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Mislead and in a difficult spot...


ladyruby

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Hello, everyone. I'm hoping for some advice, but I'm not sure if much can be given. I'd like to give a quick snippet of advice myself, first, though: no matter what someone says to convince you otherwise, no matter how much you like someone, no matter how much it may be easier to do the opposite, always go with your gut. Always. I didn't this time, and now I'm in a sticky situation. This is how it is for everyone. Things always work out best when we trust our intuition. Please don't forget yourself when you look into a pair of convincing brown eyes and a shy-looking smile.

 

[included "TL;DR" at the bottom in case you don't want to read the details.]

 

I know what needs to be done, but just not how to go about it in a way that doesn't add on to my trouble. I know that the longer this relationship goes on, the more I'll wish it had never started. With this cocktail of issues, such as the fact that there are already fundamental problems in the relationship before it's even really gotten going, the fact that our lives seem to be going in different directions, and even more importantly, the fact that only I seem to really understand that those two things are very big issues, I don't think there'd be much chance for this to work out even if I wanted it to.

 

Here's the picture. I'm the 20 year old mother of the most vibrant baby girl in the world. She's a year and a half old. In September, I made friends with a single father with two very sweet daughters of his own. He and I both do a lot of art, and when I expressed my love for travel and my hope of leading an adventurous and philanthropic life, globetrotting and making my life an eternal "mission trip" with my little one, he became so excited, claiming that was always his dream, but he had let his mundane job get in the way, etc. Between our single parent connection, easy conversation regarding so many similar interests, and what seemed to be a mutual life goal, I was pretty optimistic that this could be an exciting friendship. But I didn't see him as more. My intuition had already kicked in.

 

In November, we finally got all three girls together to play. He usually only has them on weekends, but on that particular day, their mothers had made an exception. If I had known his intentions to ask me out, I would not have done this. I would not have met his daughters at all until we were at a point in the relationship where I knew there was a high chance of everything working out long-term. I wish he had asked me out before we got the kids together, but that isn't how it played out. Anyway, the playdate went well, I appreciated the way he treated my daughter so kindly and how much his daughters obviously adored him, and I think that's when my walls came down. I still didn't feel any infatuation for him, but seeing this side of him made me chalk up my slight uneasiness around him to being not used to hanging out with male friends "alone" in their houses. So in December, when he asked me to be his girlfriend, at first my gut feeling started up in me very strong, but I didn't know why. I thought I just wasn't ready. I told him no, there hadn't been enough time, that my life didn't seem perfectly set up for a relationship at that time because of some emotional turmoil going on in the background, and that if and when I wanted a relationship again, I wanted to have calmed the seas of my life a little bit so I could put my all into starting one up.

 

Still, I let myself be convinced. He started talking about how relationships are about working things out together, and he'd be more than happy to support me through the thing in my life that was frustrating me. He said he could be patient, he started complimenting my parenting (which I now realize was probably tactical, because he knew I was frustrated with my mother's nit-picking) and I told myself I was being silly. I told myself he was genuine- which was a surprising thing to tell myself, since why would I have felt a need to convince myself of that in the first place?- and that this could be a really nice new beginning. I left his house still saying that I wanted to give myself time to think about it. A few days later, I caved. I got really excited about it, and the excitement and feeling that he truly cared about me instilled those feelings of infatuation in me.

 

Things were going pretty well when my roommates (two sisters) moved out abruptly, leaving me to pay a rather astronomical rent. I couldn't move in with my parents, who have a TINY house (maybe 750 sq ft) and have both my sisters living with them, so when my boyfriend offered to have me and my daughter stay with him, I was so relieved. He has two roommates, so the rent was split between us 4. That made things much easier on me. But then suddenly things started coming up, such as that the age I thought he was wasn't his actual age. "I'm not sure if you know how old I actually am..." "How old are you? Aren't you 25 or 26...?" "I'm 29. I don't know if that matters to you or not... I have to admit, I was kind of concerned when you told me you were 20, but you've proved to be super mature, so age doesn't matter to me as long is it doesn't bother you." No, age doesn't matter, but the fact that he withheld it for fear of my response does. Then he told me that he didn't think he'd be able to travel for a long time, in spite of the fact that he promised before I moved in that we'd be going on a roadtrip this Summer. Then he told me that his daughters were from two different moms. (That kind of matters. How hadn't he told me that before?) And that he had been engaged to the oldest's mother. Well, that isn't TOO big of a deal, I suppose. But he had actually been married to the mother of the youngest. For 6 months. And when she had cheated on him, he cheated on her back out of spite, so that's what ended in the divorce. He also very recently informed me that he'd been in jail for not paying child support. That was pretty intense to be told out of the blue, especially since I'd been so open about my past even before the relationship began and since he'd told me so many other stories about his life. That means all this information was kept from me purposely. On top of all these things, whenever his daughters would come over, he'd just let me play with them and daughter on my own, rather than spending time with them himself. Now he's been asking about getting married, and keeps randomly asking me about my pregnancy with my daughter and saying things about if we have a kid together, and even randomly asked me last week if I was going to bear him a son. Whoaaaa....

 

This is all extremely wrong. I feel a GIANT alarm bell ringing in my head telling me to get out. And fast. The things holding me back are these:

- During my time here, my car has completely died. I've been relying on one of the roommates for rides everywhere.

- I'm not sure where to go. Most of my friends are either still living in college dorms or with their parents, and my extended family lives pretty far away. My parents don't have a spare room for me, and I can't afford an apartment alone. I'd need at least two roommates.

- I adore his daughters. I know they've come to see me as a motherly figure even in spite of my desire to just seem like their friend, because their mothers are really hard women and their father leaves them in my care so much. I feel like I've made them partly my responsibility by allowing their father to put me in this position. Because I slipped into the illusion that their father and I could actually build a strong and lasting relationship and because I neglected my intuitive feelings, I'm going to be the one responsible for their sadness at losing one of the only supportive adults in their lives, rather than make a positive impact by having entered it at all. I am so angry with myself for allowing myself to be in this position where I may disappoint them. It's this unfairness that absolutely breaks my heart.

 

[TL;DR VERSION: I let myself get tricked into a relationship with a guy who was concealing a lot of baggage, including a previous marriage. I didn't find out until after I moved in with him. I have a daughter and he has two daughters, and we've all gotten attached to each other. However, the stuff he hid from me, the fact that he was hiding anything from me, and knowing that we're not going in the same direction after all, tells me I have to GTFO. Not having a place to move back to or a functional car is making this quite tricky.]

 

Do any of you have any suggestions on how to get out? I want to make it a gentle breakup if possible, because now I feel extremely distrustful, but I think that if I snuck away by any means, he'd seriously go on this quest to find me, which is an idea that scares me even more than him shouting at me or something. But the thing about pointing out to someone that they were totally untrustworthy is that, since they are obviously capable of being so and of hiding giant pieces of themselves, it's hard to know what to expect to come from the person as a reaction. I most likely have to come up with something else to say as the grounds for the breakup to avoid any sort of explosive reactions. Especially since my little one is there with me. What can I say that sounds like a good enough reason to go through all the trouble of moving out, but that isn't, "You're insane, you lured me into a relationship under false pretenses, and you're totally creeping me out with your desire to impregnate me"? Secondly, would it be good for his girls if I tried to maintain a relationship with them, or even possible given the situation? It seems unlikely, but I don't want it to be. If it's possible, how can I go about it? And if not, how can I help them understand that I do absolutely love them and wish I could be there for them always? Thank you SO much for your time.

Edited by ladyruby
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Doesn't sound like you have much of an option except to put up with him while you fortify your financial situation enough so that you can get out.

 

Just to add, if and when you leave don't try to convince his kids of anything. Hearing about how much you love and care for them and would do anything right before you walk out the door never to see them again is not a great learning experience for kids.

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Yep, the gut isn't lying to you. Time to get out.

 

You need to get your life together and not with this slug. Pat yourself on the back for coming out of the fog quickly. I'm like the other poster...what are you doing for money? Are you in school at all? The reality is that your goals are in life are lovely but you still need money to live and raise your daughter so you need to figure out what do you have to now to do what you want to do later. I'd look under every rock right now. Whether its help from a relative that lives far away and moving, looking at social services programs for assistance and housing, financial aid for school etc.

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You barely knew this guy when you moved in with him, and you are surprised to find out some unsavory things about him? Yes, you found yourself in a bind, but the solution was not to move in with a guy you barely knew. You've only been in a relationship with this guy for five months. How long have you been living with him? This is exactly why most people don't move in together so quickly.

 

I'm not clear on why you think were mislead or tricked. Did he actually lie to you, or did you make assumptions?

 

But then suddenly things started coming up, such as that the age I thought he was wasn't his actual age. "I'm not sure if you know how old I actually am..." "How old are you? Aren't you 25 or 26...?" "I'm 29. I don't know if that matters to you or not... I have to admit, I was kind of concerned when you told me you were 20, but you've proved to be super mature, so age doesn't matter to me as long is it doesn't bother you." No, age doesn't matter, but the fact that he withheld it for fear of my response does.

 

Did he outright lie to you about his age? Did you ever ask him his age, or did you just assume he was younger? I mean...you moved in with a guy and didn't even know his date of birth. And that's his fault?

 

Then he told me that he didn't think he'd be able to travel for a long time, in spite of the fact that he promised before I moved in that we'd be going on a roadtrip this Summer.

 

You're mad because he won't go on a roadtrip with you? Take your daughter and go by yourself. Was his financial situation different before he took you and your daughter into his house?

 

Then he told me that his daughters were from two different moms. (That kind of matters. How hadn't he told me that before?)

 

I don't see why this matters. Again, did he lie, or did you assume?

 

And that he had been engaged to the oldest's mother. Well, that isn't TOO big of a deal, I suppose.

 

I don't see why this matters either. Is it really that surprising that he was engaged to his daughter's mother?

 

But he had actually been married to the mother of the youngest. For 6 months. And when she had cheated on him, he cheated on her back out of spite, so that's what ended in the divorce.

 

Did he lie about this? I don't think having one marriage under his belt by age 29 (or even age 25/26) is necessarily a red flag.

 

He also very recently informed me that he'd been in jail for not paying child support.

 

This is not good. He obviously has some financial problems.

 

That was pretty intense to be told out of the blue, especially since I'd been so open about my past even before the relationship began and since he'd told me so many other stories about his life. That means all this information was kept from me purposely.

 

I actually don't think it means this at all. He may not view this stuff as "need to know and need to immediately share" information. You are still going to find out more about this guy considering that you barely know him.

 

Look, I'm not saying he's a prince. But this is the risk you take when you move in with a guy you barely know, and you cannot put the blame squarely on him. If you aren't happy, I think you should get out. In fact, it is terrible for you to be using this guy for a place to live and his roommate for rides around town when you do not see a future with him.

 

Your solution is to start looking for roommates. Once you find a place to live, address the issue with him. Do not sneak away. Have an adult conversation with him, tell him the relationship isn't working out for you, and that you'll be moving out. That's all you have to say. Don't get dragged into drama. Then move out and go no contact with him. It will not be feasible for you to continue a relationship with his daughters.

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Sounds like he needed a live-in babysitter.

 

Maybe have your daughter live temporarily with your parents while you find a roommate and a job.

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ExpatInItaly
You barely knew this guy when you moved in with him, and you are surprised to find out some unsavory things about him? Yes, you found yourself in a bind, but the solution was not to move in with a guy you barely knew. You've only been in a relationship with this guy for five months. How long have you been living with him? This is exactly why most people don't move in together so quickly.

 

I'm not clear on why you think were mislead or tricked. Did he actually lie to you, or did you make assumptions?

 

 

 

Did he outright lie to you about his age? Did you ever ask him his age, or did you just assume he was younger? I mean...you moved in with a guy and didn't even know his date of birth. And that's his fault?

 

 

 

You're mad because he won't go on a roadtrip with you? Take your daughter and go by yourself. Was his financial situation different before he took you and your daughter into his house?

 

 

 

I don't see why this matters. Again, did he lie, or did you assume?

 

 

 

I don't see why this matters either. Is it really that surprising that he was engaged to his daughter's mother?

 

 

 

Did he lie about this? I don't think having one marriage under his belt by age 29 (or even age 25/26) is necessarily a red flag.

 

 

 

This is not good. He obviously has some financial problems.

 

 

 

I actually don't think it means this at all. He may not view this stuff as "need to know and need to immediately share" information. You are still going to find out more about this guy considering that you barely know him.

 

Look, I'm not saying he's a prince. But this is the risk you take when you move in with a guy you barely know, and you cannot put the blame squarely on him. If you aren't happy, I think you should get out. In fact, it is terrible for you to be using this guy for a place to live and his roommate for rides around town when you do not see a future with him.

 

Your solution is to start looking for roommates. Once you find a place to live, address the issue with him. Do not sneak away. Have an adult conversation with him, tell him the relationship isn't working out for you, and that you'll be moving out. That's all you have to say. Don't get dragged into drama. Then move out and go no contact with him. It will not be feasible for you to continue a relationship with his daughters.

 

I have to agree with this. OP, I understand your circumstances are difficult. But I simply can't agree that you were 'tricked' into a relationship. He definitely could have been more open with you, and you could have been a lot more inquiring before moving yourself and your daughter in with a man you barely knew.

 

It sounds as though the only real solution here will be for you to get yourself a job and move out. Are you currently working? (Sorry if I missed that point somewhere in your post) If not, why not?

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Yeah I am kind of not seeing the "boyfriend" as the bad guy here at all. The being thrown in jail for child support thing is unfortunate, but I would assume that is a financial issue more then a personal one, since I do not know many men who would willingly go to jail just to get out of paying child support. It kind of sounds like he fell on hard times, and then you moved in and assumed a whole bunch of stuff about his life, and when you find out specific details now you feel like he was dishonest with you.

 

Seems like you more or less used this guy, and then when you find out some stuff about him(which isn't THAT bad) you used it to justify leaving. I am not trying to sound harsh or anything, but that is just how it comes off. It almost sounds like he took you in and then opened up to you more about his life and you starting judging him, etc. looking for any reasons to try to make it seem like he was the one who pushed you away.

 

Maybe I misread the situation, it is hard to tell from your posts. But if I am more or less in the right direction then the best thing you can do for this man is to leave and let him find someone who cares for him and who will not merely use him and then try to paint him as the bad guy over minor things(like not wanting to road trip, okay?)

 

He definitely shouldn't of started talking about you bearing him a son or something, but I guess that should of been an indication he had stronger feelings for you then you did for him.

 

You essentially should not allow this man to continue to financially support you in any way if you do not want to be with him, which from your posts you clearly do not.

Edited by Spectre
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Thank you for the advice, everyone. Yes, I'm working. I work part time as a barista and I also sell handmade jewelry, but where I live, rent is extremely high. I am also enrolled in college online; I'm working toward becoming an English teacher to facilitate my dreams of travel. Like I said, I am also helping with the rent. I also buy my own groceries. I'm not living off of my boyfriend or his roommates, and since they all work at the same job overnight, I also cook every one breakfast in the mornings and wake up in the middle of the night to make them dinner and go back to sleep. I'm sorry I seem to have given everyone the impression that I'm leaching off of someone.

 

Like I said before, I didn't really want to move in with him so fast. I thought it would turn out alright, but I'd really have liked to have waited. I just couldn't pay the high rent I was left with in my own place without my roommates there anymore. Although I was grateful that he had offered, I didn't say yes right away. First I asked my father for advice, and he said I should go, because my boyfriend was doing the right thing by having me come live with him. He also said that it would probably be good because I'd be closer to my job. My parents only dated a couple months before getting engaged, and they got married within less than a year of knowing each other, so I'm sure that added to my father's certainty that things would turn out for the best. They've been married 22 years now.

 

As for the being mislead part of everything, I still feel that I was, in fact. Before agreeing to be his girlfriend at all, I said we needed to lay everything out on the table. I told him that I knew that there were things he needed to know about me, such as that I had been engaged to my daughter's father and that I'd had a child before her when I was 17 and that my son had passed away. I gave him a fairly lengthy recount of my life so he would know exactly what sort of life experience I'd had, so if things were ever to come up where I had a sad reaction to something, he'd understand what it was from, or if ever something he might say made me nervous, he'd be able to get some idea of why from my past. After that, I told him to just tell me everything, that I wouldn't judge, and he gave what seemed to me to be his life story as well, but excluding everything I mentioned above.

 

I didn't guess at his age. If I had, I wouldn't feel upset at all with him for not telling it to me sooner. In fact, I wasn't upset about it until it became just one of many things that were omitted. Before starting dating, we had talked about how our birthdays were just one day apart, so he could have corrected me when I said we could celebrate my 21st birthday and his 26th together. My incorrect understanding of his age came from his Facebook page. I think it's kind of strange that his birth year on his Facebook is 4 years before his actual birth year. It's not like he was ever at an age during his time using Facebook where he'd have needed to lie about his age to get special permissions, etc., so why is it wrong? He didn't seem to have an answer about that. He also said he never heard me specify what age I thought he was before he told me his actual one.

 

Also, when talking about his children, he'd always say, "I have to get them from their mom," when regarding their mothers, which technically would mean they had the same mother. He also would only ever use the name of one of their mothers, so it was purposeful omission of there being two. The children never visit one another's houses. They only see each other on weekends when staying with him. So, the sentence, "I'll meet you at the park after I pick the girls up from [insert one mom's name here]'s house," is a lie. The mothers aren't even on speaking terms.

 

Finally, when recounting our life stories, he told me about a run-in he had with the law that did NOT result in imprisonment, even saying, "But I didn't end up in jail or anything." That gave me the impression that he had never been in jail at all. Why didn't he just bring up that he HAD been in jail for something relatively minor when he told me he'd almost been in jail before? Especially since I never outwardly reacted to anything he said. During our recounting, I listened in non-judgement. None of these facts about him are particularly bad, anyway. Yes, he'd been in financial trouble which landed in him in jail. Yes, he'd had a failed marriage and an engagement that had broken off. But those aren't things that need hiding, or that should warrant much judgement except to pay attention to his current financial habits, etc.. The trouble isn't what was in his life, but that there were purposeful lies of omission. That makes me concerned for what else could be hidden. The one thing I was able to determine for sure after that talk about his imprisonment is that, according to online records, he truly has only ever been arrested for unpaid child support. That's a relief to me.

 

I think the suggestion to have my daughter stay with my parents for a couple weeks is a good idea. Today I've submitted several applications for jobs that are closer to my extended family. If I can't transfer from this current job, hopefully I'll land a new one someplace else. If I can get a job closer to my aunts and uncles, it's likely that I could pay rent to someone in my family and my daughter and I could stay with them for a bit while I seek out new roommates. Thanks again for everyone's advice!

Edited by ladyruby
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I'm also not saying my boyfriend is bad guy. Just a hider of information and not particularly attentive to his kids, and trying to move forward REALLY fast by talking about having a kid (yes, I am on birth control) 1) before even getting married 2) when it'd be too early to get married even if there weren't already problems. I'm not trying to say he's evil or something, but that I have plenty of reason to feel distrustful and uncomfortable. My purpose for the post was to approach this with a clearer mind after venting my concerns so I could form a good plan of action.

 

 

Now, does anyone have any experience housekeeping or something? Like I said, I submitted applications places, but I'd like to find a job that pays well, but still has part-time hours so I can focus on raising my child and doing my schooling. Also, are there any programs anywhere that help single parents buy used cars? Since I've been relying on one of the roommates for my rides to work since my car is beyond any sort of repair I can afford, I'll really need to buy a car almost immediately so I can start my new job right away.

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You have got A LOT of growing up to do! You can say this guy tricked you all you want and how you didn't want to do xyz but the fact is that you moved TOO FAST with a man you barely knew! Even worse you have a daughter that you need to protect! And please don't tell me you moved your daughter in with not only a man you barely know but what three other MEN also! Unless his roommates are women. We have to protect our daughters this is horrible! Ok, so your room mates moved out. So what would you have done if you never met this guy? You have relatives you can ask to live with. I don't care if they live in Iceland arrangements should have been made so you don't put your daughter in this situation. You sound like a caring person but you are WAY to trusting and naive. Whether it's him lying to you or living with all these men you need to make smarter choices for your DAUGHTER! Start contacting family see if they can put you up for a while. Offer to pay rent. Keep looking for a full time job and get the hell out and stand on your own two feet. The fact that you're afraid of what he will do is crazy also. Let your parents keep your daughter for a while and if you think he will become dangerous move out at night while he's at work and if he even looks like he's thinking about threatening you, call the police. As far as cars and all that that's the point of living with relatives so you can save up. Please learn from this and do better.

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ChooseTruth

Do you have family that can help you out?

 

I would tell him what's really going on. Don't lie about leaving because of his lies. That doesn't teach him anything and might give him false hope. Destruction of trust is a VERY serious thing.

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Whoaaa, for all these people telling me not to jump to conclusions, a lot of people are doing the same about me! No, I did not move into a house with 3 single men. The two roommates are one man and one woman- a long-term couple that I knew previously from art functions and always got along well with. They're really nice people. They've been in the background of my life for several years now. I used to edit the prints for the guy when I did graphic design two years ago.

 

I've already admitted, even in the beginning post, that I'd made a poor decision. That's the whole point of this. I moved too fast, he moved too fast, and then things popped out of the woodwork from that should have been on the table from the beginning when were recounting our lives, and I came here wanting to know what to do and to get my frustration out so I could think more clearly. I'm not even blaming him for everything. I'm saying I know he tried to mislead me and that I shouldn't trust staying in a relationship with him, but that I myself am at fault for 1) not trusting my intuition like I should have 2) allowing myself to be swayed and 3) ultimately getting myself into this predicament. I was even careful to write it that way: "I let myself be mislead," taking ownership of the fact that I had been gullible. That was my fault and no one else's. I also have said now that it's not like I just jumped into it without doubts. I doubted, so I consulted my father hoping for advice about my living situation. My father advised me to move in with my boyfriend as well, because he had a speedy engagement and marriage to my mother and their relationship has worked out. He didn't see cause for worry, and if I'd had his experience, I wouldn't really either. I should have listened to my doubts, though. If my car dying wasn't so untimely and I wasn't getting rides to work from one of the roommates, this whole thing would have been much easier to get out of right away, because the prospect of getting a different job wouldn't have seemed so tricky then.

 

I've also expressed that I wasn't sure where I could go. My job is where I am, my family is farther away. So, like I said, I'm working on securing a job near my family now so I can go to where my family is. I'm not playing the victim here- I came here actively seeking to get a clearer picture of what my options are, because no one can think completely clearly when stressed, and in my last post I already said that I'd be doing the necessary steps to get out. People get into way worse situations than this, and they aren't horrible people or parents because of it, either. I already called my mother. She's able to pick up my daughter tomorrow afternoon. I'm not just sitting idly by, and it's not like I've spent a year in some violent relationship after jumping into something with my daughter in tow.

 

I'm almost regretting asking what to do here, because I was actually being proactive by realizing what I'd gotten into and immediately trying to rectify the situation and somehow I'm still under fire. I'm learning a few lessons here about not being so quick to trust, about listening to my own judgement instead of others', and about always having a back-up plan. I hope maybe a couple of you will learn something about being gentle from this. It doesn't take much to just take it easy and offer up some advice without telling someone what's wrong with him/her and that they've done something horrible. When someone asks for help doing the right thing after they've made a mistake, they've already done something toward heading back in the right direction, haven't they? And I was obviously listening to everyone, and taking immediate action on every good piece of advice I recieved. I just needed a mental kickstart. Instead, some of you decided I was leaching off some guy financially and taking my daughter to live with a bunch of completely strange men, all the while saying I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions about someone. I was seriously just trying to fix my mistake and get back to a safe point without any "it gets darkest just before the dawn" moments. I just want to get out of this situation while doing as little damage as possible.

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Do you have family that can help you out?

 

I would tell him what's really going on. Don't lie about leaving because of his lies. That doesn't teach him anything and might give him false hope. Destruction of trust is a VERY serious thing.

 

Thanks, ChooseTruth. I am trying to get a job closer to my extended family a state away. In the meantime I'm letting my parents watch my daughter for me, and until I find roommates and can buy a used car, I'll pay rent to one of my aunts and uncles so my daughter and I can live there. I won't lie to him about why I'm leaving. I'll tell him that in his next relationship, when he's asked to tell important details about himself, not to leave anything out. Hopefully he'll take it well and learn from it.

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It's great that you are taking steps to get out. But sorry you have enough people in your life telling you everything is dandy. I rather speak the truth. When kids are at stake you can't be so careless. Good luck!

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Whoaaa, for all these people telling me not to jump to conclusions, a lot of people are doing the same about me! No, I did not move into a house with 3 single men. The two roommates are one man and one woman- a long-term couple that I knew previously from art functions and always got along well with. They're really nice people. They've been in the background of my life for several years now. I used to edit the prints for the guy when I did graphic design two years ago.

 

I've already admitted, even in the beginning post, that I'd made a poor decision. That's the whole point of this. I moved too fast, he moved too fast, and then things popped out of the woodwork from that should have been on the table from the beginning when were recounting our lives, and I came here wanting to know what to do and to get my frustration out so I could think more clearly. I'm not even blaming him for everything. I'm saying I know he tried to mislead me and that I shouldn't trust staying in a relationship with him, but that I myself am at fault for 1) not trusting my intuition like I should have 2) allowing myself to be swayed and 3) ultimately getting myself into this predicament. I was even careful to write it that way: "I let myself be mislead," taking ownership of the fact that I had been gullible. That was my fault and no one else's. I also have said now that it's not like I just jumped into it without doubts. I doubted, so I consulted my father hoping for advice about my living situation. My father advised me to move in with my boyfriend as well, because he had a speedy engagement and marriage to my mother and their relationship has worked out. He didn't see cause for worry, and if I'd had his experience, I wouldn't really either. I should have listened to my doubts, though. If my car dying wasn't so untimely and I wasn't getting rides to work from one of the roommates, this whole thing would have been much easier to get out of right away, because the prospect of getting a different job wouldn't have seemed so tricky then.

 

I've also expressed that I wasn't sure where I could go. My job is where I am, my family is farther away. So, like I said, I'm working on securing a job near my family now so I can go to where my family is. I'm not playing the victim here- I came here actively seeking to get a clearer picture of what my options are, because no one can think completely clearly when stressed, and in my last post I already said that I'd be doing the necessary steps to get out. People get into way worse situations than this, and they aren't horrible people or parents because of it, either. I already called my mother. She's able to pick up my daughter tomorrow afternoon. I'm not just sitting idly by, and it's not like I've spent a year in some violent relationship after jumping into something with my daughter in tow.

 

I'm almost regretting asking what to do here, because I was actually being proactive by realizing what I'd gotten into and immediately trying to rectify the situation and somehow I'm still under fire. I'm learning a few lessons here about not being so quick to trust, about listening to my own judgement instead of others', and about always having a back-up plan. I hope maybe a couple of you will learn something about being gentle from this. It doesn't take much to just take it easy and offer up some advice without telling someone what's wrong with him/her and that they've done something horrible. When someone asks for help doing the right thing after they've made a mistake, they've already done something toward heading back in the right direction, haven't they? And I was obviously listening to everyone, and taking immediate action on every good piece of advice I recieved. I just needed a mental kickstart. Instead, some of you decided I was leaching off some guy financially and taking my daughter to live with a bunch of completely strange men, all the while saying I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions about someone. I was seriously just trying to fix my mistake and get back to a safe point without any "it gets darkest just before the dawn" moments. I just want to get out of this situation while doing as little damage as possible.

 

To be honest, your response is perplexing to me. Nobody was really THAT hard on you about this. If you can't see how a person could possibly come to the conclusions they did, is that not a problem? I'm not trying to get on you or accuse you of using this guy, just that with the very little information we were given, you can't fault people for making certain assumptions.

 

I don't think you are a leech, I just think you did make some bad decisions, but I do not feel this man should have to pay for those, nor do I feel you should either because you were trying to do what was best.

Edited by Spectre
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I don't know much about these organizations but maybe one of these sites will help with looking for car:

 

http://millionairegivingmoney.blogspot.com/2013/06/where-can-i-get-free-car-for-my-family.html

http://www.workingcarsforworkingfamilies.org/

I did just a google search and there were several hits so if the ones above aren't useful there may be other options.

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He withheld a lot of important information. He has obviously lied to others about his age (Facebook date shouldn't be wrong) and didn't enlighten you. There are other things he omitted to mention which would have told you a little more about him. I can see that you don't trust him any more, regardless of whether these omissions are considered serious or important by anybody. The fact that you have lost trust in him is what is driving you to look elsewhere now.

 

Not being able to travel just yet is just a normal fact of life sometimes. I don't think he can be blamed for that but it's obviously very important to you and puts an additional nail in the coffin. Any talk of further commitment 'impregnation or whatever' is going to feel wrong once you no longer trust him.

 

I don't feel that telling him what is going on is a good idea. That would leave you in the situation with a guy who will be very upset and possibly angry. I would advise you find a way out first and then let him know and move out straight away. You are in a vulnerable position at the moment. If he feels betrayed afterwards, then he shouldn't have withheld significant information from you and lied about his age. Lies have a way of backfiring.

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