Jump to content

Boyfriend bailed out


ittybittygirl

Recommended Posts

ittybittygirl

I need advice on what to do with my current relationship..

We have been together for 6 months now, after years of being intimate, close friends. We love each other very much, or at least I thought so. We were planning a future and were looking for an apartment to move in together.

 

Lately, I have been very busy and under a lot of pressure at my workplace. I work in a family-run business. I also have years of unresolved issues with my parents and siblings, and that doesn't help the work atmosphere very much. Some of those issues include physical and emotional neglect and abuse in my childhood and early teens. I have secretly been going to therapy for a couple of years, and have been working on myself and I am feeling better. But being very shy and introvert, I had troubles facing my parents and talking with them about everything. My BF knows all of that and I thought that he understands what I'm going through, because he had a very similar family situation too. He even advised me on how to handle some situations, and supported me.

 

Three days ago, at the Easter dinner with my family and boyfriend, I just cracked and fell apart for no reason. I drank too much wine, and made a huge scene, calling my family names and whatnot. All of the issues and fears I have poured out of me, like from a well sealed bottle. All the skeletons in the closet were out. I blacked out, and I don't remember anything that really happened. I really regret making a scene and yelling, but on the other hand feel very much relieved since I said some things that really needed to be said (they told me later what I was saying). Note that I am not an alcoholic, I seldom drink, and in moderation too.

 

At the time of my breakdown, my boyfriend was present. He was trying to calm me down, unsuccessfully. I drunkenly told him that I needed him to be there for me and asked that he doesn't leave me with them. He did just the opposite. Instead of taking me home, he left, and my parents had to take me. He made an excuse to my mother that he has to go to visit his parents, which was a lie. He went home and played video games.

Now he claims that he is ashamed because how I acted and what I said to my parents, he wants to have "a couple of days to think". I am still not well, and I need him to be beside me. He refuses. He claims that he understands why all of that happened, but he "doesn't want my burden to bear". He was never asked to. I only needed him to hold me and tell me it's gonna be alright. I am aware that my problems are mine and mine only to overcome and resolve.

Also, another thing that worries me is that he claims I was violent and acted like a beast, banging my head to the wall and trying to hurt myself and him. Nobody can really confirm it, since we were alone in that moment, but I have no bruises, nothing hurts and nothing is broken. Also, nobody heard anything weird except slightly risen voices. I do not remember any of that happening. Could he be lying to me? And why?

 

He claims he loves me and doesn't want to break up.

Now I sort of feel betrayed and unsupported. I fear that in the future, I can not count on him to be at my side when things are really hard. I have no idea what to do. I feel so lost.

Please give me some advice or thought. It will be much appreciated.

And also, sorry for the long thread.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You need to learn to stand on your own two feet. Your BF or your husband for that matter isn't required to support you but he shouldn't have completely bailed. I would wonder if he has what it takes to stick around in any crisis.

 

 

If this was the 1st time he saw your family drama up close & person he probably had no idea what to do & thought retreat was the only option. then again, if you were asking him to take you with him & he abandoned you, I'm not sure I could get past that.

 

 

The fact that you drank so much that you blacked out is indicative of substance abuse. If this isn't the 1st time this happened, you need to stop drinking altogether & get into a program. If this is the 1st time, don't let there be a second. Your BF may have also reacted to your level of intoxication.

 

 

talk to your counselor. Perhaps together you can figure out why all this came tumbling out at Easter. If your childhood was so abusive, perhaps it's time to get a job not in the family business.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So you act like an ass and it's his fault? Sounds like your projecting even more of whatever you were going off about on him now. Drinking doesn't make it ok either, love how you justify your outburst by suggesting it's ok....you were drunk. He was probably so embarrassed all he could do was leave after trying to help you didn't work. You have your own issues to address without placing blame on your bf who is thinking wtf right about now. You need to get yourself together this behavior is not ok. Six months in and he's right to evaluate things right now. This isn't a 20 year relationship and something snapped and you went off. Honestly this is a major red flag for him. Why would he lie about you banging your head in the walls trying to hurt yourself? I hope you get the help and peace you need because you can't go through life behaving like this. Good luck.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, if the person I was dating had a mental breakdown and pulled something like that, I'd bounce too. That's absolutely mortifying. As long as he's been in your life and as much as you think you guys love each other, what you did is between you and your family. Not you, your family, and him.

 

That's not right that you would put that pressure on him at all either. It's not right that you would make the conscious decision to drink as much as you did, and pull a scene like that in front of him. You've been dating a mere 6 months and in those 6 months you've unloaded a massive amount of crap onto him. While it sucks that you've had to go through it, I think it's too heavy of a burden to put on someone you've essentially been dating for 5 seconds. No one, especially guys, want that amount of drama.

 

I know you say you're not an alcoholic but you're in no mindset to be drinking PERIOD. Not even in moderation.

 

Your therapy doesn't seem to be doing much good since you had a complete break. I think instead of YOU getting therapy, you and your entire family need to get counseling. You need to heal as an entire family, and honestly, that's not your boyfriends business, or place to be while that happens.

Edited by KatZee
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Standard-Fare

You need to recognize that you scared the crap out of your on BF Easter. You showed him a dark side of yourself he wasn't expecting, and didn't want to see.

 

Since you can't remember anything, you have to assume the worst of your behavior that night.

 

I think it's understandable that your BF needs to take some time and space to digest everything. Whatever you did and said crossed some lines for him, and probably got him deeper into your family drama than he needed to go.

 

But it's very encouraging that he's still saying he loves you and doesn't want a breakup. So you know he's willing to forgive. I think need to give him a genuine apology, and make sure you don't force him into that type of uncomfortable position again.

 

I've personally witnessed a couple of wildly emotional drunken blackouts myself, i.e. punching holes in walls, breaking furniture. The perpetrator of course has no memory of the incidents. But seeing him behave like a pure animal with no reason -- it was terrifying and I'll never forget it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You cant reasonably expect him to stay because you didn't warn him that that kind of situation was going to happen. You just went off into grievance airing mode, putting your boyfriend in a really... really uncomfortable spot.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
ittybittygirl

That is precisely what I wonder too, what happens next time when something hard comes up.. How can I build a future with someone when I don't know I can rely on them and trust them?

 

Fortunately, I've never had something like this happen to me. I never abused any substances, I very rarely drink and am really very responsible person. I do feel horrible about it.

I have talked to my counselor already, and she told me what I already thought it was. We were recently discussing ways for me to approach my parents with the issue, but I was at the same time reluctant and eager to do so. I actually did it all on purpose so that I could say whatever I felt inside without feeling guilty for disrespecting my parents. It was just too much for me, that whole day of lies and pretending that I subconsciously snapped and got drunk. I live in Serbia in Europe, which is a patriarchal society, and disrespecting parents is a big deal, because they gave birth to you and therefore are always right, even if they are not. Even going to counseling would be regarded like I'm a headcase and really fit for the mental institution.

Also, that is one of the reasons I still can't get a job outside my family company, but I am working on it and I am convinced I can make it.

 

Can you give me a thought on the last part of my thread, about lying to me that I was violent?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, 6 months isn't that much of a time for him to share all those burdens and expectations you are having. It is hard enough (for him) meeting your parents and other family members for Easter dinner, but when you had a break down, it just put him in the most uncomfortable place on Earth.

 

Although you asked him to be there for you and not leave you with your family, that was asking for quite a lot after blowing up. He just saw a side of you he's never seen! You literally pulled a Dr Jekly and Mr Hyde, so at that point it was as if you were a complete stranger! He's probably like "omg who is this person?"

 

Because of this shocking revelation, of course he's gonna leave you with your family. He hardly knows who this lady that just blew up on her family is and wondering wtf is going on!

 

From his point of view, and with 6 months of dating, I think it's understandable he did what he did. I don't blame him and I don't think it would erode the trust. I think he was just put in a awkward position and left you with your parents because he felt that was what was best. Not so much he was betraying your trust because you asked him not to leave you with your parents.

Link to post
Share on other sites

When you view it from you boyfriends side, he just saw it as "how my girlfriend deals with her problems, gets drunk and yells "

Link to post
Share on other sites
That is precisely what I wonder too, what happens next time when something hard comes up.. How can I build a future with someone when I don't know I can rely on them and trust them?

 

First of all, no. Just no. What went on at your family's house on Easter had NOTHING at all to do with your boyfriend. NOTHING. It's not like you and him had a falling out and he ran. The scene you pulled was frankly, unacceptable and it's not your boyfriend's job to hold your hand and walk you through this hard time. Again, this is between you and your family. Not you, your family, and him.

 

Yes, you've had hard times, so have most people. It's not right to put him in the spot you did and expect him to take sides, or whatever else you expected him to do that day.

 

You can't put him in a spot that makes him feel wholly uncomfortable, and out of place, and then when he understandably leaves, say you can't trust him. It doesn't work that way.

 

Can you give me a thought on the last part of my thread, about lying to me that I was violent?

 

Honestly, you probably were violent. Why would he make up something as outlandish as that????

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
ittybittygirl

Sorry, I haven't mentioned that he is and has been for years now like family, and this is not the first time he was present for family stuff. As dysfunctional as my family is, we all love him and consider him a part of it.

Also, I have to point out that it's kinda different culture that I live in, and English is not my native language, so I apologize in advance if I am poorly understood or I make mistakes in expressing myself.

 

He has been having his own issues, since his family almost disowned him in the past years and has very little contact with them. He's unemployed for a couple of months now and feeling bad about it, and I'm helping him make his ends meet and I'm being there for him in every possible way that I can. I was and am strong for him when he needs me, because that's what you do for people you love. I just needed him to be strong for me now, not to take my burden or to resolve my problems. Just needed his shoulder to lean on.

 

He has had his own meltdowns and breakdowns, and I have never even thought leaving his side at that delicate moment. Am I wrong for asking the same?

The part that we're only 6 months in, is only the part where we're physically intimate and in a relationship with the titles and all that. He knows me very well, for years now, and it wasn't about "wtf, who are you?", it was more about me disrespecting my parents. I do understand that he is shocked with my behavior, but I'm more concerned about him not being there at my most vulnerable state.. You don't leave someone you love who is not well, especially if they explicitly ask you not to. You just don't.

 

I did apologize to him, and I do know I was out of line in every possible sense. But give me a brake, it is okay for him to has his meltdown, and it's not okay if I have one?

I would so very much like to be wrong here, it would be so much easier..

 

How come that there was no consequences? If I was violent, I would get hurt, or he would, or there would be something broken, and someone would have heard some noises, since everybody was in the other room with the door open. Everybody else says that I was just crying and yelling.

And yes, I too wonder why would anyone make up something like that, let alone someone I love?!

Link to post
Share on other sites

He has had his own meltdowns and breakdowns, and I have never even thought leaving his side at that delicate moment. Am I wrong for asking the same?

 

I do understand that he is shocked with my behavior, but I'm more concerned about him not being there at my most vulnerable state.. You don't leave someone you love who is not well, especially if they explicitly ask you not to. You just don't.

 

But give me a brake, it is okay for him to has his meltdown, and it's not okay if I have one?

 

Listen, the only person you are in control of, is yourself. That's wonderful that out of love, you've decided to take care of him during his critical moments, but unfortunately, the reality of life is that just because you did that for him, doesn't mean he's going to do it for you.

 

People have different reactions to things, and you can ask him to do what you like, but that doesn't necessarily mean he WILL.

 

No one said it's not OK for you to have a meltdown. You made the decision to stick with him through his, that was YOUR decision. His decision was to back away and take days to think. Both reactions are acceptable.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Standard-Fare

I did apologize to him, and I do know I was out of line in every possible sense. But give me a brake, it is okay for him to has his meltdown, and it's not okay if I have one?

I would so very much like to be wrong here, it would be so much easier..

 

Well, good news: You are wrong. Or at least, mostly wrong.

 

And keep in my mind, we're getting this story from YOUR point of view, not his. When outsiders can clearly see that the storyteller herself is in the wrong, that says something big.

 

You shouldn't be demanding apologies from your boyfriend. It sounds like he's accepted that you had a meltdown and that he can work past that. He said he loves you and stills wants to be with you. But respect that you scared him, and he's going to be a little cold and distant while he processes things.

 

Another piece of good news for you: It sounds like your BF has now seen your ugliest side, the worst part of you. And after all that he still accepts you and loves you. That's so HUGE. That is the foundation for true and lasting love!

 

How come that there was no consequences? If I was violent, I would get hurt, or he would, or there would be something broken, and someone would have heard some noises, since everybody was in the other room with the door open. Everybody else says that I was just crying and yelling.

And yes, I too wonder why would anyone make up something like that, let alone someone I love?!

 

Why do you need physical evidence to prove that you were reckless and violent?

 

I just don't see what your BF would have to gain with lying about this, especially since he was uncomfortable enough to leave the scene. And your family members have also told you how crazy you got.

 

You have no leg to stand on since you have no memory of this, which means you surpassed any reasonable level of drunkennness. Just accept it as a shameful wakeup call, and learn from it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
That is precisely what I wonder too, what happens next time when something hard comes up.. How can I build a future with someone when I don't know I can rely on them and trust them?

 

Fortunately, I've never had something like this happen to me. I never abused any substances, I very rarely drink and am really very responsible person. I do feel horrible about it.

I have talked to my counselor already, and she told me what I already thought it was. We were recently discussing ways for me to approach my parents with the issue, but I was at the same time reluctant and eager to do so. I actually did it all on purpose so that I could say whatever I felt inside without feeling guilty for disrespecting my parents. It was just too much for me, that whole day of lies and pretending that I subconsciously snapped and got drunk. I live in Serbia in Europe, which is a patriarchal society, and disrespecting parents is a big deal, because they gave birth to you and therefore are always right, even if they are not. Even going to counseling would be regarded like I'm a headcase and really fit for the mental institution.

Also, that is one of the reasons I still can't get a job outside my family company, but I am working on it and I am convinced I can make it.

 

Can you give me a thought on the last part of my thread, about lying to me that I was violent?

 

First, you are extremely lucky to be living in a patriarchal society. I envy you a lot right now.

 

But, anyway, if your boyfriend did this before and you helped him, I don't really see this as being that big of a deal.

 

I think you should focus on getting out of the family business though. I also had a dysfunctional family growing up. We would all constantly have violent outbursts at each other. Things got better when I moved 3,000 miles away. I'm on good terms with all of them now and watch their craziness from afar (lol).

Link to post
Share on other sites
That is precisely what I wonder too, what happens next time when something hard comes up.. How can I build a future with someone when I don't know I can rely on them and trust them?

 

Good point.

 

So you should have no problem understanding & respecting the fact that he may feel the same way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Now I sort of feel betrayed and unsupported. I fear that in the future, I can not count on him to be at my side when things are really hard.

 

You got blackout drunk, were verbally, and apparently, physically abusive to your boyfriend and your family. Now, somehow, in your mind, your boyfriend was the one out of line.

 

I'd need a few days to think about that as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...