, she does not want one as she would feel trapped in her own house. I understand this as my house was broken into 5 months ago and I still refuse to get a security system.

 

 

This is beyond weird. Seems she is ok with her house being bugged by her ex. She's also pretty un-fazed at the idea of her ex listening to the two of you having sex.

 

She was not un-fazed about the sex comment. She was very upset. She was very upset about a lot of things and just kind of rambling as she walked through her house. She was even more upset that in the video he stopped and studied photos of her and her kids. She was upset that he probably petted her dog. She was upset that he probably walked around her bedroom, and her kids bedroom. She said she felt violated and dirty knowing he had been in her house. I could see myself in her, when my house was broken into, in her actions and comments last night. She had just been violated and was confused and scared.

 

 

You've stated repeatedly that this woman has money. Which means she has the ability to install locks that her ex can just make a key for. She could also have obtained a restraining order based on her ex's other activities. That she hasn't taken any real steps to prevent his "stalking" makes me wonder if she enjoys this drama at some level.

 

Any lock she buys, he can find a key for at his store. The police even said that. They suggested hotel door locks, the sliding locking ones that mount to the outside of the door (on the interior of the door). And no, I can tell, she does not like this drama. She shared with me her history with me when we met. I think in her mind she was just hoping it would "go away". I get that. All he has done to date is park outside, 2-3 times that she can remember, and one time she saw him in her alley (not her actual property, city property. What could she do? It's not against the law to sit on a city street in your car. It's not against the law to send a text message from another phone.

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It doesn't sound unusual to you that she did not call the cops in 3 years and she did not install an alarm system in her house already?

 

No, not based on her explanations I state above. She wanted the divorce, he was refusing, so she used what she knew as leverage to get him to sign the papers.

 

The alarm system; I get it. My side door was destroyed, smashed in, daylight, and I still refuse to get a security system. She said she had one years ago in a house and hated it. It kept going off accidentally.

 

The message I heard from her last night was "I want this done and over and how dare him". My best guess is she never thought he was actually coming into her house, thought "maybe" based on one or two events, and once she saw it on video she got very angry and upset and took immediate action.

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I too asked her about a security system. Like me, she does not want one as she would feel trapped in her own house. I understand this as my house was broken into 5 months ago and I still refuse to get a security system.

 

???

 

I have a security system and in no way am I "trapped" in my own house.

 

I find it really odd that this woman knows she is being stalked by her ex, knows he has bugged her prior residence, suspects he has been in her current residence, and doesn't take basic precautions.

 

Any lock she buys, he can find a key for at his store. The police even said that.

 

This doesn't sound right. There should be many more home break-ins if this is the case.

 

Why doesn't she get a combination lock? Or a fingerprint lock?

 

And no, I can tell, she does not like this drama.

 

Maybe she likes not liking it.

 

Sorry, Babolat, but this just does not add up for me.

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I find it so strange that she took this long to get the police involved.

 

I don't. She had nothing to go on post divorce except suspicion and seeing him a couple of times in his car in front of her house and once in her alley.

 

We all handle things differently. I don't judge her or question her at all for how she handled any of this. She did what she needed to to get her divorce and continued to document events post divorce. I don't think she ever felt threatened or scared, and just saw it as him being sick. She kept a folder at her work of whatever that documentation was and showed it to the police last night.

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???

 

I have a security system and in no way am I "trapped" in my own house.

 

I find it really odd that this woman knows she is being stalked by her ex, knows he has bugged her prior residence, suspects he has been in her current residence, and doesn't take basic precautions. .

 

I truly think she saw this as him being sick, him doing what he will do and she did not truly believe he had entered her house. She did not feel threatened or scared by him. I think the video stunned, shocked her, opened her eyes if you will as in "Now I have to do something, this is real". I get that. I had a former lover stalking me for a while a few years ago. She was harmless IMHO. Had she entered my house, different story.

 

 

 

This doesn't sound right. There should be many more home break-ins if this is the case.

 

Why doesn't she get a combination lock? Or a fingerprint lock?.

 

It's her plan to talk to a locksmith about what she can do. Last night she had 1000 things moving through her head, and this was one of them.

 

Nothing I have seen to date in this woman suggests she is drawn to, likes, or needs drama.

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and doesn't take basic precautions.

I think in her mind step one was the cameras. It was something she had not thought about on her own, her gfs bf is in the business and offered to do it for free. She had a gut feeling he had come into her house, no proof. She has 3 kids, they move things, she said she remembers coming home one day, something was out of place, and she just had a feeling.

 

She did not feel threatened or scared by him. I think the camera was a piece of mind thing, and honestly I think when she saw him on it, it took that to make her realize "he really did come into my house".

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Last post and I'm out.

 

Babolat, it seems like you are in denial about this. I don't say this to hurt or upset you, but because it seems like the more people here point out obvious discrepancies in her behavior, you look for ways to protect what you want to believe.

 

In your OP, you said:

 

he treated her poorly (emotional abuse and finally physical abuse). He ultimately threw her across a room and broke her arm.

 

Now you say:

I truly think she saw this as him being sick, him doing what he will do and she did not truly believe he had entered her house. She did not feel threatened or scared by him.

 

I would damn well feel threatened and scared by anyone who had thrown me across a room with enough force he'd broken my arm. I suspect most women would feel this way.

 

Then, in the OP you said:

She noticed things were out of place in her new house so she had cameras installed 4 weeks ago

 

And now you say:

 

I truly think she saw this as him being sick, him doing what he will do and she did not truly believe he had entered her house.

 

Then why did she have CAMERAS installed?

 

And why DIDN'T she do something as basic as install a secure lock.

 

Since the divorce he has continued to stalk her, even though he has remarried. She has moved and he is showing up at her new house, sitting outside in his car. She has seen him walking around the house. He sends her hateful texts from random phones.

 

It's her plan to talk to a locksmith about what she can do.

 

Again, I would say any reasonable woman would have done this the first time she saw his car on her street:

 

Nothing I have seen to date in this woman suggests she is drawn to, likes, or needs drama.

 

Sadly, it doesn't add up that way to me.

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I agree with your read of how things unfolded, Babolat. Hindsight is 20/20, which is why Monday morning quarterbacks would generally choose a different course of action.

 

How unfortunate that she has to deal with this! Your home is normally where you feel safest. I can understand why she would feel traumatized and violated.

 

I really don't see this development as a "red flag." That's victimizing the victim again...like telling rape victims they somehow provoked the attack. Nor is it reasonable to have expected her to see this coming. Who expects or predicts the level of craziness he's engaged in? Most people respect basic boundaries, like not breaking into other people's homes.

 

You're doing everything right IMO. Being supportive and being there to listen when she needs it, without inserting yourself into the middle of his craziness.

 

You mentioned that he's remarried. I didn't quite follow his holding up the divorce but somehow being remarried. (I'm sure there are lots of details involved.) I wonder how his current wife is dealing with the aftermath of his intrusion at his ex's house?

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...Nor is it reasonable to have expected her to see this coming. Who expects or predicts the level of craziness he's engaged in? Most people respect basic boundaries, like not breaking into other people's homes.

 

Her ex has a history of physical violence, he threw her across a room, not enough to think he might be coming after her after a separation?

 

OP: Not wanting to have a home system alarm when you're a woman living alone is craziness. That's how women get killed by their crazy exs. You put the system on when you leave and when you go to bed, nothing more to it. Being unwilling to do this under the present circumstances is playing with her life and security. Crazy obsessed men don't respect restraining orders, and the fact she called the cops and he's now restrained that will raise his obsessiveness and craziness.

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Contact the ex and tell him exactly this....

 

"Ex, I know who you are. I know what you want. You are looking for poosC and money, I can tell you that you won't be getting poosC from my woman or money from me. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you stop stalking my woman right now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will beat the living **** out of you."

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Her ex has a history of physical violence, he threw her across a room, not enough to think he might be coming after her after a separation?

 

OP: Not wanting to have a home system alarm when you're a woman living alone is craziness. That's how women get killed by their crazy exs. You put the system on when you leave and when you go to bed, nothing more to it. Being unwilling to do this under the present circumstances is playing with her life and security. Crazy obsessed men don't respect restraining orders, and the fact she called the cops and he's now restrained that will raise his obsessiveness and craziness.

 

I think it's hard to think clearly when you're the one in the situation. Sometimes people get scared and go into denial.

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Contact the ex and tell him exactly this....

 

"Ex, I know who you are. I know what you want. You are looking for poosC and money, I can tell you that you won't be getting poosC from my woman or money from me. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you stop stalking my woman right now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will beat the living **** out of you."

 

Ha. You get a like for referencing "Taken".

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I did not post to debate why she made the decisions she made anymore than I understand why a woman lets a man physically abuse her for 10 years, and THEN leaves him. I do think she lived in some denial pre and post marriage and wanted to believe it was over, the stalking and spying, and that there was no way he had come into her house. If I recall correctly her gf is the one who convinced her to install cameras. I don't want a security system or cameras in my house, as I do feel safe, and I my house was recently broken into, so I am probably living in some denial, too.

 

 

Regarding him throwing her across the room, rather than fear him, she told him to get the **** out of her house, and he did. As she said last night he is a coward and she has never feared him. I get the impression from her his "stalking" to date has been harmless, more of a nuisance and a "Really?"

 

 

I appreciate the Monday morning arm chair quarterbacking "what she should have dones", but that is not why I posted. I am not living in denial. There are a lot of things I would have done differently. But, again my guess is she was in denial of the whole thing and was happy to be in her new home with her family and felt, safe.

 

 

She's taking all the right steps now and without asking I know it's very difficult on her.

 

 

My post was to hear from those who have been stalked, or those who started a relationship with a new person, then learned that person was being stalked, or those who were/are in a relationship with someone who is being stalked.

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I think it's hard to think clearly when you're the one in the situation. Sometimes people get scared and go into denial.

Thank You for stating this.

 

 

My mom got her ass kicked by my dad for 40 years, to this day she still lives in denial about it.

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You mentioned that he's remarried. I didn't quite follow his holding up the divorce but somehow being remarried. (I'm sure there are lots of details involved.) I wonder how his current wife is dealing with the aftermath of his intrusion at his ex's house?

Actually, I misspoke. He went back to the woman he was dating before he met her. Not sure if he has remarried, or not.

 

 

I have not asked any questions since she told me the police were off to arrest him. I will let her tell me what she wants to when she wants to.

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Last post and I'm out.

 

Babolat, it seems like you are in denial about this. I don't say this to hurt or upset you, but because it seems like the more people here point out obvious discrepancies in her behavior, you look for ways to protect what you want to believe.

 

In your OP, you said:

 

 

 

Now you say:

 

 

I would damn well feel threatened and scared by anyone who had thrown me across a room with enough force he'd broken my arm. I suspect most women would feel this way.

 

Then, in the OP you said:

 

 

And now you say:

 

 

 

Then why did she have CAMERAS installed?

 

And why DIDN'T she do something as basic as install a secure lock.

 

 

 

 

 

Again, I would say any reasonable woman would have done this the first time she saw his car on her street:

 

 

 

Sadly, it doesn't add up that way to me.

It's my best guess from replaying in my head what she told me when we met and last night, that she was living in denial; denial that he would actually come into her new house. The camera installation was free, her gf suggested it, and I think she thought "Okay, what the heck" but never expected to see him in the house.

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OP: Not wanting to have a home system alarm when you're a woman living alone is craziness. That's how women get killed by their crazy exs. You put the system on when you leave and when you go to bed, nothing more to it.

 

Single woman here living alone. No alarm system, yet still happily alive and unharmed.:) Full disclosure: I did very briefly have an alarm system (less than one week), but after the second false alarm, disabled it. Have yet to be murdered.

 

FTR, restraining orders and home alarms don't deter or stop those with mental problems from harming you or breaking and entering your home. They usually don't consider or care much about consequences. Their real function in that type of scenario is in alerting law enforcement and the judicial system that you face a more serious problem and your concerns when voiced need to be taken seriously. She has now done that.

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