Space and Facebook

[Tamias]

I posted on here about 4 weeks ago about my problems with this girl I've been dating. She asks for space and I now completely understand that I was obviously being a needy idiot the whole duration of our time together. It has been almost 3 weeks since I last contacted her and we're still friends on Facebook and share a few common private group pages.

 

After painstakingly going through all these Google searches I decided to kill a part of myself that needed to be so smothering, and thanks to her I finally realize why I have so many failed relationships in the past. I've been trying my best to stay positive and make myself look busy as hell over the last 2 weeks by checking in and posting random photos of hobbies that keep me busy (showing her I could actually do stuff without smothering her).

 

Over the last week I noticed more and more she's liking some of my comments, actually responding to some of my posts on Facebook but she still hasn't contacted me in any actual means to start a conversation. We live far apart (55 mile drive), I don't know any of her friends and there is by no means I could show my presence around her without it seeming like I'm invading her space. The best I think I can do is show pictures of myself having fun and checking in at random locations through our only source of contact. Am I going about this the correct way? (I think I might be too obvious, I can't tell...)

 

I don't want to move on, we're both over 30, and I'm certain she isn't too childish to "spare my feelings" by not actually ending it with me.

Edited April 23, 2014 by Tamias

[Zahara]

Nothing about you has changed. Still the needy and clingy person you are because posting pictures that you are living life because you want her to see it is just you pretending to be someone you are not. Your motive is for her. Your intent is not for you.

 

So even if she came back to you, your issues will resurface. So many failed relationships in the past because of your issues don't suddenly disappear because you spent two weeks apart along with posting enticing pictures of the so-called new you.

[Tamias]

I usually post pictures on Facebook, she's aware of this. Also, you're assuming I'm pretending to be someone I'm not doesn't make sense since you don't really know who I am. I'm just defaulting back to who I was when I was single, just a little more overtly.

[Zahara]

I've been trying my best to stay positive and make myself look busy as hell over the last 2 weeks by checking in and posting random photos of hobbies that keep me busy (showing her I could actually do stuff without smothering her).

 

The best I think I can do is show pictures of myself having fun and checking in at random locations through our only source of contact. Am I going about this the correct way? (I think I might be too obvious, I can't tell...).

 

Err....pretending to be someone she will find interesting. You are selling a forced version of yourself because you want to entice her.

 

If you said all that because you want it for yourself, because you are making all those changes to better yourself, then it would be a different story. You would be doing it all for you.

 

Unfortunately it's pretentious and a farce. You are doing it for her.

[Tamias]

I'm not pretending to be anything she would find "interesting". I'm just posting check-in locations more often than I normally would. Yes, I have motives to show her that I can do stuff with my friends rather than bother her. I doubt she could care less what I'm doing. I get a lot of mixed opinions of this. It doesn't really help my case too much when we have a few mutual friends (my friends - not hers), she's posting on their timelines occasionally too.

 

The thing about the secret group pages on Facebook, she invited me to one that she joined, and I invited her to one I created that only has my friends in it. For some reason she posts in that page knowing very well it's my friends in there. It's a "cosplay page", being we're both into anime and geek culture. What I post are props I'm making for one of my friends and she happens to "like" just about every picture I take. I take this as some level of encouragement, or whatever it is, I'm confused by this. I post other things in my general feed asking for advise on topics that I'm better at and she has very little knowledge of, and she still gives me input on the matter. Almost everyone into cosplay is obsessed with photography and posting what they do to their friends. This is in by no means abnormal, I'm just trying other forms of builds (which I told her while we were still together I would eventually start with anyways).

 

For myself, YES, I'm trying to take my mind off this. I used to be able to just sit around playing video games and wasting my life for hours at time. But the boring repetitive nature that is Diablo III and other such games is making me think too heavily of the obvious matter at hand. I completely abandoned the game she introduced me to and played together for months.

[Zahara]

Good luck to you.

[Tamias]

Err....pretending to be someone she will find interesting. You are selling a forced version of yourself because you want to entice her.

 

If you said all that because you want it for yourself, because you are making all those changes to better yourself, then it would be a different story. You would be doing it all for you.

 

Unfortunately it's pretentious and a farce. You are doing it for her.

 

Funny that some of those pictures was posted by our mutual friends (well my friends that she happened to friended on FB). I just allowed it on my timeline and went with it. I think selfies is pointless and stupid actually.

 

Thanks for the opinion, anything helps, I don't care if it reflects on me negatively.

[Zahara]

Thanks for the opinion, anything helps, I don't care if it reflects on me negatively.

 

You are missing the point.

 

If you state that in all your past relationships, you behavior has led to it's demise, then you're not doing anything to help you learn and overcome those issues. The objective is either 1) to learn and grow from your mistakes 2) to pretend to be "unclingy" and "unneedy".

 

With the latter as in what you are doing now, the issue isn't that it reflects negatively on you, the issue is that if you resume with her again, you go back to being the clingy and needy person you have always been. Nothing has changed. Nothing will change.

[Tamias]

For the most part I haven't had anything that could be considered "relationships". More of failed launches if anything, I tried to be too involved in their personal space and was blinded by this as being a problem. I have identified my issue instead of being blatantly oblivious to it. It's hard to control something when you aren't aware it's an issue. I see this as an issue and need to learn to control it.

 

What I did wrong? (none of these I noticed while I was dating her)

- I asked for a relationship too early

- I talked about her friends

- I tried to join her in her video games when she wanted to unwind from whatever she was doing

- I tried to be in contact too often, talking for the sake of talking without actually getting to know her (my only solution to this personally would be to just ask her out instead of random chit chat about nonsense, once again I don't know for sure)

- I was too quick to abandon who I was when I was single and neglected some of my friends.

 

I haven't actually done anything to get her attention directly, most of the pictures I have are of me with my friends that they've taken that I allowed on my timeline. I figured it would help me, I don't know.

 

I've been in college for 9 years, 2 separate degrees, for the most part of that (after high school), I never really found myself as a person or who I was interested in, and have gone years without dating at all. I moved after I graduated about 3 years ago and dated probably 8 different people that never made it past the third date, usually I ended it or it just fizzled out because neither of use followed up past the first date.

 

The person I'm dating now is the first person I actually allowed to go on for so long and I don't want to ruin it.

 

I am vastly inexperienced in this for my age, she's well aware of that too because I've told her this.

 

I don't want to seem needy by showing I can be "unneedy", I want to show her that I'm still interested in her even after a month without disrespecting her want for space. This whole situation just bothers me, I'm not depressed or anything nor bored, I'm just trying to live life how I normally would but with different hobbies that can help me take my mind off matters.

 

My failure with this was I was intruding on her space too much, I said some idiotic stuff the last time she went out and she asked for some time apart. She explained it all to me, I was completely unaware of everything up until that day. As a result, I cannot let this happen to myself and I am cutting out a lot of the stuff I did with her as a result.

 

I do have a concern with respecting someone else's space when she's actually going into my space during this whole thing. I don't know how to take this, hence my issues with mixed feelings. She has no real business posting in my group page that is set up with exclusively 12 of my friends unless she wanted to go into "my space" for say. I haven't said anything about it nor shown it was a problem to her, I just left it as is.

 

I read some cases like this about how long I should wait, the last time I saw her in person was about 4 weeks ago, I'm not in any hurry to move on considering how inactive my dating life is (I actually went all of 2013 with no dates). I also feel anything I do now would be considered a rebound and considerably stupid. She fundamentally changed me as a person, this last month killed off whatever stupid anxiety bs I pressed on her (lack of communication). Some advise I've heard that says 30-40 days is usually safe to try to initiate contact again, I feel I should wait towards the end of the window, see where this whole thing stands. I'm going to a cherry blossom festival this weekend and normally when I go to that I post a lot of pictures, based on your advise I'll abandon my plans of cosplay for it and just be myself.

Edited April 23, 2014 by Tamias

[Tamias]

You are missing the point.

 

With the latter as in what you are doing now, the issue isn't that it reflects negatively on you, the issue is that if you resume with her again, you go back to being the clingy and needy person you have always been. Nothing has changed. Nothing will change.

 

I disagree with this, mostly because the person I was before was based on someone that was oblivious to these social issues, as in not giving enough space. My whole premise on this, don't know for sure where I got it from, was to be affectionate and try to spend as much time as possible with her. I know I can't change my personality so quickly. But rather being able to see that "being needy is unattractive", I didn't know this, I do now.

 

I put some things out there to gauge her reaction, I was subtitle at first, then she started liking my pictures so I gradually just posted them a little more and more.

[Tamias]

Also, I meant by "negatively on me", was referring to any advise given on this forum discussion. I'm not doing anything that is exceedingly outside my norm by what I post on Facebook.

[Gaeta]

You are 30 years old, you need to get a grip on yourself. She is not feeling you. She kept you on her facebook to be civil toward you, she gives you thumbs up here and there because she feels bad about you. She doesn't pay attention if you are a member or not where she posts. She is hoping you will slowly fade away and she doesn't have to tell you to your face to leave her alone.

 

And she changed you? P l e a s e , you dated 1 MONTH, you told her you LOVED HER. You have been Friend zoned at the speed of light! Wake up!

 

She rejects you but moving on is not an option? How emotionally immature is that? You're like a 3 yo not wanting to let go of a toy he likes! Following her on FB and analyzing each of her every move. 30 years old men don't do that!

[Tamias]

You are 30 years old, you need to get a grip on yourself. She is not feeling you. She kept you on her facebook to be civil toward you, she gives you thumbs up here and there because she feels bad about you. She doesn't pay attention if you are a member or not where she posts. She is hoping you will slowly fade away and she doesn't have to tell you to your face to leave her alone.

 

And she changed you? P l e a s e , you dated 1 MONTH, you told her you LOVED HER. You have been Friend zoned at the speed of light! Wake up!

 

She rejects you but moving on is not an option? How emotionally immature is that? You're like a 3 yo not wanting to let go of a toy he likes! Following her on FB and analyzing each of her every move. 30 years old men don't do that!

 

That burns man... a lot of it are realizations I know too... I've dated her 3 months, not 1. I'm going on with this for 1 more week. However she reacts to it is how I will take this. That post you took that from was days after she told me this, of course I was devastated by this, being that it was my "love" statement. I get it now that unrequited love is bs, I don't feel that way anymore.

 

Before moving on, and thinking of "what could have been", I'm giving this a little more time for her to cool of, which she has told me a few times. "She still needs to cool off".

 

Also, if anyone ACTUALLY thinks asking for space and hoping they fizzle out overtime with no real attention of reconsideration does far more damage than simply breaking up with them. It is NOT civil, it is extremely cowardly and disrespectful to the person they dated. If she simply broke it off with me that night, I would have been fine by now instead of these lingering thoughts that are screwing with my head even still.

[Gaeta]

I am sorry I did not get the facts right. Your last post said you dated a little over 2 months, not 1 month.

 

OP:

 

I want space means: I do not want to be with you

I need a break means: I do not want to be with you

I am not ready for a relationship means: I don't want to be with you

I am too busy means: I don't want to be with you

 

Yes it sucks but people do the fade away all the time! It's weak and cruel but I would say 1 person out of 4 will actually tell you to your face I do not want to pursue any longer. Unfortunately it's part of the dating game.

[Gaeta]

Also it's been 1 month since she told you she needed a cool off time. That cool off is past due date now. People take a couple of days to cool off, not + 1 month. You are not on her mind any longer, she has moved on. You should really move on with your life because soon you will see her post about new friends and new guys she goes out with and that will crush you.

[Tamias]

I am sorry I did not get the facts right. Your last post said you dated a little over 2 months, not 1 month.

 

OP:

 

I want space means: I do not want to be with you

I need a break means: I do not want to be with you

I am not ready for a relationship means: I don't want to be with you

I am too busy means: I don't want to be with you

 

Yes it sucks but people do the fade away all the time! It's weak and cruel but I would say 1 person out of 4 will actually tell you to your face I do not want to pursue any longer. Unfortunately it's part of the dating game.

 

Unfortunately I'm blinded by ignorant faith. I don't know how I could have posted something two months ago since this happened at the very end of March. My thoughts, if she STILL is unwilling to talk to me after 5+ weeks of waiting, well yeah, it will be obvious to me. I haven't said anything in almost 3 weeks to her directly, I'm being patient.

 

She isn't bipolar either, which someone else suggested. She dumped people in the past without asking for space. Since I actually believe she's sincere about her request I choose to be this way. For now it's a wait and see, I'm just not going to try to further antagonize her from this for the time being.

 

She showed interest in me up to the last day, even for 3 dates after I told her of my feelings. It's just what I said on the ride back to her place that set all this motion.

[Tamias]

Also it's been 1 month since she told you she needed a cool off time. That cool off is past due date now. People take a couple of days to cool off, not + 1 month. You are not on her mind any longer, she has moved on. You should really move on with your life because soon you will see her post about new friends and new guys she goes out with and that will crush you.

 

waiting for the 5-6 week mark to be certain. She will spend time at a convention this weekend and I'll do my own thing this weekend (I only know this because at one point I thought I would go to the same convention). She'll have time to do what she likes the most for a few days, after that I'll see how this all goes. Deep down inside I know my chances aren't that great and I pretty much prepared myself for that reality.

 

Most of my research shows that people need weeks to cool off, not days. Also, in actuality I find a lot of articles that pretty much repeat word for word what she is telling me and my situation exactly. A few days is too soon for her, but based on the duration of how long I've been with her, anything longer than half the length of the time we've dating would be rather silly of me waiting. Hence why I'm giving it another week for a response before I ask her where this all stands. I'm not stuck in self pity anymore, I know I have to change myself otherwise I'm doomed to repeat this same nonsense again and again.

 

I admit that I still like her, but the reason I'm waiting is because I don't want any lingering "what if" thoughts. My hopes is how I left her feeling "suffocated" isn't going to be too much in her mind after this duration.

Edited April 23, 2014 by Tamias